I'm finding being a step family really hard

[Flippinlife72]

Part of it is my dad just died, my mum died quite a few years ago, I'm living away from any other family and live in my dps town, he has his mum his brother family friends etc, his ex my step children's mum has caused so much trouble especially since been living together, one of his dd is really hard to connect with, we think she may possibly be autistic or something similar, she refuses to do homework, get up in the morning, doesn't like anything I cook, can be rude to me as she has physically attacked my son. She's not told off about anything because my dp doesn't want to upset her incase she decides to live with her mum. We have 50% of care. I feel he is harder on my dcs and so is their nan, my dcs have no grand parents and I'm just feeling low. I just made dinner for everyone his dd didn't like it and didn't stop moaning said it was horrible. I offered her something else all I got was naa so I haven't bothered but if that was my dd I would tell them not to be so rude. But I just feel I have no say with his dc especially as the mum is so psycho too and I don't say that lightly ! Anyone feel like this or maybe it's worse cos just lost my dad 😞

I guess I don't know the boundaries with step children, should I be able to tell them certain rules or just ignore them, should they be going home to their mum telling her I don't do their washing in time or put their stuff away or do this that and the other. I do my best in the house with 6 of us, and just having a year of running up and down to see my dad with cancer, who finally died over Xmas. 😤

Sorry to hear you're finding it hard. I think any step-parent would be lying if they said it was always easy and great being part of a blended family.
From my experience are no rules to being a step-parent except to try and act in the kindest way you can for everyone involved - and that includes laying down the law when it comes to respecting every other member of the household. All the children whether they are SC or bio kids should know it's unacceptable to either treat someone else with disrespect or disregard for their feelings and physical safety.

If I were you I'd have a chat with your DP and then suggest you come up with rules for the whole family to stick by - including your own kids so no one feels singled out.
Also perhaps decide a meal plan for the week in advance that everyone agrees upon - it will make food shopping easier and also give you grounds to defend the meal choices if SC kicks off.
If your SC is on the autistic spectrum rules and routine will provide security and boundaries they know.
Also DP needs to back you up with any rules and not allow you or anyone else to be treated badly by his child, that is part of parenting and he needs to ensure you are happy too

So sorry about your Dad.
Your DP needs to discipline his DD and you do too. He can't let her carry on being so rude to you in your own home. He needs to be more considerate, you are vulnerable, you've lost both parents and have no family nearby so he should step up and be supportive and understanding.
And no, they shouldn't be going home to their Mum telling tales. How you run your house is your business, and your rules are your rules they need to follow.

I know it's all really hard to manage, and it just gets to me sometimes, I realise I'm probably being a bit sensitive ATM but it's harder when they're not your own kids as you can't say what u would say to your own. If for instance my dc said I don't like the dinner you've just made it's horrid, if it was me that cooked it I would at least say well you don't say that , you say something like sorry mum I know you just went to the effort of cooking this but I don't really like it. Then I would probably offer something else, not everyone likes everything I understand that, but when it's your sd who is really fussy and says that most days as petty as it is it gets to me. I want to say something but I can't. She would probably text her mum! Just these little things build up grrr

Sympathies

My dad has died recently too of cancer, and also spent many months running up and down the country, and found it really hard to keep on top of homelife, which with DSC and DC and full time jobs was full and stressed beforehand. We'd just had one DSC move in with us full time weeks before and I wanted him to feel at home, but also just wanted my own space more than ever. It's not easy, and I've also felt a bit isolated in the family at times, and missing the family that was my parents and me, and feeling an outsider in this big complicated blended family. Things like kids being rude about food I've cooked have resulted in me snapping at them, and on one occasion taking DSS's dinner away from him after he was rude about it! So maybe I'm less nervous than you are about upsetting them - their mum leaves them alone in this house, thankfully. But it's definitely harder when it's a DSC whose behaviour is irritating, as you are never sure how far you can push it with telling them off.

If they go complaining to their mum, does she get back in touch with you? Or your DP? Either way, she should be told firmly that you/DP will sort it out directly with the DSC, and she doesn't need to get involved.

I've also taken a few bits of time away from the big family - with just DH, or just one of my own DC, or with a friend, and that's been really nice. Not easy to arrange, but thankfully DH appreciates that I need a bit of that.

Oh so good to hear someone else in the same situation although not good for you sorry, just makes me feel like it's normal to feel that way. I don't always let things get to me but at the mo I'm just a bit more sensitive than normal dp does understand that. I think I'm future anything that's reported back and moaned about is going to have to be dealt with firmly! I'm often told by the mother her kids don't like me, and I'm this and that horrible to hear but I don't really think it's true they don't act like they dislike me just act a bit spoilt sometimes and I think they are encouraged not to like me. I miss my family and feel jealous my dp has his and his dcs have their grandparents to spoil them but I know it's not his fault I just can't help the way I feel. Thank you for your post evergreen x

See now what just happened, I talked to dsd about tea we agreed what we were having so I cooked it for everyone knowing she was pleased, but she didn't eat it, said she didn't feel like it, dp asked if anyone wanted anymore hot dogs she said yes so I heated them up gave her 2 she ran upstairs and shouted 'dad I don't want them anymore' he thought it was funny. I did not!

No, that's not funny, or cute. It's bloody rude. Your DP should realise that. Maybe step back a bit from all the household tasks you're doing - could he cook dinner more often when DSD is there, so he can be the one for her to turn her nose up at? Or if she's really fussy, could you suggest that DP cooks something child-friendly early in the evening, and then you can cook an adult meal for the two of you later?

I really can't understand father's attitude to this. It's not about shouting at the child, telling her she is an ungrateful brat and that she will have no TV for the rest of the month for her rudeness.

But surely explaining that you've taken the time to cook a meal for everyone (unless you made a point to cook something you know she hates!), and that even if it is not her favourite, it is not horrible as everyone else likes it, and that her words are hurtful.

Sometimes I feel that the issue is that disciplining is considered a whole or nothing, ie, either telling off and punishing in a way to make the child feels even more unworthy, or doing nothing at all and giving them the message that their behaviour is acceptable. There is a middle between the two that kids can be well receptive to.

Yep that's exactly what I think. He said to me what do u expect me to do grab her down force her to eat it? No of course not she just needs explaining to that it's not nice to behave like that she should at least try it, basically I expect the same as I would my own children but she's just pandered to and it drives me mad

This morning she wouldn't get up because she felt tired, so she hasn't gone to school. This happens regularly and my dcs and my other dsd obviously think it's unfair her being tiptoed around. I do think she has emotional issues though, I think she needs some sort of councelling myself she just doesn't act like an 11 year old she can't even dress herself in the morning.