Blended family struggling to blend

[BobbyJon]

Hey,
(hey sorry if this a bit long :/ I've put it in two posts)

I'm 36, I have two kids, a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter. My beautiful wife, their mother passed away 10 years ago and I've raised them by myself since then.
I went on a few first dates since she died but nothing more than that.

Two years ago I met my fiance. She is 33. She has two kids as well, a 16 year old daughter, and an 8 year old son. Her little boy has epilepsy.
She split up with her partner (kids father) 8 years ago, he literally upped and left out of the blue, but it was a blessing for her, he wasn't a good guy and she was better without him.
She has dated since him, but it never worked out.

Our relationship is great. I never thought i'd feel like this again, never thought i'd connect with someone like this again, I love her, honestly i feel like a teenager again!

Which kind of brings me on to our 'teenagers'. She and her kids moved into my home at the start of March (its a bigger house, lots of land, right by the beach, its perfect for a family).
We are due to be married this July! Which of course means we we're always going to be 'blending families' when it came to living together.

It's not like our kids haven't met before, they've met loads. It's also not like we didn't know there could be issues, we did.
I'm extremely proud of the adults my kids are becoming, they are trustworthy, kind, popular, they are both athletically talented and dedicated to it too, they compete at the various sports at a very high level.
My SO's little boy is a real cheeky chappy, he loves to follow my kids around and hang out with them. Her daughter is, a good kid, I really like her and i feel like we have a good relationship but she has had her problems, underage smoking, underage drinking, truancy, a suspension from school, she's no angel, I guess it hasn't been the easiest upbringing for her and she has had issues. Although, id say if anything this is improving since me and SO have been together.
She attends the same school as my kids so she already knew them, she was pretty close with my son, they both surf and the used to hang out in the same circles and this is actually how I met my fiance in the first pace.

(cont..)

Sounds to me like you are being very thoughtful wrt to everyone involved and that you have good communication with your kids and respect the step kids.
Hope it all works out for you guys

@spikegilessandwich @underthemoonlight It's 2 years, not 2 months! We're not kids anymore, we're not dating for the hell of it. I haven't dated since my wife died, I'm not interested in something non-serious! From my point of view we've spent two years getting to know each other so know we're either committed to this or we're not, i don't want to sleep over my 'girlfriends' house, I'm a 36 year old man, I want to be a husband, I want to wake up next to the women i love, I want to build a life together, maybe even have kids together!
I've been married before, I know what marriage takes, I got married at 19 and I know people think that's too young but they we're the happiest years of my life. I know how short life is, she died too young, it wasn't fair, it still isn't, but i also know how precious life is! When it's right, it's right and you should grab it with both hands and allow yourself to be happy whenever you can because you never know whats around the corner!

@spikegilessandwich I agree though, I know 15 Isn't an ideal time to merge families and bring another teenager into the home. Particularly when its already a teenager that she didn't particularly gel with in the first place. I am sorry for that, I don't feel good about doing that for my own happiness alone..... although my kids do like my fiance, and my SS, and my son likes SD so its not all bad.
Yeah that kind of stuff is scary!! I do feel like we have really good communication though, id hope she'd just talk to me! Plus shes a very no-nonsense, salt of the earth, type of girl, not someone that I've ever worried about that kind of stuff with!
(SD has more of a record of 'self destructive' type behaviour)

@underthemoonlight the atmosphere between the two of them is an issue, but i think it's like a 50/50 situation! (I'd be in super protective papa bear mode if i genuinely believed my daughter was being targeted in some way but i don't believe that's the case - my daughter wouldn't claim that was the case either).
Yeah i mean that's hard, I've always tried to be the best dad i could be, give them the best family life i could - but obviously I can't replace their mum. My daughter was so young when she died as well, which just seems so cruel ...For a while i thought i was unlucky when my wife died but i wasn't unlucky, I was lucky for knowing her, for having her in my life and for getting to spend all the time that i did with her! More time than her own kids ever got! But i've always tried to keep her memory alive for them without dwelling too much on her death.. I'd hope that if either of m kids wanted to talk about their mum they would come to me

@Wannabe They are mature, really mature! I guess maybe because the 'blending' has gone well overall i've been a bit spoilt... I dont think the girls are super unhappy. I know sometimes its not even easy for blood siblings sometimes! But I do still hold hope that they can maybe get on a little better, maybe it is just time, i dont know

@chickenjalfrezi yeah yeah i here you! I know its only been a month, and maybe im worrying too soon. Thats what my fiance thinks. I just worry because they've never gelled, even before me and my fiance ever met!

@wallywobbles Thank you! :) Did you have step siblings?

@TwitterQueen1
Yeah I do struggle with that. My kids have been everything to me, I have poured everything i have into my kids. (I know everyone loves their kids, im not saying that im special or anything, but I had them so young, and then i lost my wife, and they were what kept me going, i put everything into raising my kids as best I could, that's been my focus).
And they're great kids, I'm so proud. But you're right, I love my fiance very much, and i want to be a good step dad too, and that spreads me more thinly.
You're right i have a really close relationship with my kids! I don't want to lose that, i'd hope to be able to maintain it whilst moving forward with my fiance. But i guess my biggest worry of all is that i don't want my kids to feel like we're losing that!!

As people have pointed out my kids are growing up, they're going to be moving forward in their own lives soon, but i hope that we can always be close, and I would never want them to feel in anyway pushed out or like their home is less their home. I guess thats my worry with my daughter - that home is a place she likes being less now because of issues with SD... but i dunno...

@YetanotherHelenNetmum Thanks

Yup. 2 of them 4 of us. I'm the youngest. It works how it works. Can't second guess these things. They aren't all going to feel like siblings. I did with them all. My Ssis was a sis for us all but not so SBro. He was a troubled teen and not particularly commendable adult.

We were DSS19, DS 19, DB 17, DSB 17, DB 13, me 10. Younger is easier.

I was a teenager with a widowed parent. It would have taken a certain amount of pressure off me knowing my dp was with someone so I could live my life and move out without leaving my dp alone. Maybe your dd is mature enough to understand that. Putting up with a stepsister may feel like a fair trade off to her?

You know what? Sometimes fine is as good as it gets. I have 2 teenage boys 10 months age difference, who are like chalk and cheese. They run in entirely different circles and have very different outlooks. Despite sharing parents and growing up together. I will take fine over open hostility

@Wallywobbles yeah younger is defo easier! My SS has taken to everything like a duck to water! He's having the time of his life!

@Ikillallplants Yeah you probably have a point! My kids (well more my daughter, my son didnt really care haha) have been trying to get me to date for years! Haha!! ...Not like in a bad way but they're always like 'hey so and so's single dad', 'hey she totally fancied you dad' haha!

@cjdamoo yeah yeah, i know your probably right. This is what my fiance feels, they're not at each others throats so its okay. ...I guess everyones right that theres really nothing you can do to improve peoples relationships, if they dont get on they dont get on! If they were little kids id take them out 'team building' but they're not, their young adults with their own social circles!