Who is out of order here?

[Dollyparton3]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible. 3 things in the space of one evening majorly hacked me off on Saturday:-

We had a big Family BBQ, got gourmet burgers for DSS and DSD (not the cheap stuff, all the toppings, pulled pork etc) and a couple of their friends who they had over in the afternoon. No special occasion for anyone, just wanted a nice family day.

Just before stepkids friends were about to arrive, OH was being helped by his dad to do a bit of DIY that we wanted to do before everyone got there, I was in the kitchen with his mum sorting out food, I overhear the following "DAD, what is wrong with you? WHEN I SPEAK I EXPECT YOU TO ANSWER ME, I DONT CARE IF YOU'RE BUSY, YOU'RE JUST RUDE." this goes on "It would be courteous of you to answer when I speak rather than tell me to shutup"

Now at this point I should add, all DH had said was "can you just hold on a second please darling as Grandpops and I need to get this sorted before people arrive, I'll talk to you in a second." He hadn't told her to shut up, I'd heard both sides and this is pretty much a transcription.

Fast forward to a couple of hours later, we cook and serve all the teen's food first, then we made the adults food - lamb that someone else had bought and a few salads.

As we sit down to dinner, DSD walks in and says to my OH "that's out of order, you've got better food than us, you never told me you had all that, can't believe you palmed me off with the shitty kids food. give me some of that"

So other half explains that she was fed at the same time as her friends so she can wait to see if there is any left after we've all eaten if she wants some"

DSD screams out "NO! you can give me some of yours, you're so out of order not telling me you've got that, you're just so bloody selfish saving all of that for yourself"

A few hours later and a couple of more gins for me because I'm about to blow my top, DSS is messing around on his bike and catches DSD's toe as he spins round in the street. DSD comes back into the house, OH gets her a plaster. She disappears upstairs. 10 mins she returns downstairs saying "I took the plaster off because it was annoying me by the way"

OH:- but your foot is still bleeding
DSD: yeah, I can't help it
OH: so have you got blood upstairs on the carpet
DSD: probably - I can't help it can I? It's not my fault my bro ran over my foot - stop having a fit about it

As I watched OH walk off with a bottle of 1001 carpet cleaner and a cloth up the stairs I had to leave the room and sit in the garden to calm down.

Eventually I went to bed early at 10Pm as I couldn't bear to be around her any longer. Or him for that matter (lets not reserve the fury for the stepchild) I think it was the drops of blood that had been left by both of them on the bathroom floor that I'd properly scrubbed that morning to make it spotless for our guests that made it worse!

The next morning I told OH exactly what I though of him for allowing his daughter to speak like that, he agreed but his daughter has been so out of order to him so many times that he's worried about standing up to her in case she stops visiting again. (she has a habit of manipulating both mum and dad. )

So, who is out of order here?

1. the daughter for being repeatedly rude and disrespectful
2. the dad for not putting her firmly in her place
3. me for not telling both of them to get over it and be pleasant to each other and her to be respectful to her elders (we've talked about this before by the way but I get too annoyed to keep my cool with either of them)
4. Grandparents who are innocent bystanders but then said "she just wants some attention" when I looked at them and said "seriously?" the first time DSD kicked off. They then told OH the same. This makes me think it's me who is out of order hence me asking.

second rate food

What bullshit.....

You gave teens the first food serving of something decent which they all liked... by the sounds of it you made a real effort to make it "cool" with all the different topppings etc. You allowed them to have mates over and they all had the same without having to eat with their grown ups.

You then had something different and ate with the other adults.
Big fucking deal.

Agree with prev posters who say the food is only mentioned as she's a step.

OP - it's the SD and the DP who are the problem. Dp needs to stand up to her or she will just get worse. I got this through to my DP by telling him his Dd would end up lonely and friendless if he didn't show her the correct way to behave... admittedly she was 8 at the time and not a teen but that slant helped him see.

Really feel for you though. She sounds vile

Thanks howto - this is the latest in a series of blow ups with her needing to be prioritised over anyone else, she ruined Christmas, she destroyed my holiday last year, I've said for Halloween I'm booking a spa trip for one and going without the lot of them!

She is a madam. But I think some of the posters on here want me to give her first choice of food next time I cook for fear of offending her.

She has no more right to not be "offended" than any other member of your household. Couldn't agree more with Wanna that if you took the step element out of it you'd have plenty of sympathy and probably even been told that her poor behaviour is a reflection on you as the adults in the family for putting up with it and enabling her entitled attitude and shocking lack of manners.

As there IS the step element and you're not actually responsible for what she does (beyond protecting your home, which is your right to do), and your DP seems resigned to being her doormat, all you can do is gently remove yourself from as many of the situations that might kick off as possible.

Sure, who knew that catering a BBQ for your DSC and their friends would out you in the firing line?! But there you go, we live and learn.

It doesn't have to be a dramatic change but I'd gently bow out of holidays with them and do a bit more for yourself. Next time there's a BBQ or a special meal, let DP liaise with the DC on what they want and leave him and them to it if they choose not to listen, then abuse the options in front of them, and then berate their father for being less than a sodding mindreader and full time butler to them. I know you haven't weighed in this time, very sensible, but it's aggravating and probably puts a dampener on your weekends so by all means make your general feelings known to your DP but otherwise leave them to it.

Your dsd behaviour is your business it's your home fgs, that said your dp needs to step up as being disrespected in my home, or a regular bad atmosphere would be a deal breaker for me

She sounds very rude (my teenagers can get like that too, and often need a firm reminder to speak to us decently!)

I think feeding them burgers first and then having 'adult' food later was not on. Even though you had your reasons, to them it would've felt like you were treating them like children, feeding them cheaper food etc. So you've made a big mistake here, and it probably contributed to a lot of the attitude you received.

The SD needs to be pulled up on her attitude.

You need to also show them a little bit more respect, treat them like adults and in return expect more adult behaviour from them.

Gosh....I've just read some of your updates OP, you really dislike your SD don't you?

I understand your dh's concern.

DSS was a very well mannered, kind, lovely child and teen. DH and I never had a cross word to say to him, really, and we all got along beautifully.

There was a situation two years ago where he'd made a very poor decision, harming quite a lot of people but mostly himself. DH and I were very upset about it. We both told him how we felt - reasonably, although DH did raise his voice for the first time ever at him - and we haven't seen him since.

He went back to his mum's and never came back.

It's easy enough to say that your DSD should be 'put firmy in her place' when it's not really an issue for you whether she disappears for good or not.

I think parents of children with another home to go to are in a very difficult position, especially if the other parent isn't prepared to support contact.

I don't dislike her at all Justspeak, I dislike the behaviours that she displays from time to time towards not just my OH but her entire family. But I don't voice these to anyone but my OH and on here. So please don't make me out to be a monster.

If you read other posts you'll also see how supportive I've been of her and how far I go out of my way for her on occasions. Its not one way traffic here.

Cannot believe that a lot of replies are concerned with the type of foodstuff and not the deplorable attitude/manners of the stepdaughter.

At 16, if she isn't 'happy' with a particular food she is surely old enough to articulate that in a polite (or even slightly less rude) manner. And particularly in front of others - sounds like she enjoys an audience.

DH needs to address the appalling manners and attitude immediately.

I do not think it is acceptable for ANYONE, related or not , to speak to you and your DP like that.
She will soon run out of friends if she behaves like that when she is annoyed. Does your DP realise that ?

"Gosh....I've just read some of your updates OP, you really dislike your SD don't you?" well, if my DS spoke to anyone like that within my earshot I think I would dislike him and he's mine.

I've read some of the replies and can't believe that gourmet burgers with toppings like pulled pork is considered second class food. Dss requested it and she ate it (plus seconds). It sounds like you couldn't have done right. If you'd said no to burgers and cooked lamb for everyone then dss would have the hump and if you'd cooked cooked for everyone simultaneously then she'd be annoyed at waiting too long.

The blood is weird. If my kids did that then they'd be the ones scrubbing.

Dad and dsd are in the wrong imo. (Grandparents are bystanders like you with little power to discipline)

Update on burgergate

Barbecue arranged for Sunday of this week. Asked DSD first what she wants me to buy, said she can have whatever she wants. Her reply? "Burgers please"

Me: oh? No lamb? Chicken? I'm going to the good butcher tomorrow so will get whatever you fancy.
DSD : no those burgers you got last time were yummy.

I rest my case.

Update on burgergate

Barbecue arranged for Sunday of this week. Asked DSD first what she wants me to buy, said she can have whatever she wants. Her reply? "Burgers please"

Me: oh? No lamb? Chicken? I'm going to the good butcher tomorrow so will get whatever you fancy.
DSD : no those burgers you got last time were yummy.

I rest my case.

1, 2 and 4.

She sounds horribly entitled. Which I think happens quite a bit with SC. Not helped by NRP's who roll out the red carpet for contact and RP's who don't support regular, 'normal' contact with the other parent.

Any of the DC / DSD in this house would have been sent to their rooms for that behaviour regardless of the presence of friends / grandparents. They wouldn't behave like that though because they're well aware!

We regularly feed children before adults at BBQ's with a stack of hot dogs / burgers / corn on the cob and leave them to do their own thing while the adults eat. Never had a kid or a teen complain, actually they're usually thrilled. I'd be mortified if my own did and bemused if anyone else's did.

Depending what your contact circs (unless you're very new on the scene or contact is very infrequent) I think you had every right to discipline in her in your home for being extremely rude about the food you had cooked her. I wouldn't hesitate to discipline my DSD in such circumstances and I know I would have the full support of my DH and her Mum. She just wouldn't behave like that though. It's never been allowed at either home.

This is party a DSD problem and partly a DH problem, possibly GP problem too. I really don't think it's your problem. As a PP poster has suggested, try and develop a "not my monkeys not my circus" attitude. At 16 it's unlikely things will change in the near future

I do hope you pointed out how incredibly rude she was last time you gave her " yummy " burgers.

I can't believe you gave her the option again! After her performance I'd be offering smart price sausages until she learns basic manners!

Sounds like a normal areshole teen.
I have one. They are wonderful
I had arsehole DSS teen before my own DS teen so was some what prepared.

In your DHs defense I also suck it up sometimes. Drives my BF bonkers but its not always a battle worth fighting. It does not mean I condone their arsehole behaviour its just that I dont want to spend the next 3 hours focusing on it for arsehole teen to still be in the right (in their eyes)

To be fair I really only asked her to appease the burger police on here that suggested I'd served a 3rd world meal last time whilst tucking into my lamb.

So let's see what today brings. The boyfriend is here so I'm hoping for minimal diva outbreaks.

'Burger police' 😂😂

Good luck OP hope it's a calmer bbq

Your DSCs are rude and your DP is a doormat.

Exactly like mine. However the dynamics are pretty set and... change? Unlikely.

I think you did the right thing by drinking wine...

Oh and possibly just getting drunk and being even more of a doormat than your DP - 'Oh is your dinner not right I am SO sorry... please let me cook you another or just have my plate... '

Only I tried this and no one could see the funny side?

Strange that.

Your OH for being such a passive parent for so long that the upshot is his children have become spoilt and rude. This will impact negatively on their own lives. So your OH really has done them a disservice

In fairness, adolescence can be difficult time for behaviour, so at least some of your dsd's unacceptable behaviour may be down to that.

There is a book by Charlie Taylor, called Divas and Doorslammers, where he says that, during adolescence, children's brains restructure or rewire, and that, whilst this is happening, they can lose some abilities - like empathy, emotional control (particularly temper) or the ability to see how your actions affect other people. He describes it as almost a kind of temporary brain damage - but it is temporary.

I went through this particularly badly with ds3 - there were times where I was at my wits' end with him - but he did come out the other side of it, and was more empathetic, kind, well behaved and much better able to control his temper.