Stepchildren not wanting to see their bio mum

[lulustepmum]

Could really do with some helpful advice. My step children only see their mum every other weekend. It's come to the point where the kids don't want to go over to hers at all due to how she acts around them. She never listens, talks about herself, doesn't take them anywhere (these are the things the kids have told me) Recently their mum wanted to take them away on holiday to Spain but the day she wanted to take them is the day we fly back from holiday ourselves. She messaged my SD whilst at school (to ask about the dates we go away on holiday even though my other half had told her the previous day) She kept calling and texting my SD and found my SD rather rude which she was not, she only text her to say she is at school speak later.
The whole thing got even more heated after school and in the end her mum disowned her, told my SD that she had had enough of her disrespectful attitude, that I am her mother now and she shouldnt bother to see her ever again. My SD just text back "fine"
It's been 3 weeks since then and my SC are meant to see their mum this weekend. She messaged my other half yesterday to make sure they are coming over but my SD doesn't want to go due to what was said 3 weeks ago and she hasn't received an apology. Also her mum blocked her number and from all social media channels too!
Myself and my other half have been trying to solve this and informed her the kids don't want to see her because of what happened but she thinks that my SD should apologise to her.
I have no idea what to do! Whatever we suggest my other half is met with abuse, she is very unreasonable and thinks everyone else is in the wrong but not her.
Advice would be ever so helpful!
Thank You x

It does feel that this is something your DSD and her mother need to work on together.

You and your DH can facilitate this, but I personally don't think you can force your step children to have the type of relationship their mother wants - it's up to her to determine the nature of that relationship.

Your step children are at an age where they are going to get increasingly vocal about how they want any parental arrangements to work.

At that age my DSD made clear that rather her mum and my DH sorting out her schedule of where she would be, she expected that to be agreed with her. It was part of her growing up and starting to be more independent and empowered.

I think it's dangerous to try to engage too much in the relationship with their mother. I think the best you can do is obviously never be negative about her and encourage the contact as best you can.
But ultimately you can't drag teenagers kicking and screaming into a car.

Your DH could maybe see if the kids want to speak to their mum on neutral ground and/or suggest to their mum that they might want to look into some family therapy for themselves and the children. As a step mum you do need to take a back seat (often very hard) though and allow the kids and their mum to work through these problems.

I am one of those posters who hate the term bio mum but in this case the name fits she sees her DC Ow not have them majority of the time and is EA to the point of threathing to disown them that is not a loving relationship from a mother. I'm guessing there's a whole back story to this as it's rare the DF is the main carer giver and op I think your doing a fantastic job supporting your step children in this situation it must be an awful upsetting and confusing time for them. I would encourage them to go but don't force them.

Somerville are you actually reading this thread or another one. The OP has already said her flights get in at midnight.

And seriously, booking a holiday on the same day they've just come back screams of self interest. How will the dc even have clean clothes for example or want to spend more time travelling?

OP it sounds like the dm has made her own bed here and now the dc are old enough don't want much to do with her. It's not your job to make them.

As long as you're never badmouthing dm and can be accommodating when you can that's all you can do.

The whole thing got even more heated after school and in the end her mum disowned her, told my SD that she had had enough of her disrespectful attitude, that I am her mother now and she shouldnt bother to see her ever again. My SD just text back "fine"

I'm guessing this means that SD probably was not covered in glory either and the angry texts were on both sides.

Sounds like the Mum cannot do right in your eyes and there are issues of trust here. You tell here she cannot take her children on holiday as it clashes with yours (and you all booked at the same time) but she clearly feels the need to check this out with her daughter. Sounds as if frustration got the better of both of them, perhaps they have similar characters. Perhaps she was bitterly disappointed she is not allowed to take her children on holiday as you have priority (in your eyes). Perhaps she cannot usually afford big holidays?

I do think you need to step back and leave the first family members to it. It really is between them. I would suggest an appointment with a relate therapist (teenage specialist) between the DC and their Mum and that their father takes them and you are not involved. Costs about £30 for a session and will give all a chance to be heard.

Sounds to me as if the Mum is disapproved of by you and her ex and these feelings have influenced her children.

Omg 😲 ^

Sounds to me as if the Mum is disapproved of by you and her ex and these feelings have influenced her children

In a nutshell.

OP you've opened a can of worms here because you're a step mam and step mamas can do no right in the world.

E.g. OP says she really wants things to be positive with their mam but the mam has been awful to the kid and is now throwing a strop because she can't take a holiday on the day the kids are travelling. OP wants advice on how to deal with the situation so it's all ok. = OP has clearly been poisoning the children against their mam and is th cause of everything wrong in the world.

Meanwhile, on mumsnet there are posters who (should the situation be reversed) post 'my DH looks after his step kids like they're his own. He makes such an effort with their dad but dad wants to take the kids on holiday on the day we get back! Plus, dad doesn't even care because he was emotionally abusive and the children don't want to visit. AIBU to say they don't have to see their dad?' The replies would be crowing e step dad in glory, telling the mam that she doesn't have to force the kids to see their dad and good on her husband for being a real man.

You're on a losing thread OP. I feel for you.

How do you know janeismymiddlename? Are you living her life? Do you know what their daily life is like, if the mum causes trouble? The mum is not always the innocent party! Think how hard this is for the op and her dp, they have to deal with it all. To me it seems they want the dcs to have a real relationship with their mum. Why do some people always think the step mum is evil or the one in the wrong. She's taken on someone else's children, caught in the middle trying to keep the peace. Seems to me from what I've read the children particularly the older one has made their own mind up!

I'm guessing this means that SD probably was not covered in glory either and the angry texts were on both sides.

Oh ffs! One of them is an adult and another is a 15. It's the adult that played the "I'm disowning you/don't want to see you" card first. That is mean,cruel,childish and selfish.
Can't believe people are defending her just because she gave birth to two children.

And yeah,discarding your kids in a temper tantrum is abusive.

I'm with you rebel

At the end of the day the mam is an ADULT and the child is a CHILD. Maybe the child was a moody and argumentative 15 year old, but a child nonetheless.

How a mother can disown her own child and people still argue that the child's negative feelings are the creation of a nasty step mother who is poisoning the children is beyond me. But hey ho, no logic there.

I normally lurk, but am responding because as I started reading the original post wondered if I had written this myself! My DHs eldest (same age as yours) has also decided relatively recently not to see Mum because they couldn't take the hassle any longer. Fortunately no horrible conversations disowning anyone, but pretty much the last time they saw her, received what they described to DH as an interrogation from Mum about why they weren't going there so much. This was so unfair because it followed nearly a year of completely unpredictable contact from Mum, much of which happened at the last minute when the children were waiting to go see her, was all initiated by her and the regular contact of EOW had only just resumed. Initially I was concerned about the reduction in contact as I do think it's important to see both parents as much as possible, but this was driven by the child and I think the stress and instability of the contact was causing that particular child real distress. However, the other kids are still seeing her and don't seem to be quite so affected by the unpredictable nature of the contact. I hope that giving more control of the contact to that DSC will eventually mean they feel able to resume contact with her. One thing that DH did have to do was stop the child in question talking negatively about Mum in front of siblings. That's been a cast iron rule in our house, and it was quite strange to have to say to a child 'you can't say that about your Mum in front of X'. They are obviously allowed to get it off their chest and say it to DH, but he listens only and does not join in. From the sound of it your DSD will have a lot to talk about and say, but if you and your partner can just be a sounding board, rather than joining in, it'll keep the situation calmer. We are part way through this, so I can't say what the long term outcome will be, but I do think it was right to allow them to stop contact in the circumstances. We have also got a counsellor involved but just for the DSC, not to mediate between mum and DSC As to the holiday - you have my utmost sympathy because I can imagine you made and communicated the plans long ago. I've now accepted that any plans we make are subject to change, cancellation or being disrupted by someone else. Doesn't make it any easier, but going in to anything aware that it'll change means I'm always considering plan b along the way. Sorry for being very unclear on details about the DSCs, I'm purposely trying to keep identifying details to a minimum! Good luck!

hi op. my SD also lives with me and my DP seeing her mum every other weekend. its been this way for 3 years, and my SD is 5. I have to agree with you, as we have had the conversation about when SD is old enough to decide what she wants with contact we will allow her to decide as at the end of the day all of us involved in her care are here to make her life better, and i really do not think your SD's mum talking about disowning her would bring any positive influence to her life. so i would not force SD to go. I do think your DP, the mum and SD could do with having a talk about arrangements and cater to your SD's wishes x

The whole thing got even more heated after school and in the end her mum disowned her, told my SD that she had had enough of her disrespectful attitude, that I am her mother now and she shouldnt bother to see her ever again. My SD just text back "fine"

Also her mum blocked her number and from all social media channels too!

Over the years their mum has wanted to see her kids and even when it has meant to be her own weekend has decided to go out on the town or has other plans and tells us she can't have them

My SD has been treated poorly by her mum for many years and now she is older she is finally finding her voice to say "i'm not taking it anymore"

^ For all the people attacking the OP, can did you miss those parts? I am so sick and tired of people defending dead beat parents. OP if I was you I would listen to your DSD and not force her to see her 'mother'. This is the consequences of treating children like shit. Your DSD is growing up now and can see exactly what a waste of space the 'moter' is. I wouldn't send the 11 year old either if he doesn't want to go.

I absolutely hate the step parenting forum sometimes.
I never post anymore but wanted to come out of the shadows to say you sound like a wonderful SM OP and clearly have the best interests of the SD at heart. What an awful situation for her to be in.
For a parent to say to their own child that you're 'their mum now' is disgusting but yeah, let's all focus on the unwarranted shortcomings of the step mum shall we. As always.
Give her some time to think about what she wants, support her (as I know you will do) and make sure she knows that whatever decision she makes you will support and accommodate that.
Sending you

*'m guessing this means that SD probably was not covered in glory either and the angry texts were on both sides.

Sounds like the Mum cannot do right in your eyes and there are issues of trust here. You tell here she cannot take her children on holiday as it clashes with yours (and you all booked at the same time) but she clearly feels the need to check this out with her daughter. Sounds as if frustration got the better of both of them, perhaps they have similar characters. Perhaps she was bitterly disappointed she is not allowed to take her children on holiday as you have priority (in your eyes). Perhaps she cannot usually afford big holidays?

I do think you need to step back and leave the first family members to it. It really is between them. I would suggest an appointment with a relate therapist (teenage specialist) between the DC and their Mum and that their father takes them and you are not involved. Costs about £30 for a session and will give all a chance to be heard.

Sounds to me as if the Mum is disapproved of by you and her ex and these feelings have influenced her children*

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

Sorry but the kids live with op. Op isn't telling their mum she can't take them, but ops holiday was booked first and their mum knew this. Only a moron would then book the same date. It's logistically impossible for them to go, it's not because op doesn't like their mum.

First family members? This is so insulting. I am not a 'first family member' and yet I do everything for my ss. Is it his mum making sure he's done his homework, feeding him, washing his clothes and generally parenting him? No. It's me. But I am clearly a second class citizen because I didn't give birth to him.

I would (and do actually) disapprove of someone who told their own child they didn't want anything to do with them.

Nobody in real life blended families (rather than adoption) uses the term bio-mum. So that is a red flag to start with for me on this thread. If you dont use that term in real life then why use it on here?

And as for another pp - two mums - no! - a mum and a step-mum, with different roles and responsibilities.

Regarding the booking of holidays that seem to overlap. Do you have a contact planner, particularly for school holidays? That would be useful to you going forward. Regarding this holiday - if you booked first AND communicated dates clearly to Mum then your holiday plans should stand. If you relied on communication throught the children for dates then perhaps it is less clear cut. My DC couldnt communicate dates clearly at all.

@childmaintenanceserviceinquiry mother and father are the ones that care,that are there,that wipe tears,do bedtimes,deal with tantrums and hurt, wipe vomit from toilet seats and hold their hair back,lay up all bight worrying etc.
Not people who only do what they can be arsed,when they can be arsed and then disown their children in a temper tantrum.

I wouldn't force them to go as 'bio mum' sounds a fuckkng nightmare.
The children are beginning to see how unstable she is and maki g their own minds up.
If contact is court ordered I'd go back to court with all the things she has said and find (social media ect) as she sounds unhinged as a parent.
You op sound lovely

Yey go rebel 👍 X

And as for another pp - two mums - no! - a mum and a step-mum, with different roles and responsibilities

Yes normally, but this 'mother' doesn't give a shit. She can't even be arsed to always see them when it's her weekend to have access.

Can you really have a go when someone else steps in because you don't actually give a shit about any of your roles or responsibilities?

I'm guessing there is a reason why the kids live with their dad and not their mum.

I consider myself a step mum not a second mum but in reality I do ALL the things a real mum would do and ss mum does none of them. I imagine ops situation is not dissimilar.

I think the step mum title is bollocks anyway,
If someone is bringing up a child who lives full time with them they should be regarded as a mum.

I'd agree. Step mum is doing all the motherly stuff, I wouldn't call her mum (obviously) but she is definitely acting as one of the child's primary carers.
Sadly, that acknowledgement only seems to really be given to step fathers on here by lots of people.

It's nice to see some more supportive replies to the OP. The woman's a great step parent and is trying to mend a situation created between the mum and child. She could easily sit back and say 'not my problem', but she isn't. OP is a gem.

maisy why wouldn't you call her mum?

You only have one mum and one dad. If say if the child has only ever known you as mum (ie you've brought them up since tiny and you're all they know) then mum is fine.