Are his wishes reasonable?

[TwoDots]

Is my partners wish reasonable? Will give you a bit of background.

DP and I have been together 1 year. He has 1 DD 5 and I have 1 DS 6. We do not live together.

DP and EX share custody 50/50

His ex has been interesting. Since I have known DP, she has been away on 7 child free mini breaks/holidays. This included a 6 night break with her new DP from 22 Dec-28 Dec, so she left DSD for the entire Xmas period! She called DSD once on Xmas day. That is all. My DP has had DSD extra to support these holidays and used his own holiday allowance at work

DP took 2.5 out of the 3 weeks of settling DSD into school (she was on half days for 3 weeks). Ex didn't help with this until week 3. She doesn't attend parents eve etc. She hasn't always shown a great interest.

I'm not trying to paint a picture of her being a bad mum. She loves her daughter but I'm giving you this background to show you what it has been like....until she met me.

I understand this is very difficult knowing her DD is around another woman. I get it, I really do. She now won't let DP have uninterrupted time with DSD as she "misses her". Literally 1 hour after pick up/drop off, she's either calling the landline desperate to speak to DSD, or if we are out she's sending texts to DP asking him to get DSD to call her immediately. She only does this on the days she knows we are all together. If she'd been like this historically, I'd get it, but this started literally 1 week after meeting me.

DP is getting frustrated with this as it's not normal behaviour from her and it's interrupting his time with DSD. He wants to be treated the way he treats her and lets her have her time with DSD. He'd be understanding if it were a day or 2 after drop off but this is literally within 1-2 hours!

I've advised him that consistency is the most important thing for DSD. If this is happening now, it will need to continue as we can't have DSD getting used to these calls then have them dropped when the ex feels more comfortable with my existence. It's not fair on her. There was an incident when the ex promised DSD a call that day when we were picking her up (saying it very loudly in front of me) then she didn't call as she went to the cinema. No text to DP. Nothing! She will only call if she's feeling anxious IMO

DP wants to ask her to not call or demand calls on the day of pick up for the above reasons, plus he finds it very intrusive on his time with her. I agree, but on the other hand I feel awful that a mother is being asked to not contact her child. I see both sides. My number one concern is that it must be consistent which his ex isn't great with. DP doesn't feel like he can cope with this for years.

What would you advise he do? Is he being unreasonable?

Thanks

You're DP is right. Unplug the landline so any calls/texts have to go through his mobile which he can filter.

She has a right to contact her child but it's being done in a way for her own selfish reasons and therefore he has to put his foot down to protect his DD.

Thank you. It's reassuring to know he is right. Ex doesn't back down easily so not sure how it will all go down

The way he could take control of this is not by telling her that she has to stop calling, but to tell her that he/dd will call at to let her know they're home/ok etc etc

That way it can never be perceived that he's told her that she can't speak to her child, but it puts him back in control of the time DD is there iyswim.

It sounds like deep inside, she felt guilty for not being so present for her DD and prioritising her relationship, but that was ok because she was her DD only maternal reference. Now that you are around, her guilt is mixed with fear that she will turn to you as a mother figure. I expect your SD has been going back to her mum praising you, telling her how wonderful she is and it is making her anxious, hence her constant calls and missing her.

Personally, I would go with the flow. In a way, if it means that she gives her daughter more attention, it is a good thing. Once things settle and she regains confidence in her role as her mum, the constant contact will probably drop.

If your OH says that he doesn't want her to contact him, it will only reinforce her feels and make her counter attack instead of retreating quietly and that's usually how conflict escalate very quickly. It's not worth it.

You make some very, very good points. If she's left to it, do you really think things will improve?

We had this to begin with. In the end we said we would let DSD ring mum if the child requested it, but wouldn't answer if she rang. (Obviously if it was emergency wemail would). Funny how in 6 years the DSD has never asked to ring mum!

I agree with wannabe. Next time he collects her say 'oh we are doing xxxcc and will call you at X time'

I also think a pp has it spot on when she said the woman feels very threatened by your presence as you have been everything to her DD whilst her focus imo has been elsewhere

Has she been dumped by any chance?

Quitelikely5 no she want dumped. The relationship fizzled out, and she literally jumped straight into a new relationship with a guy from work. They've been together 18 months or so, moved in with him after 5 months. My DP had to have a word with her about boundaries as despite being with someone else, she still behaved inappropriately (sending selfies for example)....anyway I digress

My main concern with waiting it out until she's comfortable is that it's inconsistent for DSD... I know there will come a time when she won't ring and how will that make her feel? Perhaps I'm overthinking x

Apologies quitelikely5....you mean dumped by her new fella don't you?

I've heard through a friend who knows her that she was having relationship troubles. They're still together and planning holidays etc so who knows

I think your DP is being reasonable and a gentle request to minimise these calls for DSD's good wouldn't be out of order at all.

One other little thing - you mentioned that DSD's mother said loudly in front of you that she would call her daughter. Perhaps you could leave DP to collect DSD by himself? Or wait in the car if you're all going out? Maybe you being there made her feel competitive or upset. It can be quite hard knowing your daughter is off out having fun with another woman (even given what you say about her previous actions). Removing yourself, not being so 'visible' around her might help.

OrangesAndApples I agree. Usually she would drop off at his but as it was Mother's Day she requested DSD be picked up. Problem is DP doesn't drive so I was the only means of transportation on a Sunday and a 20 min drive away. Believe me I'd like to be as far away from her as possible on normal occasions xx

So it was mother's day, and you were the one driving. Was it the first time you were doing the pick up? Maybe she was anxious at her DD being driven by someone she doesn't know, especially if your OH doesn't drive himself so was never an issue?

I always had a bit of anxiety around other people driving my kids. I'm now growing anxious as my DD is taking driving lessons and will soon be driving herself!

So yes, if my kids had suddenly been picked up by someone I didn't know, I would be anxious and therefore need to know that they had arrived safely before I could relax, but wouldn't have said that was the reason because ultimately, it would have been perceived as a lack of trust. Saying that, doesn't explain the phone call after drop offs.

Swingofthings I honestly do understand that. I know it's not easy for her. My issue with that day is that she promised to call but then she decided to go to the cinema so didn't. No text, nothing. Her anxiety can't of been that bad as she didn't let DP know this until 2 days later.

It's hard for all involved but DP concern is his ex working through her anxieties without using DSD as a crutch and allowing her good quality time with her father also x

He can be selective as to which calls he takes and which he doesn't. I have to say that for all my ex's fault, he would always take it upon himself to text me when he got somewhere if he drove the kids. Maybe he could try that a quick 'we're at the house, now, all good', that will be enough for her?

Nice idea but that was a one off as his ex wanted to drink on Mother's Day. She normally drops DSD off at DPs and I'm not normally present. It's a much wider issue than that day. I was using that day as an example that she won't call should something better come along to distract her which is inconsistent for DSD