Is this normal? Stepmothers relationship with my dd

[pasanda]

My dh left me for the OW when I had a 2 year old ds and was pregnant with dd. He went on to marry the OW so consequently she has been in their lives since they were tiny.

Whilst I have been amicable with exh I have never been able to have a good relationship with her because of what she/they did. I have never bad mouthed her to the dc because I always felt they needed to have a good relationship with her seeing as they were so little and it would make their childhood shit if I did this.

My exh felt such guilt about it all that during their primary school years he took on the role of 'fun' parent and didn't do much discipline. She took on this role, often to extremes it would seem, and for years I picked up the pieces when they came home from visits. At one point, my eight year old dd wished 'she would die'.

We have all since been to see a therapist because of issues with my ds and since then, the stepmother has toned it down and both dc say she is much better and they are getting on well. All good. And this is where I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not...

For dd's 13th birthday, SM gave her a card saying 'to my daughter'. She is not her daughter. She has a mum. Me.

Text messages include 'you are wonderful, my beautiful girl. I can't wait to see you at the weekend'. 'I miss you - - - - (full name, all 4 of them!) and can't wait to see you'. 'Hi beautiful girl, mexican tonight coz I know you love it'. etc etc. All littered with love heart emojis and kisses.

Is this normal? OK?

Now I know I should be pleased that she is nice to dd. But wtf? I have showed friends the messages and none of them even text that way to their own daughters. She is 13!

What makes it worse for me too is that she is at that classic eye rolling age with me. Nothing I say/do is right and she is a moody and short tempered at home. And whilst I know this is a normal stage in her development, it is killing me that she has this relationship with SM.

This woman was the OW when I was pregnant. We tried for years to have dc, including 4 IVF attempts and 3 mc. It feels like she stole my husband, stole my chance at the family life I had always dreamed of and now she is trying to steal my teenage daughter.

I hide all these feelings from the dc, please don't think they know, because I know that is not healthy, but bloody hell it hurts

One of my fathers (many) partners was like a mother to me - I called her my "other mum" and still do. It didn't take anything away from my relationship with my mother

Sorry do not get the age old argument - but it was your DH who lied to you - does that absolve the other person of their actions - NO never.

You are a bigger person that I am because if OW/SM had done the milestone things with my DCS ( fat chance -she treated them so badly) then I would have gone ballistic. As to not knowing what boundaries are - bollocks, everyone knows what steps are important in growing life. Respect you for your sanguinity!

Glad it worked for you Olly - you were lucky,

This woman had overstepped and knows it - hell is a DS is finding it odd, then it is odd!

DH's ex made their children call her new partner "Daddy" from the get go. DH was understandably upset by this and so he is only referred to by his first name at ours.

However, DH acknowledges that they see this man more often than him (sadly) and he knows that the care provided by him is valuable to the children (ex is now married to him).

No matter how much DH dislikes the current situation (and the new partner) he sucks it up for the sake of the children. They love him, their Mum and their new "Daddy" (and hopefully me). Love isn't finite.

In short, I think it's important to acknowledge that ones own hurt feelings don't matter in comparison to the children loving and being loved in return.

Zampa - exactly what the OP has being saying.

However, your own hurt feelings do matter and are important but they are lower on the priority scale than the kids feeling safe and secure.

I feel for your DH - not to be called Dad by your own children, must stick the knife in every time. A constant niggle that always reminds you.

That's so hard but she's nicer to them because she's not as close to them as she is to you, your kids will look back and be very clear on how much you've done for them but they probably won't show it for a few years. Some people would have driven a wedge between the kids and their dad/stepmum in this situation and who could blame them really, I think you are amazing to have encouraged their relationship and the fact they can all get on when they go to their dads is down to you.

Zampa - I feel for your dh too. I would never expect my dc to call their stepdad 'dad'. They have a dad who is in their lives and loves them very much. The dc can still love mummy, daddy and the new daddy just as much as they do, but call him by his name surely?

Olly - glad it worked out for you. If my dc were in hospital and needs an adult to sit with them of course I wouldn't mind her doing that. She is, after all, another adult in their lives.

I just don't want her to send cards saying 'to my daughter' when she is not her daughter.

But anyway, it has been an interesting thread and has made me feel better about it all. Still not sure whether to bring it up with exh or not, I will dwell on it and see if the opportunity arises.

I think you have the patience of a saint, Pasanda. SM is completely overstepping her boundaries, aided and abetted by ExH, and you must feel like screaming and shouting with the injustice of it all. You really have my utmost respect for the way you've put your children's needs first and retained your dignity.

I agree with others who are saying that actually, your DD is acting out with you because she feels safe and secure enough in your relationship to do so. I know it hurts and it seems unfair, but I do believe that it's a positive sign really. She is also a child, and children are very good at knowing how to get what they want out of people. At the moment, SM and ExH are not disciplining her, are encouraging (and funding maybe?) her horse hobby, are showering her with over the top attention to keep her onside because all of that is much easier than the actual gritty reality of parenting. Of course DD thinks it's wonderful right now, but she will realise as she matures that it's not real. What really matters is what you are offering (i.e. support, boundaries, discipline etc.). Give it time, she will come around.

This next bit is not intended as a criticism so please do not take it as such, but I think that it may be worth examining your feelings towards SM and ExH. Solely for your benefit. From reading your OP and subsequent posts, there's a bit of a disparity between the way you naturally write about them, and the way you directly answer questions about them if that makes sense. For example, you say that you're angry with DH and hold him responsible when a PP asked you. But prior to this you mentioned that you have an amicable relationship with him, and all of the blame seemed to be placed squarely at SM's feet . For example, you talk about her having an affair with him, as though he were an innocent bystander. You talk about her "stealing" your DH which, again, absolves him of responsibility. Do you think there's a chance that this could be clouding things? I don't believe that OW should get off the hook - she knew about you and she knew you were pregnant. She behaved appallingly and there is no excuse for that. BUT I do believe that the greater betrayal was from the man who made promises to you and shared children with you. At any rate, he is certainly not less culpable than her.

I also, FWIW, think that you ought to go straight to ExH with any SM issues. From the very beginning, it should have been his role to facilitate and drive the relationship between OW and his children in a responsible way. He should be setting boundaries there, or at least stepping in when it becomes apparent that she is incapable of setting appropriate boundaries herself. If you have an amicable relationship with him, can you calmly explain your issues and ask him to address the topic of appropriate boundaries with his wife?

She's her step mum. Of course she has strong feelings for her. It's great their relationship is do positive. And maybe it's natural feel a little put out. Maybe you need to work on your own relationship with her. Have s long chat with her and ask how you can support her better and if there's anything she'd particularly like to do regularly.

At the same time if he was previously being a Disney dad and you've had all the hard slog, I can understand why you were previously upset.

Falefings - after so many supportive, lovely comments re teen years, etc etc - your comments are really quite bitchy and unnecessary.

And no falefings - SM was previously SM from hell, read the thread before making such an asinine comment to the mother of a teenager.

I can see how this whole thing would be difficult to stomach - and you've clearly been the bigger person all the way through, putting your kids first etc.

But I just wondered how you knew what was being messaged between them? Does your DD show you?

That must be heartbreaking at times.
There are a few thoughts you can hold onto when you feel stressed about it that could help though - and sorry, haven't read the whole thread so these might've already been suggested! Firstly, look from your daughter's point of view. She is happy by the sounds of it. From her view, she has a mum who loves her and a stepmum and dad who think the world of her too. She has a fun hobby, horse riding, which is quite a priviledge. She has 2 pleasant homes. You haven't screwed her up, she isn't in poverty, she isn't all alone. That is a nice childhood to have, there are much worse situations and the main thing is that her needs are met and she is safe.
Secondly, remember that you have a connection to your kids that the OW can never match up to - you carried your babies; they grew inside you and only you.
Thirdly, it's nice when people coo over your kids. I know your circumstances are more extreme than an old lady walking past and saying what lovely children you have, but it's still a positive thing that at least they don't have a wicked stepmother, as that can be quite traumatising. Instead, this woman thinks they are great and tries to please them. It's a compliment to you. Lastly, bear in mind that your children will understand your point of view more once they are grown up. We all realise how much our parents did for us once we're adults ourselves, feel regretful for putting them through our teenage tantrums, and I'm sure your daughter in particular will come to understand why the position you've been put in is difficult. Hope these make you feel a little better.

If it were me I think I would need to let out my feelings about things like the 'daughter' card and mushy texts before I exploded. Not as an argument, but a sit-down heart to heart with this lady. Conversations like that can make you feel so vulnerable but it's healthier to get things off your chest rather than keep it bottled up.

Massive boundary issues calling her her 'daughter' but YABU about her being nice to your DD - do you know how difficult it is being a step parent? Being nice to someone elses children, even when they are misbehaving or being a typical teenager?

She may have been the OW but she did nothing wrong - your husband did, yet you are OK with him and directing all your anger towards. It's a common redirect men do to get away with cheating - make it all the OWs fault.

(I have never been the OW by the way)

Also I think it is a bit shitty that you have posted this on the step parenting board - some of us step parents are trying bloody hard

Just wanted to add.. you could have it the complete opposite like me with my DH's son. I don't try at all with his son anymore and I'm completely indifferent to him. After years of trying with a mean bio mother that kept sabotaging any relationship I had with his son, I gave up and stay away as much as possible. In fact, he doesn't even come to our home anymore now. My mother also tried to sabotage my relationship with my stepmother and it backfired to the point where I thought my mother was just an angry, bitter woman that couldn't get over anything. As I said, we never speak, even though my mother tries once in a while and I have a son, her only grandson that she has never met. I never forgave my mother over that and many other things. Gr

She may have been the OW - but she did nothing wrong.

OMG - yes she bloody did.

OP and many of those in the same place- get that it is their DP who has lied and cheated. However, when you have DCs together you have to find a way of co parenting that is not all about aggression. Does not mean you do not blame them - it is about being an adult.

However, the OW/OM who has an affair knowsd what they are doing and are guilty. Their actions they know like the DP will hurt someone else. It is malignant and malicious.

God help you if it happens to you.

Steppingontoes - shitty that I have posted about a 'step parenting' issue on the 'step parenting' board? Riiiiight You sound very bitter and not enjoying being a step parent at all. Of course some of us step parents are trying bloody hard. I don't doubt that for a second

That's just the thing though - do you know how difficult it is being a step parent? Being nice to someone elses children, even when they are misbehaving or being a typical teenager?

My whole point if you had read the thread properly is that dd is never a typical teenager with her dad and stepmum. She daren't be! She had so much shit and tellings off from her through her childhood, she daren't rock the bloody boat!

Anyway, I digress. I hadn't realised the thread was still going tbh so thanks to those who posted. I guess I am different with exh than sm. I have had to co-parent with him since dd was baby. It was never going to be any different than how I have done it. I couldn't bear not talking to him, or being bitter or arranging contact via text etc etc. For 16 years!! That would have been absolutely shitty for my dc. And as the years have gone by, life moves on. I have remarried and have had 2 more dc. We go to parents evenings together, watch ds play football every Sunday, even guarded the door for a teenage party for ds the other week, with 160 teenagers!! I deal with him when it comes to the dc, I have no reason to deal with her.

But dd is not her daughter.

steppingontoes - ah, just seen your other thread.

Now I understand your point of view.....

*pasanda Tue
steppingontoes - ah, just seen your other thread.

Now I understand your point of view.....hmm*

Why? I was never the OW - I met my partner 4 years after their separation and have a (reasonably) good relationship with my DSCs and their mother (I just don't like tidying their mess)

Nothing to do with being the OW or not. You pointed out up thread that you have never been one.

I don't know. You just seem hugely defensive of step parents/step parenting, no matter what. Even getting pissed off that a non-step parent has dared to post on a step parenting board, and calling me shitty for doing so.

I don't doubt you are doing your hardest. I don't doubt it's hard to be nice to someone else's dc even when they are misbehaving. Those facts are not what this thread was supposed to be about.

Maybe if you have your own dc in the future instead of horses you will have a better idea of what I am getting at.

I totally get that you're hurting here, but I find the way that you refer to her stealing your husband a bit troubling. People don't steal people. Your DH was the one who was married, not her, so he was the one who was responsible for keeping it in his pants.

Wow. Your comment along the lines of "if you had children you'd understand" - especially with the nasty added barb about inferring she's selfish to have chosen horses instead of children - is the type of offensive remark that stepmothers have to deal with all the time, and I would imagine is why she felt defensive about non-stepmothers posting on the step parenting board. I don't disagree with you posting here about a stepparenting issue, but that offended me as a childless stepmother (who is unable to have children for health issues -not that women should have to justify any reason for having / not having had children) who is constantly told I don't know anything about children because I've not given birth..

And she chose to fuck a married man whose wife was pregnant.

Her choice, her knowledge and her morally repugnant actions, just like his were.

Why anyone thinks the other partner be that OM or OW is innocent is beyond me. They are both wrong and their actions are wrong.

OP has every right to be angry with her EX and his DP - they have treated her DCS badly - there is no justification for that.

Usual defensive SM anti EX diatribe coming out, after some lovely helpful comments.

No one forgets the feelings they felt when they found out their DP/DH is cheating and no one blames one person in the guitly couple - they are both class A1 wankers.