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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

In such a fog

22 replies

ImreallyunreasonablearentI · 08/02/2017 08:44

I've nc for this sorry, my mum very sadly passed away less than a week ago. We were incredibly close and I am generally finding her passing difficult.

Dh has a teen (14) we share care 50/50 and live not too far from school, mums house etc. During the last week we have had shifted the usual routine due to mums death but only by a day. I struggle with having her with us due to how normal she is which is by rational thinking absolutely what she should be and my grief should not affect her.

However almost daily she turns up after school asking dh to take her home (she could walk it's a few mins from her school) we have her from friday until Tues next week then again on the Friday.

Whenever dsd calls dh he allows her to do what she wants so she'll come here after school, stay for a couple of hours, tv on loud face timing her friends squealing laughing etc no thought for anyone else.

Again this is probably totally normal teen behaviour but I am struggling so much without any sort of peace whilst she's here. I have explained to dh that he never even asks me if I am ok with the situation I don't get a say.

How unreasonable am I being and how do I put aside these feeling and carry on as normal?

OP posts:

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IneedmoreLemonPledge · 08/02/2017 08:48

So sorry to hear about your mum.

I think a teen is old enough to understand the grief process that you are going through and i don't think it'd be unreasonable for you to ask your DH to remind her to keep a respectable manner for the next week or so at home.

Does she have a bedroom at your place, OP? Where she could be a bit louder on her own space?

gingina · 08/02/2017 11:55

So sorry about your Mum OP
I agree with Lemon. Your DH should be explaining to her she should respect that you need some peace and quiet to deal with your grief.

He is being totally insensitive and putting his DDs wants above your needs which at the moment is totally unreasonable. Why can't he take her out for a coffee/cake after school and give you a few hours to unwind?

Original poster

ImreallyunreasonablearentI · 08/02/2017 15:27

She does have her own room but prefers to be in the lounge or with dh which is usually fine it's what families do! However the lack of thought and the general 'me first' attitude is a little too much at the moment.

I have asked her time and time again to knock before she wants to come into our bedroom, day after mum died she just wandered in because she needed a cable, I asked her to leave and I got a huff and a 'but i need to find dads cable for my phone'

I can't get any peace or space of my own whenever she's here and right now it's what I need most. I don't know, I'm probably being a horrible cow

OP posts:

Jett99 · 10/02/2017 22:18

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, OP.
You are definitely not being unreasonable! This is a time where frankly your needs should come first, as I imagine you would do the same for the other people in your house. You need to have a sit-down conversation with your husband and tell him that you're really struggling and you need him to take up all the slack on that front and talk to his daughter. It might be worth saying that you shouldn't have to tell him this, he is not helping you at a time where you really need him, and how would he feel if he lost a close family member and the people around him were not being sympathetic!? Again, so sorry for your loss

greenworm · 11/02/2017 09:43

She's 14. She is capable of imagining how upsetting it must be to lose your mother. Your DH needs to speak to her and explain you are upset and need some peace and a bit of sympathy.

Sorry for your loss

swingofthings · 11/02/2017 09:57

Is the issue that you wish your OH was giving you more attention and it gets to you that he is enjoying time with your SD?

What do you expect your SD to do? Tell you countless time how sorry she is? The reality is that your loss probably doesn't mean much to her beyond that she is sorry for you, especially if she didn't have much a relationship with your mum or not at all.

What is it that you want? Her to stop laughing because you don't want her to be happy when you're not? Being quieter because the noise stresses you? How long do you think you will need peace and what does it involve? Her not coming at all? Going into her room and staying there? Stopping being a normal teenager?

I think you are expecting too much of her to share your grief, however, the best way for her to understand how you feel will be to speak to her. How about spending some time with her and explaining how much you miss your mum, how becoming an adult and not living with them any longer doesn't mean you don't need them any longer, and that it will take you some time to be your normal self again and that if you are a bit more snappy or demanding, it is because of your grief and that she shouldn't take it personally? You are much more likely to get her sympathy this way than by expecting your OH to tell her she can't come as often or that she needs to sit quietly.

Wdigin2this · 11/02/2017 15:18

I certainly don't think expecting a teenager to knock before walking into your bedroom is unreasonable. I presume you knock before going into hers!

swingofthings · 11/02/2017 17:00

Of course it is reasonable to ask this but I doubt this alone is the crux of the problem.

Anothermoomin · 11/02/2017 17:07

Swing at 14 you are able to moderate your behaviour to be kind to other people. No one expects her to share the OPs grief but it is reasonable to expect her to respect it.

Yes, at a time like this the OP should get more attention and the DSD should get less. 14 year olds are not stupid they can behave and be kind. The OPs OH should make expectations clear.

WannaBe · 11/02/2017 17:18

It seems though that the OP expects the DSD to not be coming around, to not be acting as a normal teenager does and wanting to spend time in her home with her family while talking to/interacting with her mates. It's understandable that the OP is currently going through a hard time because of her loss, but it's not reasonable to expect that the house be turned into a house of mourning where quiet is expected and the DSD shouldn't be coming round or the dad should be consulting with his partner as to whether his DD should be allowed there. It's her home too, and apart from walking into her dad and sM's bedroom without asking (which tbh is just normal thoughtless teenage behaviour,) interacting with her friends on FaceTime etc is perfectly normal and she hasn't done anything wrong.

Anothermoomin · 11/02/2017 20:51

When my dad died my sons didn't 'act like normal teenagers'. They were quiet and helpful. They made time to be affectionate and help me. They held me when I cried. They kept off the loud games. They acted in the way a kind human being would act. This is not unreasonable. This is the way a loving family acts, they help each other.

BlueClearSkies · 11/02/2017 20:58

When my Dad died, we did not tell DSS (15) as we knew he would be unpleasant. It is very difficult when they do not understand your grief, she is unlikely to understand mourning.

However you have to stop taking her behaviour personally. Though you could tell DH that in your mourning you are not looking after her, so if your dh is not at home she needs to be at her mothers.

A week is such a short time

WannaBe · 11/02/2017 21:21

Anothermoomin presumably though your DC were also upset as it was their grandad who had died. The OP's DSD isn't related to her mum, and is presumably just going about her daily life. It doesn't sound as if she's just started this behaviour since the OP's loss, but that the OP has started to find it difficult because of her loss.

Anothermoomin · 11/02/2017 22:19

In my case my dad had dementia for several years so my boys didn't really know him. They acted the way they did for my sake.

I work with teenagers, don't patronise them by implying it's too complicated for them to understand. Bollocks. They know someone is sad, they know to moderate their behaviour.

If at 14 you choose not to change or adapt your behaviour you know what you are doing.

Original poster

ImreallyunreasonablearentI · 11/02/2017 23:39

I don't really know what the point of my op was, mum was young when she died and my days since are filled with funeral arrangements, letting various people know closing accounts etc. I don't sleep well at the moment and I just want some peace. I really need some quiet.

Wasn't my intention to run my dsd down and I don't expect her to feel my grief. I understand that it's not possible for others to know my feelings but where I am now I just want some sleep and some time for me to have quiet when I need it. I don't think it's selfish of me is it.

OP posts:

debbs77 · 11/02/2017 23:43

That isn't selfish of you at all. Speak to DHL and ask him to maybe take her out after school. Or could you go out for fresh air? Xx

cappy123 · 12/02/2017 10:03

Really sorry for your loss.

swingofthings · 12/02/2017 10:27

Then all you need to do is speaking to her rather than expect her to understand that you need that quiet and act accordingly.

Surely it's not that difficult to sit her down and explain exactly what you've said here, that you are very upset and as such, you are tired and stressed and noise is making things worse and therefore you would really appreciate it if she could try to keep it down. For all you know, it's at this point that the penny might drop and she might show some empathy.

I'm not clear though why you would have been annoyed with her of the fact that she asked her dad to drive her home instead of walking, if anything, that would mean time of quiet.

Original poster

ImreallyunreasonablearentI · 12/02/2017 12:27

Swing what makes you think I haven't spoken to her? We live in the same house have done for years. She's aware, we talk clearly you have never experienced a bereavement of someone very close or if you have you're superhuman and are able to put everything to one side for your dsc. That is of course if you are a step parent.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 12/02/2017 13:42

Ok, so you told her you wanted peace and quiet and she is totally ignoring you and being loud in front of you, is this what the problem is? I am not in any way undermining your grief, of course you must be totally devastated and you should have your OH full support, I just struggle to fully understand what it is you want from your SD on a day to day basis, ie. what difference does it make if your DP drives her back home.

It does come across as if you resent her presence there and resent your partner for letting her consider the house like everyone's home rather than just yours and his.

pillowcase6 · 19/02/2017 08:45

OP I really feel for you. You're not being selfish for needing space and peace to grieve. If she was your own DD you could give her a proper talking to and ask her to respect your needs more. It's just so sensitive when it's a step family.

I was that 14 year old SD once and I honestly could not have given a flying fig about my stepfather's feelings. As far as I was concerned, I didn't ask him to be in my family in the first place, he was enforced upon me and now he was trying to dictate to me what I should think and feel???

Completely immature and self-centred of course, but that's how I felt at the time.

Looking back, I feel so sorry for the guy who was just trying to make things work and ask for a bit of give and take. Teenagers can be horrendous.

Magda72 · 20/02/2017 10:51

OP - a 14 year old should have enough cop on to be able to take a back seat in her dads life for a few weeks. You have lost your MOTHER - that is a really big deal & your grief & your needs should be respected by everyone.
Honestly I sometimes think we are raising a generation of kids who are held accountable for nothing & who run families like their ones in charge. Not everything has to always be about the kids!!!!
This is YOUR time & you need whatever you need in order to grieve.

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