Dsd is 13 I've been with dh for considerable years since dsd was small (not other woman was an amicable split, also have no idea why I need to share this) have a good relationship with dh ex gf no problems with her, her partner or them with us. We share a 50/50 split and live close to each other.
A few nights ago dsd comes out of the bathroom after her shower before bed and shouts down to me not dh 'can you wash these for tomorrow?' She throws down the stairs 1 bra and a pair of pants. No idea why she wants those particular ones washing asap as she has several identical items in her drawers and wasn't time of the month.
Anyway, I had finished all the laundry so there really was just her 2 things for the wash so I explained I wasn't going to put the washing machine on for just those 2 bits.
She started shouting at me 'I want them washing for tomorrow' I said no. She then says 'whatever I want them washing BY TOMORROW'
I don't shout at dsd I don't feel it's my place and I 99% of the time step back at let dh sort stuff out - unless she's directly rude to me, which in this instance she was. I said to her 'how dare you speak like that, demanding I do your laundry' she replied 'I haven't done anything wrong'
Dh steps in at this point and tells her she was rude and disrespectful she again starts saying she's done nothing wrong and wasn't rude and there's nothing I can do about it. Dh asks her to go to her room and she refuses, dh tells her to go to her room and again she refuses saying 'you can't make me'
Consequently he tells her that she is no longer having her friend over the following day and she went postal. Shouting and screaming saying he wasn't listening that she's done nothing wrong that I was rude (I hadn't shouted at her!) and I am the disrespectful one, eventually goes to her room slams her door.
Dh and I are talking neither of us particularly happy but no raised voices, dsd opens the door and shouts down 'why don't you just shut up' and slams the door again.
Her yelling and screaming has gone on for an hour and, even when we ignore her she is relentless in her barrage of abuse. We get a few weeks of her being ok no major outbursts then she gets like this and each time she gets ruder and ruder towards me.
She refuses to do anything she's asked and she always has to have the last word she goes on and on and on. I don't know what to do, dh doesn't know what to do turning off the wifi, removing phone/iPad, no friends over nothing has an effect. If we ignore her when she's shouting she shouts louder she follows you around shouting and I'm so fed up. We're all fed up.
Dsd will text her mum who then texts dh who then calls her and they discuss whatever and both come to the same conclusion. They are on the same page which is great but we are all at a total loss of how to handle these situations.
Any advice as a parent or step parent who's dealt with similar?