Someone to talk to

[user1498488012]

Hi, I am new to this so please bear with me.

At the beginning of last week, our lives changed most probably forever. I am a mother of one boy who is 11, my partner has two children from a previous marriage a girl of 8 and a boy of 6 he has 50/50 access with his ex wife and its fairly amicable.

She has not been feeling great for a while, lost a bit of weight etc and toing and froming from the hospital for various tests to no avail.

She visited last week to tell us she will be staying in hospital for a few days and could we look after the children they want to keep an eye on her. The very next day she had a CT scan which revealed a mass in her stomach. We were worried but thought at least they have finally found something they can go ahead and start treating her. It was revealed two days later that in actual fact the cancer was terminal, she has 6 months left maximum. As you can imagine, everyone is devastated. The children are beyond upset, as she wanted to tell them (with their dad) as soon as possible.

Myself and her have had very little interaction, I don't really know her at all. She has messaged me to say she wants to speak about things "only mums know". I'm guessing talks will be about her children. She was really very lovely to me and I cannot put into words how sorry I am that this is happening to her. I cant imagine having to say goodbye to my son.

Over the weekend things slowly started to sink in with my partner and the children. How things will be different and difficult but they have a lot of support and friends/family that will help in anyway they can. I was so busy looking after them that I hadn't really thought of the changes that it meant. Until today and I feel like I have been hit with the a sledgehammer.

The guilt I am feeling for being able to see her children grow up and all of the things she will miss out on is unbearable. I'm worried about how the children will treat me once she has died. I'm worried that I am going to let her and my partner down and do and say things wrong where the children are concerned. I love them like they are my own and I feel bad about that too. They are not my children. I don't want their mum to think I am trying to replace her, im not in anyway. And I feel like I am treating the children differently at the moment so I don't get accused of such. I feel bad because I am already tired of the cancer and death talks and don't want it to engulf their lives, I cant remember the last time we had just a normal conversation. I'm embarrassed of my jealousy towards his ex-wife, they are obviously in constant contact at the moment and I should be ok with it, but I am not. I'm angry at her, she has created (not intentionally, or through choice) this massive mess that she will not have to help clear up. I'm angry at myself for being so selfish. This is about the children losing their mum not me. I'm angry at my partner for not confiding in me or talking to me about anything so I feel left out of the loop. His daughter asked me something yesterday, I couldn't answer because I hadn't been told. That made me angry, how am I suppose to be seen as dependable to them if I don't get told things?

There is a lot going on. But I just needed that out of me. I'm sorry.

I suppose if anyone else has ben in a similar situation I would really appreciate the benefit of their advice. Or if anyone know of anything that may help the situation I would really appreciate it.

I love my partner and his children dearly, we are a family in our own right and I am here to support them. I just really don't want to let anyone down and do everything I can to make this as easy for them as possible.

Thanks for reading.

Oh, how very sad....for all concerned!
No real advice, other than to say, it's obvious you're trying to do your best for everyone, but don't forget this tragic situation will impact on you too, so don't be too hard on yourself!
Only advice I would give is, try to find a councillor who deals with deaths in blended families, and how it affects each member. And don't think you always have to put yourself last....you're going to have to be strong in order to help hold this family together, so give yourself a break!

That's so sad
Just to echo the pp above, it is tragic for all including you. It is going to be heartbreaking witnessing the children lose their mum.
I have no advice really. But I am going through something very similar. My dp is currently being tested for cancer. We have dcs together and he also has a dc from a previous relationship. dp tells me to be prepared for the worst .

If there is one thing I have learnt LDN17 is try not to worry until you know what it is you are facing. I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. Its so hard not to worry and get stressed. hugs.

I have been looking into counselling today, I think I need someone impartial to speak to who can help me guide and help the others in the most productive way.

That must be so hard. This is a thread that I suspect all prospective step mums to read - it's the 'what if...' actually happening and all the emotions that brings to the for. Relate will probably be able to help, or at least be more used to dealing with the complexities of blended families.

I hope all goes as well as it can over the next few months. It will be tough but eventually, a new normal will emerge.

This is hard, but one thing you need to remember is that you are all still at the very beginning of this journey, and this revelation and realisation that things are about to change is new to everyone. At the moment nobody really knows how things will pan out, what treatment the mum will be going through or how her time with her children is going to pan out, or even how long it will be. (Six months is an estimate but not set in stone, it could be months or it could still be years.

I would advise that you speak to someone like MacMillan who are used to dealing with a variety of situations or who at the very least will be able to point you in the direction of someone who does. But for now take things one day at a time, because although you have all been told what the outcome is likely to be, that outcome has not yet arrived and there is currently not yet a definitive timeline.

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I'm so sorry, how sad for all, .

That part of wisdom that says some things are a marathon, not a sprint, may be helpful here. Remember to eat, sleep, talk, get on with life. Keep going, all of you. Macmillan can be good as others have said - I saw a documentary where the Mum made preparations by writing/videoing what she wanted to say. In some ways, with professional help, it might be helpful to have some idea about her, how she wants her children to be bought up, something that you could honour that might make you feel that even when she is gone, you are working together.

The only other thing I would say, is if I was in the mothers shoes, and I trusted the step mother, and there was compassion and care on both sides, how much better I would feel knowing that someone was to be there for my children.

And for the children, the stability of having another adult in their lives through this really difficult time.

She started chemo yesterday which they hope may slow the cancer down. However, should this not work it's really a matter of weeks that she has to live. They told her she won't see the end of September. She has extremely aggressive cancer in her stomach that has spread to other organs. We are obviously keeping everything crossed that it does work.

I spoke to my partner in depth last night about everything. We gave each other 15 minutes each to say whatever we liked with no judgement. I actually found we were both, scared and angry about similar things. It made me realise that this is incredibly hard on him too.

I am so adamant that I want to sit and talk to her about everything she would like. I want her to be satisfied that I am gonna do a good enough job even if it's one less thing she needs to worry about. A weight off. I really have nothing but admiration for her she's being incredibly brace and calm.

I have started the process of getting some help, work have referred me to a counselling team. My partner on the other hand says he doesn't want anything just yet, which isn't his choice I don't want to force that.

I actually feel a lot more positive this morning.

Thanks so much for all of the well wishes and wise words. I really appreciate the time and effort to reply. X

Hi OP,
I have no experience to offer sorry. I agree with a PP that you really need to look after yourself as you will be dealing with a lot over the coming months/years.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself, I'm sure you will do an amazing job. Remember that no one is perfect, not even their Mum. You can only do your best.
Hope the treatment works

Hi OP, as others have said, look after yourself and don't be ashamed of the feelings you feel. It's hard when you're part of a situation, an important part but also on the periphery. No doubt, you'll feel better when you have spoken to the mum. The counselling will help and give you tools to help support the children. It's going to be a long hard road so communication with your partner is key - sounds like you're doing everything 'right'.

Incidentally, I'm in a similar position - as in connected to but not directly involved with someone with terminal cancer (I'm almost convinced that it's the same person you speak of as the details are the same regarding diagnosis and family make up but I won't ever mention the thread). In my case, it's my sister who I haven't been in contact with for some time due to various issues. Obviously these issues are irrelevant now but it's incredibly awkward and I'm struggling to deal with conflicting emotions. Life does like to keep things interesting!

OP. You're doing a great job to even admit to those feelings. I'm glad you and your OH can talk about these things, and I'm wishing you the best. I don't have any similar experiences or words of wisdom, however you should look into Maggie's centres. They're a charity my work supports heavily. They are for supporting all affected by cancer, paitents and family and friends. Anyone can go. They run activities, kids days, offer different ways to cope from art workshop, stress management courses, psychologists, so a mix of emotional, social, and practical support. I don't know if they would be worth looking into.

OP, have a look for that Rio Ferdinand documentary on the aftermath of losing his wife. It shows how he helped his kids through it and gives some ideas about support groups etc. I would encourage the kids to make as many memories with Mum as possible as I am sure it will mean so much to them in the years ahead. In terms of support for you, definitely seek some out. It will be a very difficult time for all of you and I wish you strength and courage.

I am hoping that the children will spend as much time as possible with her. I want that for them, me and my partner are actively encouraging talking about her and thinking of nice things they can do together. Making scrapbooks and letters etc things they can look back on in years to come. As soon as she is ready to talk face to face I am more than willing. There are so many things I want to say to her and ask and I am sure she feels the same. The fact she trusts me enough with her children I am truly thankful for.

Thank you for all the kind words. I'm fully aware its a long road ahead and this is only the beginning. I am being referred for help through work I want to learn things I can do to help them. So I don't feel so bloody helpless.

Dagnabit - I'm sorry to hear about you sister. We may be talking about the same person. If, in some weird coincidence, we are get back in contact and let bygones be bygones. you will only regret it later on. It doesn't matter what has happened, only what happens from now. If you would like to message me to talk please do. If not, I wish you well, and don't beat yourself up about how you feel too much. After all, we are all only human. :)

No advice but just wanted to express how sorry I am for you and the whole family.
I'm a divorced mother and it really is something that sits in the back of my subconscious as a 'what if' scenario, something you don't want to think about. If I have to, can I say my greatest wish would be to have a step-mother in my children's life as thoughtful and caring as you.

Deardinah - Thank you, I appreciate what you have said. I too would take some comfort knowing my son would be looked after and have someone caring around them. I just don't want to over-step or appear like I am trying to replace her etc Its a tough balancing act. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone tbh.

Redbus1030 - I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum at such a young and important age. I appreciate you sharing your advice and experiences with me from the child's perspective.

I am, in a way, looking forward to the opportunity to speak to Mum. I think it will alleviate worries on both sides, we don't really know each other that well at all and I want to be able to speak to the children about her once she is gone. The little quirks and characteristics are exactly the kind of thing I want to talk to her about. The small things nobody really notices except for mum. And I really want to put her mind at ease, that even though the situation well and truly sucks let work together and make it as easy as possible for the poor, confused children in the middle of this crazy hurricane - my son included.