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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner's son is cruel to my pets

77 replies

Yorkshiiiire88 · 18/04/2017 17:24

I've been with my partner for 2 years and he has two little boys aged 5 and 7. I have a 10 year old daughter. We don't live together.

Initially it was fun to go for the odd day out but as we all spend more time around each other, particularly at my house, the behaviour of my partner's eldest son is more and more unsettling. The younger one is a bit naughty but in more of a cheeky playful way and that's fine. The older child is malicious.

Any room he walks into he will pick up 'a weapon'. We went to a party and he picked up a glass bottle and waved it in another kid's face. A woman took it from him but he picked if straight back up. He did the same thing to my cat with a dinner knife. I also walked into the room this weekend and he had piled books, ornaments and other things onto my little kitten and was waving his hands in her face (I'd left them alone for less than a minute). I've seen him hiss at my cats, kick at them and generally tease them and be cruel. He tried to force feed my cat a shell and at a petting farm this weekend he tried to trick a donkey into eating a rock by hiding it in some food. I hate that sort of thing and Ive made it very clear to his dad its unacceptable. He tells him off but he has a 'boys will be boys' attitude to it. He's also got all of the cats food and dumped it in the litter tray. He's never sorry.

He's rude to me, ignores me when I ask him to stop doing things and is generally obnoxious. Every time he comes over he breaks something and it's always something belonging to my daughter. He bullies his little brother who is very sweet and he lies and manipulates situations.

I'm finding the situation hard. I love my partner and I've grown close to the younger child but as far as the 7 year old goes after the knife incident and him hurting the kitten I don't want him at my house, I don't even want to be around him and I don't want him around my daughter or pets.

I want to settle down. I'm starting to wonder if that will be possible when I can't imagine being able to live with my partner until the child is grown up. Thoughts? There are numerous other incidents but all pretty similar.

OP posts:

P1nkP0ppy · 18/04/2017 18:52

Something's seriously wrong with that child. Reminds me of a boy at my junior school who tortured cats as a 10 year old, raped a four year old little girl when he was 12 and was in prison by the time he was 19.
Clearly his DF isn't interested in doing anything, the boy's very serious trouble.
Walk away.

ScarlettFreestone · 18/04/2017 18:59

He targets those smaller than himself?

I would suspect that the only reason he hasn't targeted your DD so far is that she's bigger than him.

In the next three years or so that's likely to change. He's already breaking her things. What happens when he's taller and stronger than her?

Unless you are a particularly tall woman he'll also probably pass your height in his early teens.

Something to think about.

SuperPug · 18/04/2017 18:59

I hate the term "boys will be boys" - that would be the walking away for me, the complete lack of not recognizing that behaviour and doing something about it.
I cannot see how he wouldn't move beyond animals once he gets bored with that and I would leave, I'm afraid.

Lweji · 18/04/2017 19:00

I have to agree with everyone else. It's very worrying and more so for the future of your relationship that his dad doesn't address it.
Protect your pets and your daughter. And yourself too. When he grows up you could become his victim as well.

Msqueen33 · 18/04/2017 19:00

Have you ever watched the tv show dexter? He was a serial killer but started off harming animals. Huge red flag. If his father doesn't get him help you need to leave. You don't live together thankfully but this would be a nightmare.

SuperPug · 18/04/2017 19:00

Ah sorry OP, realise he didn't say boys will be boys.

AmysTiara · 18/04/2017 19:03

Sorry but your partner is a prick. He needs to be a parent ffs

GeillisTheWitch · 18/04/2017 19:03

Im adding to the chorus of get the hell out of that relationship. You'll regret it if you don't. His father sounds like a useless twat, no wonder the kid is a little shit if he gets no consequences.

HecateAntaia · 18/04/2017 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nospringflower · 18/04/2017 19:08

Well, he is a 7 year old child who's parents have split up. It is clear he is unhappy and his Dad isn't recognising it but I think calling him a psychpath is a bit much at this stage!

ExplodedCloud · 18/04/2017 19:12

I agree that it's not something you can afford to gloss over. He needs a parent to recognise that it isn't normal and not what boys are like.

Lweji · 18/04/2017 19:17

Nospringflower
You should read this and more:

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/is-your-child-a-psychopath-study-reveals-the-warning-signs-and-how-early-you-can-spot-them-10497750.html

This boy is showing traits, as far as the description goes. It his parents do nothing, it will probably get worse, whatever the cause.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/04/2017 19:26

The lying, the breaking things, the being mean to his brother are nasty behaviours.

Being rude to you is awful because it shows a complete lack of respect.

But the repeated sickening behaviour towards defenceless pets and other animals is really dreadful. It's disturbing and it's a massive concern.

I would never stay, because if the dad is not prepared to get on top of the behaviours in the top 2 of my points then point 3 will never be resolved.

Walk away.

Nospringflower · 18/04/2017 19:28

It is one trait of many and I agree he needs someone to respond and intervene in a positive way. Still think there's a long way to go before he is a psychopath. I do agree that the dad needs to up his parenting anyway.

witwootoodleoo · 18/04/2017 19:29

If your partner can't see that his child is messed up and needs professional help then he's not the kind of man you want to build a future with and have around your DD

Atenco · 18/04/2017 19:42

Some children can be unintentionally cruel to animals because nobody has yet taught them to think of the animals feelings, but this is in a totally different category. If I were his father I would be very worried and seeking professional help for him.

Bellaposy · 18/04/2017 19:45

God that is really troubling. Red flags, red flags everywhere. What will he be like she he's older, stronger etc. Especially with having a daughter, horrible to say but I'd run for the hills. If your partner doesn't see anything wrong with what you've told us it's very, very troubling.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/04/2017 19:47

I'd walk away without a doubt. There's no way I'd have a boyfriends kid like that near my kids or pets.. Mine (or close family, best friend etc) I'd have to deal with, a boyfriends...no way.

Original poster

Yorkshiiiire88 · 18/04/2017 19:49

Hey, thanks for taking the time to read through and respond.

My partner knows the child has issues. They're being looked into but according to him the doctors and psychologists involved don't have a formal diagnosis yet. He's not dismissive of the fact there are problems it's just that the specific things I've mentioned don't seem to alarm him the way they do me and sometimes he does blame it on the fact he's a boy. I've spoken to him tonight and stated that he's not to be around my pets or daughter. He's taken it on board and says he hopes his son makes progress.

I wouldn't even consider living with him (too much of a risk with my cats and daughter) until his kid has grown up and has left home. My daughter will obviously be grown up by then too. Anyway that's years off. I just wanted to post to get another perspective in case I was overreacting. The response I've had has demonstrated that I'm not on my own in being hugely concerned and that has brought about a conversation with the dad.

OP posts:

QuestionableMouse · 18/04/2017 19:53

Kid needs help. I'd be contacting his school, and sitting down for a series talk with DH if I was in your situation. Bar him from your house. Show your DH this thread. It might make him take the situation more seriously before his son really hurts someone.

ScarlettFreestone · 18/04/2017 20:26

He blames it on being a boy York? Does that mean he behaved that way as a child?

expatinscotland · 18/04/2017 20:31

' I've spoken to him tonight and stated that he's not to be around my pets or daughter. He's taken it on board and says he hopes his son makes progress.'

Oh, c'mon! It's been 'looked into'? I'm with Stewie here, I'd report this to SS. This child needs a lot of help and his father sounds like he CBA'd. Thing is, how can you trust your partner that his son has 'made progress' and safe to have round your child and your pets when he's so laid-back about such a serious issue? You really can't have this child round yours and your pets, but you've moved to hanging round your house a lot and you're taking on quite a bit of childcare. Are you really just going to cut this off?

SuburbanRhonda · 18/04/2017 20:39

You don't need a diagnosis - your DP needs to start addressing this behaviour right now.

Original poster

Yorkshiiiire88 · 18/04/2017 21:10

Call social services and say what, though? I've never had any dealings with them so I don't know what they would do. The school have regular meetings with his parents because of the kid's behaviour. The GP is arranging tests and talking about medication. I don't know if SS would help.

We've not started hanging around the house a lot or sharing childcare. We both work and we keep the kids separate mostly (until recently and that was in short bursts). My daughter's dad is very involved with her and my partner's kids go to their mum's a lot. It's only been this Easter that my daughter and I spent a prolonged amount of time with him and the kids. We usually either meet up when we're free or meet to go and do a specific activity with the kids. Behavioural issues aren't as obvious when you're swimming/at the park etc. The rudeness has been ongoing but alone it wasn't enough to ring alarm bells. The breaking stuff was naughty but again, not bad enough. Teasing the cats always bothered me but I thought it was fixable. When a kid comes over for an hour you onky get a glimpse of the bad behaviour. Over Easter is when the other stuff happened and then I put everything together and panicked.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 18/04/2017 21:37

You are not panicking.

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