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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Promiscuous SD, any advice?

25 replies

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 08/04/2017 02:55

I don't know what to do, due to another issue which is ongoing we've found out DSD has been involved in 5 sexual relationships at age 15 within the last 6 months. Each has been a 'boyfriend' and she has declared love within days of meeting and it's gone straight from hi to sex. Can you give any advice on how to get her to slow stuff down? Or how to discuss it with her in a non judgemental way?

OP posts:

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 08/04/2017 04:05

The important things are that she keeps herself safe and they are taking precautions to avoid STDs and pregnancy. They are the things I would advise focusing on. It is hard not to judge teens or their friends but you must do exactly that- make it all about safety/health. That is what matters.

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 08/04/2017 05:14

Also, rather than focusing on stopping the sex (she's nearly 16 so soon she'll legally be able to sleep with whomever she chooses) why not focus on building her self-esteem. How old was she when her parents separated, maybe she hasn't had good relationships role-modeled.

daisychain01 · 08/04/2017 05:41

I'd try to influence your DP her Dad to talk with his Ex. The parents need to be at the forefront of this situation and all you can do is try to nudge things in the right direction. I wouldn't talk directly with your DSD unless you have a really high level of trust in your relationship, you're on a hiding to nothing.

Sexual activity at such a young age has been shown to have significantly negative outcomes over the longer term of that person's life. The later they leave it the better they do in studies, career and life in general. Linked to high self esteem.

Topnotes · 08/04/2017 06:05

Are the boyfriends the same age as her? I'd want to check there's not something sinister going on here. She is underage after all.

swingofthings · 08/04/2017 07:07

It is difficult to advice without more information. Are you SM or SD? Who does she live with? How did you find out? What's the overall relationship with SD? How is she doing at school, friends etc...

Ultimately, without info, I would say that mum and dad should get together to discuss and agree on how to deal with the matter and SP should stay away from it, but that's assuming neither have a bigger parenting role than usual.

swingofthings · 08/04/2017 07:08

arg, the mistake I would really tell my kids off for making! Advise, not advice!

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 07:17

I think unless she doesn't live with her mum then it would be her domian to talk to her rather than you and her DF.

Original poster

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 10/04/2017 02:05

This isn't a mum v's step mum issue, we've had a long discussion about it between ourselves. We have to deal with this as a family and be on the same page. I've known her since very young (not OW) and all is good, no hostilities, shared care throughout.

Just was hoping someone who had been through this could offer advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 10/04/2017 02:09

Also top, as far as the ones named go they are 15-17, so not adult or grooming. That was my first concern too

OP posts:

Gogglerox · 10/04/2017 09:24

I would be blunt with her and get straight to the point.
I remember my mum having a few loving but stern conversations with me at 14/15 years old after she found out some of my friends were sexually active. Certain parts of that conversation have stuck with me into my adult life too so she obviously did a good job being frank and honest with me.
I am very close with my mum though, and my parents were always open for discussions about sex - so I suppose the tactic you use depends on the dynamics of your relationship with SD.
Is she comfortable talking to you all about these topics?

The things my mother said to me - she didn't say "don't do it" she advised that sex is lovely and wonderful if it's with the right person. Respect your body and only share it with people who deserve it and care more about you than just having sex with you.
Also don't have sex with people to make them like you, it won't ever work.
And lastly - she was seriously blunt and said don't be a slut. You may think it's all fun and games but you don't want to earn yourself a bad reputation for being easy because if you don't respect yourself then no one else will either.
She said "Imagine a few years down the line, you meet a wonderful man who you would like to date properly and then you meet his friends and you've already slept with them, because that happens. And it can ruin otherwise great opportibities".
She was absolutely right.

Gogglerox · 10/04/2017 09:25

*opportunities

Gogglerox · 10/04/2017 09:26

And just to add... she had the exact same conversations with my brother too. Respect your body, respect other people.

Underthemoonlight · 10/04/2017 10:05

I'm sorry some conversations should take place with mum not SM and her father. I would be motified if they sat me down to discuss my sex life. I think your over stepping the mark unless she comes to you off her own back.

swingofthings · 10/04/2017 10:16

I agree, unless you have a very close relationship with her, and her mother doesn't mind talking to her about it, it wouldn't be appropriate for you to have that conversation with her.

You mention another issue? Use of phone? How did you find out about this to such level of detail? Does she know that you/parents know?

Gogglerox · 10/04/2017 10:33

Why exactly is dad not allowed to discuss this with his child???

Underthemoonlight · 10/04/2017 14:36

Because as a young girl it would be extremely embrassing for her dad to sit down and have a chat with her about her sexual health. Sometimes in life it's better certain things come from the approiate sex e.g mum for girls and dad for boys you wouldn't expect mum to have a chat to her son about wet dreams etc.

Gogglerox · 10/04/2017 15:35

I disagree, it depends on their relationship. Also this isn't a birds and bees chat, it's way beyond that and dad has a duty to monitor his DDs inappropriate behaviour just as much as mum.
It's gone beyond worrying about embarrassment - this child needs reigning in pronto.

Gogglerox · 10/04/2017 15:36

I don't understand this taboo about talking about sex within families, its much healthier for everyone to be open and honest about it

TiredofITall1 · 10/04/2017 16:58

dad for boys you wouldn't expect mum to have a chat to her son about wet dreams etc. Really? I'm with Goggle on this one.

I did and do talk about sex and porn and wet dreams (or did as and when they the situation needed) with my son and tbh when I found out he had been looking at porn I told him if he was mature enough to watch it then surely he was old enough to have a mature conversation with me about it.

It is not something I think that needs to be only mom for girls and dad for boys as in reality it is whoever can have a frank and honest conversation with sensitivity.

Also sometimes it can help, certainly with my DS I was able to say when he wanted to be sexually active with his girlfriend that it wasn't just the relationship its about how things should be private between the two of them. How would he feel if he knew that my DH was joking about our sex life with his mates? What about porn - would he want me objectified in that way etc.

If OP's DH has a good honest and strong relationship with his DD, he isn't going to stop her doing it but he may be able to guide her respecting herself and ensuring that she chooses people who will respect her also.

ApplePaltrow21 · 10/04/2017 17:01

the first thing you should do is get her on long term birth control. then discuss the sex. but the real issue is stopping a pregnancy.

Booboo27 · 10/04/2017 17:01

I started puberty when I was 9 and ended up having raging hormones as a young teenager. I was having sex by the time I was 14 but has been doing pretty much everything else from about the age of 12 with various different boys. I really wish that my mum had sat me down and discussed things with me openly as I definitely regret giving myself away so freely to any idiot who showed me a bit of attention.

HappCatt · 10/04/2017 17:10

I just try talking. I would try and tackle in from a practical point of view. 5 partners at that age in that time frame is pretty bad.
I'd address

NOT getting pregnant
std - she probably needs a test already
getting into a bad relationship - she can hardly know the boys
reputation/teasing - and, yes, I'd say the same of it were a boy . I'd ask her what she would think of other people who slept with so many partners in such a short time
social media, I'd double check with her that she isn't doing anything inappropriate on social media. Photos etc.
Drink/drugs. If she is in this much of a hurry to grow up might she be using drink or drugs

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 11/04/2017 00:04

has she had an STD check yet? Right now that would be at the top of the list.

I hope at least one of her bio parents have suggested she book an appointment with a family planning clinic? They can support her re contraception/health checks etc.

I'm surprised at people who think it should ONLY be the birth mum who has this conversation/talks to her....sex is NOT taboo or shameful so why make her feel like it is?
She might not feel comfortable about her dad being involved but guess what - if you want to act like an adult then be prepared to be treated like one.

Original poster

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 11/04/2017 02:08

Thanks to everyone for the helpful advice, yes we have discussed std check up, she is already on birth control due to irregular periods. I can't discuss the reason we found out but it came from police having her phone due to another matter

When I asked how to approach this, it wasn't in a I'll have the conversation myself way. Honestly I spent quite some time with her mum and we were both at a loss. I'm not trying to take her parents place in any way. But for those who asked yes we are very close and yes she does talk to me about personal stuff, I've always given full disclosure that if she ever tells me anything her parents need to know then I won't keep it a secret, if it's little stuff then yes

We have also looked at if counselling as it does seem to be a low self esteem issue

OP posts:

NotCitrus · 11/04/2017 08:19

Best advice I ever got as a teenager was "if anyone ever says 'if you loved me, you'd have sex with me', they don't love you. Someone who loves you wont pressure you and would want you to be 100% happy"

May be useful - indirect enough not to sound critical of her.

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