Dps ex driving me nuts

[Magda72]

I'm really just venting here but would appreciate comments from others who've experienced same.
I'm with Dp 21/2 years & we have a great relationship. My kids get on great with him but things are a little trickier at his end mainly due to his exes behaviour.
All our kids are between 11 & 20 & we both have our kids EOW with mine being with me most of week also. We organise the weekends so we both have our kids the same weekend & he has kept his house in the town where his kids live so we see our kids separately. He has always worked away from home most of the week so his kids are used to not seeing him during the week since well before his divorce. To counterbalance this he takes them 75% of school holidays & all bank holiday weekends.
His kids have always been disinclined to stay at mine - fair enough as they have to travel - & I stepped back a bit in the early days as I wanted to respect his kids time with their dad as they don't live with him full time. I also stepped back as his ex exploded at my coming on the scene & had temper fits in front of the kids which was awful for them & for Dp.
Dp sometimes gets home to me one night during the week & sees my kids then, & I go on days out with him and his on bank holidays etc. as my kids are also with their dad on those type of days.
We haven't done much blending as the kids are poles apart in terms of interests & personalities but also because the logistics of getting 6 teens together at the weekends is pretty hard to sort.
I'm used to his ex ranting about me but her latest tirade of abuse involves accusing me of hating her kids & not wanting them near me, accusing Dp of abandoning his kids in favour of mine & generally dragging my kids into HER issues & this has gotten me really mad - so mad I'm sitting here fuming.
This all kicked off because Dp & I just went away with my kids for a week. Dp explained to his kids that we were doing it so he & my kids could spend some time together & told them that we would do similar with them in August when my kids are with their dad so I could spend a stretch of time with them. They rely heavily on their dad heavily for all things including fun & we were a bit worried about this but they seemed fine as did mine about me going away in August.
Dp wasn't going to say anything about her latest tirade to me but he had left his whatsapp openen when handing me his phone to check the weather & I couldn't help but see a txt so I asked him about it.
She wrote disgusting things about my kids, me, our sex life etc. And while previously she wanted me nowhere near her kids I'm now the worst in the world because I include them in no family days out etc. all of which is not true & for the record I have been on more days out with his kids than he's been on with mine! She also said that she'd extend the hand of friendship to me but I won't even call with him to collect the kids, I'm so stuck up - all this after previously telling Dp I wasn't to be in her line of sight. Ever! For the record I'm not the OW - there was no OW.
I'm just so sick of her & her irrational carry on & the way she tries to poison everything & I HATE her dragging my children into any of this.
I really just need to rant but do exes like this ever improve or do they stay this bitter & unpredictable?
I love my Dp unconditionally but honestly wonder if we can ever have some equilibrium. We are really trying our best to keep all kids happy here but I feel we will never get anywhere with his with all this crap being bandied about.
I just don't understand her - I would never talk to my ex about him, his Dp or their dcs together like that - it's just horrible especially for her kids who have to listen to her.
Sorry for the long post I just feel at wits end with her.

If you, DP and both sets of DC are mostly happy most of the time with how things go, then it's nothing to do with ex. She's welcome to her opinions, but not to share them. And if the youngest are 11 or over they're plenty old enough to share their feelings with you and their father, she doesn't need to be involved.

What does your DP say when she goes off on one?

It sounds like they have a fairly straight forward contact set up, so why do they need to communicate at all? My DSC are much younger but DH and ex email the schedule for 4 months at a time, then only text or email if there's a change to a plan - a friend's party or whatever - and there's no chat or discussion beside contact arrangements.

He needs to shut her down when she's going off the deep end, the easiest way is to ignore it and not reply. She sounds like she's all over the place, but there's nothing you can do to change it and given her dramatic U turns to date I wouldn't bother trying to be friends as the goal posts will just keep changing. Disengage from her completely. Is she contacting you or is it all through DP? She doesn't ever need to speak to you, so if she has your number then block her. DP needs to only deal with immediate contact issues and ignore anything else.

You sound like you're both being swept up in her drama. Take a big step back. Speak only about what directly concerns the DC. Ignore everything else. She has her life, you have yours, make as much space between them as possible.

I agree with the PP, take a step back. If you and your dp and both sets dc are happy then she can do one. i hope your dp is pushing back. If his kids are teens then surely he doesn't need to have much contact with her around contact with his dc.

My dh's ex is / was like this. She spent the first 3 years of our relationship telling me to keep away from her and her dc, witholding contact so many times my dh took her back to court 3 times to get access. She smashed up my car, got herself a criminal record for harassing me and dh etc etc the list is endless.

after 3 years dh decided that enough was enough, he ran out of money to keep taking her back to court each time she stopped him seeing the dc. Exw agreed to eow weekend at his parents house only as she didn't want the dc near me and my dc. He agreed, just so he could have a little time with his dc.

All was happy for about 6 months, then she decided that he was being unfair on the dc for not blending them with me and my dc and started telling them how much he preferred my kids to his.

He has no contact with her now as all the handovers are done at his mums house. She tells us that she goes into one eow weekend about how awful we are for keeping his kids seperate.

But its too late now, the damage has been done. She has made her bed and we have decided not to blend families. Life is much calmer, safer and better all round.

Good luck OP.

Thanks guys for the words of advice. In fairness to Dp he ignores her when she goes off like this which makes her worse - she will txt all day long until she eventually gives up!

Most of the time it doesn't get to me but the last tirade just really bothered me as she dragged my kids into her crap. All kids are generally happy it's hard on the dscs listening to her - she's still their mum & what she says does affect them.
I feel better after my rant lol - thanks again for the input & sorry to hear all of what you had to endure sapphire.

I can understand why you feel so annoyed, I've had similar issues with the ex, she was awful when I first moved in with dp, said awful things about me and she managed to manipulate the kids too! It's so hard because we do our best with their kids and our own kids and no matter what you do the ex has a problem! I hope your dp tells her to shut up or at least puts her straight. Mine is always a bit scared to stand up to her says he's avoiding an argument but well, you can sometimes feel let down. Your doing a brilliant job in your situation, keeping them separate etc. The ex needs to concentrate on her own life. I can't believe how many jealous mums there are out there!!

I can't offer solutions but I can offer sympathy! This isn't OK by any means, but your DH sounds like mine, he just ignores his Ex when she goes off on one. However she does pretty much try to poison her kids - tells them to treat DH like a cashpoint, tells them I'm crap. It hasn't helped at all my relationships with the step kids - but one or two, as they are older, are forming their own opinions. They can see she's biased and are trying to be nicer to me and DH. So let her dig her own mess - it's not yours or your DPs. Just know that you are not alone, a few of us with very awkward Exes (and I speak as an Ex myself - I would never do this!)

Oh bananas, this seems to be so common! I too am an ex my ex husband has a girlfriend, I don't feel bitter towards her at all in fact I understand how hard it must be for her sometimes, my dd is a teenager and is finding it hard to share her dad an whereas I understand that I do feel for the gf and she does try with them but I'd be glad and happy if they did get on I don't see the problem!

Is the August trip booked and did he tell them about it at the same time that he told them about going away with your kids?

I'm asking because my ex did this. He first told our kids that he was going on a business trip. When their SC told them they were going away the same place, they started to wonder so asked him. He then said that he was indeed going with them, but was planning a surprise holiday just with them... that surprise holiday never materialised! I too was furious on behalf of my children because although they told him they didn't mind, they told me they didn't understand why they would want to go away with his SC and not them.

Not saying it was the same for you, but sometimes there are different interpretations of circumstances.

As for being angry with her, the message was not addressed to you and your DP said nothing about it. Sometimes it's better not to get involved as ignorance can be bliss!

Hi Swing - yes August trip booked. My ex tends to do similar re not delivering on holiday promises so I try to be on the ball re that stuff.
Also I know my anger is useless - I just get so frustrated sometimes at the unnecessary agro she directs at everyone, as like bananas said, it does affect the relationship myself & my kids are trying to forge with Dps kids.
We're not trying to play happy families - we're just trying to make things as easy as possible for all kids & she constantly has to create trouble and upset.

Your DP needs to tell the ex that its comms about the kids only and no other texts/rants.

If she can't respect that, he needs to block her from whatsapp, and give her an email address to use which he will check on an intermittent basis

Or he can get a new phone number that is just for her to contact him on when he has the kids.

You can go hardball with this kind of crazy. She has no right to verbally abuse anyone. None of your DP's life is her business anymore

I know the message was not for you, and sadly you saw it, yes sure you shouldnt get upset about it, but you will. My OH ex makes up all manner of crap and when I knew of it, it really rattled me for a second.

That was until I realised that it was this that she wanted.

Grey rock. ignore and rise above. sounds like she is an ex for a reason