Who is out of order here?

[Dollyparton3]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible. 3 things in the space of one evening majorly hacked me off on Saturday:-

We had a big Family BBQ, got gourmet burgers for DSS and DSD (not the cheap stuff, all the toppings, pulled pork etc) and a couple of their friends who they had over in the afternoon. No special occasion for anyone, just wanted a nice family day.

Just before stepkids friends were about to arrive, OH was being helped by his dad to do a bit of DIY that we wanted to do before everyone got there, I was in the kitchen with his mum sorting out food, I overhear the following "DAD, what is wrong with you? WHEN I SPEAK I EXPECT YOU TO ANSWER ME, I DONT CARE IF YOU'RE BUSY, YOU'RE JUST RUDE." this goes on "It would be courteous of you to answer when I speak rather than tell me to shutup"

Now at this point I should add, all DH had said was "can you just hold on a second please darling as Grandpops and I need to get this sorted before people arrive, I'll talk to you in a second." He hadn't told her to shut up, I'd heard both sides and this is pretty much a transcription.

Fast forward to a couple of hours later, we cook and serve all the teen's food first, then we made the adults food - lamb that someone else had bought and a few salads.

As we sit down to dinner, DSD walks in and says to my OH "that's out of order, you've got better food than us, you never told me you had all that, can't believe you palmed me off with the shitty kids food. give me some of that"

So other half explains that she was fed at the same time as her friends so she can wait to see if there is any left after we've all eaten if she wants some"

DSD screams out "NO! you can give me some of yours, you're so out of order not telling me you've got that, you're just so bloody selfish saving all of that for yourself"

A few hours later and a couple of more gins for me because I'm about to blow my top, DSS is messing around on his bike and catches DSD's toe as he spins round in the street. DSD comes back into the house, OH gets her a plaster. She disappears upstairs. 10 mins she returns downstairs saying "I took the plaster off because it was annoying me by the way"

OH:- but your foot is still bleeding
DSD: yeah, I can't help it
OH: so have you got blood upstairs on the carpet
DSD: probably - I can't help it can I? It's not my fault my bro ran over my foot - stop having a fit about it

As I watched OH walk off with a bottle of 1001 carpet cleaner and a cloth up the stairs I had to leave the room and sit in the garden to calm down.

Eventually I went to bed early at 10Pm as I couldn't bear to be around her any longer. Or him for that matter (lets not reserve the fury for the stepchild) I think it was the drops of blood that had been left by both of them on the bathroom floor that I'd properly scrubbed that morning to make it spotless for our guests that made it worse!

The next morning I told OH exactly what I though of him for allowing his daughter to speak like that, he agreed but his daughter has been so out of order to him so many times that he's worried about standing up to her in case she stops visiting again. (she has a habit of manipulating both mum and dad. )

So, who is out of order here?

1. the daughter for being repeatedly rude and disrespectful
2. the dad for not putting her firmly in her place
3. me for not telling both of them to get over it and be pleasant to each other and her to be respectful to her elders (we've talked about this before by the way but I get too annoyed to keep my cool with either of them)
4. Grandparents who are innocent bystanders but then said "she just wants some attention" when I looked at them and said "seriously?" the first time DSD kicked off. They then told OH the same. This makes me think it's me who is out of order hence me asking.

OP says DSS asked for the burgers again, not DSD.

Period accident unavoidable

Taking a plaster off a cut that is still bleeding (because it's annoying) is purposely damaging carpets

Purpleprincess24 has nailed burgergate - that's exactly what happened. There was no ageism intended with the food, it was totally intended to be an equal opportunities BBQ

She's way too old to get away with that shit at 16. A 12 year old struggling with hormones, maybe. A 16yr old behaving like that is disgraceful.

She's 16 she's not a child. She didn't pick the burgers, according the OP her brother did and she was given them.

Teens are rude she shot off at the mouth. Her dad was dealing with her - I don't understand why the OP is getting so het up about it.

OP, you'd be better off to step back, disengage and let her dad continue to sort it out.

If you can't live with the way he is choosing to deal with her to the extent it's pushing you to more drink than you would be comfortable with and driving you to bed upset, then perhaps you and your DH should sit down with someone like a counsellor to work through why you feel so annoyed.

Leaving period blood on the floor of the bathroom when there are cleaning wipes clearly on the top of the shelf unit where the tampons and towels are is avoidable in my book.

DearMr my 7yo knows better than to behave like that, at 16yo she should have better decorum

Usernumber 16 is a child! Unless she's buying, preparing and cooking the food herself she has no right to speak to anyone like that.

Her dad wasn't dealing with her user though, that's the point. Neither were her grandparents.

If she had been sensible she could have asked when the burgers were served what else we had to eat. But no, she wolfed those down then decided to get the arse because she didn't think for herself.

I'm not sure we need a counsellor, just a pair of balls for my other half

Well, you are certainly very angry with her.

Good luck sorting it all out though - I personally would step back and let her parent continue to deal with it, as he has been, whether you disagree or not she's not your child and her dad was doing what he felt appropriate.

It's not as if he asked you to go and clean up the blood. He went and cleaned it. He did speak to her when she was pestering him and he explained to her about the burgers.

My god your DSD is a brat and your OH is a doormat.
This.

OP you did so well not to lose your shit. Its not your place to parent the SC but equally your DH needs to put his foot down. If that means his brat of a DD doesnt come round then so be it.

Him and thw DD's mum need to talk and be on tje same page or she'll have their lives for years.

Thank you user. I asked who was out of order and you think it's me.

I won't say if I agree or disagree as I've gone onto a public forum and asked for opinions but thank you for your input

Thanks maisypops. Not losing my shit was all I could think of! Hence the long walk round the tiny garden

Look. Your DH is parenting her in a way you don't approve of.

She's his daughter, she's almost grown up. Does she live with you full time or is it an every other weekend half the holidays kind of gig?

Either way, her dad is involved and is parenting her the way he sees as appropriate.

You have two choices

Learn to live with it with a good grace somehow (because you weren't happy and went to the gin then early bed). I don't think an adult modelling behaviour of "I am not happy therefore and early bed" is particularly great, no.

Or

Get outside input to help you and him negotiate a joint strategy and a compromise of some sort.

But this, what you have at the minute, clearly isn't working as it's pissing you off and he doesn't appear to want to change how he parents her (and yes, his reason is that he's afraid she won't visit - he clearly loves her and doesn't want this and is prepared to tolerate quite a lot in terms of behaviour to make this happen)

:o at the burger option being second class. Utterly ridiculous, wishy-washy shite.

If my children spoke to anyone like that the would get a metaphorical boot up their arses.

She was totally out of order and you did well to stay quiet.

Francis that's as maybe but the op was not there for the first conversation, it was overheard, the lamb thing I can kind of see DSD point esp since it was DSS who wanted the burgers, not her, her dad was there and did speak up and tell her she had to wait and the blood her dad went to clear up.

I can't believe the OPs getting a hard time for offering her DSD burgers but lamb! Since when is it ok to kick off and be rude about the food you're given by your parents, even if you would rather have something else??

DSD sounds like a spoilt brat who is old enough to know better. DP is bu for not dealing with her and letting her get away with it.

but is it not correct that I should be allowed to speak up when I feel someone is getting treated badly in our house? I'd do the same if it was DSS vs DSD so is this different because I'm a step mum?

Personally I think that being made to clear up after yourself is a life skill. We're not all out here on a Lily pad for others to worship so it's just as bad to not pick her up on it as it is to run round after her with 1001 and a cleaning sponge.

Sorry I wrote that before I saw your post violet

Dolly you think that - and you're entitled to think that and that's your opinion. (that's not a snark comment - you have every right to have your standards normal disclaimers re abuse etc which you don't appear to be doing - again not a snark comment) The problem you have is that your DH doesn't think like that and he is happy to parent in a different way.

I dont' know how often you and he have sat down and thrashed stuff like that out but I really think an outsider would help because they could help you reach a compromise.

I'm amazed at attitude that
a)she's not a child - yes she most certainly is.
b) OP should tolerate brattiness when it is OP has prepared and offered the food
c) thought she's being treated as a second class citizen because she didn't get the lamb someone else brought.

It's excusing rudeness like this that encourages entitlement. She is not entitle to be rude and ungrateful for food someone else has bothered to cook and provide for her.
Yes mine (well maybe two of them) learned the hard way that if they are rude, ungrateful, spoilt brats about the food I have prepared and served it will most definitely go in the bin. It isn't a lesson that needs repeating in my experience.

And regardless of anything else, I wouldn't have pulled her up hard at a family occasion in front of grandparents and friends who are not family.

I would, if I felt I needed to, have pulled her up after the event and had a word about tone and attitude, but really, the OP's DH should be doing that all the time - we used to have a joke with my kids of "normal rules apply" when they were much younger, I made my expectations of behaviour clear and they knew what I expected at an event.

And if there was behaviour that I didn't like at that big teen age, I certainly wouldn't have pulled my kids up in public on it - that's humiliating at that age and likely to drive a big wedge, esp since the OP is a step mum and their dad had no issue with it, or at least not enough to speak to them about it.

Praise in public, reprimand in private at that age was what I did.

OP, IMO if you'd posted this anywhere but step parenting and had not mentioned that she was a DSD but if this situation had happened at someone else's house the responses would have been vastly different.

IMO if you take the fact she's a DSD out of the equation, the question could easily be "aibu to wonder how anyone allows their teenage child to speak to them like that?" Because I've heard people's teens speak to them in a way which, if my DS spoke to me like that I would come down on him like a ton of bricks, and have done when he's given me a mouthful of attitude. and can only be when the parents just tolerate it and explain it away under the "o she's stressed/just seeking attention/no not now sweetheart," excuse. With that kind of attitude it's easy to see how they grow up into teenage brats. The child has probably never been disciplined in her life.

As for second rate food.... come on. Let's be honest here, given most teenagers spend an awful lot of time (and money) in McDonalds/Burger King and the local dessert parlars lets not pretend that they were deprived of fancy lamb in favour of boring burgers which they didn't want. If she was observant enough to notice that the parents were eating something different then she is surely observant enough to have realised that she and her mates had eaten all the burgers so none of the adults got any.

I would ignore the attitude, but I absolutely would say something if she spoke to your DP like that again. If my DS spoke to me like that I have absolutely no doubt that my DP would say something. Just because she's someone else's child doesn't mean no-one else gets a say in how she treats people in their house.

And I would talk to your DP and ask him what he thinks your guests think of his spoilt brat of a daughter who speaks to adults like that. Because if I went to someone's house and their child spoke to them like that I'd have plenty of opinions on it when I got home - none of which would be positive towards the child or the supposed parent.