What do I do?

[seaweedandsand]

Hi ladies

I am new to this whole 'step parenting' thing, my OH and I have just moved in together, I have two DDs and he has a DS and a DD.

We have his two quite a lot but the trouble is, they are so badly behaved! They are rude, they speak to adults like sh*t, they don't have any manners, they're manipulative, they want constant attention and he doesn't do anything about it!
Actually, that's not strictly true, occasionally he tells them off and I think 'yes!' but the next time he'll let it go. He's not consistent. I've heard from DPs Mum that the ex wife (kids Mum) is not particularly discipline conscious either.

I know that DP still harbours a lot of guilt for leaving his family and I think that's part of the reason he won't discipline his children.

When my DDs are here at the same time, there are lots of arguments because his children are mean to my eldest (6). My youngest is too young to really care so she doesn't get involved. But I feel so sorry for my 6 year old because she bears the brunt of the hostility from them. There are times when they get on like a house on fire but also weekends where all they do is fight.

When it's a weekend where mine are with their Dad, I just want to go out and not be around my 'step kids' because of their behaviour. However I feel I can't do that because DP is so good with my children when his aren't here. But mine are well behaved and dont cause any trouble!

Any advice from someone who has lived this would be much appreciated? This is a new beginning for me and I love DP dearly, I am just finding the 'step mum' thing a huge challenge.

Unless you are both on the same page regarding basics like manners and behaviour it will never work.

You need an honest discussion about what each of you expect from all of the dc and agree how to achieve it. . If he won't parent his dc in a way you find acceptable he won't let you correct their behaviour either. And life will be shit for everyone. Especially your dc.

Its not a step mum thing its a different parenting thing.

You and DP have to establish house rules and everyone sticks to or suffers the consequences.

Thank you, we do need to have some house rules I think.

The thing is, he's perfectly happy with me correcting his two - but I don't feel I can constantly be on their backs because they're not mine.

I think you need to point out to your DH that allowing his guilt to translate into not disciplining his children and not giving them the guidance to become decent, well rounded people is not in their best interests. He needs to realise that, if he wants to do right by them, he needs to be a fair parent, not an over indulgent one. He will build a better, stronger relationship with them for the future if he brings them up to respect him rather than seeing him as a weak pushover.

I've been a step mum for 15 years and I feel like my role is to help my DH be the best dad he can be to his kids. That's meant at times I've had to disagree with elements of his parenting and point out stuff that I can see (because my view is slightly more objective I guess) but he can't. That's the way I would approach it with your DH but PP's are right, you and he need to be on the same page with parenting or this will not get any better.

I empathise with everything you have described op. I've been with my DH for 7 years. My DC are now 9 and 11 and his 8 and 12. It's so hard to establish consistent rules when the DC live between 3 households. We've had some really difficult times with squabbles, disciplining, guilt...Lots of the issues you describe.

But things do get easier. I think some of the things that have helped are-
Accepting that we don't always have to spend time together as a whole family and separating the children off for different activities.
Remembering that these kind of difficulties happen in non step families too and not giving ourselves a hard time about it!
Getting one of those "family rules" plaques for the dining room because mealtimes were particularly stressful.
Making sure we build in time when its just the two of us and being very open with each other about how we are feeling about our step parenting roles.
Finding and encouraging interests and activities that the kids enjoy together. For example our boys (my eldest and his eldest) often clash, they are very different and they wind each other up. But get them on a bike ride- just the two of them with one of us and they get on soooo well...we were so amazed the first time it happened!!

It definitely gets easier tho.
Good luck and enjoy the good times

...Oh and definitely, as other pp have said, establishing consistent parenting rules and values as a couple and being persistent in sticking to them

Thank you CS2006, what a lovely response - it's nice to hear that things get better - that has put a smile on my face on a difficult day.

Will definitely be trying your suggestions. Good luck to you and yours also xx

You've got a hard battle ahead of you because you've made the decision by moving in with him to ride the wave with him.

You are now in a position where you expect him to change his ways, which seems to have suited him all the time you were not living together to suit you when this wasn't in the picture when you decided to move in together.

There are three case scenarios and only one that will end up positively:
He might fully agree with your analysis of the situation and the changes that you believe he need to make with you to change the behaviour of his kids which he agrees is appalling. He will fully support your suggestion of rules and will apply them without fail and sustains them. The kids will rebel to start with but he will keep up with it and in time, they will become pleasant kids and be thankful for the rules that have been applied which mean that they feel their time with you are much happier. They will respect you and their dad for having gone with your directions and all will be good as you'd hope it would be.

Or.... your OH will agree with your suggestions and say he will fully support you when you start taking a role in disciplining his kids. He will do so to start with until his kids start crying to him about how horrible you are to them, how much happier they were before you moved in with him, how they feel that you are being unfair and favouring your own kids. He will suddenly start questioning your methods and worse, your intentions. He will stop disciplining them as you'd agreed and then start critisizing you for the way you are disciplining him. The kids will start to hate you as they will know that their dad don't support your methods and will give you a hard time, making you feel that they need even more disciplining and you will be stuck in this conflicting vicious circle until it explodes somehow.

Or, your OH will tell you that you are free to discipline your kids as you see fit, but he doesn't agree with your methods and won't apply your rules, at least not all of them. This will end up with a drift between you and your kids, his and his kids. There will be resentment, kids picking up unfairness, and constant disputes to deal with. It will be exhausting.

I really hope for you that you can apply the first situation, and of course, you considering what compromises you also can put in place to make it easier for your OH, but unfortunately, these discussions always work best when tackled before moving in rather than after.

Most step-parenting families break up because of the conflict to do with the children and I really don't understand why people feel that they need to test their love and commitment to each other before deciding whether to move in together, but don't do the same in relation to the kids. Still, I wish you all the best.

How long have you been together and how long have your DP and his ex been apart? How old are his children?

Thank you for your insights swingofthings, I would like to point out that we didn't move in together on a whim or without having lots of time where the kids were together for a few days or more on a few 'trial' living together situations. We ticked every box in making sure that the children were happy - and both sets were. It appears that emotions have been running high with them all as it's a very new situation.

Perhaps in my original post I made it sound more horrific than it is - certainly I seem to have come up against some stern responses.

We've both been married before, we both know that it is going to take time and effort and compromise on everyone's part to make this work - we haven't gone into this with our eyes shut or wearing rose tinted specs.

I've just not had any experience of this before and was hoping for some advice from others who had been in the situation.

I am well aware of the problems that could arise, the potential outcome if things don't go to plan and all of the risks associated with moving in with someone when we both have children.

I would never put my children in a position where they were unhappy, they come before anything and anyone.

I don't think you can underestimate how unhappy situations like this can make children feel tough, especially if they are the ones who 'visit' their own father and see him living with someone else's children full time and not them.

Again, how old are they, how long have you been together, and how long has be been out of the old family home?

though, not tough!

I have exactly the same problem... watching this thread with interest myself!
My SDs are incredibly rude and demanding 99% of the time. I'm struggling massively at the moment and I'm on the verge of walking away for an easier life. I love my DP so much and I would love it all to be a bed of roses but the truth is I'm so much happier when his kids aren't here. I'm on edge the whole time as they constantly kick off and make demands, they are the same at their mothers too so I feel I'm fighting a losing battle sometimes.
I get annoyed when people use the defence with SCs that "it's hard living between two homes, and having a split family"... well my children are unfortunately in the same boat and share their time with their dad and they most certainly do not behave like that

But Goggle do your children have to see their father live with someone else's children? It is hard, it's not an excuse. And just because they don't behave like that for you doesn't mean they are all sweetness and light for their stepmother, assuming they have one.

Yes they do, they also have a half sibling and step sibling.
It's no excuse. No children are always sweetness and light, however my children have basic manners and would not speak to any adult the way I see my SCs speak to their parents. Having a split family is no excuse for being rude and obnoxious and I'm fed up of everyone implying children of divorce need to be tip toed around and pandered to. I know my DCs step mum wouldn't tolerate it from my DCs.

We've both been married before, we both know that it is going to take time and effort and compromise on everyone's part to make this work - we haven't gone into this with our eyes shut or wearing rose tinted specs

But did you discuss your different approaches to parenting though, because that's they key issue. How do you reconcile different approaches and making sure that everyone is happy?

When I met my OH and we knew quickly that we were going to make it a long term relationship, he asked if he could meet the kids quickly and we talked a lot about our principles and how these reflected on raising kids. He doesn't have children but has quite strong expectations when it comes to children behaviour. He explained to me that he refused to move in with his previous partner because he couldn't reconcile with the way she was raising them, which led to her breaking up the relationship as she wanted commitment.

From my perspective, I wanted it clear that I wasn't look for another parent for my children and would not accept that my principles in bringing them up could be challenged because I have quite strong views on the matter and committed fully in bringing them up in the way I believe to be right for them.

So really, it came down to only one thing, that his expectations and my principles aligned before agreeing to take the relationship further. Thankfully it did as we have very similar views (and indeed, both had very similar upbringings by single mothers).

Yet even then, it has always been easy and indeed, compromise has been essential, but I can't imagine how we could have made it work if we didn't at least share a very similar view on discipline.

What raised alarm bells in your first post is that you seem to think that your OH is not disciplining his kids the way you think is right, so again, it comes down to whether he agrees with you and is prepared to change his ways accordingly with your support, or whether he is very happy with the way he is bringing his kids up and just have a different opinion to you on the matter. That's when it becomes much trickier to compromise.

The way you describe them is quite damming, and is unlikely to be the way he too would describe his kids, or would it? The fact that you feel you don't want to be in your own home when they are there is quite worrying, and I find it odd you would feel so strongly about it if indeed you prepared the move carefully.

My advice would be to start by identifying your differences about education principles and which bit you are prepared to compromise and which you really don't want to and go from there. Them fighting is not the end of the world, many siblings do that in non recomposed families, and you just learn to manage it and is likely to indeed get better as they get used to each other, but if you believe in being much stricter than he does, that's where it gets more complicated.

swift I feel like I want you to adopt me... you always post the most sensible advice and you probably aren't even aware that some of things you've said has saved me having a breakdown lol xx

Hi Seaweedandsand. You need support here. Seems you planned things with eyes wide open, just like I did. Being Captain Sensible, was our phrase, so we had the best chance possible of surviving the likely pitfalls of joining two houses and step kids.

I want to encourage you and pass on our experience - I think that is what you have asked for. Not a harsh post-mortem on your planning process.

After we started living together we did continue to discuss things well, and also by arguement at the bottom of our garden (!) but also we chose to skirt round things - letting things go, and not continually raking over the same stuff.

We coordinated the ex's parenting time and attempted to have time together with no kids every other fortnight - just for the Sat night til 8am Sunday.

One ex refused to rally to our need at first - why be tied to the other ex? So my advice is to not mention the other ex, but to submit a rolling timetable, long plan, access/visiting arrangement so you can plan some alone time.

Our plan falls down regularly but we don't mind, we are happy to have the children more (usually), but the pattern doesn't change over the long term. This way I can plan things in for the future. The 'other parent' dates are on repeat on our google calendar which DH and I 'share'.

When we first got together the google calendar was so useful.

We also banned some things from occurring in our bedroom so to keep our room a relaxed space. We introduced this because we didn't want to argue in bed (first chance alone and place we could go to debate, and a place I was offended if DH texted his ex).

I also stopped trying to be SO FAIR between all the kids. It was crippling me. I had to detach a little from the steps and give a few more private cuddles to my lot, so they knew I was still their biggest fan and adored them. This has all ironed out now.

I encourage (still) DH to have good interactive time with his lot. DH is a man, and a very paternal, if not even almost "maternal" man. But still, I think I see plaintive need in his and my children, and I am happy to nudge DH to step in.

My man, (in my opinion) thrives on admiration- not in a wierd way - and he got angry with judgement. So, I advise you to see the good in dad's parenting and speak the positives. You probably admit, he tolerates rudeness better than you. I doubt he enjoys it. You should remain smiley, and non judgemental and try to be part of the solution in situations and try not to be judgey pants. (Not easy). And don't forget to praise his strengths.

Set some boundaries. It's fine to go out when the steps are over. Make a decision about what you will and won't do. Detach a little, and try not to be resentful. I chose to let table manners in the steps go, as not being my responsibility. Initially it offended me so much. I decided to not comment, but to still comment on my own. Over time (years, I am sorry to say) they have normalised.

If your step children are older than your two, it is fair to say that you might become a little horrified about some of your children's behaviours as they reach the age your steps are now.

I don't think Swing has step children and I have often thought my blended family would be easier to manage if there were only one set of kids, without divided loyalties and huge sensitivities. I could have dominated the household, and made the rules for all of the children.
Melding two families is inordinately hard and living together and sharing space is not easy. It's not ideal either, and there are kinks in the road ahead and, for me, I wonder how many of the successes and difficulties have come about because of divorce and (in my case) remarriage.

My experience is clear though, that on balance the children benefit hugely from step parents and step siblings, and I truly love my step children in a far warmer way than the way I had to occasionally fake it in the early years. At your stage I was sometimes close to walking away, it seemed too high a mountain to climb, even though I had wanted to blend us, and knew it would be hard. So I know how you feel.

You can do this. If your step children are small enough, I recommend some of the things I did: putting a tent in the garden for them so they played outside and ate outside!
Using two cars to go out for the day all 6 of you.
Planning in advance to be away sometimes.
Doing small acts of kindness to warm the children's hearts to you. E.g. Helping with a school fancy dress, or buying water balloons for them.
Take time to have their grandparents and other replies over.
Praising the kids and DP when it is appropriate.
Never trying to replace their mum but doing mummy things for them - that warms your DH heart too.
I love cooking - so I cook alone for relaxation and o make what I think the kids will really like.
We take holidays together and also they go with their other parent.
Put music on in the house to make things cheerful.
Have pizza nights (then go off for a bath).
Show affection for each other as a couple even when the children are onlooking.
And the biggest one - have a calendar!!

Kindest warmest wishes.