So what do I do now

[Fianceechickie]

I've handled a situation badly, I think. Last weekend we were in a card shop getting Father's Day cards for my and DH dad's with the DSCs. Normally they get a present and card with their mum but I felt as we there i would say 'do you want to get your Father's Day card now, or are you getting something with mummy?' They decided to choose nice card and a mug for DSD to give him which I bought them. I had already ordered another mug online for my DH with them earlier as was a particular one with his fave car on that he'd asked for which we agreed would be from DSS. I asked them on Thursday morning if they wanted to wrap pressie and write card but they said no they'd do it today. When they arrived though, they were armed with two presents and a card they'd bought and written with their mum. I was pretty put out but didn't say anything and just left what I'd got upstairs. I'm ashamed to say I took it out on DH. I shouldn't have done that and should have found a way of broaching it with DSD who is 12. She was acting quite oddly as presumably she knew it was odd. I imagine she's not felt able to tell her mum she'd bought a present and card with me and equally couldn't mention to me either. I feel sad for her that that's the situation. So what do I do now? DH and I had a bit of a set to about it and I ended up tossing the presents on the bed. He got pretty irate with me. I know I've handled it badly. DSD and I normally have a really good relationship. DH did know I had got stuff for them and didn't say anything either.

I think you're right, your DSD got carried away when you offered, bought gifts and then couldn't bring herself to tell her mum that she'd shopped with you this year. 12 isn't really very old and I expect she just felt torn between the two of you.

To be fair, I'm not sure why you offered in the shop given you know this is something that the kids always do with their mum. I know you meant nothing by it, but in my experience it's that kind of thing which puts noses out of joint.

If it were me I'd sleep off my irritation and let it go

I think if I were you I'd have taken DSC aside and said they could give the stuff you bought with them too, and lucky daddy to get two lots of cards/gifts. But it's done now, at least you didn't take it out on DSD. To be honest in a few years she'll be sorting out her own cards/gifts for him anyway without adult help so I'd just let it blow over and keep the status quo until then.

I consider the present buying to be my responsibility, as my children's mum. Not the new partner's, particularly as new partner's can come and go. I am also not about to say 'no' to my children if they see something they think their father would like when out and about with me. What do I say? I won't buy that pair of socks because it's new partner's responsibility?

No I don't know why I offered either to be honest. Just a spur of the moment thing?! I guess I'd like our situation to be more relaxed, 'doesn't matter who does what' type thing but it's not sadly. Don't know what to do about the flipping mugs now! Bit awkward for DH to be drinking his tea out of them!

I think where you know there is a history of ignoring events like birthdays, Xmas and Father's Day, it's fine to step in but otherwise leave well alone. I wouldn't let it bother you. It's the nightmare of the blended family and trying to work out your place - no right or wrong answers, every situation is different.

I would also suggest if. Um is gift buying without any hassle, things may already be reasonably relaxed? Don't turn it into something if it's nothing!

Sadly not...won't go into it here but it's pretty dire between her and DH. Present buying is something she has always done though, no matter how much venom she's thrown our way and no matter what else she's done she's always done that. Having said there's not been a major blow up for a while. We live in hope! Blended families are so so hard. So many emotions and conflicts and awkwardness. I so envy those have 'normal' families.

Don't be too hard on yourself and give dh a cuddle if you not already. Could you say to the kids next time you see them ' shall we give daddy his extra presents this weekend? Didn't want to spoil daddy with too many presents on one day!' (Or something like that).
It can be tricky but if you always put the kids first (like you would if they were your biologicals), you can't go too wrong. I love my steps and feel so lucky to have them in my life. Blended families don't have to be hard (admittedly I don't know your situation). Good luck xxx

Oh Lordy OP I hear you!!!
Firstly though apologise to dh 😊 - I'd hazard a guess he's probably not that comfortable being bought gifts by his ex, especially if they don't really get on, but probably puts up with it for the kids sake. My ex used to do similar & I gritted my teeth through it until my eldest was old enough to go shopping alone & my other two could make me gifts unsupervised! - at that point I told ex to stop as truly it made me uncomfortable.
As others have said ask your dsc if they'd like to give the gifts the next time they're over - poor dsd is probably feeling quite conflicted. Don't be too hard on yourself - you did nothing wrong bar 'crashing' a 'tradition' which seems to mean a lot to the exw!

It's bloody hard knowing how to handle these situations OP, my advice would be to put it down to experience and nip any bad feelings or awkwardness in the bud now.

Talk to DH and apologise for taking it out on him and then arrange with DSC to give the extra presents when you see them next. I would acknowledge that it was awkward and let them know you didn't mean for them to be put in that situation. Getting it all out in the open is the best way to dispel awkwardness in my experience.

It's a minefield though OP, my DSC are grown up now but we've had our share of 'incidents' over the years, it does get easier as they get older

The problem is that you were expecting recognition and praise from your OH for sorting out such perfect presents on behalf of your SC. As it was, with them coming with presents arranged from their mum, the effect of your efforts were seriously reduced (or so you thought). Ex probably still gets presents to win points too.

As it is, the kids are stuck in the middle, not daring say no to you or their mum, when I bet what they would rather do is get the money and buy their own thing for the dad (or maybe even just get a nice card). Similarly, your partner probably doesn't care that much about the gift and would just be as happy, if not happier with a big huge hug, warming words, and a nice handmade card.

Lesson learnt for next year.

Thanks everyone. I'll ask them if they want to give him the presents they chose with me this weekend. Bit tricky though cos the in laws will be staying from Ireland. I do find it odd as one poster said, the whole idea of present buying for the ex. I suppose I think presents should be bought and chosen with love and knowledge of what the person likes which is not the case here as his ex makes no secret of her contempt for my DH and the kids are aware of it. I'm certainly not scoring points via the presents with my DH as one poster suggested! I'd have got him more than a couple of spare of the moment mugs if that was the case. I don't know if their mum was point scoring as I don't know if she knew I had got mugs. Possibly as what they came with cost quite a bit more but it was all chosen by DSD. I spent all day and some of Saturday cooking a meal for Father's Day giving him exactly what he wanted food wise... I wanted it to be perfect and then I ended up souring the whole day he said. I don't know. I guess I love buying presents for people I love and sharing that with the DSCs.

Ok, so not point scoring (probably wrong choice of words), but you wanted it to be perfect. Why? Father's day is about children showing their love to their dad, not their SM or mum acting on their behalf to do so.

Listen to your OH. He wanted a peaceful loving day with his children and as said before, probably didn't care one bit about the presents, yet you made it about that.

You love buying presents, but that doesn't mean that others have to love receiving them. I do totally sympathise -even if it doesn't seem so!- as I experienced the same with my OH at Christmas last year. I paid for a surprise week-end away and made a book out a craft with riddles for him to guess where we were going. I was very pleased about it and couldn't wait for him to open it. Instead of being excited with the surprise, he got stressed as he couldn't figure out the clue and started to make jokes of it that were hurtful. Not nice, however, it was my fault for not listening. I love surprises, he doesn't.

I've learnt my lesson and for his big birthday coming, he is getting no surprise party or anything, I've asked what he wanted to do and that's what it will be. Not what I would want, but it is what matters to him.

I expect your OH is similar and didn't care one bit about the presents, which if you think of it is understandable. As a mum, I myself would feel much more touched by a thoughtful drawing from my kids, then a present from either my ex or my partner.

Mmm...he is big in to presents...he always makes a list for Birthday and Christmas and sends me emails with links and has quite high expectations. I know he doesnt expect it all but I do feel pressure from him present wise. He would definitely feel very put out if he didn't get something decent. He was pretty chuffed I think that ex had spent more than normal. I was worried I hadn't got him enough anyway!

You did behave badly

From a child's point of view they will not have wanted to upset DM or DSM. I think you need to take a step back and realise how lucky the children are that they have a DM and DSM who are as thoughtful and to make sure dad has a Father's Day card and present. It wouldn't have harmed for DF to have received all the gifts.

I think you need to find a way to speak to children and apologise for acting like you did. They might have been hurt that the card and present they chose with you weren't handed over by them!

I know what you mean. It just seems so ridiculous that we can't, as adults in their lives be in the sort of situation where the kids feel they can just say 'it's okay, we've got stuff already' or 'mum always likes to do it with us' or whatever.

He would definitely feel very put out if he didn't get something decent
On father's day, from his children, knowing that it can only have been brought by someone else...mmm... I can understand birthday/Christmas to some extent, but FD doesn't make much sense.

Sounds all quite dysfunctional to me. This is about celebrating him as a dad, it shouldn't be about presents, not from his ex or you, and age appropriate from his children.

Ex shouldn't really be buying presents for your husband unless the children especially wanted to , I would say it's your role as his wife and as the children get older it's down to them. If their mum happens to be with them when they pick something that's fair enough but the fact she feels put out would suggest she hasn't accepted she's an ex even though he's still married to you , if she was just thinking about the kids she wouldn't feel it's such a big deal who facilitates buying the present as long as the DC are happy with what they've picked. I think your dh could have handled it better also tbh.

You will never win - I was told I was overstepping with christmas cards yet he didn't get one via his ex. So for FD I didn't do anything and he didn't even get to see the kids, never mind get a card, so I ran around like a nutter last minute and managed to get them aside mid week to write a card. Birthday just gone and I got card present etc for him and faces have been pulled again despite the fact that if I didn't do it he would have had nothing...

I think everything would be wrong :(