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Original poster

Partner's son is cruel to my pets

77 replies

Yorkshiiiire88 · 18/04/2017 17:24

I've been with my partner for 2 years and he has two little boys aged 5 and 7. I have a 10 year old daughter. We don't live together.

Initially it was fun to go for the odd day out but as we all spend more time around each other, particularly at my house, the behaviour of my partner's eldest son is more and more unsettling. The younger one is a bit naughty but in more of a cheeky playful way and that's fine. The older child is malicious.

Any room he walks into he will pick up 'a weapon'. We went to a party and he picked up a glass bottle and waved it in another kid's face. A woman took it from him but he picked if straight back up. He did the same thing to my cat with a dinner knife. I also walked into the room this weekend and he had piled books, ornaments and other things onto my little kitten and was waving his hands in her face (I'd left them alone for less than a minute). I've seen him hiss at my cats, kick at them and generally tease them and be cruel. He tried to force feed my cat a shell and at a petting farm this weekend he tried to trick a donkey into eating a rock by hiding it in some food. I hate that sort of thing and Ive made it very clear to his dad its unacceptable. He tells him off but he has a 'boys will be boys' attitude to it. He's also got all of the cats food and dumped it in the litter tray. He's never sorry.

He's rude to me, ignores me when I ask him to stop doing things and is generally obnoxious. Every time he comes over he breaks something and it's always something belonging to my daughter. He bullies his little brother who is very sweet and he lies and manipulates situations.

I'm finding the situation hard. I love my partner and I've grown close to the younger child but as far as the 7 year old goes after the knife incident and him hurting the kitten I don't want him at my house, I don't even want to be around him and I don't want him around my daughter or pets.

I want to settle down. I'm starting to wonder if that will be possible when I can't imagine being able to live with my partner until the child is grown up. Thoughts? There are numerous other incidents but all pretty similar.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 18/04/2017 21:46

Run far and fast from him. No relationship is worth bringing that into your life for!

Lunar1 · 18/04/2017 21:53

Why would you bring man into your child's home, her safe place, who thinks this behaviour is ok? Walk away.

Wdigin2this · 18/04/2017 22:19

This is all so sad! But, you cannot live with this situation, (think of the message it's sending your daughter) so, unless you can just date each othe and not have his DS's at your house at all....you're going to have to think again about this relationship. Sorry!

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/04/2017 22:45

I don't think his response is adequate to be honest.

DuckOnQuack · 18/04/2017 22:54

Get out now. Eventually you won't respect this man because he is part of the issue. Find a new man. This won't end well, really it won't.

SarcasmMode · 18/04/2017 22:56

He sounds like he has Conduct Disorder or some other type of behavioural issue.

There is bad behaviour and there is manipulative, calculated and sinister behaviour.

I know you care for DS2 but honestly for your family and pets sake, I'd advise leaving this relationship.

Maybe it will be the wake up call his Dad needs.

SuperBeagle · 18/04/2017 22:56

Cruelty to animals is one of the hallmarks for future cruelty to people (and yes, as others have said, is often a trait serial killers exhibit in their childhoods).

Walk away from this relationship. It's not going to get better.

NataliaOsipova · 18/04/2017 22:59

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. Don't do this to your daughter.

crazycatgal · 18/04/2017 23:24

The child has a serious problem, don't allow a child like this to be around your daughter or pets.

Your partner has only given a half arsed response to this problem.

SuburbanRhonda · 18/04/2017 23:40

The GP is arranging tests and talking about medication.

Is this what your partner has told you? Because if he's had a referral for a paediatric assessment, that will be with a neurodevelopmental consultant and will involve hospital appointments. If they've mentioned medication, they're thinking possible ADHD. Even if this is the eventual diagnosis, the behaviour needs to be addressed separately - and urgently. Being diagnosed with any neurodevelopmental disorder is no excuse for cruel behaviour.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 19/04/2017 00:02

I agree. I don't know of any test where harming defenceless animals is a recognised symptom. Except psychopathy.

AirandMungBeans · 19/04/2017 00:07

The child clearly has some complex issues that need to be dealt with and sadly it seems that your partner is not willing to see that. Think about yours and your daughter's future. She doesn't deserve to be around that as he gets older. In a few years he'll be a lot bigger and stronger. Also, if you and your partner have a child together, how will his eldest react, given that he can be so cruel to a kitten. It's not a risk I would be willing to take I'm afraid.

FrancisCrawford · 19/04/2017 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings · 19/04/2017 07:24

Yes this behaviour needs attention but throwing diagnostics and dim outlooks is totally inappropriate. I know a kid very well who exhibited similar behaviour at that age. He was even thrown out of his nursery! He was a handful that's for sure but it actually got better as he got older and he is now a very balanced if still very headstrong 18yo about to take his A levels and doing well. Never been in trouble with authorities.

His child could have some serious issues or not time will tell. What you need to consider is whether you are prepared to bring you OH in your life with the acceptance that one of his child is not perfect and having him in your life is likely to be hard work or do you choose to be honest with yourself and admit that you want your OH and his good kid bur not the other in which case do them all a favour and walk out.

Lweji · 19/04/2017 07:34

Never been in trouble with authorities.
Many serial killers aren't. Wink

Most people as they grow up realise that their behaviour is socially unacceptable. At least in public.

swingofthings · 19/04/2017 09:09

He is showing no signs of such tendencies. He is a life guard during weekends and holidays and been so for 2 years now and no attempt to drown anyone!

There is a difference between a kid who gets a kick out of tantalising/ scaring others and actually doing intentional harm.

Not saying that this kid doesn't need attention from experts but I hate how strangers think it is ok to make drastic assumptions about the future of kids when they know nothing about them.

SuperBeagle · 19/04/2017 09:13

Many serial killers aren't.

Exactly. This is why so many go undetected for so long.

SuperBeagle · 19/04/2017 09:15

He is showing no signs of such tendencies. He is a life guard during weekends and holidays and been so for 2 years now and no attempt to drown anyone!

And Ted Bundy worked on a suicide hotline.

Most psychopaths are drawn to professions or hobbies that involve their ego being stroked. Doing a job which "helps" other people 1) looks good for them, and 2) enables them to have an element of control over people that you don't get being a cashier or librarian or whatever else.

Lweji · 19/04/2017 09:15

swingofthings

You'll be one of those people saying "but he was such a nice quiet man" in interviews.
Grin

SuburbanRhonda · 20/04/2017 09:03

I hate how strangers think it is ok to make drastic assumptions about the future of kids when they know nothing about them.

Many of us strangers work with children with behaviour issues and with the professionals who offer a diagnosis.

In the vast majority of cases, early intervention is key and not just because it enables access to the right support at the right time.

*Let's just give it a few years and see how it pans out" doesn't work when a child is struggling to know how to behave with others and to be educated.

swingofthings · 20/04/2017 11:41

If every kid that exhibits threats of violence without going ahead with the threat turned out to become a serial killer there wouldn't be many people alive!

As most experts know there is a big gap between threats and acting on them. For some threats will indeed be a warning but not for the majority. So yes maybe that kid is a bomb ready to explode or not and being labeled as a child who will end up cruel and dangerous at this stage is in my view uncalled for.

Atenco · 20/04/2017 13:10

whether you are prepared to bring you OH in your life with the acceptance that one of his child is not perfect

not perfect is a huge understatement, especially considering the father's indifference and the fact that the OP has a young daughter.

Planned deliberate cruelty is so very different from thoughtless cruelty.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 23/04/2017 10:10

Leave this relationship now. Right now. Today.

MeridianB · 24/04/2017 18:28

Wow. Totally agree it's a very serious issue and if his dad won't address it, it will only get worse and more dangerous for your daughter (and his little brother, and others) potentially. Time to say goodbye.

juneau · 24/04/2017 18:37

He sounds like a psychopath in the making, tbh, and I wouldn't have him in my house, around my pets, or my DC if it were me.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether this relationship will ever go anywhere. You can't take things any further until his DC have left home, but when will that be? Many 20-somethings these days continue to live at home while they get started with their careers so are you prepared to wait for 20 years?