I just need a bit of help

[jojomumstepmum]

Hi,

I am so at a loss at the moment. The whole step parenting thing is getting on top of me. I have 3 of my own and my husband has 4. Is a headache at the best of times but now on of the step kids has said he doesn't want to be around me or my children. It hurts and when I try to talk to husband about it he turned it into my fault. Or said that I didn't want to be around them?
I have made so many suggestions for him to have 1 on 1 time with his kids and he hasn't done it. I don't know why. He downs recall them when he says he will, again I don't know why.
I am so angry with him and so hurt by what my step child has said. Not because of me but because of my beautiful children who just want to be happy.

I feel like I am failing when I am trying so hard. I cried about it tonight when I was brushing my teeth and my husband asked what I was crying about and I told him. Again he threw it back at me, I can't cry, i can't talk to him, I feel so alone. Please help me and give me some advice. Thank you.

Sorry for all the typos I am typing emotionally!!!

So sorry to hear, I can't think of anything helpful to say except that I understand far more than I wish I could. good luck, I know it is not easy.

You must feel an outsider in your tribe, yet as mum, wife and step mum you probably are trying your best and contributing the most.

Be kind to yourself. The usual advice is to detach. Plan to do something with your 3. Accept the stepchild doesn't like you at the moment - and draw a line so you can't be hurt so badly buy his offensive rudeness.

Is he a teen?

Dad is caught between you but he is naive to think such rudeness is ok. Point out to him that as parent he has a responsibility to protect his family and so he should be part of the solution and not contributing to the problem.

When the 4 next come, brazen it out and be strong. Many blended families struggle but it becomes good again for many, even after very stormy times. You are married. Maybe the relationship would benefit from some date nights? It is friggin hard, but marriages are worth working at.

Feel less hurt by the step child. They didn't choose you and might be a rude individual. Develop a hard skin. If he is older it might be just a teen thing. It might not be personal - perhaps he doesn't like shifting between homes and has randomly pointed his finger at a bit which is less satisfying (that he shares dad with you). And you can have a vision of the joy you might feel at your own teens heading the same way when they are teens.

I might have it wrong,so apologies if I am off the mark with the ages of the kids.

7 kids is a lot. It's going to be so hard. Over time it will get easier and the true joys are yet to come. Today is a fresh day. Have a lovely day. You are doing your best.

Some good advice there from DontMindTheStep. It really is not easy. I've been really down with it and have been reading a book by Wednesday Martin 'Stepmonster'. It's a bit American, but quite enlightening from a step mothers point of view and basically gives the view of 'it is hard, everyone finds it hard, give yourself a break' - which is what I needed to hear! (hence now joining this site - it's good to know it's not just you going through similar emotions!).
Bottom line is - give yourself a break. I bet you are doing the best you can.
I have one son (6) and two step sons (6 & 8). feel free to get in touch.
x

I have made so many suggestions for him to have 1 on 1 time with his kids and he hasn't done it. I don't know why. He downs recall them when he says he will, again I don't know why.

Sadly, it is your DH who has caused this issue. He won't spend 1-2-1 time with his DCs, and he doesn't call them when he says he will - is that right?
Of course, the DC's want to find someone to "blame" for the fact that their Dad is letting them down, and they are blaming you because it's easier for them to do that, than it is admit that their Dad is less than perfect.

Unless your DH steps up and does a better job as a parent, then you will always be the target of his DC's angry behaviour, even if, over time, they realise that he is to blame.

What are the issues? Is it that there is an issue between that child and one of yours and the child feel like you are backing up your child? Then your husband agree that you are being unfair?

Trying to guess from what you have written. Without knowing what your SC/OH accuse you/your child of, it's difficult to advise on what is best to do.

Thank you for all your messages.

First the 4 step children are due tomorrow so I feel very panicky today.

It is OH fault not seeing his kids and I am angry about it. It makes me see him in a different light and I don't want that either.

The child in question is 9 and I think influenced by his mum (who has another child with an ex husband who she has stopped the child of having any contact with). I have said though that he is craving attention, hugely. I just with OH had started this 1-2-1 time already.
The child in question has had issues with my 2 older daughters separately, he has just gone through us, both times he was just creating a situation, once it was because my 6 year old hung around him too much and wanted to play with him and if that happened any more he would come to our house?? She was just trying to be nice but he seems to like keeping control. He annoys the other kids even his 'real' older siblings and he feels like an outsider. This upsets me and I really try to include him and make sure they are fair at all times and choose activities that are focused on him. Not that it's made any difference. I just feel desperate.

What can I do? My husband is barely speaking to me now either. Xx

Why is your husband not speaking to you? What does he think you are doing wrong?

A 6 yo girl constantly in the way will be deemed extremely annoying for a 9yo boy, so what is fair is that he is kind and polite to her, but that his privacy should also be respected and she should be told to leave alone the first time he asks to be so.

Same if he is annoying the older kids. House rules should be made clear, and although agreed by both of you, should be delivered to the kids by their parents preferably and in advance of them being reminded of them after they failed them.

Oh dear. you need help to lift you out of this.
Try to calm today's anxiety. Take a bath, watch a comedy, have a glass of wine.

You are cross with your husband. Try to accept him as he is. Dig deep and find some love for him, some respect for the bits he gets right. Accept that you have a role to play in being his supporter. He has 4 children he sees part time and lives with your 3. He is bound to be dreading having all 7 this weekend, just the same as you! It's a lot for anyone. In addition, he might not agree with 'one to one time' as stated by you. He might not mind going off with one child to buy football boots, or to go to the dump with another, but maybe (like many of us) he digs his heels in when told he needs to do 1 to 1 time As Instructed.

Your husband does need to help the situation. This boy is 9 and should not be calling the shots. Your daughter aged 6 is undoubtably occasionally a pain to play with, but there should be a level of tolerance in the home.

In order to avoid a crisis, can you do something this weekend? Would a family of 9 pizza night work for you all? A bit of team building. Or can you take your 4 out for the day with you? Visit a friend maybe? Or have a friend have one two or four of yours for a few hours to break up the group.

I hope your house is big. Perhaps the problem is space. Can your stepchildren have some space which is theirs?

The issue I have is that the 9 year old always asks to play with the 6 year old and so it's very confusing to the 6 year old when I tell her to just leave him for a certain weekend. He has no problems with us when he is here, in fact he is the one who instigates the games and activities they do, he then goes home and his mum starts texting saying he isn't happy. When we talk to him he say "mum says..." so I have no idea if it is him or his mum?? Does that make sense. The whole situation is mixed up.

We have a 5 bedroom house so it's okay.
OH has now invited his parents round tomorrow too so it's just a bit of a nightmare and the whole situation will just be ignored as always.