Wish Sundays could be simpler

[TwoDots]

I'm feeling a bit frustrated. DP ex drops DSD off at 10am every other Sunday and 4pm every other Sunday (alternate weeks if that makes sense). I wish those drop offs could be more straight forward.

Not exaggerating, most weeks she's either considerably late (I understand if it's child related reasons but normally it's because she's been to the pub), or she's calling/texting him saying she will be there early. A few weeks ago she was 2 hours early, and today she's calling him saying she's at the house and why wasn't he there (45 mins early). The reason is because she finished her pub lunch earlier than planned.

I know I sound like a cow but Sundays are DP only day off so we do make plans (with DSD also) and it's so frustrating constantly having to go back early etc, or rushing to get home on time to find she's nearly an hour late. I know there has to be flexibility but this is most weeks. Just needed to get it out

Have you got a Child Arrangements Order, TwoDots? Or is it mutually arranged between your DP and the ex?
Flexibility is good but if it's the only day DSD gets to see her Dad, it could be affecting her contact negatively if it means plans made for her go to pot. How does the Mother react if your Dp is late or early with Arrangements (if he is)?

They've agreed it together.

The arrangement changes a lot. This week for example, DSD is spending 2 nights with us, followed by 1 night with her mother, then 1 night back with us then 3 nights back with her mother. I find it hard as I plan and like a bit of a routine, but her mother is all over the place with stuff and DP addresses it but it does t change.

Sundays are hard as in my mind it's hit hard to stick to an agreement with changes happening occasionally. This is most weeks.

TBH DP doesn't ask for changes and sticks to times to help our own life run smoothly and to set a good example. She kicks off if he says no to things and I don't think she'd be so welcoming if we were constantly changing things meaning she has to work around us

It can be difficult without an order - what I mean is although it's obviously best for children if the parents can agree Arrangements between them, there's no defined plan which everyone has to go by.
My DP had to apply to get an order, followed by many applications for enforcement, further applications to vary order...all because the mother doesn't give a monkeys about supporting the relationship between SS and his dad (DP).
Perhaps if she's difficult to talk to, your DP could write a polite and nicely worded letter asking if Sunday's could possibly stick to a certain time for drop off and pick up so he can make plans for the little one e.g days out?
I'm not suggesting application for an order is the way to go as it's not for everyone, but it can make arrangements easier if co-operation doesn't happen and in my DP's case it was absolutely necessary and now if she breaches it intentionally without good reason (I'm talking refusing contact, attempting to change times without discussion etc, not little things) he enforces it. With an order the resident parent is obliged by court to make child available for contact at certain times, so it's easier in that respect. As there is no order, try writing a non-aggressive letter and keep a copy as proof. If that doesn't work, and she refuses to agree to maintain a regular time, there's not much else he can do apart from apply to Court - although he will have to speak to a mediator first, so perhaps mediation will work! Sorry for long rambling answer

Not rambling at all. Makes perfect sense

Will just keep trying 😊

TwoDots I have a similar problem. DPs Ex is so unorganised and often late, especially for pick up.
She doesn't tell DP about parties etc that are happening when he has the DC until the last min, meaning we are constantly reorganising our plans. I don't have any advice at the moment, but I'll be following the thread to see if anyone can help!

Was about to post on similar situation. Have had enough of it.

Don't get me started on parties! We have the same issue. It means upsetting plans for my DC which I become less than impressed about

Had this yesterday and told dh to sort it out with them. We are all equal in this family and no one takes priority.

We had this with my husband's ex. Always late In the end we just said we'd do the pick-ups/drop-offs to save the stress. I know that might not be practical but in our situation it was the only way we could ever be on time for things and also not having our days cut short because she views our contact time as 'pointless' - she even said that as well. Charming woman.

I'm surprised she drops off and picks up - in most cases it is the dad who picks up/drops off.

Isn't this board all about equal parenting etc? Why shouldnt she do some of the drop offs when they are co parenting on an equal basis

The whole thing needs looking at really. In future we may need to do all the pick ups when circumstances change. Until then it is very frustrating

Bluebell and Flying...I feel for you being in a similar situation. It's so hard

I'm on the side of regular times and schedules in advance. I hated my DPs and Exes 'arrangement' - which turned out to be whenever the Ex liked. Usually I do find in these 'loose' arrangements it is one parent who likes the flexibility for them (not the kids) and the other parent is a bit of a pushover! It's not great for kids to be all over the place, I know sometimes things change, but if there's consistency then it's the odd occasion rather than every one.

I'd ask your DP to set up a schedule in advance. I did with my DP, got called all the names under the sun from his Ex but it was so much better and I could actually have some time parenting my kids / planning / not unexpectedly been given the role of step parent on my own by either parent...

Any progress OP? Happened again my end so I've told DH to have a word.

She makes arrangements expecting DH to pick up DSS and take him to parties etc that DD can't do, so I have to have DD. Except me and DH rarely have a day off together and if I'm post night shift it's really difficult.

Unfortunately not flyingjelly.

Again this Sunday was messed up. His ex gave him notice about a party (ex's friends child) last tues meaning DP lost his day (was supposed to get DSD at 10am). I was told by DP that DSD would be dropped off at 4pm. Naturally I made plans for me, DP And my DS. Low and behold when we're in the middle of something out and about, DP gets a text to say DSD being dropped off early. DP never sees an issue until I point it out which is the most frustrating always feels like I'm working around his ex

You need to tell him the same I did with my DH. That my DSS is not the only person in this family and to make any changes barring emergencies we have to agree in advance as it isn't always possible to accommodate. I told DH sort it or it's over.

Flyingjelly did things improve for you after?

He gets it when I explain it to him, but he just doesn't think when he's presented with his ex on the phone asking for this, that, and the other. He's too nice but then loses sight of the rest of his family, i.e. Us

I've only told my DH in the last couple of days but he seems to be listening. I explained whilst I cannot dictate how he behaves with his ex I can make my own decisions based on his behaviour and I won't stay in a marriage where I have no say in my own life or I can't even make plans in case they turn them upside down. Cancelled so many things.

DH has already made improvements as he is double checking everything now in case of clashes and he makes it clear to his ex we need to double check our rotas. Most of the time there is no issue but DH is trying and I said that's all he can do, stick to boundaries we've agreed.

I can only explain how I have dealt with my disorganised ex. I now do the dropoffs rather than hang around for him. He is responsible for bringing DD back on a Sunday evening. The fluid time is anywhere between 4pm and 9pm. Ive learnt that I can't make him organise himself especially as he is with a partner who is equally disorganised. I can see that this sounds like giving in but going with flow has made it a darn sight easier than sitting seething each week and tapping my watch. It's interesting that you say this bothers you more than your DH so maybe he'd be happy to go with the flow too.

Another day I sympethise . DPs normal contact day for his DC last night - normally he does all pick ups and drop offs but yesterday his ex was visiting an elderly relative in hospital so she said she would collect the kids on the way back (normally 20:30). She finally turned up at 22:35 to pick up DSD10 and DSS6. Which hospital even allows visiting until that time? DP suggested at the start that the kids could stay over as she had said it would be after 9 (IMO even 20:30 drop off is too late for a 6yo) so as not to disrupt their bed times. She refused.

The kids had been so well behaved all evening but as time went on and they got more tired they got crabbier and crabbier and we ended up with bickering between them and tears. It was such an avoidable situation and them staying could have made everyones lives more easy - including the ex.

Flyingjelly - your DP did not "lose" his time - he got to parent his child which does actually involve taking them to parties in his time.

Whilst I get the need for some structure - what do you propose your DP does about parties. Tell his child that on "his"time he does not want the child to go to parties?

he got to parent his child which does actually involve taking them to parties in his time.

RTFP - he didn't even get to do this...