Is this normal? Stepmothers relationship with my dd

[pasanda]

My dh left me for the OW when I had a 2 year old ds and was pregnant with dd. He went on to marry the OW so consequently she has been in their lives since they were tiny.

Whilst I have been amicable with exh I have never been able to have a good relationship with her because of what she/they did. I have never bad mouthed her to the dc because I always felt they needed to have a good relationship with her seeing as they were so little and it would make their childhood shit if I did this.

My exh felt such guilt about it all that during their primary school years he took on the role of 'fun' parent and didn't do much discipline. She took on this role, often to extremes it would seem, and for years I picked up the pieces when they came home from visits. At one point, my eight year old dd wished 'she would die'.

We have all since been to see a therapist because of issues with my ds and since then, the stepmother has toned it down and both dc say she is much better and they are getting on well. All good. And this is where I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not...

For dd's 13th birthday, SM gave her a card saying 'to my daughter'. She is not her daughter. She has a mum. Me.

Text messages include 'you are wonderful, my beautiful girl. I can't wait to see you at the weekend'. 'I miss you - - - - (full name, all 4 of them!) and can't wait to see you'. 'Hi beautiful girl, mexican tonight coz I know you love it'. etc etc. All littered with love heart emojis and kisses.

Is this normal? OK?

Now I know I should be pleased that she is nice to dd. But wtf? I have showed friends the messages and none of them even text that way to their own daughters. She is 13!

What makes it worse for me too is that she is at that classic eye rolling age with me. Nothing I say/do is right and she is a moody and short tempered at home. And whilst I know this is a normal stage in her development, it is killing me that she has this relationship with SM.

This woman was the OW when I was pregnant. We tried for years to have dc, including 4 IVF attempts and 3 mc. It feels like she stole my husband, stole my chance at the family life I had always dreamed of and now she is trying to steal my teenage daughter.

I hide all these feelings from the dc, please don't think they know, because I know that is not healthy, but bloody hell it hurts

You're her mother and you're irreplaceable. thank you. That bought a tear to my eye.

Do I have a busy life? Yes! Four dc, 3 dogs, a farm, 2 holiday cottages I run and a part time job - never a dull moment! Interesting? Particularly from the point of view of a teenager - probably not!!

However, my marriage is going through a rough patch at the moment and exh knows this - by me telling him because of the possible effect on the dc and possibly because of the dc telling him. So they (exh and SM) know that over the last few months all has not been 100% rosy. So rather than them having problems, it is us, and I do wonder whether this is why SM has stepped it up a notch. To compensate dd in some way?

Like I said, with them, it is all about positivity and allowing people to feel a certain way, and sharing feelings about stuff and giving the dc permission to be embarrassed or angry or whatever. Sometimes, I think they have had too much therapy!

As a child my situation was very much the same as your dds. No special common interest with sm, but she did spoil me in other ways.

No text messaging back then, but I can imagine similar. In
Some ways it was better than the alternative. As a child I probably wasn't too aware of it, though he as a teenager I am afraid I probably used it to hurt my mother ("don't worry I'll just do that with x").

Thing is I think SM got a kick out of hurting my mum and that is probably partly why she did it. She is now very generous to me and similarly gushing. I see it so clearly now. My mum and I are very close and I am grateful she just rose above it.

Now my mum and I joke about it. I just tell her everything and keep a relationship with SM, but at arms length. I am glad I have a good relationship with her, but she will never be my mum.

I am sure you are in for a rough year or two with it, but as long as you continue to have a good relationship with your daughter don't worry. I was never much of a rebel, but I tried to never set a foot wrong at my dads (I was fucking terrified of them and of their rejection deep down). I was safe at my mums to be a snotty little cow. (I do feel awful for that now- I really wasn't too bad).

I just want to give you a different perspective. The SM has been in DD's life for 13 years? That's a long time and I don't necessarily think it's bad that DD thinks of her as a mother too. My stepdad was with me full time from the age of two and my bio dad saw me EOWE. I loved my stepdad more than my father and still do. It's things like this where being a stepmother is such a weird thing. My DH has a son from a previous relationship and his ex tried so hard to sabotage our relationship and her son liking me that now my DH's son and I don't see each other much at all. The parental alienation was so bad, my DH sees his son at the in laws house one night every two weeks. That relationship I had with his son is so broken because of his ex being weird or paranoid that I'll never try again and I've cut myself away from that emotionally. So, I don't know the whole story and misinterpret things but be gentle about it otherwise you could push your daughter away and she could miss out on important relationships due to how your feeling.

wonderwoof - having read your post, you' re right. I do just need to rise above it don't I. This sort of relationship is no doubt better for the child (not necessarily the mother!!) than one where the SM actively dislikes him/her.

I can very much imagine my dd doing things to hurt me on purpose. I have no idea why she might though, we have always been close. Why do some teenagers do this? It is so very hurtful. I love her so, so much. She kept me going (along with ds, but more so her because I was pregnant with her) when exh left me for OW all those years ago. My little baby girl in the midst of all the pain and hurt.

dd is not a rebel either. In fact, she has always been a bit phobic of being told off. I put some of this down to the discipline at her dads. Fearful of doing the wrong thing/wearing the wrong clothes/saying the wrong thing. But she doesn't mind being that way at home!

Snotty little cow

OP you're her mum no one can take that away from you (i speak as a SM).
Your DD is more eye-rollingly teenagey with you because you're her mum. Just keep being a mum to be honest I wish my DPs ex was as child centred as you!
The texts seem over the top and the birthday card is way over the mark. But, I've just looked through the texts I send my DSDs and although less emoji filled they're not a million miles away eg the first in of my most recent exchange with DSD2: "hi my love was great to see you last night. Have a good week at school. Looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. Remember I'm picking you up from X's on Saturday and I won't have the car so maybe we can have a ho-cho on the way home (couple of emojis)."
Now the reason I send that sort of text is precisely because she's not my daughter. I have to work a bit harder to be loved AND I want her to know that I love her (because I'm her SM she doesn't automatically know or assume that). It's so bloody complicated...
be strong YOU are her mum and no one else comes close.

Newmother - please read the thread. For 13 years I have done everything to facilitate the relationship my dc have with their father and the SM. I have not bitched about her, tried to alienate them against her or sabotage their relationship in any way.

I have however, listened to them after access visits when they both complained about her treatment to them (in the past, not so much now). It is probably obvious to the dc that I don't really like her because we have not got a 'relationship' ourselves but I refuse to feel guilty for this seeing as she was having an affair with my husband when I was pregnant with our very much wanted child. That I cannot, and will not, ever forgive.

DD thinks of her as a mother too.. Why should she need to do that? She has a mother who she lives with, who is in her life and adores her. And anyway, this thread is more about the SM thinking of dd as her daughter.

I hope I am not in danger of pushing my daughter away seeing as she has no idea I am having these feelings or thoughts. Like I've said, dd knows nothing about this and as far as she is concerned, I am still facilitating their relationship the best I can considering what the SM did all those years ago.

heidiwine - thank you for taking the time to post that. I hadn't thought of it like that and it does make sense.

I am not a step mum - I can appreciate it is so hard to get the balance right!

But being the BM is also hard too it would seem. To not appear bitter, to try and do right for the dc but without being either a doormat or a psycho crazy ex, to encourage relationships even though it pains you so much to hand over your baby to a woman who had an affair with her dad and to try to rise above all the stuff that makes it so hard...

I would 100% say something if my children's SM sent a card saying "my daughter/son". That is absolutely way over the line and I'd be furious! She is not their mother and never will be I think it's very weird that she's calling herself mum or saying "my daughter".

It's different when talking to someone about your step kids or sometimes people will just assume they're your kids when they're not. That's fine and understandable but sending cards in quite frankly weird!

I would be very upset by that. You are her Mum. Unfortunately the parent who lives with the child all the time always takes the brunt of the eye rolling etc. Try not to get into a competition and by the time she is 18 or earlier hopefully she will grown up enough to see things clearly . I would have a word politely though and say that this is not really on. Its a shame that your daughter doesnt have some other nickname or something for OW as Mum is not right at all.

Does this woman have no children of her own ,if not she's been SM to your DD since she was a baby and she probably sees your DC as her only chance of having DC , she wants to be the doting mum and further on the doting granny . Your children will always be your children OP , they know who their 'real' mother is and I think you need to just let it go a bit . Also , your ex husband was the one who cheated on you so it's him that you should have been most angry at , she had an affair with a married man and who knows what crap he was telling her , she actually owed you no affiliation , your husband did .

DD calls her SM by her first name. Never mum (thank God).

I don't think dd has sent her cards saying mum. It's the other way round.

SM sent a birthday card saying 'to my daughter'

Trust me, I was angry with him!!!

I didn't know of her existence until dd was 7 months old. He moved out one Friday night and I went to my parents house. He accidentally pressed a button on his phone and I heard 20 minutes of their conversation together.

Things like 'we will be so happy here'. 'I can't wait to sit on the balcony and drink wine' etc etc.

That's how I found out.

He had swore blind, since that day, 2 days before Xmas, when I was 31 weeks pregnant, that there was nobody else. He just didn't love me anymore.

He stayed in the marital home until the September because I was weak and didn't know about MN then I was desperate for us to be that family I had dreamed of for so long.

So believe me, I was angry at him, so very angry.

But also at her. She knew of my existence She knew i was pregnant. Yet carried on regardless. I can be angry at both.

But, yes, I will try to let go.

Could you perhaps have a calm, objective conversation with your exH explaining that his wife is not respecting boundaries?

I think there are several issues here and whilst it's really hurtful you should try to keep them separate if possible.

For transparency, yes I am a step mum - in my case I wasn't the other woman - their mum left my OH for someone else when DSD was 1.5, and I met him when she was 5, she is now 11. So I can't really comment on that aspect other than to say I totally understand that you feel very bitter - my OH often feels the same about the role DSDs mum's new husband plays in DSDs life but like you hasn't shared the details of what they did. If at all possible I would avoid doing so now because for her wellbeing a good relationship with both parents is important.

The SM calling her 'my daughter' is not ok unless there has been agreement (when clearly there hasn't been). We've had situations where DSD wants to call me Mum and I've gently explained that whilst I love her very much I'm not her Mum and it's not appropriate. SM shouldn't be instigating this though - especially because at 13 your daughter isn't little enough to be confused etc.

The doing nice things together, texts saying that she misses her, or is cooking things she knows she likes I think are ok and quite nice, as long as DSD doesn't feel suffocated. It can be hard as a Step Parent to reassure SC that they are wanted, you do care about them and think about them and she might be going a bit far with emoticons but that stuff is ok. I've always made a point of reassuring DSD that I love her, if I see something she'd like I'll send her a message with it for example - this is because I do think of her, but more importantly want to reassure her that she is a part of our lives when she's not here as well.

The horse thing must be really hard - can understand that is really tough. Do you think when the novelty wears off it will cool down a bit?

pasanda - normal feelings and normal reactions. You have articulated exactly how I feel and behave and it has only been 5 yrs.

Complete respect for keeping it up for 13 yrs. Fortunately for me, OW and Ex have split up - breathing big sigh of relief but not as big as my DCs.

The pain of betrayal never disappears - those who say you have to move on and you do, never understand that little bit that remains.

You have the moral high ground and always will, nothing she ever does will make her or your Exs actions right. Your DD will understand eventually - you are riding the storm.

Can you overcome your dislike of horses ( I am completely with you on that one!) and organise a trip to a horse show with her and ask her to explain stuff.

It is that time for another deep breath and remember you have the weddings, christenings etc to cope with yet!!!!!

I understand what you are trying to say, but 13 years is a long time to keep on being so angry and bitter. You do sound like you've just never let go of a lot of things and I get that this mother is overstepping boundaries in some respects, but at least she is being kind to your daughter, though a bit over the top. As others say, talk to your ex gently about boundaries. As far as whether she has a mother or not, it's not necessarily about getting another mother but having another adult that cares about her in her life and encourages activities too isn't a bad thing. I called both of my step parents mom and dad and I didn't find that wrong at all. They had both been in my life since I was 2 and 4. Nowadays, I have no relationship with my mother and a full one with my stepmother. Granted, in your case, this is overstepping, but there are different POV.

Completely agree with heidi - she's being a 'typical teenager' around you because you're the one she trusts and the one she can be herself around. Scrubbing off her makeup and being on her 'best behaviour' around Dad and SM doesn't mean she loves or respects them more. Bit annoying that you have to deal with the less charming aspects of adolescence, but at least she feels comfortable around you and doesn't have to pretend to be someone she isn't. She doesn't have to 'impress' you because she knows she has your unconditional love, she sounds as though she's not quite so sure about Dad and SM.

Newmother - you have articulated everything that anyone male or female whose other half has screwed them over with another person feels and hates.
You do move on, you do live your life, but liken this to a bereavement if you are the innocent party. The remembrance of hurt, anger grief never completely disappears, the loss of trust and the expectation you must now trust your EX to do what is right and then trust the OW/M to do what is right ( often as in this case do not, for years) can never be replaced. Some teeny little part of you - will quite rightly not forget or trust them.

The comment be grateful she is being nice to your daughter - please, this woman was not nice to her daughter for years and now what, you want her to put the flags out, say isn't it wonderful, isn't it great a selfish twunt finally grew up - take another deep breath and let her try and walk over you.

Believe me - OP has the moral high ground and is behaving impeccably. She is allowed her worries, fears - lets be honest ex and OW do not have a good track record on being trusted do they!

Comments like yours make my blood boil - everyone else has been so helpful and supportive .

OP - you so not sound angry & bitter, you sound very sane & very grounded. This woman is very much out of order & is transgressing boundaries in a massive way.
Yes, maybe it's very hard for her that she doesn't have her own dcs but it's not your place or your dcs place to compensate for that. Your dc is YOUR daughter - end of story. You know you can now buy cards for step parents & step children!
I was in similar situation to you - exh left for OW. She was completely over the top with my dc, to a point where they asked my to talk to their dad about it. As they were young I did & he of course accused me of being jealous - missed my point totally. But I stood my ground & she did calm down somewhat. OW & exh went on to have a child & she's now so exhausted she has very little time for my kids & this suits them better. They have a good relationship now as her manic carry on is now reserved for the baby. That being said my dcs all saw through the falseness of her early interactions with them & they knew they were being 'bought'.
Personally I think you've risen above enough & I'd put my foot down if I were you.

Thank you so much everyone for all your comments. They have given me a lot to think about.

Believe it or not Newmother, I am not 'angry and bitter'. It is indeed 13 years ago and I refuse to be bitter after such a long time. How shit would that be!! But as workingmum has put so succinctly, there will always be part of me that never forgets.

I guess I am a bit emotionally fragile at the moment, what with my marriage having its issues and the fact that my gorgeous girl has changed overnight into a stroppy and moody teenager!

The card thing therefore has just made me feel like shit and when I read the messages of, imo, over the top loveliness (I've washed your riding stuff in the special blue bag gorgeous pony girl, for example) it does piss me off! Rightly or wrongly I can't help how I feel.

Usually I rise above it all but just today I feel mightily sad. I've done nothing today! Just sat on mumsnet which is so not like me! I think I am allowed the odd day of wallowing!

To everyone else - thank you. I feel better this evening. You're right, it is a good thing that she can be her typical teenagery self with me. She knows I will forgive her anything

I wonder whether this OTT behaviour is making up for something.

pasanda the thing with that creepy gushing is it can't last, one day SM will be pissed off and it will slip, your dd will notice.

The only thing that would bother me if SM was narcissistic as there would be an agenda.

I totally feel for you. I spend years taking everything my ex and his new partner threw at me just because I knew that if I retaliated, the kids would be stuck in the middle and the one to suffer. I prided myself is swallowing all my feelings of injustice to be the best mum I could be for my kids, so when like your dd, my dd started to get very close to her sm, I felt it like a stab in the back. Like you, I was pleased that she was happy and having a good relationship with her, but I felt the worse injustice of all that she should be bonding with her in a way I felt I wasn't sharing with her.

To make it worse, that bonding was all around being girly and caring way too much about her appearance, all the things that I particularly hated and thought dd hated too.

Like you, all I could do was pretend I was happy for her and keep my feelings for myself, however hard it was but the good news is that it didn't last. Gradually, she came into her own being and she realised that this didn't need to involve hair extensions and fake tan. As her interests reverted more around sport and her education, we started to become closer again, in spite of the inevitable teenage attitude.

She is now 17, gets along well with her sm, but they don't have that closeness they had when she was 12/13 any longer and is now coming to the other side of adolescence, and we seem to be getting a bit closer every few months as we have more and more in common. This summer, we will be visiting Universities and I think that will bond us even more.

All I can say is don't feel bad for feeling hurt, it is totally understandable and try as much as you can not to worry, regardless of their relationship, you will likely experience some ups and downs, but when she comes out of it, she will definitely value you as her mum, not her sm and it will be you she will want by her side at important times.

My two DDs adore their SM. She did call them "my girls" and did the milestone things like buying them their first bra and sanpro as well as designer clothes etc. I did resent it sometimes. Did she overstep the mark? I probably think so but she had no DCs of her own so wouldn't have known what the boundaries are. It turned out she was such a tremendous support during the stroppy teenage years and when DD2 was in HDU with meningitis she drove 40 miles to sit with her to give me a break. I'll always be grateful to her for caring for my DCs as much as I do.

I had a 2 year old and a new born when DH left to be with her so almost same timescale as you, OP. I agree with PPs that 13 years is a long time to hold on to this anger and resentment. Yes, she had a part to play in your break up, but it was your DH who was lying to you.

The card is a bit strange. Did it not come from both their DF and SM? It's odd if they send separate cards as a couple.

All the gushing will slip eventually and your DD will learn a life lesson, all part I life's rich pattern or not

Often though DC know far more than they let on, but at 13 she will possibly play the system of divorced parents and step parents.