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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hiding your contempt

22 replies

NC4now · 04/06/2017 23:03

NC for this.
My husband does not get on with my son. I understand, he's not an easy kid - he's 15, often rude, moody, ignores our boundaries. CAMHS have been involved but haven't been much use.

I am able to see through the hard times (not that they aren't really difficult) and enjoy some laughs and fun times with DS.
DH can't. He barely speaks to him, and when he speaks to me about him it is always to criticise or bad mouth him.
Eg tonight, we were in the kitchen, DS in bed: "He has his TV on fucking loud."
He won't go and tell him to turn it down though. That's for me to do.
We've argued so many times about it and it's not getting any better. I really do understand that DS is difficult, but I have no support from DH (or his dad).
I can handle being the only one responsible but the constant digs, comments etc are grinding me down.
It's destroying the way I feel about DH, but he would say DS is destroying us.
AIBU in thinking as the adult he ought to have a bit more respect when speaking about my son, regardless of whether he thinks he's earned it?
I'm seriously considering calling it quits, but I know DC2 would be heartbroken, as they have a lovely relationship (he's stepdad to both).
I know a lot of you have difficult relationships with SC so posting here to hear that side.
Thanks

OP posts:

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SteppingOnToes · 05/06/2017 11:33

As a step parent we are told not to get involved in discipline - that is to be left to the parents. I think it is unfair of you to expect your husband to deal with your son's bad behaviour - that is for you to do, and then he should support your decision. He shouldn't be expected to discipline your child - that will negatively affect their relationship.

Original poster

NC4now · 05/06/2017 11:39

That's a valid point, Stepping. Thing is though, it's inconsistent, as he treats my other DC as his own.
It's not really about enforcing discipline - as I said in my OP, I can handle being the only one with any responsibility, but he could try and be a bit nicer, even if he's faking it, or at the very least, not make nasty comments about him to me.
Also, he doesn't think I'm very good at discipline, as my parenting style is more of a treat your teen like a young adult than a strict parent/child dynamic, which I don't think works with a lot of teens (and certainly not this one). So I often end up altering my parenting to please DH.
Which never works. I need to stop that, don't I?

OP posts:

Lulooo · 05/06/2017 11:47

She's not asking him to get involved in disciplining her son; she's just wanting him to be civil towards him. He (stepdad) barely speaks to him and when speaking about him, it's to criticise only. Your DC are part of you and when he married you he agreed to take you all on. You can't split a parent from their child. He can't be selective in what part of your life he's taken on.

I think your DS is at a difficult age. 15 year olds are sensitive and finding their way. If he's being an arse then you need to continue to try to connect with him as a parent. Chat with him, do things with him, ask his view on things and take them on board. Make him feel loved and important. Teenage years are difficult enough. To have a stepdad whose being a moody grumpy and distant git who makes it clear to him he has no love or time for a relationship with him is going to exasperate it further.

Lulooo · 05/06/2017 11:50

Just to add, if anyone was rude and critical of my DC to the extent that it was constant and unrelenting, I'd have them out of my life. Even it was their own biological father. Growing up with that type of negativity is extremely damaging for a child. Especially as he treats the other two as his own. It makes it worse.

JamAndBread · 05/06/2017 11:52

I totally understand what you're saying OP.

The important thing to realise is (or maybe for your DP to realise), your DP is the adult. However shit your DS might be being it's up to your DP to be the adult about it. And that means: letting your DS know he's loved and safe unconditionally and setting and enforcing boundaries.

Teenage years are difficult. If they don't build a relationship now then I imagine they'll be resentful of each other for a long time. I think they have some bonding to do.

JamAndBread · 05/06/2017 11:55

To add as well: my DP had a very similar childhood to how you're describing your DS and DP. She still feels resentful and unloved by the whole situation as an adult. Sometimes she just thinks 'why did my DM choose him over me?' because that's what it felt like to her - her DM seeing that her stepdad wasn't treating her like the other DC and doing nothing about it.

ImperialBlether · 05/06/2017 12:02

I agree with Lulooo. This is a quick surefire way to mess up your son. If he can't rely on his mum for a happy home then who can he? I would keep my kids away from anyone who treated them with contempt and if someone treated one like that and not the others, we'd all stay away.

foodiefil · 05/06/2017 12:05

It's so hard. It's the other way around in our house - as in I am the step-parent with two step teens. 18yo girl has a problem with me. And I have a problem with her. Because I've felt that she's been awful to me, like a little bully. I know I need to be adult and try and bond or it'll be too late but part of me can't wait for her to go to uni 😔

Your DH will have built up feelings of resentment and some of this will be to do with lack of control. Talk to him and make him understand how it's affecting your relationship with him. I know I need to do this too. I've thought about asking to do something with just dsd. Baking or running or spa day or something. Difficult situation for everyone. I also hate thinking that she's having a hard time and acting out, don't want to be a reason she's unhappy/sad in her teen years.

Yvetteballs · 05/06/2017 12:11

The fact that the constants digs and comments are grinding you down suggests to me that you should ditch the partner. Even if your son were out of the picture, I get the impression of a man who is generally intolerant.
Your son sounds hard work but it might be better for you to cope with him without the hassle of worrying about your partners meanness.

JamAndBread · 05/06/2017 12:14

foodiefil Uni might help as you won't be in each others pockets all the time - but it's only Uni! You'll still very much be in each others family hopefully for a long long time.

I think your idea of doing something with your DSD sounds like a good first step. Persevere if she knocks you back and try not to take it badly. She'll remember all the times you wanted to do something with her whether she decides to take you up on the offers or not.

Original poster

NC4now · 05/06/2017 13:32

@Foodiefill I hear what you are saying. DH feels that DS bullies us all too, and whereas I can do my best with his behaviour and love him unconditionally, DH doesn't have that bond. It's lovely that you are thinking of ways to improve your bond - I hope you can find a way.

For those saying ditch DH, I have given it a lot of thought. I actually asked him to leave a few months ago, but the finances etc were unmanageable, and the situation blew over. I really don't want to give up on my marriage, or my other DCs relationship with his stepdad. But I hate to think of DS being messed up by this. I left their dad for not being onboard with the family.

I've just been away with my DCs leaving DH at home. It was lovely and relaxed, but then we were away from the daily grind of homework, bedrooms, curfews etc. I hoped it would do DH good too but he's got a lot of work stuff on his plate, so has been wrapped up in that since we got back.

OP posts:

Redbus1030 · 05/06/2017 15:15

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

foodiefil · 05/06/2017 15:18

Thanks for the support on a thread I hijacked!

This might sound a bit contrived but you engineer/encourage some kindness or thought from ds towards dh- even as tiny as making a cup of tea or doing his room or offering to load the dishwasher or help with something - and that might jolt your dh a bit? I cling to the tiniest bits of niceness ...

Redbus1030 · 05/06/2017 15:20

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Original poster

NC4now · 05/06/2017 15:35

I do try and nudge him like that - we had a good chat about it on holiday, but he's not great and DH isn't very receptive. Eg he won't accept a cup of tea made by DS. He sees it as manipulative when DS makes an effort, as it never lasts.

Not meaning to drip feed (I didn't feel it was very relevant earlier) DS has some ASD traits, which are hard to separate from bad teen behaviour and general disregard for others.
Younger DC has a full ASD diagnosis but he is completely rule-bound and caring, so he does what is expected of him, works hard at school etc. Hoping the teen years stay smooth for him...

OP posts:

foodiefil · 05/06/2017 15:43

That's a shame - that your DH takes it like that. I don't know what to suggest but I think things do have stages. Hopefully this won't last forever - I realise it must be very hard for you being stuck in the middle x

foodiefil · 05/06/2017 15:43

But ultimately your loyalty is with your child!

Original poster

NC4now · 05/06/2017 16:07

It really is - difficult when what's best for one is the opposite of what's best for the other.

I'm hoping things will improve when he leaves school. I remember that making a big difference to expectations and freedom at home.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 06/06/2017 17:35

Hey NC,

It sounds like you acknowledge that there is a problem with DS's behaviour and that there are genuine issues with how he acts and treats people. In that case, I'd say that even though your DH is the adult and not behaving ideally in holding grudges, the problem needs to be tackled with your DS rather than expecting DH to suck it up.

I only wanted to point this out because sometimes with my OH he chooses to dismiss my feelings about something even though he sees the problem as clearly as I do, and it only makes it 100 times worse for me as I feel like he's turning on me and making me into a villain. It feels so much better when OH acknowledges there is an issue and asks me to be patient or is grateful for my understanding.

You sound like an understanding person and someone who's trying to do the best for everyone, but I just wanted to add my 2 penneth about how your DH might be feeling. If you feel his feelings are justified, even if he's not acting in the way you'd like, then you can turn yourself back into a team and try and find a way to deal with DS together....even if it's just to laugh about it!

AlphabetSoup3 · 06/06/2017 19:16

I think your comment that you treat your teen like a young adult - but then discipline him 'to please DH' but don't like it is key.

I do think that in step families it is more important than ever to be a parent to our own kids and definitely not treat them like a young adult until they've earned it. There's just too much tension - you can't expect it to be harmonious and you can't now just blame your DH.

DH should not be always bad mouthing him - that is true. He does have a part to play. However unless you are on top of your sons behaviour then you and your son are part of the problem - that DH is reacting to.

BandeauSally · 06/06/2017 19:19

I wouldn't live with someone who showed such contempt for me and I certainly wouldn't expect my children to for my own comfort. Why do you?

rolopolovolo · 10/06/2017 00:58

he won't accept a cup of tea? Vile.

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