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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My adult step daughter has called my daughter a vile spoilt bratt...

37 replies

Mumofmany4and6 · 03/07/2017 19:38

Hello I am new to mumsnet and I have joined as I don't know how to deal with this. I have been with my husband 17 years, I have been his 3 children's step mum since they s very little. I have had 2 children. My first child was born severely disabled & requires 24/7 care. I then had a daughter who is now 9. I have always had a good relationship with my step children even though it is fiery between them and my dad. Two of them have been ignoring both of us (and my daughter who uses FaceTime etc) for a couple of weeks. I asked my husband to speak to them and find out what was going on. He spoke to the older of the 2 girls today and completely out of the blue she said that my Instagram post about my daughters play showed what a vile spoilt bratt she was and that no one was interested in her, why did I have to ram my children down their throats just because one is f'ing disabled etc etc. I am devistated really I am. I feel that my whole 'good' relationship with my step children was a lie and now I need to protect my daughter (who by the way is a nice girl who if anything misses out on attention because of her brother) This wasn't a row, it was calculated and had been discussed between them. I am so upset, and angry. What shall I do? Xxx

OP posts:
pigyoinkoinks · 04/07/2017 08:14

Your step daughter is a year older than me and sounds like a spoilt teenager!

What a horrible thing to say about a 9 year old child, she needs to learn to keep her negative opinions to her self!

If any one said such things to my daughter when she's older I would be mortified and extremely angry too OP

I think it's your husband that needs to speak to her.

Good luck FlowersFlowersFlowers

perdigal · 04/07/2017 08:40

bL

NellieBuff · 04/07/2017 08:52

This sounds to me like there are some serious issues that you have not recognised or redressed. Yes - what your DSD said was cruel but it sounds as if it came from a place of exclusion and pain. Perhaps, quite unknowingly, you have always put your children first and only now do your stepchildren feel that they can express their hurt and anger.

Chances are they will still be lovely to your children as it is you they have the issue with. Remember you are the adult in this situation and it is up to you to make it right,

jojo2916 · 04/07/2017 10:08

How any one can defend the vile behaviour of this 24 year old woman is beyond me. She's old enough by many years to be a mother herself. I would not allow her back in the house until she was truly sorry and I hope your dh backs you up.

LetsSplashMummy · 04/07/2017 10:21

It depends on the outcome you want, how you deal with this. Does your DH have an instagram account? Perhaps what you see as your account the SDs see as yours and DH and feel underrepresented? That would not make it okay though, not by a long way. I think your DH has to deal with this and stand up for his younger children. You could just express how hurt you are, they are old enough to realise that nasty behaviour has real consequences and isn't just some horrible little venting exercise.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/07/2017 14:11

I agree I do think you should stand up for your disabled daughter and have a word yourself with your SD. If you don't this resentment will be something that will not go away.

I have a special needs child and my adult SDs have resented him and me, but not in an explicit way so it's been hard to bring it out into the open. I wish in a way there had been an incident that you've had - as weird as it sounds at least they have very obviously come out with their feelings and so this could be challenged and who knows, they may see the error of their ways. Or if not, at least you can remain a solid unit with your DH.

It's so stressful really bringing up a child with additional needs, however lovely they are, that any added stress can tip people over the edge. So your number one priority is making sure you and DH aren't split over this. Stay strong! My SDs have caused my DH to feel conflicted which has really adversely affected our ability to be united parents. Don't let that happen! Flowers

swingofthings · 04/07/2017 17:23

It sounds like she was having a rant, a unpleasant one but just that with her dad, probably assuming that it would stay there.

What I don't get is why your husband would go and tell you everything she said. He should have told her that he wasn't going to listen to just nastiness and would only listen if she could speak in a pleasant manner and then leave it to that.

Telling you is hurting your feelings and makes you -and rightly so- resent her. What's the point?

By the way, I thought (and still think!) that my mum raised my sister to be a brat (20 years apart). All her life centered around her, all her discussion was about her, all her plans involved her. Even though I was an adult, it did get to me, not in a jealous way but because it got on my nerves that I couldn't have time with my mum that didn't revolve at some point around my sister.

I would never ever have said to her what I thought because I know it would have hurt her feelings deeply.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 09/07/2017 23:07

I think other PPs are right - you need to talk to her. She is an adult so treat her like one. Do you have the time to see her on her own? Your children dont ever need to know what she said about the photo. I agree with others - the comment is coming from hurt or jealousy. I really hope you can turn it around. 17 years is a long time.

Although just thinking about the timing. She is 24? So she was 7 or younger when her parents split. Perhaps at 9 her life was very unsettled. She may not understand that there was no social media back then. Do you have photos that you could show her of you, DH, her siblings when she was that age, that show a good family time?

You dont mention her mum. Again that might be a very hard place for her to go. When you become an adult you realise that your parents arent perfect. So she sees you supporting your DD, perhaps she never got that from her mum.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/07/2017 23:30

You seem to be suggesting that this outburst is out of character for your DSD, which of course makes it all the more shocking and upsetting. But it does make me wonder if there is something else going on in her life that she is struggling with and has lashed out (completely inappropriately) in a childish way rather than responding in a more normal and positive way. I'm thinking maybe relationship/health/career worries. I'd give her DDad a chance to speak to her properly before going 100% ballistic - and only decide on an appropriate course of action once you know more about her motivation.

Hissy · 24/07/2017 13:30

Bearing in mind that you have been in her life as long as you have, I'd pick up the phone and ask her gently what's going on and remind her that you and your DC love her and her sister.

Didiusfalco · 24/07/2017 13:41

Unless you want a rift in the family I think you need to be the bigger person. Take a deep breath and speak to her about what's really going on.

MaisyPops · 24/07/2017 13:46

The 24 year old sounds like a nasty bitter young woman.

I teach teenagers and even they can understand something as basic as 'some children have different needs'. The fact she'd not only be cruel about a child but do it on social media as some kind of public protest and pity party would cloud my view.

I fear you'll have to be the bigger person, but I'd absolutely not be budging without an apology.

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