Do you help your DSC with Father's Day, birthdays etc?

[Beachturtle]

Just wondering what others do. DSC are old enough to remember Father's Day and their dad's bday for themselves, but don't.

As an example, last year they were due to be with us on DH's bday, I texted both 10 days before asking if they needed any help with thinking of something to get him or with actually getting it. "No thanks" came the reply. They arrived for the weekend and hadn't done anything! Cue me racing around with them last minute to get something sorted. I hate the idea of DH not receiving anything from his kids on Fathers Day but really not sure if it's up to me to remind / facilitate, especially when anything proactive from me is rejected. To be clear, I mean a card or little present, or something homemade, not that they should be spending a ton of cash.

Yes I help DSD get organised for her Dad's birthday or Fathers Day, we usually make a little shopping trip of it, but she's only 4 and not old enough to do it all herself
I guess it just depends on their ages? I know you said they're old enough to remember, are they old enough to take themselves to a shop? Or to think of something that he might like? It's a fine line I think! If they're genuinely old enough to organise something themselves then I guess they should be left to do that. I've always organised my own parents gifts since I was old enough to go to town on my own, around the age of 11/12. I know a lot of people may say to help them so your partner doesn't miss out but at the same time you risk having to think for them every birthday and Father's Day even as they get older, if they aren't thoughtful enough to want to do something nice for him themselves?

They are early- and mid-teens and have access to shops (both) and online shopping with own money (older one).

As you have done OP, I used to give a gentle 'nudge' a week or so before, eldest used to take the lead and get something (I usually gave them £10 etc). They refused to shop with me.
Then they used to take the money and 'forget' to buy anything - even a card.

Now the eldest is 16 and there hasn't been a card or present for the last year or so. Even when I purchased a card and left it for them to write in I later found it tucked under the mattress when they had left.

Our scenario is extreme.... intense PAS and police involvement as their Mum has done some terrible things to DH and I. (I am not the OW and we've been together six years. She left him for someone else).

Feel for my husband on Father's Day but never point out how he is treated, he knows and it would only make him feel worse.

In that case I would do as user does and give them a nudge. IMO if they choose not to buy something (even just a card) then that's their choice.
When my DSD is older I'll happily still remind her/offer her some money, but I'd expect her to contribute i.e think of something she'd like to get him/come to the shop with me to get it. I think it's important for children to learn that they need to be thoughtful and take some responsibility for things like that.

Thanks, seems like a good plan. It's so hard to know if I should do something but look liken interfering or do nothing and risk DH being ignored. But there has to come a point where they get on with it for themselves!

Yes. From the second dp and I got together their mum has refused, she sees it as my job now.

Unfortunately her dp doesn't feel the same so she now gets nothing from the kids.

My DSD's Mum will help her buy something and I include DSD in whatever our DC and I arrange too. It's usually handmade cards / breakfast in bed / a homemade cake in our home. I think DH would be more pissed off (with me) if I didn't help her to do something than her not do anything of her own accord tbh.

No but that's because there is so little contact between DSD and us. She didn't even call dp on his birthday this year. Hasn't sent a father's day card for two years.

She's 14.

mycats That's like my DPs daughters. I used to remind them/get a card for them and gradually tailed it off as they are now 18 to 21 (three of them). Now only one buys a card, from her. The rest do show up as I invite them to the house, but just sit there tbh.

I decided not to remind them at all for DPs birthday last year. He didn't get anything, not even a text.

Mine desperately want to get DH star wars pants, as they'd sold out everywhere at Christmas and instead they chose some god awful socks, so I'be just ordered them

They wanted to give him a card with photos so I got a moon pig one done and they've written it. They'll wrap the present. With the present, yes of course I'm paying for it, but they chose it, it's from them so I'm not telling them what to get. Over the years we've each had some bizarre gifts from them, it's awesome.

Their DM hasn't ever bothered since they split and then they were much too young to do anything for him themselves. For a couple of years they made cards at school I think.

I like doing it with them, it's a lovely way of bonding, same for his birthday and Christmas. I've booked a day out locally and we'll do cards and pants present in the morning. We might bake him something the day before.

I don't count my chickens in terms of the relationships with them and I feel very lucky things are as good as they are. When I have days when they're driving me up the wall I find focussing on doing something with them, for their Dad, helps. Not sure why.

I'm struggling with this at the mo - ex didn't do anything with the kids for christmas, not even a card. When I made one with them however I was told by her that I had overstepped :( I've sent her a message asking what normally happens for fathers' day and she hasn't even replied :( Whatever I do is going to be wrong - his mum has suggested I do one anyway and has said she will support me if there is any fallout as at least then his kids will get to give him a card and a token present.

Father's Day is about your DP/DH and the DC, it's nothing to do with her at all... Likewisr Christmas and his birthday actually! You helping the children to show appreciation and love to their father is lovely and is helping their relationship, it's entirely between the family in YOUR home, nothing to do with her. Especially if she's not willing to help them. Where does she get off?

If the children and their father would enjoy you helping them do something nice for him then be led by that and that alone. Bought card, homemade card, nice cake, small gift, breakfast in bed. Doesn't have to be flashy, just thoughtful.

One of the best things about my life with my DSC is the new traditions we've made in our own family unit. All sorts of daft things. But their our things. You're totally entitled to have those, it's really important.

Thanks Anne - sadly he won't see them on FD as it isn't 'his' weekend :( I'm going to try and at least have something for him to open so he can phone them and thank them. They're thoughtful kids and I think they would feel bad if they felt they hadn't done anything for him.

My DF still rings me to remind me of my aunts' and mother's birthdays. I'm 39.
(I would never forget DM. The aunts? Not a clue!)
I don't think there is anything wrong with a gentle reminder and help If needed. As long as you are prepared to do it.

Stepping, can you reschedule it? Do you have them next weekend? You could do a card for FD itself, or a call on the day, and then tell the DC when he's least expecting it the week after you'll do something special for him then!

I do think there has to come a time where you stand back. I used to get cards for my DSCs and arrange it - however this year I'm not going to be inviting them around. DH and/or DSCs can arrange everything between themselves - they are now 19 and 21 so if they don't do anything that's their call.

Also, I think because DSCs have ended up quite distant and I have my own son with DH - up until this week I would painstakingly try to make it look equal - kind of DH being equally loved by all his kids. But they are grown up enough to initiate it themselves. TBH I'm dreading it if they come around as they are so rude at the moment! On the other hand I'd be secretly cross with them if they didn't bother!

Couldn't agree more Vegetable! Shame they're so useless and won't make an effort to show their appreciation for the Dad off their own backs.

By this age, if they're not bothering, when on earth will they start? You'd still be calling to remind them in their 40s and as I'm sure they'd be happy to remind you, you're not actually their mother and shouldn't have to do the associated drudge work

I'm a bit confused by you being the one to invite them over, or not, on the day. If your DH wants to see them he can make plans.

My DSC are mid primary age and obviously need help with buying something or making a meal, but they make cards and have their own ideas. Even now, I'm not doing it for them, he's their dad, not mine!

They always make an effort, with DH, for my birthday and (step)mother's day, so it's a two way street which makes a difference.

I've told my DS that he needs to communicate with his dad's dp to see if there are arrangements for Father's Day this year. If that doesn't happen I'll facilitate him buying a present but tbh their arrangements seem to change year on year including one year where DS was told they couldn't have FD because her DD's dad wasn't there even though she and the DD went out way before breakfast so DS could have done something... so as a mum I gently remind and then await instruction iyswim.

Christmas and birthdays I will sometimes buy presents, sometimes not, depending on arrangements. However this year I did spend an entire morning buying Christmas presents for eXH's dp, her dd and their joint ds (DS' brother) on behalf of ds only for DS to be told that it would be best not to mention that I'd bought the presents (he told me what to buy, I was merely a facilitator) because it might upset her. So that'll be the last time I bother.

For the kids who don't bother, do you know if they bother with Mother's Day or is it just FD they seem to overlook? I.e. It may be purely selfish teen behaviour which still needs addressing but different to a deliberate ignoring of the day iyswim.

Yes my DSCs definitely do bother for Mother's Day. I'm not privy to why, but I think she asks for stuff and they all go out for a meal that she organises. DH has this view that celebrations aren't that important and he's very laid back.

I used to invite DSCs as DH would forget - anyway they often were at ours anyway at the weekend. So I just kind of carried on then realised I need to pull back.

Stepping, can you reschedule it?

We did this not that I agree with it, we rescheduled Christmas too rescheduled it for today (his midweek access). DM has organised afterschool activities for them so they won't get to see him sighs

Sorry to derail OP :(

That sounds incredibly complicated and hard to see why they're so inconsistent WannaBe. You've obviously made a real effort over the years, shame they can't be as nice about things, but their loss I guess.

This year, their Mum's new man got her some flowers from the DC which was nice. In the past I think she's had a meal with her parents on Mother's Day but the DC haven't wanted to do anything for her with us, and we can't make them.

For her birthday, xmas and Mother's Day DH and I have suggested they make her cards or we buy her something but they've said she never does anything for him and doesn't like anything which comes from our house, so they haven't wanted to do anything.

They're right, she's happy to keep the clothes we buy them but anything else goes straight in the bin, including anything they've baked with us and asked to take back to her. Which is definitely her loss.