Is my dp in the wrong or me

[flossyfloss]

I have 3 kids and work full time, have kids shared with ex dp, Been with current dp 2 years and he has no kids. My kids go to after school care all week. I had a chat with him a few weeks ago about him picking the kids up from school rather than childminder - saves money and gives him sometime alone with them to build the relationship.

It went ok for first couple of weeks but lately he says they moan and complain about things I.e what's for tea etc and he has a low tolerance for it.

Today I told him I have to work an extra hour one of the days he collects and he moaned and said "oh god so I've got 2.5 hours of moaning to enjoy - great!"

It really upset me, aibu? I think he should be using the time to build a relationship, he says I've got a cheek and it's "helping me out"

Am I being over sensitive?

Whoops sorry wrong thread!

But I do think it sounds as if this bloke is not cut out for parenting if he is moaning about this minor aspect of it.

I did wonder! I thought even for MN that was heavy handed for a step parenting thread!

Hi

Your dp needs to face reality!

Your alarm bells are ringing and you are doubting them......why?!

I think it's only right that you take full responsibility BUT when you are thinking that you are in a full partnership then you should not be getting negative vibes like this.

I think if he was saying it in a lighthearted way you wouldn't even be posting here.

He might not be cut out for parenting older kids single handedly right now. Doesn't mean he never will be.

I'm pretty rubbish with DPs 14yo at times. My eldest is 10. I have no experience with teens. DP can be pants with my two - he's used to an only child, not a gang of two bullies 😂 but we are getting there slowly. It's not an instant thing. Especially when younger without your own experiences yet.

The key for the OP is to talk to her partner. Honestly. And see what he's thinking and feeling.

Well....the things is, children do moan and the witching hour after school and before tea is not anyone's favourite time of day is it? I think you're a bit hopeful (perhaps even making an excuse?) to say you thought it would be time for them to build the bond. That's quite a lot of pressure to put on your partner, especially if he has no experience of children. You have basically chosen the time of day when the kids are going to be tired, cranky and hungry and asked him for The Sound of Music! Ask him if he'd mind having them but make it clear that you'd simply like him to spend time with them, be kind and keep them safe. Anything more is a bonus. Posters saying not to have children with him are a bit harsh IMO-patience and understanding of children and their behaviours comes from familiarity and from parental bonding. Give him time and let him bond with them over more enjoyable the activities. Sorry, that's a bit rambly but you get the point I hope OP

I've asked him and I suggested it was too much too soon in the deepend and he has said it's not and he doesn't agree and he sees my point and that he just struggles with techniques to deal with the moaning and complaining and he's happy to continue with two days per week.

I'm really not sure what expectations should be of a step parent and how much time it takes for them to take some parenting responsibility?

And I love hearing your opinions, my previous relationship was emotionally abusive for a very long time so I constantly second guess my expectations and sometimes I worry that I am too over defensive and very much a worrier because of my past

I feel terrible now that I've been too hard on him

He cleans every day and he has tea cooked and the kids fed uniforms ready for the next day by the time I come home

I sound terrible

Ah flossy it sounds like he was just sounding off, like we all do to each other. It sounds like he is trying, which is good.

I couldn't deal with that personally, The fact he is moaning about it when u have been together for 2 years and he's not ever been interested in striking up a relationship with your kids?That would really put me off of someone , When I met my husband I had two kids at the time, I told him we come as a package or not at all, he embraced them and they have a great bond. It would be a deal breaker for me.. I would definitely hold off ttc .

Just read your last post, My husbands relationship with the kids really strengthened after he took on the role of having them for short bursts whilst I was working, Hopefully his will too. He's just got to put the effort in.

It's really hard being step-parent, to a RP really bloody hard. I had oddles of childcare experience but no children of my own, and we took things very slowly, those early days of living together were hard. Two years is not very long in a relationship with children, how long have you actually been living together?

Those early days were all about learning how to live together and learning our new families boundaries and for me, (and I love my "step" children dearly) it was incredibly over whelming at times. I'd been living alone with cats, I had beautiful white things :) I suddenly had sticky hand prints and responsibilities now I wouldn't go back to that but it's difficult in the beginning as children push those boundaries big time, if things aren't clear about what he can or cannot do then he is going to feel like a fish out of water - you need to give him the tools (if you haven't already) so he learns how to do it :) and bonding over fun things so important.

I don't think anything you have said is necessarily a red flag he may feel completely out of his depth, you have to remember that you have grown with your children, you have had by the sounds of it at least five years to get to know them and learnt how to live with them, im sure when they arrived you didn't automatically know what to do. :) I doubt he does either.

Boundaries, DH & I being a solid team and google were key to our success I think :)

Rather than worry too much about whether he loves/likes them or not, your best bet is probably too help him find ways to deal with the behaviour he finds difficult on a practical level. If they're asking what's for tea, maybe they're hungry, so having something ready to give them might help. What do they normally do after school? Are they expecting interaction, or would they normally go off to their rooms or watch TV for a bit? If your DP has not previously watched you doing the after school childcare routine, and doesn't have his own kids he maybe isn't clear what he should be doing, or how to make it go smoothly. What level of moaning do you just consider normal kids behaviour, and what would constitute rudeness that they should be picked up on? What techniques do you have for dealing with moans? Is your DP allowed to react the same way? Does he feel confident to do so?

On the plus side, if your DC were not at ease with your DP i wouldn't have thought they would moan at him, do he/you must be doing something right

I always find it harder parenting my DSC than my own, mostly because i don't feel as confident telling them off, etc, which means bad behaviour just gets more annoying. And i was already a mum when i became a step parent, i think it must be harder if you're not a parent yourself yet.

On the plus side, if your DC were not at ease with your DP i wouldn't have thought they would moan at him, do he/you must be doing something right

This is very true :) once you get a full scale moan on your watch as a step-parent I think on some level you have finally made it :)

Have you thought about suggesting he has 1 at a time for a while? Maybe getting to know them separately on a 1 and 1 bases might help?

It's fine if he can't manage them all together for this amount of time. But I'd honestly stop ttc ad a baby will only make things harder for you all.

IMO the problem here is that you are trying to engineer this situation too much. It's fine to want your DC to build a relationship with your DP, and it's also (IMO) fine to want him to pick the kids up from school if he's at home. But creating situations in order for him to build a relationship with them is just too forced and isn't natural. Yes, the time he spends with the DC will certainly enhance their relationship, but this needs to come naturally, not in a forced or engineered way.

Also, MN has a bit of a double standard on this one. There are numerous posts on here from SM's who feel that they shouldn't be expected to look after their partner's children, and that the expectation to do so is in fact selfish. I don't agree with this FWIW, I think that while your children are your responsibility, if you want to enter into a relationship with someone who has children and want to be a family, then this needs to come with a level of involvement with those children's day to day lives. Anything else just leads to a disjointed setup which leads to further separation and resentment. However, MN does seem to agree that SM's shouldn't be expected to look after the DC if the parent isn't there, but with stepfathers the expectation seems to be different.

I don't think he's done anything wrong FWIW, other people's children are not the most attractive prospect after school, and he was just letting off steam. If it was a biological parent no-one would bat an eyelid.

I do think however that if you are still at the point where you feel a relationship needs building and encouraging, you are not ready to have a baby together, because a baby will just add to the chaos and possibly build resentment on the part of your existing DC.

TBH, the whole idea of the happy blended family with all the children who love each other and have blended because of the new baby is a bit of an illusion.

I've been with my OH for 8 years, married for 4. I have two kids who were 5 and 8 when we met, he had none. I have never expected him to pick up the childcare for me. Even though I leaved earlier than him for work, I have always dropped them up at breakfast club.

They were my children and that didn't change when we got together. I didn't expect him to start imposing his discipline views and rules (that I didn't agree with) on them, so why should I impose that he looks after them when it suited me and them but not him? After all, maybe your partner would much prefer to take part in activities, see friends, watch his favourite programmes rather than babysit your kids.

My OH's elderly mum lives near us and now requires quite a bit of support. If one day he said to me that he'd told her that from now on, two days a week I would be going to her for 2 1/2 hours after work to provide her with care, I would be furious, so why would I think it acceptable to do the same the other way around.

It sounds like your partner agreed to it because he didn't appreciate how demanding children are. Now that he had a taste of parenthood, he is realising that it isn't as enjoyable as he'd hoped. So yes, I think you should ask him whether it would be better if they go back to afterschool club one day if not both.

I say exactly the same as him about looking after my own children after school. It's the absolute worst time of day and I hate it! I moan about it all the time and in the past have used wrap around childcare just to avoid it.

Talk about throwing him in at the deep end.

Don't have a kid with him. He isn't up to it. He isn't good enough for your kids.

^ This ^

Don't have a kid with him. He isn't up to it. He isn't good enough for your kids.
Or maybe OP's kids are a totally nightmare and the clubs are actually relieved not to have them for two days.

As stated, I wonder how OP would feel if she was expected to pick up her MIL twice a week, look after and be expected to listen to her moaning non stop, and then been told that she wasn't good enough for her MIL and therefore should be dropped. If your MIL moved in and you were asked to look after her after work for two days and found her very difficult and annoying, how would you feel to be told that you should use that time to bond with her?

Looking after your own kids is nothing like looking the kids of your partner.

Flossy I am a stepmum and in the beginning I could have been your DP - when my OH and I first moved in together the plan was for him to continue to have his kids at his parents until they were ready to stay with us as he works perm nights on a 3 on 3 off shift so I would have to take on a lot of the childcare and as much as I loved him and liked the kids I wasn't ready to be that person (and I was in my early 30's!). Due to his mum being diagnosed with terminal cancer we had to have the kids at ours from day 1 and it was hugely daunting. I suddenly became a parent figure overnight and that then developed into doing school runs, pick ups when kids were sick and their parents weren't able to get them.

Flossy I am a stepmum and in the beginning I could have been your DP - when my OH and I first moved in together the plan was for him to continue to have his kids at his parents until they were ready to stay with us as he works perm nights on a 3 on 3 off shift so I would have to take on a lot of the childcare and as much as I loved him and liked the kids I wasn't ready to be that person (and I was in my early 30's!). Due to his mum being diagnosed with terminal cancer we had to have the kids at ours from day 1 and it was hugely daunting. I suddenly became a parent figure overnight and that then developed into doing school runs, pick ups when kids were sick and their parents weren't able to get them.

sorry it posted on its own!

His kids are lovely but suddenly having to be the parent figure changed things very quickly and it was a nightmare - they were a real handful and what a parent sees as normal behaviours like whinging about being bored or whining for dinner is a massive dilemma for those of us thrown in at the deepend.

Give him some time, he is young and this whole 'being in charge' thing sounds like it is a very new development and that will take some time to get used to.

Maybe talk to your kids, explain that he isn't used to it and ask them to lay off a bit? They clearly see him as a third parent hence the natural behaviour but it might be a bit much a bit soon.