DP just can't seem to do right.

[MycatsaPirate]

I've posted before about his DD (13) refusing to see or speak to him.

It's been well over a 15 months since she has been to our house. He occasionally sees her briefly on Monday evenings at her activity (which my DD also does) when he is dropping my DD off. He tries to say hello and ask how she is, she's not very forthcoming in her replies and he feels like he doesn't know what to do for the best.

He has been phoning his ex to discuss it. She firstly said she would speak to DD but never got back to him. He left it a couple of weeks and tried again last week. His ex gave a very long list of reasons why DD didn't want to see him including (and I may have forgotten a few) me asking her to put wet and dirty washing into the machine instead of the wash basket, having to share a bedroom with my youngest DD five years ago (she should apparently have had the bedroom to herself eow - 2 bed house, 2 adults, 4 dc) and ex says that dp has put me before his DD (not true, we have included her in absolutely everything over the last 5 years except last 15 months)

Also, that DP refused to have DD for a weekend two years ago. I had booked train tickets to London months before to get them very cheap and booked London Eye for me, DP and my DD's using vouchers I had saved up. At this point his DD had refused to see us for over 3 months. Ex asked DP on the Thursday to have DD Friday to Sunday and he said yes. Ex then changed it to Sunday to Tuesday and our day out was on the Monday. We couldn't afford to pay £70 for a train ticket plus another London Eye ticket.

DD is also annoyed that DP hasn't offered to take her on holiday with us in the last two years. Two years ago we asked her to come with us but she was away at the same time with her mum, ironically in the same place. Last year we went camping 4 miles from home with a bunch of friends. Apparently it's not fair to do this because it's spending money that could go on DD.

We all have tablets and clearly have more money than we let on. The tablets were free with our mobiles and one came free with our TV box. Ex then states that we can afford mobiles and therefore we have more money than we let on.

DP should be doing more. But he has no idea what. He is driving down to where they live next week to attend parents evening. Ex is not going as she is ill. DD is going with her SD and DP said he will attend with them if that's ok. DP gets on ok with SD. Ex says she will ask DD if that is ok. Why the fuck is a 13 year old being asked if it's ok for her Dad to attend parents evening??

We are at an utter loss. I spent a lot of time talking to his DD last weekend when we were helping out at their activity. She was fine with me, I suggested she come up one day in the Easter holidays and we can all go and see a film and said we are going camping again and she is welcome to come with us. I got a shrug. DP told ex that we have offered these things and his EX says the shrug means she doesn't want to come. Then why all the fuss about not being asked to come last year?

Every time DP asks his ex anything she says she will defer to DD. This has been going on pretty much since I was involved in her life, from aged 8. His DD has always been deferred to and allowed to make decisions, sometimes decisions which I think she is not emotionally equipped to deal with.

DP is reaching breaking point now. His DD just will not talk to him. She won't see him. She won't come for a day out. She won't see him if he goes down there. He has never missed her birthday or Christmas. We have bought her Easter eggs. We have always included her on days out to theme parks etc over the years, often me scouring places for ages trying to find deals to enable us to take the four dc with us.

Just don't know what on earth to do now.

It seems like someone is out to give you a kicking here op which I don't think you deserve. None of us will know the ins and outs of the whole situation apart from you but I would be very suspicious that your partners messages are not being passed to his daughter because as you have already said the mother has tried to block contact deliberately so why would anyone give her the benefit of the doubt. It's very strange that the girl never phones back herself or replies to text messages and I would conclude that they are not actually being passed on every time if at all. Either way it would be very easy for the mother to tell her daughter that the father is not interested because she's taken her West from her father. If I were in his position I would write a letter to the daughter and give it to her next time you see her setting out that he wants to do better in the future and that his door is always open for his daughter. I wouldn't post it in case the mother opens it. What have you got to lose really?

It just goes to show from the fact that he was able to have a discussion with his daughter at parents evening that his daughter is not necessarily the one driving this.

It seems like someone is out to give you a kicking here op which I don't think you deserve.
I'm really not and I don't think OP deserves one either. I am trying (but failing!) to show OP that her perception that she and her OH have done everything right to make SD happy doesn't mean that SD has no good reason to feel the way she does, but that more importantly, sticking to this position is totally unlikely to come to the outcome they are hoping for.

ex says that dp has put me before his DD (not true, we have included her in absolutely everything over the last 5 years except last 15 months)
I think this is the most telling. His DD feels that he put OP before her. OP is arguing that it was not the case (from her perspective), but if that's how his DD felt, then that's how she felt and he can't make her not feel that way because it doesn't suit him. If all he has done is trying to tell her that how she felt is wrong, rather than trying to understand why she might have felt this way, then it is not surprise she's given up trying to be heard and decided to stop talking.

It just goes to show from the fact that he was able to have a discussion with his daughter at parents evening that his daughter is not necessarily the one driving this..
I don't agree. He offered to take her out for dinner and she refused. She didn't have much of choice but to agree to him coming to parents evenings and speak with him without making things very awkward, but surely if she really had wanted to speak with him, she would have jumped at the opportunity to have some 1-1 with him over food. Yet, she said no to this.

I do totally agree about the letter though and insisting that he will always be there for her in her own time. Whether influenced by her mum or not, her rekindling her relationship with her dad will happen when she wants it to happen and that there is nothing he can do about but still making sure that she knows he will always welcome her open arms.

Im seeing similarities with myself at the same age. First of all no contact tried by the father in 15 months... why does the stepdaughter have to make the move to do all the visiting. She is the child. Most likely feeling she is no longer important. Saving up to take yourself DP and your kids on holiday for the weekend.... shes obviously been left out. Why not include her. Also her father seeing her at an activity only because he is showing up with another kid! Sounds like she is feeling replaced.

Writing from personal experience as a DSD with relatively fresh memories of my teenage years, I would say that this is between her and her dad. You sound lovely, but all you can do is encourage your DP to keep trying contact, when she's ready to see/speak to him, she will. But it needs to come from him and only him.

Also never be so quick to blame the ex. A huge part of the strain between myself and my own DF growing up, was the fact that he and DSM would instantly be down my DMs throat and blamed her for a lot of things. Unless you are physically present and witness conversations between ex and DSD herself, don't assume ex is behind DSDs decisions.

I think that OP hasn't done anything wrong. She seems to be a fantastic mum to her kids as well as excellent support for her OH. It also comes across that she's a thoughtful and good step mum.

I think that the parents could have done more though (especially the dad). The daughter is just a child so has limited control of the situation. E.g. She might not have heard the exact truth about what was going on when her Dad was in hospital because the adults were shielding her from unnecessary pain. If she were older she could drive herself to hospital and see for herself.

The talk about uniform costs could easily have been something that she heard adults talking about rather than something that her mum said to her directly. I think that you could easily have told her how secondary schools are strict on uniforms compared to primary school and she'd have understood. Uniform is obviously a high priority bill that can't be avoided.

She didn't go out to dinner as she was going to an activity. He will try again to see if he can get some time with her.

I am taking in everyone's points of view but please read my posts carefully. My dp did try and see her for the 15 months and it was her refusing to speak to him and his ex and new partner constantly stonewalling him via phone calls that led to the no contact.

Anyway, my teen is home from uni for two weeks and I am going to concentrate on my two girls for now.

Wow I came of to post similar but your story just sounds like us about my DS12. Very similar set up in terms of he has always been included in absolutely everything we do, has his own room in our house, know my family well and goes to all of their events, except he is with us more often.

We do still see him but he has started to want to come to ours less and less but wont give a reason why. I will read the full thread and reply properly later but just to say I know how you feel.

Mini Be prepared to be told it's actually all your fault or your dp's fault and that you must have done something wrong.

Step parents, mums in particular, just never get an easy time of it on here.

Hi OP. Have RTFT and really feel for everyone in your situation. I am a stepmum, a stepdaughter and my kids have both a stepdad and stepmum and step siblings on both sides. It's so hard having all this crap flying about, who feels left out, who we should include, who might get jealous, who arranges contact etc. So I'm not going to blame anyone - I've been in just about everyone's shoes in your situation and it's shit at times.

What I would like to suggest, is that I know my teens are surgically attached to their phones. My ex is crap at contact - his choice entirely but refuses to appreciate why his kids aren't fussed about seeing him now - but I've suggested that he keeps on messaging them. They might not respond but I'd bet that they never delete without reading the message.

Can your dp keep on doing this? As other PPs have suggested, she's old enough to decide what she'd like to do re contact - keep the communication open? If you can do it by sending pics you think she might find funny, or links to videos or websites she might like - you said she's a bookworm, maybe some literary links - nothing that requires a direct response but shows hee that you're thinking about her?

Use the school website to find out about events - message with 'wondered if you're on a team for sports day', 'saw your pic from school visit', 'wow, 7 long weeks until half term' etc. If he has PR demand that the school send you copies of ALL correspondence so that you can follow up on her amazing parents eve #so proud etc.

It might make her a bit more open to communication if you can contact her directly like this - especially if you're not sure that all your efforts are getting past mum.

Maybe eventually you can start to slip in 'wondering if you'd like to join us for x,y,z'.

Your dsd needs to know that you're at least thinking about her, even if she might get told all kinds of bs by mum.

Keep on sending links, messages etc. She'll be reading them. Digesting them. Even I'd she doesn't respond (or doesn't know how to, or isn't allowed)