needing some help/guidance/reassurance

[lozza96]

Hi all,
This is my first post that I wish I didn't have to make but need some help and advice because I'm now a bit lost.

background info:
I'm a uni student, DP has a 2.5 y/o DD (my DSD) with the EX. We've been together for nigh on a year, moved in together beginning of may. He moved from the north to the southern coast (where I live, study and work) to both live with me and get a better job due to low job prospects in his hometown. The EX and DSD live in the north still, he visits as often as possible (12-hour bus ride each way) and once the first paycheck from his new job comes in he will be sending money to them.

Things between DP and the EX have been strained in the past, especially when he and I got together, but have recently calmed down. Obviously, she wasn't thrilled about him moving, but it was all fully discussed. The move has resulted in substantial improvements in DP salary, depression, health and general well-being, which has made him a more positive role-model in his DD life.

there has been a past of the EX and her father assaulting DP, and a case of DP retaliating to the EX's assault (on one occassion where charges were not pressed against DP because it would mean the EX would be arrested and likely be charged for assault and DP would likely be cautioned as he was acting in self-defense). In each case it has happened in the presence of DSD.

the EX has consistently refused to come within a mile of me, and not once have we met face to face nor spoken (not even on the phone). For this reason, I have never been there when DP picks up his DD, mainly to avoid her kicking off.

Due to the distance, there is obviously little interaction I have with DSD and the EX (I have to study and work so do not visit every time he does).

also: the EX's Dad has a conviction for Child Sexual Assualt, so he is not allowed to be around DSD unsupervised under any circumstances.

the issue:
DP is currently up north visiting both his DD and the rest of the family. the EX recently moved to a new flat, it is closer to her parents. DP wasn't best impressed over his DD being closer to her Gfather, but we did both think that the EX being closer to her parents would mean she could get a little more support from her family and this would in turn be beneficialy for DSD.

the last flat the EX had was apparently always a complete mess - unfortunately i cant say for definite, and can only go off my DP word. According to his word, the previous flat had been filled with dirty nappies (unbagged and unbinned), sink full of unwashed dishes, clean and dirty clothes shrewn everywhere, bin bags everywhere, toys in doorways, stained sink, bath and toilet etc.

The current flat, which he was dragged into by DSD this evening was apparently: filled with half empty bin bags from the move, dirty nappies, a full potty, unwashed dishes, DSDs bedroom was wall to wall bin bags from moving, DSDs bed/cot was not made up yet, DSD had been sharing a bed with the EX. in addition to this when he picked up DSD today her clothes were dirty, her hair wasn't brushed and it smelt like her teeth werent brushed (all of which he had to sort out when he picked her up).

I understand that moving is stressful, but surely getting the bed/cot built and DSDs room sorted would come first right? also we gave her a blow up bed for DSD that DP used when DSD used to stay with him while living up north. Also they moved three weeks ago! and it looks like they haven't done anything to sort it out.

I have told my DP to offer to help sort things out tomorrow after DSD has gone to bed (he only has a few hours before getting his bus back down south in which to help her though).

DP has asked his aunt for advice (works for Social), and she says if his description is accurate then the likelihood is DSD could be taken away from the EX.

obviously neither myself nor DP want the EX to lose custody for the sake of DSD, but everytime he visits it seems to just be getting worse! If Social do intervene and the EX loses custody, how easy would DP and I gain full custody? we currently live in a studio, I work part time alongside my degree, he works full time. We could (at a squeeze) upsize if needs be, and I'd step up as a parental role if needs be for DSD.

I get i'm probably panicking, but I don't know what to do/suggest as no improvement has been made over time. I dont want DSD to suffer because the EX can't keep on top of things and make sure DSD lives in a hygienic environment.

any suggestions?

P.s. If I sound like I'm over-reacting about mess, I don't mean like the odd toy here and there or the mess you'd expect from a toddler (DP is far from OCD tidy so is unlikely to over-exaggerate, and I'm taking his word with a slight pinch of salt). Also sorry if it seem like a bit of a rant, but I'm just not sure what to do, what to expect to happen etc and just need some guidance

Firstly how long ago did she move? Few days - give her a chance. Having moved with kids it is a nightmare. If it I was a few months then that is different.

Long before you involve social services please offer help has he has done, maybe contact friends or his family and ask them to help support her?

As for you guys getting custody I am not sure, I he is on the bc then I t is likely but they may expect him to move back so that she is able to see her mum regularly

I don't want to sound patronizing, but from my perspective, I really don't think your OH has any right to criticize his ex when he has made the decision to move so far away from his daughter. Yes he is happier now, of course he is, but what good is this really is for his DD when he is so far away? The reality is that he put his own happiness and well-being before that of his daughter and he needs to live with it. Many separated parents sacrifice their happiness for the benefit of their children.

His ex sounds like a slob, but so are many parents. It's not ideal, but it doesn't mean that she is neglecting the child. Her not being in a cot is also not neglect, many kids sleep with their parents (my DD slept with me until she was 3yo and is now a very happy well adjusted teenager).

The best you can do is stepping away from forming opinions of her based on what you hear as this is bound to be distorted and you're getting involved on this basis can only make things worse. Your boyfriend moved away from his daughter to be with you, so the best you can do is giving him your full support to ensure he continues to have regular contact with his child.

What will be will be, no point in predicting next month let alone next year. If it indeed came to the child will be removed from her mother (very unlikely unless she does drugs and the rest), then you would have plenty of time to plan whether the child could move with you, whether down south, or having to move where she is.

If things are as bad now and in the past as your partner is reporting to you then he has absolutely no moral high ground. He abandoned his daughter to live 12 hours travel time away from her in a really questionable situation including squalor, violence and a sex offender in the family.

I'm sure there are a million concocted reasons for the move and why it can't be reversed. But a decent human being would put their child first, go back and do everything possible to stabilise her life.

How do you feel about the fact that your DP abandoned his DD to move in with you? How does that make you feel about your future with him and any children you'd like to have in years to come?

What a complicated mess. Just one of the many, many issues though is your DP who moves away, leaves 'the ex' to it, you imply he isn't paying maintenance yet but will when he feels he's in a position to (meanwhile ex has to support child whether she feels in a position to or not) and then he waltzes in occasionally - to criticise. Perhaps he needs to start by doing his own fair share of parenting and guess what, 50% of the problem would be solved

I must have missed the part about him not paying maintenance. Why wouldn't he since he is now working FT?

Just to say because inevitably you are going to get negative responses, you do seem to care and want to do well by this child, so the responses are not a reflection of you being a bad person, but of the choices that your partner has made and being realistic to the fact that he is NOT a good father and therefore not in a position to judge nor you on his behalf.

should probably clarify a few things:
-DPs first paycheck from work is next week, with which he will be paying child support including arrears of what was missed last month.
-he sees his daughter as much now as the EX would allow when he was there anyway (he'd worked mon-sat and then the EX would take DSD to church for the day on sun while he lived up north, and she'd regularly not answer the phone or door during pick up, all of which has stopped since the move)
-DP calls everyday, and speaks to the EX and asks how she is doing and whether she needs more support to which she always says everything is fine.
-DP regularly pays (on top of the child support) for the EX's internet, debts etc
-we thought the issue had been sorted when DP and the EXs family all helped clean everything in the last place, including a thorough sort through to reduce clutter, and with her being closer to her family believed she would be getting more support from her family (who said as much would happen)

As I said before, I take what I am told with a slight pinch of salt, and believe me DP is trying his best to help the EX as much as possible. There is only so much I can do as she won't allow me anywhere near so I'm just looking to find a way to help the situation.

DP hasn't abandoned his DD at all, he might be physically further away but is far more involved in her life now than before. He doesn't want to call social services either and would like to solve the problem without that being necessary, but there is only so much he can do. Regardless of where he lived she tries to block his help everytime.

Ok, so you're in love and your new boyfriend is a wonderful person and therefore a wonderful dad too.

Being physically away from your child when they are only a baby still with no concept of time will have a significant impact on the relationship you build with a child.

If the welfare of the child was really the main concern of your boyfriend, he would remained where he was (you say he did have a job) and waited for you to graduate and then said that the only way you could be together is you were prepared to move where he was. He would then have been able to keep a better eye on his daughter and gradually gain more contact, so that even if she experienced poor conditions with her mum, he could offer her a nice home, and clean her/her clothes.

Instead, he chose to move to be with you and that comes at a price when it comes to his daughter.

He could have stayed, gone to mediation and court if things are so bad.

How is it that he's bright enough to start a new relationship, apply and get a new job and move across the country. But too thick to save enough in advance for maintenance in the mean time?

What does he think, his daughter can go without food, water etc for however long things take before he can afford to be a dad again. I'm pretty sure the awful ex would be jailed if she suddenly stopped providing all these things.

Take a step back, look at the bigger picture. How he treats his daughter is not right, would you want it for one of your own? It's not you I'm having a go at, I just think you are unable to see the bigger picture here.

DP hasn't abandoned his DD at all, he might be physically further away but is far more involved in her life now than before.

You are saying this like it's a good thing, but any father who can be "more involved" with his DD once he moves a 12 hour journey away was a really shit dad in the first place.

DP calls everyday, and speaks to the EX and asks how she is doing and whether she needs more support to which she always says everything is fine.

What do you expect her to say? What practical use can your DP be to her, given he's moved 12 hours away?

Look, I'm not trying to be mean here, but you're being spectacularly naive. You say you're a student, so I assume you're quite young. You hardly know this man, you've been together less than a year, most of which he was at the opposite end of the country and working 6 days a week. I assume on his day off he was spending some time with his DD? So how much did time could you and he really spend together? He's lived with you for 4 weeks. You have NO IDEA whether what he's telling you is true.

I'm glad he feels better now he's removed the hassle of his DD from his local daily life. Good for him. Looking after number 1 there. I'm sure his ex would also feel much more carefree and on top of things if she moved 12 hours away from her DD and only had herself to look after.

I think as someone who seemingly doesn't have a relationship with his daughter (you say you've had "little interaction") you can't really do anything except be there for your DP.

If he truly believes his DD is at risk of something bad happening by living with her DM, and has exhausted all other options of trying to help then I guess he'll have to take it further. Either way, something you'll have to resign yourself to as a stepparent is that you cannot control or significantly influence things. Other people will decide what is best for the child and you'll have to try to go along with it and fit into whatever is decided. It's not easy.

Would you be prepared to move up north if it came to it? And are you really sure you'd be ready to have a small child who you don't really know to live with you permanently, in a tiny flat? Facilitate said child keeping up a relationship with her mother on the other side of the country for the next 16 years? Deal with the fact that as willing as you might be, the DSD may not want you to be a parental figure and will almost certainly have issues and react badly to finding herself being taken away from her mother? Honestly I'd think really seriously whether you'd be ready for all that. Don't get overly involved and invested in this situation yet.

I haven't read the previous replies but I think that your partner has made a selfish move by moving 12 hours away from his dd. How long do you have until you finish your studies? Would you move up north afterwards?

I think that he should have stayed up north and worked towards a 50/50 care situation. As for maintenance- pretty shocking that he had the money to move in with you last month £££ but didn't pay maintenance. I understand that he could be a paycheck "down" the first month of his job but he knew beforehand how much he should have put aside. Just because he pays the arrears the next month doesn't cancel out the month he "forgot". The ex had her own moving costs recently and probably could have used the money. This is an attack on your bf not on you by the way.