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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My adult step daughter has called my daughter a vile spoilt bratt...

37 replies

Mumofmany4and6 · 03/07/2017 19:38

Hello I am new to mumsnet and I have joined as I don't know how to deal with this. I have been with my husband 17 years, I have been his 3 children's step mum since they s very little. I have had 2 children. My first child was born severely disabled & requires 24/7 care. I then had a daughter who is now 9. I have always had a good relationship with my step children even though it is fiery between them and my dad. Two of them have been ignoring both of us (and my daughter who uses FaceTime etc) for a couple of weeks. I asked my husband to speak to them and find out what was going on. He spoke to the older of the 2 girls today and completely out of the blue she said that my Instagram post about my daughters play showed what a vile spoilt bratt she was and that no one was interested in her, why did I have to ram my children down their throats just because one is f'ing disabled etc etc. I am devistated really I am. I feel that my whole 'good' relationship with my step children was a lie and now I need to protect my daughter (who by the way is a nice girl who if anything misses out on attention because of her brother) This wasn't a row, it was calculated and had been discussed between them. I am so upset, and angry. What shall I do? Xxx

OP posts:

LDN17 · 03/07/2017 20:44

What she said about your children (her siblings!) is disgusting.
You posted something on Instagram about your dd's play. Do you think she was jealous about her sister's achievement and you being proud of her?
Only reason I can think of why she would kick up a fuss about it.

CosmoClock · 03/07/2017 20:51

It isn't nice language or behavior but as the mother of the first time round children you have to allow them to feel excluded that they're not the ones being raised in the conventional mum and dad unit, they're not the ones being revered on face book.

I think you could post a picture of your step daughters and say something like it's up and it's down like any close relationship but you're lucky to have them in your life and your dd is so lucky to have such spirited sisters .......... or summit. Praise or note their bravery, wit, intelligence or .........athleticism (as applicable)

msrisotto · 03/07/2017 20:53

Aw try not to be upset. while those comments were awful, it sounds like it came from a place of jealousy, rather than malice.

Finola1step · 03/07/2017 20:55

How old is the DSD?

MonochromeDog · 03/07/2017 20:58

How old are the adult stepchildren? Because unless they're 10 and under (obviously not because you've been their stepmum for 17 years) they sound vile and a bit unhinged! I'd keep well away from them.

MadMags · 03/07/2017 21:01

OP says her adult sd.

Intheknickersoftime · 03/07/2017 21:04

I thought they were adult. I am struggling to find d anything to defend them. What does your husband say? It sounds a pretty toxic situation.

umberellaonesie · 03/07/2017 21:06

Having a disabled child in the family puts everyone under pressure and stress. Psychologist reckon 4 times more stress than ' normal' families.
Maybe now she is grown up she is missing the family unit and has lashed out.
Isn't acceptable no it isn't but if time us short due to your sons needs and your step daughter is no longer in the thick of it and able to catch up with you and her dad incidentally cos there isn't regular scheduled contact etc anymore.
I guarantee it is cos she is missing you and jealous her little sister still gets that attention and time.
Being grown up is rubbish And even more rubbish when you have siblings with extra needs.

youarenotkiddingme · 03/07/2017 21:07

I'd be upset too.

It's normal for people to post things about children's achievements.

Even in non step families that might be something a 9yo has done when they have teen siblings.

Original poster

Mumofmany4and6 · 03/07/2017 21:07

Thankyou for your replies. My step daughter is 24. I do have photos of them all round my house and have posted online too. I do understand it's jealously led but they really have nothing to be jealous of. They've never seemed to have any problems with me or my 2 children up to now, and their mum has had another child with a different dad too. It's just her words now make me feel like such an idiot, like I've been believing we a big happyish family and all the time they actually hate my children. My husband is upset too but I can't let this go and I normally let everything go.

OP posts:

MadMags · 03/07/2017 21:09

24? She's a bloody adult and a nasty one at that.

Honestly OP, is she was your bio child nobody would be making excuses.

Intheknickersoftime · 03/07/2017 21:10

At 24 that's pretty shitty of her. Your right not to let it go. She can't make your children feel second class.

FlamingoPrincess1212 · 03/07/2017 21:10

Mags whilst op says adult SD that really could be anything from late teens to 40!
Under 25s perhaps upset, and feeling excluded and jealous, it's not right, but as you fulfil the parental role for all these people to an extent, just ask her what you can do, or why she is upset.
To the PP who's saying to cut them off do you not think that will decimate any chance of fixing the good relationship the OP thought they had. If you cut her off you're showing your children are much more a part of her family than she is. When your parents both go on to have second nuclear families you are left not quite belonging in either, and that hurts weather you're five or thirty five.
Make sure all of your family feel welcome. Not just your biological children. You decided to embark on a life with your DP and you have to take a responsible adult position to try and take reasonable steps to understand the problem.

Wishing you all well

Lunar1 · 03/07/2017 21:12

Bloody hell, there is no excuse for that even if it does come from a place of jealousy.

I firmly believe everyone is different and becoming an adult is a process not something that happens on your 18th Birthday. But FFS I was a ward sister at 25!

FlamingoPrincess1212 · 03/07/2017 21:13

Sorry X post.
But just ask her op. If your DD is nine, and she's been in your life 17 years, there was a long time she was with her dad, her siblings and you.
Whilst what she did was certainly twatty, it was likely driven by some kind of upset, and I'm sure you can fix it.

RippleEffects · 03/07/2017 21:13

Oh goodness. They have a dad with a family and mum with a family. They're still quite young to be feeling so displaced.

Are you sure that hate is the right term? Massively unsettled and insecure that their parents have other focus.

Owllady · 03/07/2017 21:14

I'd just talk to her about it. If you've got on okay before there is no need for you not to?
Yes, she's been a prat, she's most probably insecure. It happens.
If she's said this directly to your daughter, you need to tell her not to do it again.

muckypup73 · 03/07/2017 21:15

Can I ask, because your daughter needs 24/7 care did you actually spend much quality time with the girls? I will tell you why after you have answered x

Original poster

Mumofmany4and6 · 03/07/2017 21:40

Hi, Thankyou again everyone. So it is my 10 year old son who is disabled. My 9 year old daughter is as affected by the needs of his care as anyone. To answer, when they were growing up their dad and me had them very regularly. In recent years they have moved away for uni and work so we are much more reliant on them visiting us. We have a room always made up for them and they know (or knew!?!!) they were always welcome. My husband does visit them, it is much more difficult for all of us as my disabled son cannot do long journeys which they know. It just seems to stem from me saying my daughter did well in a play and is so horrible. I am really worried my daughter will find out as she thinks her big sisters are amazing :(

OP posts:

Owllady · 03/07/2017 21:58

Just talk to her
Maybe they need a bit of input in respect of dealing with your sons diagnosis. It's really not unusual.
A severe disability involving a child affects everyone in the immediate family and often as the main carer you don't see it yourself.
I'm sure she still loves your daughter and it can all be resolved. It's most probably a culmination of all sorts of things and yes, she's an adult and should know better, but try not to take it personal as I'm sure she doesn't mean it if you've been close before. Sound a like she has alot of unresolved stuff going on. She us the eldest I take it?
I'm not making excuses for her, I just think you'll feel better if you make up etc.you have enough on as it is bab x

MadMags · 03/07/2017 22:31

I actually can't believe what I'm reading here!

This adult woman was vicious about a young child in a play, but because she's a step all must be forgiven and handled with kid gloves.

muckypup73 · 03/07/2017 22:43

Can I just say op,comming from a very small family where there was a child that needed care 24/7, I never realised I needed my mum and how much I had actually missed out on with her till say around 10 years ago, I never said nothing till around 4 years ago, and I asked my mum why she never loved us? I had a few drinks and she said she did, but she had always been so busy with my brother that it was only when I got older I resented it, anyway she died 2 years after that, and sometimes I feel awfull for what I said, but she was so foccused on my brother, and then he died and she spent all her time grieving that my sister and I never had a look in.

Do you think that it could possibley be that? that you are busy 24/7?? and you have no time for them? please if you can spend as much time with them as possible because if not they are missing out xx

Aroundtheworldandback · 03/07/2017 22:49

100% agree MadMags- just laughable

Owllady · 03/07/2017 22:51

Muckypup, your mother will have fully understood. You have nothing to feel bad about and she would have known anyway x
Life is complex

Patronsaintofglocks · 03/07/2017 22:53

IS she a brat though?

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