Dp exhausted from juggling work & access

[Magda72]

Just some background.....
Dp's ex & teen kids live together in town A. Dp also maintains a house there so he can have his kids at the weekend.
Dp is self employed & works around the country but has a main depot in town C which is 200 miles from town A & this is where he spends most of his working week.
I live in town C which is roughly 140 miles from Dps depot & 60 miles from Dps kids.
Dps ex never wanted to move nearer his depot & even when together Dp would be away most of the week & back at weekends.

Dps ex is a sahm & has never worked. She has also told Dp she has no intention of working. They have no formal access agreement but when divorcing they agreed that Dp would continue to work as he always has & see the kids at weekends only.
Dp provides all their maintenance & also pays for her house & car. He takes the kids on all their holidays/weekends away & pays for all their extras such as school trips.
When I met him he would see his kids Friday to Sunday or Saturday to Sunday (depending on work) every weekend. The only thing that has changed is that most Friday nights he now spends with me. He gets up early every Saturday morning & then travels to town A to see his kids.
He will also spend time with me mid week if work permits. He never got into the habit of seeing his kids midweek as he would only get to them about 8:30 which is too late to pick them up on school nights.
Now the issue is this - Dp is wrecked & I am really quite worried about him as he is about himself. He often works 12 hour days, works 5 days a week & then has his kids the other two days. He has very little free time & no down time.
He recently suggested to the kids that he take 2 half Friday's every month & that he then see them eow from school pick up to Sunday evening, & they were not happy; gave him a really hard time about access & blamed me! The eldest two are 14 & 17 & he explained to him that him not seeing them mid week is not my fault but is the 'fault' of his work & that the only thing that had changed since meeting me was the odd Friday night. He nicely pointed out that if he doesn't work their standard of living drops & that there will be less money aside for uni etc.
His ex quite literally sits back & does nothing for herself & this attitude seems to have filtered down to the kids - they expect everything from him - money & time & he is run ragged. The older two have given up all their hobbies & never do anything with friends at the weekend which I think is some of the problem - i.e. they are depending on Dp for all their weekend entertainment & if Dp is not around they just sit at home playing ex box. They also refuse to come here any weekend (they think my kids are weird) which would at least mean I could share the pick ups (ex won't drop them anywhere).
Dp & I know the situation isn't ideal & know we have to suck up a lot of stuff - but what happened when someone's health is suffering? Dp is trying to negotiate with them but is met with a brick wall constantly.
He had to work yesterday (Saturday) which is rare admittedly & stopped off with me at 11 last night. He was then up at 6 this morning to drive to town A to collect his kids & then drive them another 100 miles to his brothers for a family occasion that his 11 year old didn't want to miss. He will drive another 100 miles back this evening & will then have to drive another 200 miles tomorrow morning to be in work for 7:30.
I'd really appreciate insight from anyone who many have experienced similar regarding the geographical/logistical aspects of access. Dp desperately wants to do right by his kids in all ways but he's at the end of his rope.
For the record Dp does not work to also support me - I am financially independent.
I also realise that this may not be the board for this but as his OH I'm struggling to give advice re a situation that involves his kids if you get what I mean, as my own situation with my ex & my kids is very different. I feel his kids are manipulating him quite a lot but maybe this is natural and/or maybe I'm wrong.

His youngest is only 11, is he really able to carry on as he his for the next 8 years or so? He is going to have to change something before then so he may as well crack on and do it.

His eldest is 17, almost an adult - is he going to pander the rest of his life to adult DC and an Ex? It sounds as though they view him as a provider in money and entertainment.

The whole not letting them on public transport is ridiculous, the whole refusing to spend time with your DC is ridiculous too. His ex needs to grow up and accept that he is the right to move on and him in an early grave through stress and exhaustion isn't her DC best interests!

Court ordered maintenance can and is reviewed. He may decide he's better off not having them overnight, stay in a cheap hotel himself rather than running a 2nd home with all the cleaning, maintenance, costs that come with that. Sure the ex won't like that either but somewhere a compromise needs to be reached.

ZilphasHatpin it's not like that. My ex got a better job and now has to commute. Our teen was fine with it as he has his own life so to speak, but our 11 year old did have to adapt. He, I & his Dp felt it would be better for our dd if she still went over to his after school on the 2 days she normally went there even though he now would not be home until 7:30 as none of us wanted her feeling like she was missing out on time with her half siblings. It was a nice thing for everyone to do under the circumstances. His Dp is a sahm for the moment and says she actually likes the company.

Which is great, but my point was, if your ex was single he wouldn't have that option! He would either have to organise his work around his children (like most parents!) or choose not to see his children. He is lucky to have a partner there so he avoids having to address the question of whether he is choosing work over seeing his children.

I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be sticking up for my ex lol, but I do feel that for some it's not a choice! My ex now has 5 kids with one in uni & he has to provide for them all. If he didn't have a Dp & 2 smaller kids then maybe things would be different & he'd have continued seeing our three midweek, but life goes on & he deserves to have a Dp & more kids if he wishes.
We all have to adapt & bend a little as life goes on.
Imo.

it is a choice. Of course it is. Like I said, if he didn't have on two free childcare he would have to make the decision himself to either not have his children or to work less.

On tap

Is the house and car payment actually part of the divorce agreement? When does it (and the child maintenance) end?

Even if the agreement is due to end when the kids all reach 18, and he continues to pay till that point, it seems like it will cause issues with his children when he ends the payments - they and his ex sound like they believe it's his duty to provide everything not only for the children themselves but for their mother.

For what it's worth, OP, I think you're being incredibly reasonable in all of this, but I do wonder where that leaves you.

In my opinion, it seems that your DP is letting his kids dictate what he does with his life, to the point he seems to feel forced to keep an unsustainable second house because they would get upset if they had to share any space with you or your kids.

The ex-wife obviously comes across as a spoilt and bitter child in all of this, but setting her aside, I'm not sure the kids understand how much pressure they're putting on their father, and, as the grown up in the situation, it really is his place to put his foot down and decide what's too much for him and what's not before he falls asleep at the wheel or has a nervous breakdown or a heart attack.

It's not for the kids to give him permission to work fewer hours or move house if that's what he needs to do. I think he needs to grow a pair or accept that his children will dictate everything. Probably forever.

Totally agree Longines

@vinfuego, yes the car & house were part of the divorce. The car is was bought outright & the house had a hefty deposit. The mortgage repayments will be finished in 6 years or so. Maintenance stops at 18 but he also has to fund uni if the kids wish to go as ex has no income. Ex threatened to take half the business & so this was the compromise. Dp was also supporting a disabled family member at the time & so didn't want to lose the business.

*@longines, I'm very inclined to agree with you & vimfuego. * I do feel he's being manipulated very heavily & that expectations of him are way too high. But yes, he either has to decide to cut back on work or make a stand. I'm sure the kids don't realise the pressure he's under but I do feel that the eldest at least should be beginning to see the bigger picture in all of this & he's actually the one causing the most hassle.
Dp took all three on a two week holiday at xmas & is taking the elder 2 on a city break in June. For the record I go on none of these trips. Last week he was asked (by the eldest) where he was taking them for their summer holidays!!! Al this AFTER he had fully paid for him & his brother to go to French college for two weeks in July!!!
I'll have a chat with Dp about work alright, but am very reluctant to pass comment on the kids

Manipulated or was he happy to spend all his spare time with his kids before he met you and your kids?

Yes kids have to adapt but at the same time when you were told and shown to be top priority and are suddenly relocated because other priorities take precedence it can make you feel neglected.

The issue here is the timing. If he had told them things needed to change before he got with you it probably would have gone down better.

It doesn't sound like a fair arrangement financially but I don't blame the kids for thinking you are the reason he wants to reduce contact. From their POV they had their dad eow for years and it worked fine until he met you. He's an adult so you will just have to leave him to sort it out with them himself. From your POV, I would end the relationship. It sounds intolerable

He doesn't want to reduce contact - he wants to change it so that he gets some full weekends with them & some much needed time away from driving for himself.

I think the ops DP would find EOW absolutely fine, its the drive every weekend he can't handle anymore but his ex won't consider them doing the travel on public transport to give him a much needed break from it!

Too many men undertake the most insane logistics, and continue to do so, rather than 'rock the boat' and if the OP's DP does this out of fear/guilt/needing to grow a pair, then it's very hard to unpick

So he's still ok to hsbc them every weekend just not the travelling? How easy would it be for them to get on the train? Could it be just one train and would he pay? If so I think at their age it is totally reasonable to expect them to do so but wouldn't it be much more costly? If he is happy to pay could he do the journey with them once if they are anxious and maybe that would reassure mum too?

swingofthings, even if they were let travel they don't want to come here at all & have told Dp they don't want to spend weekends with me & my kids; as I've said before they think my kids are weird. Dp pointed out that my kids are with their dad some weekends & they (with eldest as spokesman) said it doesn't matter; they're just not comfortable here. The 14 year old also said he's tired on the weekends & the travelling would tire him out!
I smiled to myself at that one!

I should add the 14 year old meant travelling as a passenger in his dads car! Lol.

Your dh is a puppet pure and simple. .
His dc sound entitled brats.

And with an ex like his it's easy to see how.
I would be leaving them to get on with it and find a man who wanted to move on and create a life for everyone involved not just how his ex states his life has to be.
You are low low down on his list of important people. .

@justmade, maybe you're right. I never expected to be no. 1 but yes, the ex & kids do seem to dictate all at the moment.

Your DH is a puppet, pure and simple

Sadly, I agree.

The financial arrangements and the XW not working aren't relevant.

I can see why the kids don't want to come to your house EOW. Leaving aside their opinion of your kids (I'm sure they're lovely, but they are strangers to these kids) of course they don't want to be 60 miles from home, in a stranger's home. Do they have bedrooms at his house in their town? I expect so. Would they have the same at yours? I expect not.

You say that this is about his tiredness not about you, as the kids think. But you also say that he used to go to them every Friday unless working - but now he spends most Fridays with you. I'm not saying he is wrong to make that choice, that he isn't allowed to have time for himself or ever change contact. BUT - be fair to these kids, of course it looks like it's about you, because he now spends the Fridays he had with them, with you!!

He's always worked away and gone home at weekends. So why is he too tired now? Has work picked up? Has he just got older? Are you sure he's not just more pissed off with the travel because he'd rather be with you than the kids? (that's not judgmental - I am divorced and have a new partner. There are nights I get back from work travel when I could just collect her in time - but I choose to let her stay with her dad so I can have time with my boyfriend)

Is he actually more tired because he used to stay in Town B, with 2x200 miie drive to Town A, but now he's doing some 140 mile drives midweek from Town B to you in Town C?

Honestly, I think he should still be seeing his kids Fri-Mon. He doesn't see them in the week. If he's too tired then he needs to employ someone in his business and reduce his income, or work Tue-Fri every other week, or something. Downsize the house in Town A. Or have less 2 week summer holidays and French colleges.

Yes, it's tiring working full time and having the kids at the weekend. But it's not unusual. And as he's self employed he has more scope than many to adjust his hours, albeit with impact to income.

@ellisandra, all very relevant points. In response; work is busy but he cannot afford to hire extra people at the moment - we have discussed this. He is looking into downsizing but due to the nature of the business that will take some time to put into effect which doesn't help the current situation. And yes he is older which is the reason he's looking into downsizing in the long term as he knows he can't keep it up.
I hear exactly what you're saying re the kids & bedrooms etc. but I do feel the older 2 in particular are at a point where they should be able to suck up a little discomfort.
Re the Friday's I have previously offered to drive half way on Fridays to meet exw & take kids from her but we were told she wouldn't drive.
I'm not saying Dp shouldn't see his kids whenever he can but it feels like he can't catch a break at all & is cut no slack, and having thought about it all week I'm inclined to agree with the posters here who say he's being used as a cash machine!

but I do feel the older 2 in particular are at a point where they should be able to suck up a little discomfort.

Well what is in it for them to make sucking up some discomfort worth it? They will be squashed into someone else's bed/sofa/bedroom floor to spend less time with their dad than they would have before and have to share him with practical strangers. I really can't see any benefit to them in that, not when they can see him in his current town on their own.

I'm not saying Dp shouldn't see his kids whenever he can but it feels like he can't catch a break at all & is cut no slack,

As a single parent I give you my hollowest laugh! He can't catch a break? He parents for 1 night out of 7! Their other parent does 6 times as much parenting as he does. Im not sure it is him who needs any slack.