Your coping mechanisms

[Littlepiggybrown]

I have one dc, my partner has 2 and together we have a baby. I get on well with my dsc but I'm really struggling to cope with the extra responsibility that has been 'thrust' upon me as their step parent (the extra childcare, cooking, cleaning and general household things). As the female I'm typically the one that does everything.

Having the responsibility for 4 children who are close in age (apart from baby) is truly exhausting me.

My oh works long hours and is away a lot. It's just so much hard work. I feel that at times the things I do/responsibility for my dsc is far beyond that I even do for my own dc. All the extra bits are taking away time from with my own dc.

I feel like my head is only a milimeter above water. My oh is exhausted from work and I know he works hard, but I feel that the 'burden' for his children (which is a horrible word, so I apologise) is all on my shoulders. Today he's gone off to enjoy time with his dc and I'm left at home with our baby (my dd is at her dads) doing all the household things.

How do you cope?? How can I make life easier?

Why is he expecting you to do anything for his children? My DP rarely expects me to do anything for his children, unless I volunteer. He did at first but I insisted it was his contact time with his children so he needed to be a father to them.

When we first got together I think he thought I would naturally slot into a parental role but that isn't something I want. I am happy to do things with/for the children but not at the expense of my own life.

I'm no monster - I was up 3 times with his 6yo last night, until 1:40, when I had to be at work for 6am, as he was having night terrors and calling out for me. he got up too, didn't just leave it all to me but his 6yo wanted me that night

I want to be a good step mum, but I am getting to the stage where I'm fed up that my life has become like this.

my oh will arrange to work some evenings or Saturdays and it's me that has to look after his dc. I want us to be a really great family, but at the same time I feel I'm suffocating because of having this extra responsibility which without sounding rude isn't mine.

My oh doesn't have family support and we can't afford for the childcare during holidays etc. Whereas I have family support for my dc hence why it's me.

My oh helps on the odd occasion and also feels like he's drowning, but not from the kids, from work.

I feel like I have no life at all as I don't have time.

Yesterday my dss peed everywhere. And I mean everywhere. He is old enough to not do this btw, he's not a toddler! I had to cancel all my plans to steam clean the furniture etc so that it was ready for when everyone got home. My oh got home and was then unhappy that I'd washed some things and not one of the things that had wee on (it wouldn't fit in the machine). I actually need early cried.

My life is all about kids and the needs of everyone in the family, but not mine. I get hardly any time with my dd and it's killing me that I don't.

Your husband has chosen to have three children and now needs to parent them. Why isn't he taking the three of them off so you get some time with your dd?

Has his job suddenly got lots more demanding?

You should start as you mean to go on. Let him parent his kids and take a very back seat.

I had this too, when the baby was little suddenly being 'at home' seemed to be 'at home with step children too' a lot more than usual. It felt horrible to be the one to say, hold on a minute, as there is the mean tag we get for 'rejecting the step children'.

I had to turn it into - why are YOU not seeing your children as much? (Or their mother for that matter). I firmly said, they need you, not me, it's not fair on them to have just me so much. I then said how much I was prepared to do, and refused everything else. Caused ructions. But it's true - poor kids suddenly strapped with step parent how are they going to feel - it's not on really.

Not attacking op, but if he's not there all the time why do his kids live with you and not their mum? I only ask this because if you were to leave then you couldn't have them full time? He needs to take responsibility for his kids. You shouldn't feel like this!

Being a woman doesn't make you the default cook, cleaner, nanny OP. Who gave you that idea?!

I love my DSC to bits and work my arse off to give them and us a great life. I don't have any of my own so the children in this house are my DHs and the work of the house is much much more than it would be for me if it was just the two of us. But it's my choice and when they're at their mums or asleep I prefer we spend our time together replaxing, not with DH alone clearing up their considerable mess or doing their laundry so these tasks are shared, whether they're here or not.

There are some meals they like that I always cook and I sometimes get up with them and we do DH breakfast in bed. However, DH has NO expectations at all and he's well aware they're his children and anything and everything I do is done willingly and as a bonus.

In the early days I definitely tried too hard and would make myself do things with them because I thought I should even when I was exhausted and would rather have been in bed reading a book or out with a friend. But looking back this was all on me and my efforts to be superstepmum.

Before we got together DH did everything for them. He's their dad. It's his job! He'd still happily do everything but I chose to be with him knowing his children would be a big part of my life, my time, my home, and I invest a lot in them and our little family. Yes, it's sometimes exhausting, no, it's not how I imagined my life, but I've found a good balance of pitching in and stepping back. Sometimes I spend hours playing shops, painting nails, baking, crafting, getting up far too early, bandaging knees, reading the same book over and over. Sometimes though when I've had a long week at work and need a bit of down time when one of them asks to do something with me I say yes but not for a few hours as I'm tired/am having a soak, am popping out, and they have some time with their dad. They're not disappointed or hurt. They know I love them and am there for them, but they have their dad and we all get to do things we want to when we need to.

I'd love DC of my own and hope it'll happen for us, but for now I don't and I get the benefits of opting for child free time, sometimes, even on the weekends!

It sounds like your OH is opting out and failing you all really badly. It's not bloody good enough.

His children, all of them, are his responsibility. Your two are yours. How would he cope if he didn't have you to do everything for your DSC?

My DHs life as a dad is a lot easier with me around as an extra pair of hands. We make sure he has time with them alone which we all enjoy and gives me time with the other. We have two incomes, two sets of ears and hands and we all get along well. But he'd be fine, with them, without me. He was doing pretty bloody well before!

Don't let him pretend you're "rejecting" his DC by not doing everything for them and choosing to spend time focussing on your own. If you're as shattered and wiped out as you sound you won't be much good to anyone if this carries on much longer. If he's choosing to work on nights when he has them and not asking if you're happy being on sole duty then that can stop for a start. Again, what would he do if he wasn't in a relationship?

You should be a bonus, not the only parent to his DC when they're in your home.

Have you tried to talk to your DH about this, really talk and tell him how downtrodden you are feeling? You sound close to breaking point, and with good reason. I couldn't do what you do, if I don't get any time for myself I start to go a bit mad and get seriously unhappy.

Some obvious questions:

• is the children's mother not around at all to look after them more when your DH isnt there ?

• Can your DH look for a job with better working hours? Or at the very least not agree to extra evenings/weekends?

• Do you work or are you SAHM? Can your DH agree to do more in the evenings and at weekends with all the children or at least his three to give you some recovery time?

Thing I said my oh doesn't see what I do as a bonus for his dc, he sees it as my role.

He goes out and enjoys time with them whilst I have to cook all
Of their dinner, wash all their clothes etc whilst still having to occupy my dd so I can get stuff done.

His dc are really great but kids but they are hard work in many ways, that I take for granted with my own dd. Their toileting habits are awful. I'll tell my oh that dss1 has left poo on the floor/toilet seat/his pants etc, and he just says, "oh he's a boy, what do you expect". He's 6. It's then left to me to sort. Every time his other ds goes to the toilet he sprays wee all over the place and, again it's me to clean. his dc are incredibly messy eaters too. They also get through many outfits a day (oh changes them) as they can't stay clean. I just can't keep on top of cleaning up/tidying up after them. My oh just says "oh I'll do it later or when I have time" then he may sit on his phone texting mates!

We have his dc a lot each week and that's fine, I have no issue with that. The issue is that it's me that has the burden of them being here, so he gets all the fun times.

In RL I have a couple of friends I've confided in and their responses are "embrace jt" "what do you expect if you get in a relationship with someone with kids".

I'm due back at work soon from maternity and I'm getting panic attacks about how I'm going to cope.

He works from 7-6.30 most days and then usually a Saturday morning. Thing is it doesn't matter how many hours he works, he gets the same pay (and without sounding rude, by the time you split the salary by the hours worked, it's appalling and way below minimum wage). But it's what he's always wanted to do.

Bollocks you have to embrace it Those "friends" clearly don't have a clue how hard it is and that's incredibly unfair and unhelpful.

I know it's hard, but have you thought about what being with him brings you, your life and your children that's positive and helpful and makes you happy?

You sound so down my heart goes out to you but you also sound completely resigned because you think there's no way for it to change. You need a break! Could you go and stay with a friend or relative with your two for a weekend? Has your OH ever had a weekend looking after his DC? It's not a long term solution but might give him an idea just how much work is involved and gives you some time with your DC.

Because he's being so selfish it's difficult to see how you can pull back a bit without it being the DC who suffer not him. I'd be tempted to go on strike for a bit. Stop doing his washing and only cook for you and the DC. Make plans so he can't work at the weekends when the DSC are there if there's no extra income from it. What the fuck is he playing at?!

Have you asked him how he's going to do more when you're back at work?

I'd definitely be making a list today, just for yourself, of how life is now and how it would be different if you were on your own. I know you don't want to break up your baby's family and have more changes for your DD. But life without your ungrateful spoiled man child of a DP and the incessant work of his DC might look pretty rosy.

I did everything for my DSC and I completely regret it. I resented it and it didn't do me any favours with them or DH. I gave far more of myself than I should have done and I wish I had taken more of an auntie type role; interested but more removed.

His children have bad habits because he didn't parent them before you came along by the sound of it.

For the sake of your children and yourself I would not be embracing any of this, you are worth so much more.

Being a woman doesn't make you the default cook, cleaner, nanny OP. Who gave you that idea?!

You would be surprised how many women have all the work put on to them!

Can you not start to be 'out' a bit more with your children e.g to family and friends when his children are due. Or simply agree they come round when he's about more?

I expect your OH sees it that you are at home, so he brings in the money going to work and you do the work at home, which is not totally unreasonable.

However, you say that you will be going back to work soon. Is that FT or PT? If FT, that EVERYHING should be shared 50/50. If PT, than maybe 1/3rd or something like that. You need to start planning now how you will divide the roles. If you don't bring it up, he will assume that it is all a piece of cake for you and continue as currently.

Talk to him, explain that it's been quite hard work to take on the responsibility for his children and that clearly this won't be able to continue when you are back at work. Agree what you are happy to do all the time and what he will do all the time (ie. he does all the gardening, you do all the dusting), and then divide the tasks you're not as keen, ie. you cook 4 days he cooks 3, you do the washing one week, he does the next etc...

Be sure to agree for some free time for each and make the best of this time. Whatever you do, don't build resentment because you think he's got a better deal than you. If that's the case, talk to him (in a kind and calm way) and rearrange your responsibilities. Resentment is what kills marriages and/or build very poor relationships with SCs.

I have to say id be seriously thinking skit leaving him. Go out with the baby when he takes his kids out. If you're not at home you can't do the housework. Even very small children should be cleaning up after themselves. The only way i made my dss take care when going to the toilet was by asking him to clean up his own mess. Nobody else seemed that bothered but it was always me who was wiping up after him. Your dp sou ds like he's working to get out of looking after his kids. If he's not there they should be with their mother.