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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Fathers Day and DH - dreading the adult DSCs!

15 replies

Vegetablepatch1 · 13/06/2017 18:06

I'm dreading seeing the DSCs this Father's Day. Anyone else have this?

Last time I saw them, they came round for dinner but spent the whole time looking so bored and uninterested it was obvious they would have rather been anywhere else. They are 19 and 21. DH just fawns over them, it is embarrassing to watch how he dances around them and they just look at each other and roll their eyes. They treat him with more and more contempt and he seems to react by trying harder and harder.

As usual, I just made dinner, asked them all how they were etc, got no interest, as usual, in me, or their half brothers life. He is 14 now and knows they have no interest in him.

Most years I invited everyone around for Father's Day, made food, left them to it. This year I'm backing out and doing something small, like brunch, for me, DS and DH. I just can't bear it anymore!

OP posts:

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MyNameIsntTaken · 13/06/2017 19:56

Yes, at 19 and 21 they're old enough to put in an effort now. But still probably young enough to be in that huffy phase of life hence the eye rolls and looking bored. Some kids mature faster and can act like they really want to be there all day even if they don't, others not so much.

Do what you plan this year, sounds like a nicer day all round! If they decide to make the effort and come over without being asked over, then that's great for DH, if not, sad for him but, well, it happens.
I'd say not asking about yours and their half brothers life is pretty normal at that age though. I know some might do it, but more often than not they just don't think of it, half sibling or full sibling doesn't make a difference, if they're the type to ask they will ask.

Scoobydoobydont · 13/06/2017 19:59

I think a lot of people are like this with their parents at that age. I was, and still lived at home with mum and dad.

Then we lost dad, and I wish I had made more effort. You won't be able to tell anyone that age though.

Original poster

Vegetablepatch1 · 13/06/2017 20:48

Yes I just need to vent a little. I wonder if it's the same if it's your kids, as in, as the mother. Would it be normal for a mother to be ignored and a Dad to be dancing around his kids?

OP posts:

MyNameIsntTaken · 13/06/2017 23:33

I think lots of parents of 13-25 or so feel ignored at times, or even all the time. I know I definitely hear of it happening quite a lot. So many at that age and a bit younger, when they live with the parents full time, conversations can go like this-
Parent: How was your day
Child: fine
Parent: do anything nice?
Child: no
Just lots of one word answers and huffing and puffing then straight to their rooms for the rest of the evening.

Dad dancing round the kids could just be because they aren't always there, that happens a lot too. Loads of dads even feel bad for telling the child off if they're naughty if they don't live with him full time. It's a feeling of they're not always here so let me try to make it as nice as possible so they keep coming back. Of course that can sometimes just be a recipe for disaster. I've seen it described as Disney dad's here, and i think it's very fitting.

I think when they live with you full time, and when it's both of your children no step children it of course can be different, the whole set up is different, but many at similar ages to your step children just do their own thing.
I feel so sorry for my parents when I was that age. But like Scooby says, they can't be told!

swingofthings · 14/06/2017 05:42

Why doesn't your OH takes his three boys? He is happy to see them, you're not, so might as well do it this way and you then go and enjoy some hours for yourself?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 14/06/2017 05:58

To be honest I would try to plan a day out - something like go ape (if you can afford it) or mountain biking so even if they are rolling their eyes they are moving too fast for you to see it!! Then have picnic afterwards. I know it sounds a little Disney Dad but got to be better than sitting around being bored.

user1486334704 · 14/06/2017 15:41

Agree with others on here - nothing worse than 'forced fun' and pretence of a blended family if that's not the case. Suggest husband spends day with you and your son and goes for dinner with your stepkids if it's clear that nobody involved is enjoying the scenario or feels comfortable...

Original poster

Vegetablepatch1 · 14/06/2017 17:24

I wouldn't suggest them all doing something together with their Dad - if he really wants to do this then fine. But DS never has a good time that way. His older half brothers may not mean to, but he feels totally excluded and when he's not being ignored they boss him around. I don't like putting DS through that.

I like the suggestion above. Doing something with DH and DS - and let him do whatever he wants with older ones later in the day. The down side to it as I think DH might be a little funny that I'm not suggesting everyone, but I can't really help that.

OP posts:

Hissy · 14/06/2017 18:01

Thing is, you can't win..

Do something without the older sons and they will feel even less involved that ever.

Include them and your ds doesn't have the greatest time.

Talk to,your dh about looking out for his youngest and get them all to go out as a three.

Or... Have you and h actually asked the boys what they'd like to do?

Original poster

Vegetablepatch1 · 14/06/2017 18:24

I have a card and present chosen by my DS - and decided we'll take him out for brunch. So in that way we're not hogging him the whole day if he wants to do other stuff with his older kids.

I'm not going to ask older DSS what they want to do - they are adults now and I'm fed up of just getting indifference anyway. They can organise themselves.

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Original poster

Vegetablepatch1 · 14/06/2017 18:28

hissy I think what I have struggled with is feeling like I have to be responsible and fair and always inclusive etc etc of all children. And after many years where DSCs have made no effort back to be part of it, and include me/DS, then I can't be bothered!

It's not up to me anymore they are adults. DH can do what he wants with them, it's not to do with me really. I won't suggest to DH he looks out for younger DS as if I even suggest that the older ones can be ignoring and mean I will be opening that 'bad step mum' can of worms! He's super defensive. Can't see it. DS only tells me as he knows his Dad is totally blind to it.

OP posts:

Hissy · 15/06/2017 18:03

My love... you have a dh problem

If someone has to be told to look out for one of his sons due to the behaviour of his others.... seriously

Original poster

Vegetablepatch1 · 15/06/2017 18:24

And yet again, the adult step children are never the problem...

OP posts:

Hissy · 15/06/2017 23:15

He's the parent, he's the adult, he has to be the peacemaker.

Yes they should behave better, but they will behave exactly the way they are allowed to behave.

They can be as nonplussed with him as they like, but wtf do they think they are playing at being crappy to their little brother.

user1486334704 · 16/06/2017 07:56

The older children (adults) are plenty old enough to a) suggest/arrange something for their Dad and b) should have the emotional intelligence or even just the'plain old manners' to behave appropriately in respect of including their half sibling.

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