Don't know if I can do it anymore

[Inaminute234]

First time posting and not sure exactly what to write.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years with SD (10) and SS (8).
In a way it feels like this post is more about my relationship with BF rather than about the kids directly. I've always tried to stay away from any feelings of resentment towards the kids, though it is difficult at times.
I just feel scared now that thoughts and dreams I used to have with BF, getting married and having kids etc, now make me feel suffocated and scared. I don't want our future life to be like our life now, but feel that in the last week or so I've suddenly had my perspective jolted and realise that it wouldn't ever actually change.
Recently I've been constantly thinking about what life would be like outwith the relationship.
I feel sad that I don't feel I can speak to him about it as he tends to just get angry and not really understand.
I have problems with anxiety and worry and this just doesn't help, I feel like a ghost in my own life.
I also don't want to be feeling that the grass is greener, there is good and bad in everything. However I worry that for quite a while now I've been writing it all off as my own feelings of depression and worry rather than the possibility that I'm genuinely unhappy.
I guess any experiences of others would be really helpful, whether you stayed and got through these kinds of feelings or left, either for better or worse?

I am feeling the same too :( SC has made me question if I actually want any of my own :( I have just made the decision to stop living with my DP and move out

It's tough, I feel the same although I have a decent relationship with SD and SS I feel overwhelmed at the thought of having children with BF or marriage etc. I don't know if I want that life anymore.
Sending you strength and hope that it resolves happily for you :)

I really feel for you OP, but I think you've answered your own question! Life with SC can and sometimes does improve, as they get older....but it can also get worse.
You need to ask yourself, where do you want your life to be in 5, 10 years. If it's definately not where you are now, then you need to rethink your relationship!

It's so hard as I actually like my (almost)SC but I just find them being around really hard, and dealing with their mum even harder. I cannot relax when they are here as she just pops round and lets herself in, even when DP isn't here :( And I struggle to bite my tongue :( Last time she accused me of trying to be their mother and demanded an apology from me. I had to give it as much as I wanted to tell her to stick it as she threatened that she would stop him seeing me as long as I was there.

She's got her way though as I am moving out - can't cope with it any more :(

Do you want marriage and kids still but just not with your BF? Or are you questioning whether you want those things at all?

In what ways do you want your future life to be different to your current life?

To be honest some days I wish I had never got involved with someone who has children. It is been the hardest thing I have ever done and that is not because of my DSC, but because of the conflict it has caused between me and DH over the years and the limitations it has put on my life. I think I would have pursued more exciting career opportunities if I had been free to move around with DH but we stayed very close to his DC, which is understandable but it has been hard. Life is easier now my DSC are grown up but that feeling of walking on eggshells never completely goes away.

OP that doesn't sound good. Trust your instincts, it is hard with all the extra work and emotional stuff that comes with step children. If you are young enough to find someone without kids then I'd go for it, it will be a much easier life.

Steppingtoes - that's just what seems to happen. You shouldn't have had to apologise that girl has too much power. Any other child with parents who have not separated can't pull the emotional blackmail of withholding their time. In fact I'm appauled that any child is let do that. Poor you I don't blame you for leaving, probably the best thing you'll ever do.

I empathise, OP. You do know that it'll be hard for you in future, in this relationship. It might all come good. It might not.

Years ago, I ended a relationship with a man who had a child (he hadn't mentioned her for the first 6 months of our time together and said that like me, he had no children). At the time I was very sure I didn't want kids of my own (never mind stepchildren). So, the relationship ended. His daughter was lovely....it wasn't about her, as such. Then, I met a man with three children and there was no question in my mind, I WANTED to marry him. My point is, go with what you're feeling. You're usually right!

Going through this at the moment, marriage on the rocks.

DH ex did some horrific things I'm still not over (2 years ago). I am always anxious when SS is here as whislt he is a nice enough child he could tell his mum something me and DH do that is normal eg banter and she will flip out.

The issue in my situation is a vindictive bitter ex wife and a weak husband.

SS has done nothing but because of his ex me and SS lost what was a really close bond.

Me and DH have our own DD now so even defending under "trying to protect my son" - he's got two to worry about.

Stepping on toes you are going through exactly what I'm going through. Leaving does not mean she has won and you lost. The biggest losers are her children and they will suffer because of the ex. If I leave my DH because of his ex constantly asking for favours and disregard to our life then me and DD will be happy, DD will still see her dad, not see us at mercy of his ex. My SS will no doubt be weaponised again with future gfs, DH will still be weak. SS will be the biggest victim. Happiness is much more important.

Forgot to add my DH is just as culpable by letting his ex do whatever the hell she wants to save his own skin at all our expenses. I told him he needs to do teh ebst for his children.

PippaFawcett I totally understand you. It can be difficult. We don't have any issues with my partner's ex, it is quite amicable. But it's still not easy, I sometimes feel like I'm being judged, and I don't always know what the right thing to do is, scared I'll make a mistake :(

The last time I was on a step parenting thread, it turned nasty so I'm hoping this doesn't happen on here.
I have 2 SC and if I had a time machine I would go back and never have got involved with my DP.
I did fall in love and still love him now (we have a DD ) BUT the children and their narcissistic manipulative mother are a nightmare.
IMO the mother has serious mental health issues such as munchausens syndrome . She's ALWAYS saying her kids are ill & keeping them off school . They both have lots of issues which would take me hours to type .
Also she pretends to be friends with my DP (to manipulate him ) phoning him all the time etc .
The SC have always ruled both parents , my ways of parenting being very different. If I say a word about anything involving DP kids he is on the defence and will fall out with me .
I dread them being teens as they are so like their mother and my DP really buys into the guilt she puts on him and is teaching her kids to also ....