Step children - always blameless? Is it always Step Parents fault?

[Electionfatigue2]

I've read these boards - lurking - for a few weeks. I have two DSCs - a boy and girl aged 12 and 14. I married my DH 4 years ago. Whilst my DSS is fine, he accepts us and was excited when me and DH had a child, DSD has always resented me.

She's 14 now and I want to just have a good talk with her. I want to let her know that her resentment of me is affecting the whole household and that she needs to change her attitude.

I've noticed on these boards that the general advice is that the step children are not to blame and the step parent either did something wrong or is not trying hard enough, or is 'over stepping the line'.

I think I am a fairly OK step parent to both my DSCs. I've never had a go at them. I have always tried to be mindful of how they are feeling. I get it, it's tough having your parents divorce. It's tough seeing a new baby. It's tough sharing your Dad. I get it!

I've been through it myself with my own parents. But surely, at some point, you've got to get over yourself. My DSD is given so much attention, pandered to etc by me and DH but it's getting too much. A future with a glaring teenager is just not going to work.

A good counsellor won't label anyone a trouble maker. It'll be about exploring emotions and learning to listen to each other. I think that's a much better way forward than you having the chat with her in your 3rd paragraph from 21.04: of you say that she will hear that you think she's mean and a bully.
And, honestly, your comparison to a school situation isn't accurate because school friends have equal power. It's more like when a pupil is rude to a teacher - totally wrong still, of course. But the teacher has more power than the pupil and is expected to deal with it differently.

Can you give some examples of the ways she behaves towards you? It might help with offering suggestions.
Also, does she get time with her father without you there? I'd encourage lots of that, if not. My 14YO really needs that with me. She loves her stepfather and siblings, but if she doesn't get 1:1 time with me it definitely affects her behaviour.

I don't think you dislike her at all

People say being a mum is the hardest job but I think it's being a step mum.

You're asking advice on here because you do like her or at least want the relationship to work.

Hi again OP. I can hear you, but I actually do think that the others have a point when they say 'don't go to her on your own'. She will divide and conquer; she will make up stories to her dad, her dad will be annoyed that you have tried to parent her directly, and you will end up getting the blame for everything from both of them. Horrible.

Instead I do think you have to have it out with your OP and get him to grow some about this situation. Make it clear to him that you will not be treated poorly in your own home, you are quite happy to help him sort it out, and you believe you should do it together, but he has to lead and start parenting his daughter more strongly. If you tackle her together, positively, then she has to respond and come around eventually - there is nowhere for her to hide.

Make sure your own behaviour towards her is relentlessly impeccable!! It's really tough, when she is making you feel so crappy, but it will be easier like this in the long run - try to rise above it.

If he refuses, then try family counselling.
Just my penn'orth... good luck and best wishes!

I don't think apportioning blame is ever helpful. There are lots of different feelings getting in the way and you need to find a way through. Telling someone their attitude needs to change is never going to help.

But surely, at some point, you've got to get over yourself.
Why should she? What's in it for her?

A future with a glaring teenager is just not going to work.
And how is that her problem? She never asked for any of this.

I'm sure you have tried, and I'm sure she is difficult, because she has found this situation difficult and she doesn't have the emotional maturity to handle things better. She's also a teenager with a whole load of other stuff to deal with as well.
It doesn't sound like her dad is helping the situation very much.
The blame doesn't need to be put anywhere, but you need to work together to make the best out if the situation.

Do you not see that her behaviour is a direct result of DH's shit parenting? But you expect her to change and not him?

she's old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.

I suggest you talk to her with your dh otherwise she will make up stories for effect.

Call her bluff if she uses not visiting as a threat.
What does her mother have to say about her behaviour and attitude?
Or is her mother a shit parent?

silent passive aggressive staring and igoring - something which is advocated so often on the stepparent web site.

Step back, do not get involved, leave them to it - when I see that suggested it really makes my blood boil. It is horrible OP - I totally agree,y children experienced this from their SM - it is damaging.

I would suggest, you suggest to your DH that she needs to see a counsellor, someone independent from all of you, to allow her to learn how to live with her feelings and emotions.

I may be reading something into it, but it seems like there are some very specific triggers been set for her to dislike you so much. You want to make your conversation all about you - how she is making you feel, how she is making you feel bad - wrong approach, you are playing the victim and she is not going to get that and you making her feel bad is gong to make it worse.

External help required

I really do hope some SMs take note of a fellow SM telling us how bad it feels to be ignored, sidelined and receive passive aggression - when they advocate doing it.

I had this with my DSD! I got with her dad and we have a baby, she hated me... but in fact she didn't hate me her mum hated me and so she thought she had to aswell to keep her mum happy. I never played up to anything, she would hate that I basically didn't give a shit in the end and over time she got over it. I'd just leave her to it, don't over think it or let it get to you. I think as she gets older she will understand that people move on.

her resentment is probably caused by her own mother not 'allowing' her to have a good relationship with you

Where in that first post has the OP said there is an issue with the child's mother?

You don't think that the majority of women are capable of recognising it is better for their child to get on with their step parent, no matter what their personal feelings may be?

You don't think it's possible a child simply doesn't like the step parent, the situation, the coming and going between two houses?

What I don't get is that non step teens have poor behaviour and that's accepted as part and parcel of teenagers. But step teens? Nah, just wicked little madams who are out to oust the step mum.

However I have a growing discomfort as I see and watch her grow into a person that is now, in my eyes, being quite mean and cruel to me and dismissive of her fathers happiness and her siblings

What teenager do you know that cares about their parents happiness?! There won't be many of them. New siblings aren't her choice - but are living proof dad has sex. Ewww! I wouldn't rock the boat, OP. She probably knows she's being a cow but doesn't really care enough to stop it. She will grow out of it, Until the , detach.

Thanks for all of the advice, it has giving me a lot of food for thought. It has also clarified my own thinking.

I guess I'm on these boards as I've tried the rising above it, tried the serious talks with my DH.

I haven't tried family counseling - I would be in favour I just wondered whether it might be a bit brutal for DSD having us all there essentially because of her. I would try this. I need to speak to DH again, he isn't a crap parent, but he is increasingly scared of losing his daughter I think. She's learnt too early the power she can have - not sure that's a safe feeling for a child in the long run.

I do want her to know how I feel. Perhaps the teacher / pupil example is better - I did say that to DH last year - said that if I was a teacher I could and should expect a level of cooperation. He seemed to get that.

Her actual behaviour towards me is ignoring me - not saying Hello but saying hello to her Dad, ignoring me if I'm in the room, being quite cutting if I say anything, also challenging me fairly constantly about my parenting decisions of younger child - and wanting to take over and getting quite angry - it's a little strange that one and unexpected - DH has even had to say quite clearly a few times 'You are not her parent'. I hesitate to say but I feel she's jostling with me for role of woman in charge. I tried a lot of different things, like being lighthearted and saying 'Hey, hello, how was your day?' But they never changed things.

I do get that teenagers are moody, and I get that she never asked for this. Yet isn't this like any child, they never asked to be born but got their parents, siblings, where they lived, education, step parents - all of this outside their control. Except a parent will and should expect a level of cooperation at any age.

The young daughter has already started to openly ask why DSD does not speak to me but to her Dad, and why I let DSD not do stuff when I tell her that rules are rules and she has to follow them. It's creating resentment amongst the siblings already. Sigh... I don't want to put an ultimatum to DH but perhaps it will never work if DSD can go running to him.

needsahalo - one of the reasons I feel this is different than a teen - is that DSD is particularly ignoring of me. Don't get me wrong, she is a bit of a moody teenager, that's normal, I would roll with that. However she treats me with a resentment that is not there with anyone else. I'm not going to just bite my tongue anymore - I do feel that DH and her mother have indulged her - however she is old enough in my view to see that there are consequences to her actions. If she doesn't care, that's not a good thing for her or her relationships, her future happiness or ours.

She might not feel you are all there, in counselling, because of her but because of you.

I don't mean that in a horrible way it's from her point of view!

"A future with a glaring teenager is just not going to work."

Im sorry, but I dont agree with posters who say this isnt normal. Yes it is! Dear lordy, if I had a £5 for evry time my mother sat there and said, "are you going to let her speak/look at you like that!" we would have cleared our mortgage. Ill tell you what I told my mother.

If you want to go toe to toe with a teenager, be my guest. Theres one upstairs who will happily go toe to toe 24/7 (and believe me, their stamina will out last yours by a long shot) I will pick my battles, and a sulky face, or resentful room tidying isnt one of them. If the rooms a shit hole, I close the door and intend coming back to clear up when theyre 18. Yes the 'step' situation adds an extra dimension, but stop looking at that as the reason/excuse.

Fine, if you want to have the sorts of discussions along the lines of "Doris, when you do that, it makes me feel like this" or "I do understand more than you know, but we both have to muddle along here, what can I do differently that will help you? I do care about you"
Personally, I ascribe to the, youre the adult, shes the child, its on you to swallow all this resentment and turn the other cheek. But it sounds OP, that you simply want to go toe to toe with her. Good luck with that one.

I've not really got much to offer to the thread but could you rephrase things to avoid her being able to ignore you?

I tried a lot of different things, like being lighthearted and saying 'Hey, hello, how was your day?'

Maybe instead a 'Hello, I hope you've had a nice day'. Would show her you are being nice, but not give her the option to directly ignore your question. I read it somewhere in one of he books recommended on here - direct questions can make kids clam up. My DSD can't even answer 'Would you prefer burger and sausage?'. Yet if I word it 'I'm cooking burgers for tea tonight, it will be ready in half an hour' sometimes she will say 'Could we have sausages tomorrow please?'. I know they say give them a choice but some kids seem to prefer not to have to make any decisions or answer questions - it seems like pressure to them...

TL;DR - don't ask her how her day was, say you hope she had a nice day.

I had years of being ignored by SD. I met her when she was 8. She ignored me , stuck her nose in the air if I spoke , told my DH terrible lies about what I was supposed to have said and done.
When she was about 15 I told her she didn't have to like me , I didn't care what she thought about me. But if she was in our house I expected some basic manners.
After that I treated her politely and distantly. Things became bearable from that point on. She is now an adult and we have a reasonable relationship .

User you give me hope! This is want I want! When she was about 15 I told her she didn't have to like me , I didn't care what she thought about me. But if she was in our house I expected some basic manners. After that I treated her politely and distantly. Things became bearable from that point on. She is now an adult and we have a reasonable relationship

Carolines - I do understand, but this is much more than a 'little extra moodiness' and just usual teenage behaviour towards me. It is a very obvious and consistent resentment of me, to the point that my young daughter is getting cross about it too. My DSS is not perfect, he slams doors, all over the place, but he does not manipulate on a grand scale.

Merry - yes you could be right, I would actually welcome a third party being involved like a counsellor if it would help and am willing to adjust my way of being around her if that is what would help as long as I do get treated by her like I am a human being too.

UPdate - I had a quick chat with DSD today and she hasn't run out of the house!

I just said, can I have a quick word, and got DH to come with me too. I was actually very nervous and weirdly I was the one to be a bit tearful. She was quite stoney faced up until that point, but when she saw that I could be hurt, that I was someone who was really trying, she changed a bit.

I didn't do a big lecture, just wanted to say that it would be good to try and make things better. And that we had a lot of future weekends together and why not try and have a fresh start. I said that I totally understood that she might not welcome me into her life, that it was difficult adjusting to a new baby, but that in no way was anyone trying to replace her and I certainly didn't want to replace her mother. I said that I needed her to meet me and her Dad in the middle by being a little more considerate of me and accepting house rules.

I think having us both there helped as she kept looking at her Dad, but he just said the same. She did start off by saying that she didn't have to do anything and that her Mum didn't like me either. I said that's a shame but that it was OK neither have to like me. However I'm not going away. She ended up saying sorry for a couple of recent incidents, totally unprompted. I feel hopeful for the firs time in years!

I know it isn't 'sorted' but it feels so much better, like the pressure that has been building around the house has been released. I know that this just the start but it is now out in the open which feels 100 times healthier.

Very glad to hear the approach you took which is directly contrast with what you were proposing to do in your first post.

Instead of asking her to change her ways, you made it as a joint venture and all working together to make things better, whilst showing that you cared. No surprise she responded positively (when it is more than likely that she wouldn't have if you'd gone with the first approach).

Well done OP - really hope it's the start of things levelling off for you. It's interesting that her mum has been telling her she doesn't like you - that's a big burden for a 14 year old to carry & the mum is way out of line there. I can only imagine the stress & pressure my kids would have felt if I'd told them I didn't like their dads Dp - that's a very unfair thing to do. Their dads Dp is never someone I'd naturally be friends with but she is good & kind to the kids & that's what matters.

Great update OP, really pleased for you. It might be one step forwards, two backwards for a bit, but you know she CAN be reasonable and apologising shows she knows she's behaved badly and hurtfully and can hopefully choose not to in future. Well done.

Teenagers don't always realise the hurt they are causing and if no one tells them how should they know? If her mum is validating her dislike she is only acting in an 'approved' way.
When people explain the impact of certain behaviours teenagers can be distressed and feel guilty. You just need to communicate in a blame free way.

Well done OP.

It's good thanks for any advice. Although really I do think if you had a DSD who is just not going to care, there is very little you can do. I have been lucky that there seems to be the glimmer of care.

I don't think the collaborative approach was the key, and I don't think I ever said I was going to dictate! I wanted to tell her how it made me feel. She wasn't prepared to listen to anything or talk until I became clearly upset. That seemed to the turning point. Hope it's not temporary.

Thats excellent OP, so pleased there been a slight break in the impasse. Any conversation that goes "when you do xyz, it makes me feel ...." is an excellent conversation, irrespective of who/age/relationship. Hope you keep moving forwards. What a positive update

Thank you Carolines.

I think this thread helped as I had to mentally 'punch through' this notion that I, as step mother, didn't deserve to have or show feelings. That I had to suck it up. That is must be all my fault anyway. That I had take any crap because I had married someone who already had kids so was already in the wrong. But it's OK I am human too and perhaps my DSD might even one day get something positive from me being in her life. I hope!