Is my dp in the wrong or me

[flossyfloss]

I have 3 kids and work full time, have kids shared with ex dp, Been with current dp 2 years and he has no kids. My kids go to after school care all week. I had a chat with him a few weeks ago about him picking the kids up from school rather than childminder - saves money and gives him sometime alone with them to build the relationship.

It went ok for first couple of weeks but lately he says they moan and complain about things I.e what's for tea etc and he has a low tolerance for it.

Today I told him I have to work an extra hour one of the days he collects and he moaned and said "oh god so I've got 2.5 hours of moaning to enjoy - great!"

It really upset me, aibu? I think he should be using the time to build a relationship, he says I've got a cheek and it's "helping me out"

Am I being over sensitive?

Wow! Some of you are very harsh!

I don't "expect" him to look after my kids!

We had a long discussion about it and both of us agreed to trial 2 days per week!

Firstly we're saving for mortgage so the spare cash is going into that and secondly we're a family and I want the children to respect he is the other responsible adult in the house, particularly as my eldest will soon be at high school and she will be letting herself into the house during the day while he's there every day.

After your initial opinions we've discussed it and I've apologised and said he has a right to let off steam and I'll stop being sensitive, I also asked should we cut it down to one day but he says definitely not

And swing of things my kids are not a total nightmare! Actually they are quite well behaved they just have the odd bicker and moan and squabble like all siblings - my dp has no baseline to compare it to

Thanks where's the light

I will have a chat with them, that's a good idea

Initially I did explain to them they have to be good when dp collects them and they were excited to have a break from childminder twice a week so I think I will revisit that conversation

Flossy it is good that you are discussing it and that he is still keen to do the 2 days a week. I think the poster saying he was letting off steam is right and it seems that has been the issue from your update.

The Step forum is always a big of a lions den (like AIBU) and there will always be some who will attack you for making him look after your kids. But as you say you are a family and it needs to work and they need to respect him and he needs to get used to what being a parent can be like. Feel free to PM me if you need to!

Thanks so much! It has been good to hear both sides of comments - even the harsh ones haha!

I suppose what works for one family won't for another - I am an idealist so I do have rose tinted spectacles sometimes but I know what I want us to get to as a family and I'm happy that he moaned as it forced us to revisit the discussion and also helped me to be less sensitive and understand his view point more!

Sorry Flossy, I didn't mean to come across harsh at you, it was in response to other posters who were indicating that he was a terrible person for daring having a moan and should consequently be ridden of.

I think you've handled the situation perfectly well and indeed, it all comes down to not getting upset when he sometimes admits that looking after your kids is hard and that they are sometimes difficult, ie. normal children.

Remember that the way he feels about your kids will not be the same then the way you feel about them. Maybe a bit similar to looking after your nephew/niece. You love them, you want the best for them, you appreciate their company, but sometimes they act like little aliens, you don't really know how to handle them, and as such, looking after them regularly would be hard work.

Another child when he has yet to bond with the existing ones would be a disaster. Your children will have noticed he barely tolerates them and would feel even worse adding a new sibling to the mix.

It's a very rare step parent that can treat their own child and step children the same and children shouldn't ever be in the position of feeling second best.

He doesn't barely tolerate them? Where did I say that?

Rainbows Have we read the same thread? No were does the OP give any impression that her DP 'barely tolerates' her children. Are you projecting?

He hasn't got kids, he's not been used to looking after/entertaining them. He may be fond of them...but he hasn't got an unconditional feeling for them, as you do.....so basically he probably doesn't want to look after them! So...you have some thinking to do!

He does he has told me he wants to as he loves me and they're a part of me

Are some posters reading another thread?!

Right from the word go with my partner, I'd pick his children/my stepchildren if he was working. (Perhaps women are expected to muck in. Anyway it's what I did, and it did help the relationship to develop.)

They were 7 and 6. It seemed straightforward unless they'd had a bad day at school and were fractious. They'd tell me stuff on the walk home. I'd give them a snack. Usually they'd watch TV or play for a bit, while I made some tea.