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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to support DP without getting too involved

20 replies

SteppingOnToes · 19/06/2017 12:51

DP has DSD10 and DSS6. I sent their mum a message asking if she normally does anything for FD with the kids but she ignored my message. I was chatting to his DM (didn't mention the message or ex) and she said that nothing is normally done and encouraged me to get a card for the kids to write in. I did and got them to write in it and also a small token gift for them to wrap.

He didn't see his DC on FD as it wasn't his weekend. He tried to phone them on the house phone to at least speak to them but there was no answer and his ex had turned her mobile off.

I gave him the card and the present (I was hoping the kids would be round to give it him) and he was really grateful that I had managed to organise it without him guessing (not easy as he doesn't expect childcare of me so time alone was difficult)

The problem is that he is totally gutted. The kids adore him and he is a good dad and I can tell he feels really bad. Hes not one to drink to the point of getting drunk but he did last night. My heart breaks for him as he misses the kids so much and never gets to see them on special days. It's like he's not allowed to make happy memories with them.

We did try to shift FD to the Weds before (his midweek contact day) but his ex organised activities so he didn't get to see them.

How do I support him through this - it all seems like empty words :(

~MNHQ if someone reports me for sock puppetting please check my IP history. I don't know who reported me and who they thought I was but im not. I had another post deleted recently and have no idea why~

OP posts:

Redbus1030 · 19/06/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

swingofthings · 19/06/2017 17:13

He needs to stop the self pity and do something about it. Really, he should have put all efforts to plan in advance and ask his ex if he could have them for a few hours on the day, at a time that suited and he would come and drop them off.

If she'd say no to that, then I would have arranged to get the eldest a cheap mobile (if they don't have one yet) so they could speak with him on the day.

Original poster

SteppingOnToes · 19/06/2017 21:28

Thanks Redbus - it's really sad.

If she'd say no to that, then I would have arranged to get the eldest a cheap mobile (if they don't have one yet) so they could speak with him on the day.

She did say no and neither child is allowed a mobile. The 10yo is allowed one when she goes to high school but that isn't for another 18 months (she's the oldest in year 5). He tried phoning - phone was ignored and his exes mobile was turned off - I'm sure I said that in the OP.

And self pity? He's a good dad and misses his kids - how is that self pity, it's wanting to be there for them. How wicked of you to say such a thing.

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 19/06/2017 21:36

I'm assuming that child contact is through private arrangement rather than Court.

Perfectly reasonable to expect to see kids on FD as long as he's equally flexible about MD.

If I were him I'd be looking into mediation and a legal solution. If Wednesday has become activity day then he needs to push for Tuesday/Thursday instead or be the one who takes them and picks them up from activity of Wednesday if he lives close enough.

Original poster

SteppingOnToes · 19/06/2017 21:58

I'm assuming that child contact is through private arrangement rather than Court.

It got as far as mediation before after she stopped him seeing his DC. He cannot afford to take her to court sadly. He's flexible about MD. She's not flexible about anything - she has them on their birthdays, Christmas, Easter, even when it isn't 'her' contact. She just says 'They've asked to be with me' which he can't argue to :(

OP posts:

Confusedandintrigued · 19/06/2017 22:01

How to help him?

To encourage him to see Father's Day as a silly bit of fun/meaningless and not to be hurt if it doesn't work out that he doesn't have the children that day.

To encourage him not to get really drunk when he is disappointed about not seeing his children.

And when you say he "is never allowed to see them on special days" was this not covered in the agreement between him and is ex. Christmas / birthdays?

Confusedandintrigued · 19/06/2017 22:02

Fair enough, if they've asked for that.

The children are old enough to voice their opinion

Arcadia · 19/06/2017 22:06

Hi OP family lawyer here. I am afraid it does sound like legal action is required here. Making an application to court costs £215 and thereafter there are no fees. He does not need legal representation. Many, many people now attend court as 'litigants in person' since legal aid was cut, and the courts have to accommodate and assist them. He can achieve an order that provides for special days to be taken into account each year such as Father's Day, and for defined times for telephone calls between times that he sees them.

Arcadia · 19/06/2017 22:09

And at 6 they are Absolutely not supposed to be making their own decisions. At around 10 their views may be gathered by a third party professional such as a cafcass officer but not by a parent.

swingofthings · 20/06/2017 05:51

And self pity? He's a good dad and misses his kids - how is that self pity, it's wanting to be there for them. How wicked of you to say such a thing.
It is self pity because from what you are saying, he is doing nothing about the way he is being treated. If you took it upon yourself to call her, I expect it means it is not new behaviour on her part. So what is he doing about it? He can either let her control him, or act so that he isn't.

Why didn't he just go there and knock on the door? Say he wasn't staying long and that he had tried many times to call, but he really wanted to be able to see his son on that day.

If she is so difficult to prevent all contact, including on the phone, then it might be time to go to court.

Underthemoonlight · 20/06/2017 06:06

Have you been together long you don't sound very clear about certain things with what happens with Father's Day inregards to presents etc. I'm wondering if there's more to this situation and this is why the mother is so resistant there's normally a good reason for this especially when your
Contacting her aswell.

I speak from personal experience due to my ex's previous actions he wasn't the father he was capable of at the time putting his needs of DS above (alcohol and drugs) it took mediation and court where things were build over a period of time in a safe environment.He has a very active loving relationship took him Abroad a few weeks ago but at the time I was right to go through the necessary process and measures due to his behaviour at the time. I'm wondering if this is the case here.

Confusedandintrigued · 20/06/2017 06:57

At 6 they "absolutely not supposed to be making own decisions"

I have a 6 year old. He can very articulate what he wants and doesn't want to do. I consider what he "wants" and will refuse if I don't think it's in his interests ie a second ice cream; play computer games; stay up too late.

However, my 6 year tell me that he doesn't want to see his father on a particular day, and he really seemed adamant (not saying that this is the case with the OP), I would bloody listen and act on it!

Confusedandintrigued · 20/06/2017 06:58

Good point under the moonlight

It would seem this is your first Father's Day with him. So relationship at least fairly new if not very new.

Why don't you wait a bit OP to see how the land really lies before doing anything

Underthemoonlight · 20/06/2017 07:49

Also I would add me and ex don't do gifts for mothers day and Father's Day for each other and is done either by our dps on behalf of DS. I wouldn't appreciate it if his new dp messaged me especially if there's been some ill feeling.

CrazedZombie · 20/06/2017 07:55

Confused- if there's a legal agreement about child contact and a 6 year old didn't go, the mum would be in trouble should the father take it to court. Trouble can go as far as prison for persistent offenders.

If the parents are trying to sort things out legally, the 6 year old wouldn't be consulted on their opinion. An 11 year old's opinion would hold sway but definitely not a 6 year old's. If you have no experience with child custody then you'd be horrified to discover that parents who are drug addicts or abusive towards the other parent still get legal access with the child(ren).

WannaBe · 20/06/2017 08:46

Well, while I wouldn't assume that a mother who withholds access necessarily has valid reason for doing so as there definitely are women out there who do restrict access to their children, in the cases I know where this has happened the fathers have gone to the ends of the earth to gain access, through the courts etc.

But a man who instead chooses to cry into his drink and claim he doesn't have the £200 or so to be able to go to court is just enjoying playing the victim when actually he doesn't really give a stuff. Because if he did he would do something about it and he hasn't, so no sympathy there I'm afraid.

I wouldn't however be giving a six year old a say in where they go or not. If court access were ordered there would be no choice in the matter, and reality is that six year olds are fickle creatures. It's very easy for the mother to sit and say they wouldn't make their six year old go to their dad's if that was their wish, but would you be happy for it to be the other way around on the day when the six year old was having fun at daddy's and didn't want to come back? No didn't think so.

sothisisnew · 20/06/2017 12:51

Some really harsh answers from swingofthings and WannaBe there. Do you know how hard it is to come to realisation that the relationship between you and the mother of your children has deteriorated to the point that she doesn't want you to spend time with them? To realise that despite your best efforts to stay out of the courts and co-parent positively, that might not happen? Give him a break.

OP, I've found that when my OH is given another beating (not literal) from his ex, it's best to support him by acknowledging that what's happening is wrong, and to encourage him to seek a way out of it by being proactive. If he's struggled with Fathers' Day this year, what can he do to make sure this doesn't happen again next year and the other significant milestones in between? It sounds like something needs to be written down- if it does need to be through a contact order, then it has needs to be done.

Dollyparton3 · 20/06/2017 12:51

OP my DP couldnt afford court action but he did it and gained a £12k court bill for his efforts. But it was a matter of principle. He fought tooth and nail for the chance to have regular access. His Ex knew full well that her costs would be minimal as she was on benefits .

in my view there is no excuse for a man to play the victim on this. he either stands up for himself in asking to renegotiate access (which may or may not involve a court process) or he puts up with it.

I think the bigger choice here is how much you're willing to help him if he wont help himself.

Magda72 · 21/06/2017 23:16

OP he defiantly needs to go to court with this - he'll find the money for the application somewhere. If he truly wants to sort this out for the long haul then he needs to dig in & man up.

Lunar1 · 22/06/2017 11:04

How long would it really take him to save up £215?

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