Adopting 'step child' any advice?

[Mamabooksbabynumber2]

Hi everyone, so dd and dp have a solid daughter/ father relationship and we are looking into adoption. We have been together 6 years adoption no he has brought up from a baby. I have no father on the birth certificate but know who the biological father is. Do we still need his permission? How tricky will this be? Thanks. To note: dd knows of bio dad but never seen him nor does he pay any maintenance and me, dp and dd have lived together for 3 years. Thanks in advance xx

The social worker I've discussed step-parent adoption with said that unless extenuating circumstances then an unmarried couple's chance of getting an adoption granted isn't great in my LA. They'd be told instead to get married and get PR. It's only if PR is already granted and the family (and kids themselves) see a real advantage to adoption that it happens.

This could be different in different counties though.

Thank you for your replies. Marriage and adoption for us is not the same thing but that's not the point of the thread. I wasn't seeking approval or judgement, just experience of anyone else has been through the process. Again, thank you for all those who gave helpful advice. Much appreciated x

You're right that marriage and adoption aren't the same thing.
A marriage can be ended through divorce but adoption is truly permanent.

If you really have compelling reasons that you both wholeheartedly agree on for not getting married then it might be worth having the initial chat with a social worker from your LA over whether you'd be considered anyway. But I suspect you two not wanting to get married will rule out adoption so you'd be mad to spend money on getting legal advice on it until you've confirmed that with LA.

Of course they're not the same thing! One of them ties two adults together, a legal union they can end when it isn't working for one or both of them. the other ties a child to an unrelated adult who then has total authority over them and the child has no way of ending that arrangement before reaching adulthood.

In all seriousness, if you haven't even agreed on marriage then the word adoption shouldn't even pass your lips.

My dad adopted me after he and my mum married. They are divorced now. My dad is still my dad, of course! Adopting me was about my relationship with him, not about his relationship with my mum.

Of course this was a long time ago (so long ago in fact that my mum had to adopt me too, which didn't thrill her...) so I'm afraid i'm no help to the OP. Sorry.

You need to understand that if he adopts and you split he will be financially and legally responsible for your child.

Your daughter may hear him say 'she's not even really mine'

I lost a whole lot of family when my mum and dad split as apparently adoption is void when you divorce the mum

I was 18. 16 years of been in his family, 7 legally his and his family dropped me.

You need to turley think it through before you go ahead with it.

"If you really have compelling reasons that you both wholeheartedly agree on for not getting married"

I don't think money would be seen as a compelling reason, either, given that big expensive weddings are "nice to have" and not essential.

You can divorce him but she can't.

ProudBadMum Sorry you went through that.

And YY to 'not being able to afford a wedding' not counting as a compelling reason!

Wow I am feeling loads of judgement from alot of you guys. Marriage is not for everyone. It does not mean you are not committed or love each other or want to be with that person for the rest of yourselves, it just means u don't need a piece of paper to say this. Adoption is different because it means dp will be abke to be her father legally. There is no risk of splitting up just because we are not married. Marriage does not mean a less chance of splitting up. Dp loves dd as his own, but adoption means he has the same rights as a parent. He never questions his love for her and even if we should ever split up his relationship with dd would not change in a ddition to a second child.

Do you 100% know that? Can you put life on it that he won't change when he has his own or if you should split?

Because I'm sure my mum felt the same after been married for 7 years. Then they divorced and ta dah, I'm my mothers only.

No marriage doesn't mean you aren't committed but you are commuting your daughter to man for life. This can't be reveresed.

If you aren't willing to be committed to him then why the fuck should your daughter be?

Wait it out and let her decide when she is older

proudbadmum I didnt say I wasn't commited to him. Being an unmarried couple does not mean you are uncommitted. This is the 21st century and plenty of couples have children whilst being unmarried.

Commiting*

Yes I have two and I'm unmarried but I'm not commiting either of them to a man that ain't their dad....

Can you 100% say that your DP won't change after having his own or if you should split?

And to reemphasise I was not seeking approval on whether we should or shouldn't but merely the legalities.

Yes I can proudmum

You can't 100% know it of course. Any more than you can be sure the man you love and choose to have a child with biologically would continue to be a good father if you split up. It depends on the quality of the father I suppose. I have a good one.

You should wait til she's older. Let her decide when she understands better. It is her after all that will have to deal with it if it goes tits up...

I wanted it so I don't blame my mum for how it turned it. If I were younger and it was forced on me. Then yes I probably would

One father not wanting you is enough. Don't give her two

My partner is the man who is up in the night with dd when she has been ill. Takes days off for school holidays. Changed half the nappies. Took her to her hospital appointments. Taught her to ride her bike. Splits every parent activity with me. He is a much better dad than many biological fathers and she and I are very blessed to have him!

And, of course, a completely rubbish biological one. I always forget him in fact!

My dad did all that with me as well. Doesn't mean shit when the divorce happened though.

Think it through for your daughters sake is all I say. Wait til after this baby and see how he is with her then.

No need to rush anything

Go for a step parent responsibility order. Print forma off, fill in and submit to court. Gives him parental rights. Thats the route we are going down as i dont want to add my husband as father on sons birth certificate as that would be a lie (we didnt meet until he was 2!)

Plenty of people go through the adoption system without being married though as an adoptor i would advise you do get married first.
Adoptions are irevocable so if you split or divorce he will still be her dad in every sense of the word.
If you do apply to adopt the biological father will have to be consulted and can oppose though his permission can be dispensed with if the court deems it is in the childs interests as sounds like it is here.
The courts will put a lot of store on what your child wants and a guardian ad litum will be appointed to represent her interests as an independant person.
From what you say i think you would not have too much trouble getting an adoption order. There is info on the gov uk website under step oarent adoption.
There have been a couple of threads on this recently on the adoption board so may be useful to re post there.

It does not mean you are not committed

It does mean you aren't legally committed yet wanting to legally commit your child to this person despite not being willing to do the same yourself. There are other ways of giving him parental reponsibility over your daughter.