Dp exhausted from juggling work & access

[Magda72]

Just some background.....
Dp's ex & teen kids live together in town A. Dp also maintains a house there so he can have his kids at the weekend.
Dp is self employed & works around the country but has a main depot in town C which is 200 miles from town A & this is where he spends most of his working week.
I live in town C which is roughly 140 miles from Dps depot & 60 miles from Dps kids.
Dps ex never wanted to move nearer his depot & even when together Dp would be away most of the week & back at weekends.

Dps ex is a sahm & has never worked. She has also told Dp she has no intention of working. They have no formal access agreement but when divorcing they agreed that Dp would continue to work as he always has & see the kids at weekends only.
Dp provides all their maintenance & also pays for her house & car. He takes the kids on all their holidays/weekends away & pays for all their extras such as school trips.
When I met him he would see his kids Friday to Sunday or Saturday to Sunday (depending on work) every weekend. The only thing that has changed is that most Friday nights he now spends with me. He gets up early every Saturday morning & then travels to town A to see his kids.
He will also spend time with me mid week if work permits. He never got into the habit of seeing his kids midweek as he would only get to them about 8:30 which is too late to pick them up on school nights.
Now the issue is this - Dp is wrecked & I am really quite worried about him as he is about himself. He often works 12 hour days, works 5 days a week & then has his kids the other two days. He has very little free time & no down time.
He recently suggested to the kids that he take 2 half Friday's every month & that he then see them eow from school pick up to Sunday evening, & they were not happy; gave him a really hard time about access & blamed me! The eldest two are 14 & 17 & he explained to him that him not seeing them mid week is not my fault but is the 'fault' of his work & that the only thing that had changed since meeting me was the odd Friday night. He nicely pointed out that if he doesn't work their standard of living drops & that there will be less money aside for uni etc.
His ex quite literally sits back & does nothing for herself & this attitude seems to have filtered down to the kids - they expect everything from him - money & time & he is run ragged. The older two have given up all their hobbies & never do anything with friends at the weekend which I think is some of the problem - i.e. they are depending on Dp for all their weekend entertainment & if Dp is not around they just sit at home playing ex box. They also refuse to come here any weekend (they think my kids are weird) which would at least mean I could share the pick ups (ex won't drop them anywhere).
Dp & I know the situation isn't ideal & know we have to suck up a lot of stuff - but what happened when someone's health is suffering? Dp is trying to negotiate with them but is met with a brick wall constantly.
He had to work yesterday (Saturday) which is rare admittedly & stopped off with me at 11 last night. He was then up at 6 this morning to drive to town A to collect his kids & then drive them another 100 miles to his brothers for a family occasion that his 11 year old didn't want to miss. He will drive another 100 miles back this evening & will then have to drive another 200 miles tomorrow morning to be in work for 7:30.
I'd really appreciate insight from anyone who many have experienced similar regarding the geographical/logistical aspects of access. Dp desperately wants to do right by his kids in all ways but he's at the end of his rope.
For the record Dp does not work to also support me - I am financially independent.
I also realise that this may not be the board for this but as his OH I'm struggling to give advice re a situation that involves his kids if you get what I mean, as my own situation with my ex & my kids is very different. I feel his kids are manipulating him quite a lot but maybe this is natural and/or maybe I'm wrong.

Doesn't he have them 3 nights out of 7 though? Friday to Monday. Surely the 'single' parent in this case has plenty of time to 'catch a break' All children are school age, pretty much teenagers, in fact and she doesn't work! I would say that she has plenty of time to herself

Ok on reading the OP my understanding was that he used to have them fri-Sunday every weekend but now sees OP on a Friday night so gets up early to collect them on Saturdays. He didn't ever establish mid week contact.

When I met him he would see his kids Friday to Sunday or Saturday to Sunday (depending on work) every weekend. The only thing that has changed is that most Friday nights he now spends with me. He gets up early every Saturday morning & then travels to town A to see his kids.

He will also spend time with me mid week if work permits. He never got into the habit of seeing his kids midweek as he would only get to them about 8:30 which is too late to pick them up on school nights.

So yeah, If he needs a break, it's certainly not from seeing his kids. I would suggest it is his excessive workload that is causing his issues.

I think he should sell his house, move in with you and his DC need to suck it up, be polite to your DC and get on with it. They need to be taught that life doesn't always revolve around them.

Family holidays should include your family as well. All his DC are old enough to understand that their Dad needs a life too and sometimes he needs a break.

EXW needs to share some of the lifts, and be more flexible in fitting in with your DP schedule or else risk losing her lifestyle. If she continues to be unbending, then they should go back to court and he should pay bare minimum.

@zilphashatpin, I work flexible hours so my ex & I decided I would be the RP. In doing so I have taken on the daily running of my kids lives. Ex has taken on the longer hours & the better wage - he does his job & I do mine. We then split the weekends between us, EOW, so our kids get downtime with both of us & we both get some time to ourselves. We are not single parents as in we still coparent & I am very mindful the the role of a single parent is a hard one.
Dp & ex decided she would not work as she never has & didn't want to, & he would. His ex gets EVERY Saturday & Sunday & EVERY bank holiday to herself. She also gets weeks to herself when he takes the kids on holidays - she never does & he takes all three away working with him for weeks during the long summer holidays. My point is that he is doing everything for those kids bar getting them out to school & cooking their weekly dinners! He even rings them every evening to go through homework with them. Neither his kids nor his ex seem to in any way appreciate what he's doing & at the first sign of him wanting to sort out a life for himself they are all cribbing at him.

@justspeaksense thank you. I am lucky enough to have a good size house & have a very large room the eldest two could use & I have even discussed clearing my uni going sons room out for use also. MY kids have been fantastic in trying to accommodate Dp moving in & having his kids up. I do think Dp & his ex have completely indulged their kids & the chickens are now coming home to roost so to speak as the kids have dictated everything since the divorce. I know this is somewhat necessary when kids are small but you're right - as they get older they need to be taught they are not the centre of the universe & that all relationships & family situations need a certain amount of compromise. My own kids have to share a lot of space when at their dads & it would be hard for them to share space here too but they are prepared to do it as they realise things change & move on.

My point is that he is doing everything for those kids bar getting them out to school & cooking their weekly dinners!

No, he isn't doing "everything" for those kids bar school and "weekly"?? Dinners (in my house dinner is a daily thing.) she is doing everything bar holidays and one night a weekend.

He even rings them every evening to go through homework with them.

Even? He even parents his own kids? That's fantastic.

Neither his kids nor his ex seem to in any way appreciate what he's doing & at the first sign of him wanting to sort out a life for himself they are all cribbing at him.

Why are his kids supposed to appreciate him doing his job as a parent? He does the bare minimum hands on parenting and even at that he is trying to reduce it more. What are they supposed to be appreciating here?

There is more than one way to parent. Lots of parents have to find ways to suit family life - people in the army, on oil rigs etc.
I don't know your story but I think you are judging other parents on YOUR set up. If Dp gave up work to mind kids & forced his ex to work you'd be giving out about that too!
His ex is NOT a single parent - she gets more money than any other divorced parent I've ever come across & has plenty of free time.

His ex is NOT a single parent

I totally agree with this; she isn't a single parent.

IMO a single parent is someone that parents on their own (or almost entirely on their own with very little consistent help, financial and practical from the other parent). That isn't the case here. Dad is working his arse off (literally) to pay for the kids, seeing them in his own home every weekend (thus giving her time to herself, having them for extended periods during school holidays and speaking to them every night. However much they hate each other, she is a co-parent, not a single parent.

If Dp gave up work to mind kids & forced his ex to work you'd be giving out about that too!

His ex should already be supporting herself. You won't have seen any post from me on this thread to say otherwise. All my posts have been wrt to his children and his time with them. You say they should be appreciating him, I am asking what he is doing they should be appreciating?

His ex is NOT a single parent - she gets more money than any other divorced parent I've ever come across & has plenty of free time.

Who said anything about money? I am discussing what she's does for the children as you claimed she does nothing other than cook a weekly dinner and send them to school and that your DP does everything for them. This is quite obviously not the case. You are implying he is a superhero father for calling his children daily. He isn't, that is quite a lot less than what most parents do for their children daily.

@ziph - you are missing my point completely. Dps ex CHOSE to mind the kids full time. It's not up to me to comment on how she parents on a daily basis but imo she does very little bar what I've stated. She goes to no parent teacher meetings & brings them to no sports or activities as they don't do any! Everything they do they do at weekends as she has organised it like this as she doesn't like to drive, at least that's the excuse! The kids literally get up, go to school, come home, do their homework, eat & play Xbox! They even bring laundry to their dads as she often hasn't done it - neither have they! They are all pre teens & teens & so illnesses & sleepless nights are no longer an issue.
She does very little in comparison to Dp who works to support them all & is then expected to run around after them EVERY single Saturday & Sunday, every bank holiday & every holiday. If they were still together that would still not be a fair set up!!!

@newfor2017, you are spot on!

So they are both slackers in one way or another. Still can't see what the DCs should be appreciate of wrt their father.

At this point Zilp you are bang out of order!
Go troll another post with your prejudices as you've nothing useful to contribute here.

I'm not trolling I'm pointing out that they're both slacking in one department or another. Neither are being the super parent you want us to believe your partner is. He is exhausted because of his job. Not because of his children. If he needs a break then it shouldn't come from the little time he already spends with his children. He needs to reduce his work. I asked you what you wanted his children to show appreciation for and you haven't been able to say anything other than he rings them daily and sees them one night a weekend, back holidays and takes them on holiday. Oh and a bit of laundry. All normal parenting duties, if at a reduced level. Nothing above and beyond the call of duty that they should be kissing his feet for.

I think they should be old enough to get (not kiss his feet) that Daddy's working very long hours (which pays for their lifestyle), doing a lot of driving and is shattered. I really don't think that's hard to understand. Most kids get that a parent works in order to provide. It may be harder to understand that Daddy also has a new girlfriend who he'd like to spend time with but actually, it's not unreasonable to ask for them to try and understand that either imo. Especially not of a bloody 17 yr old!

My own father commuted weekly for a lot of my childhood & while I loved the weekends because he was home I didn't expect him to dance attendance on me or my siblings all weekend - we appreciated that both our parents needed some rest so we got on with it & visited friends & amused ourselves & took ourselves to the cinema etc! There were no mobile phones either so if we got one phone call a week with our dad we were doing well. My mother didn't want to move for his job as we were all settled in school & she just got on with it & certainly didn't feel the need to hand us over to our dad at the weekends!
I honestly think parents nowadays are slaves to their kids every whim & want, & kids are not being taught any emotional independence.

When you spoil children with attention, doing everything for them without expecting any appreciation for it for year, you can't suddenly take things away and then get angry with them because they were not appreciative when they should have been.

It would similar to your OH doing all the cleaning in the house, even though you both work. He's done it for many years and as such, it's become the norm. Suddenly, he tells you that he is tired of doing all he cleaning, so he is intending to only do 1/2 of it. You are a bit annoyed because you are inconvenienced, but what really gets to you ultimately is that you find out that he has signed up to a gym membership and spends his time here instead of doing the housework. When you complain, he says that he is entitled to have a life, and that really, you should have been grateful that he used to do all the cleaning in the first place.

Wouldn't you be upset? That's how his kids feel.

Totally agree with newfor2017 the children are old enough realise how hard their dad works, and that he's also entitled to some life of his own.

And as someone said on a previous thread - working hard to provide for your family should be recognised as 'positive parenting'. If a man puts in the hours to provide a good lifestyle for his family, he shouldn't then be criticised if he doesn't have much spare time. You can't have it both ways!

And being self employed is most certainly NOT a guarantee of flexible working, quite the reverse sometimes, as you're often a one man band who has to cover everything yourself!

Gosh, I can't believe some of the stick your poor dp has got on here. Blimey, it sounds like he's done his utmost to be a good parent to his children and his ex-wife is taking the piss. Both his children and his ex-wife have choices here and they want to make their choices but not suffer the consequences. She could drive the children to facilitate weekly contact but refuses to because she can't be bothered but wants to blame your dp for not wanting to drive miles on top of the hundreds of miles he already drives. Meanwhile his children refuse to go to your house but then complain about not seeing him every week. Yes I'm sure it's not easy being a child of divorced parents. But they also have to accept that they can't always get things their own way, something their mother is patently not showing them. Everyone has to learn at some point that the world doesn't revolve around them. I can't believe the wife doesn't work, doesn't take them to any activities and doesn't even do their washing, unless she has some illness or disability we're not aware of. OP unfortunately I've noticed these threads attract a lot of people projecting their completely different situations onto the scenario given. I'm not sure that you can change the situation, as it's completely in your dh's hands. But I certainly understand why you're worried about him and frustrated with the situation. Everyone needs rest, especially as you are getting older.

OP you sound totally reasonable. Your DP and his ex (who doesn't work or do the dc laundry? Sorry what? Is she disabled?) have raised dc who still do not know that the world does not revolve around them. What a shame. I think both he and his ex are reaping what they have sewn. You are unfortunately on the sidelines here and I suspect you will be for some time. Shame really because it sounds like you should set a better example of collaboraton to these dc. To whoever said it is no biggie him ringing the dc every night and helping with homework - that takes a fair bit of mental energy to do from afar and I am impressed by that.

He needs to draw a line under all the pandering to the ex and the dc. But you can't make him and I'm not sure he will.

Very difficult situation.

I think the best solution would be to switch to EOW but make it clear that the children would be welcome to come to yours if they change their minds. That way you keep the door open for them x