I feel ExW takes the p*ss

[Mamamc123]

I came here to vent as my DSDs have yet again been handed over to my DP with nothing for the weekend!!! DP pays maintenance, as well as half of everything the kids need such as extracurricular activities, bus pass for the older daughter (she's at secondary school), half of all school uniforms and school shoes etc, older daughter gets pocket money and everything they could possibly want both whilst in our care and when at home with their mum.
What's really p*ssing me off is that mum keeps delaying handing over the kids stuff when we have them... she sends them without medication (youngest has eczema), without youngest's comfort blanket, no clothes... not even a pair of pants for the whole weekend!
Now we have bought on multiple occasions duplicate of everything so the girls have clothes, pjs, underwear, shoes etc for our house but they ALWAYS end up back at mum's and we never see them again! They are 7 and 12 so they want to use the nice things we buy them and it's hard to tell a 12 year old she can't wear her favourite new top the next weekend with her mum so inevitably all the things we provide get taken home with them.
Mum doesn't work thurs-fri every week yet when we pick up the girls on a Friday evening their clothes are "never ready" or "mum's not washed them"... "she'll drop them off tomorrow" but every time we either end up chasing her up to Saturday afternoon before we see any items of clothing or we end up nipping out and buying more just so we can take them out for the day.
I personally want to have a stern word with ExW but DP is so soft with her and it's costing us a fortune!!! It's driving me insane!
If it were up to me I would send could he kids back to mum's with what they came with and insist they leave the things we buy them here... but they end up liking their things here and obviously want to use them.
Also ExW and new partner have bought the youngest some toys for Christmas and she's ran the batteries out on them a few times, first time she told her dad on the phone she was upset that she couldn't play with a certain toy and he had some spare batteries in his van so dropped some off to her on her the way home. Batteries have gone again and ExW could be heard in the background telling her to get her dad to buy them again.
The cheek of it! I would never ask my ex to buy batteries for toys I bought our child for use at my house!
She's not hard up by any stretch, she constantly buying designer goods for herself and out with her new partner and friends according to the kids so she can't be struggling financially.
I feel like she's taking us for a ride moneywise and it's irritating!

Contact the school yourselves and ask what they need. Tell them your DP is planning to pay for half the trip and will be sending it direct to the school.

Watching how did that work? A form and photos? We are being told he needs to send a cheque for £75 for the passport...

It was a collective (group) passport. Infact it was when my son went to Spain. Both my kids passports had already expired. I had to fill in a form and attach a photo. Just double checked I wasn't remembering it incorrectly and they are infact a 'thing', they're on the government website. At the very least I'd make sure you write a cheque to the passport agency direct rather than hand over cash!

At any rate, a child's passport is £46 not £75!

WatchingFromTheWings
At any rate, a child's passport is £46 not £75!

Oh really? She told him he needed to hand over £75... Have informed him about group passports and actual prices for individual ones. Thanks so much :)

Just picked the kids up from school and DSS5 has no football kit or boots again today and mum isn't answering her phone. I wonder what she will say if we let him go to training wearing his (new) school shoes? (Don't worry DP buys all uniforms and shoes)

DSD has violin lessons today - with no violin...

Have informed him about group passports and actual prices for individual ones.

Check directly with the school what they are doing. My son went on a group passport but my daughter took a passport on her trip (Different schools).

We never get a toothbrush, sometimes dirty underwear and socks, the glittery pj's she hates wearing because they itch...the list goes on!
Happy to buy things for her to wear at our house but like you said they always end up going back never to be seen again. We pay more than our fair share, pay for all extra curricular activities and the costs associated (dance exams and outfits/shoes etc on top of the lesson fees) and then we get hints from DSD about taking her shopping to buy new clothes because mummy hasn't got any money! What does she do with the bloody maintenance money?!?!

Do you have them every other weekend? If you do then I would try and work out a way for them to stay on the Sunday night too. I know you said it's not possible but if they lived with you, you would need to work something out, so two Mondays each month should be manageable surely?

Then the problem is pretty much solved - the clothes stay at yours and that's it.

In the meantime stock up on some £2 leggings from primark and send them home wearing those.

Same story here!
Dp gave exw car & house in divorce & pays maintenance for the kids way above the legal requirement. Kids are all teens now & exw REFUSES to get any manner of a job! Sits at home all day reading & redecorating!
She routinely hands dp black sacks of unwashed clothes, lets the kids off school if she feels like it, feeds them takeout non stop & leaves them downstairs alone at night on school nights because she's 'tired' & 'needs her rest'!!! Dp rings every night to ensure they're not up too late & is at his wits end.
He stopped the maintenance for 2 weeks during the summer as he had the kids away on holidays - she hit the roof - fully expected money even though the kids weren't with her.
She spends their maintenance on herself & then expects dp to supply more money for clothes, activities, holidays etc.
I'm an exw myself & just cannot believe her cheek or the cheek of women like her who expect their ex husbands to slave away to 'keep' them.
I'm so sick of seeing dp wrecked from working all hours (he's self employed) for no thanks.

It really is as simple as sending the DC back to RP in whatever they came in. So what if it's school uniform on a Sunday night - presumably it's only for the journey home?

Nothing goes back and forth between our houses. Literally nothing except the clothes DC come in. For all the reasons mentioned above.

And pay for what is fair. That might be CMS amount, it might be more. But you are allowed to say that you can't afford to pay for everything on top of maintenance, so long as you are providing a fair amount in the first place. DC will work out who is keeping them short in the end. Boundaries...

Yep juliej75 I was just going to post that. It's only a car ride back. And the 12 year old is old enough to understand that you can't keep buying her clothes only for them to disappear after one use at your end.

Are you in a position where you could apply for primary custody (or whatever the term is now)?

Ex wasn't impressed at kids being sent back in the uniforms - she's used to them being washed...

Tough shit. She'll get used to it won't she and send them with proper clothes. Worth getting some boundaries in place now otherwise you've got many more years of doormatting to look forward to.

Sounds to me like she is neglecting them. If I was your dp I'd be fighting for full residency.

Children are expensive unfortunately

If she has money to go to the beautician though, then she has money for her half of the buss pass

Have you ever had a word? You or better your DP ought to try, I would. I'd be specific about expectations. Not packing a kid's comfort blanket is really mean.

First post! I don't know any of the abbreviations so I'm just using actual words! I've just been reading through this as I thought we had a problem...reality check..we don't! We live together and his son stays with us 2 or 3 nights a week, alternating weekly. He just has a full set of everything here, full toiletries set, including his baby teeth toothpaste (he is 6), his toothbrush etc. He has two wardrobes stockpiled full of clothes that his dad, grandparents and I have bought him, loads of shoes and coats. He arrives on Friday after school in his uniform and goes home on Sunday with his laundered uniform in a bag and some clothes on. What is the big deal? The trick is to never buy anything you cant afford to lose, if you're kitting him out in Prada versus Primark (okay, not Primark, M&S) then I'd see your point, but making a 6 year old change into school uniform to go home is just petty. WE are the adults, surely WE should be put out, NOT the child? I went through the period of buying him lovely things and ill admit, it was frustrating when I didn't see them again. So quite soon after we moved in together we just started stockpiling stuff for him at ours, this way he is never without anything. His dad washes his uniform on a Friday evening, and then washes all his clothes on a sunday. This is his dads job not mine as he is his son.

I honestly think you just need to make a conscious decision not to let this annoy you. Spend some money on a new wardrobe for the children, cheap and cheerful stuff and just crack on with it.

I don't know what to suggest, I suppose we are quite fortunate that my partner works in retail and often gets access to huge discounts. Kitting him out is therefore pretty cheap for us. She used to drop off clothes for him during the week, but they were just pretty crap, jogging bottoms when we had nice weekend plans that required something more special. I also felt bad dressing him in crappy old stuff when his dad and I were buying ourselves nice things. So we just unconsciously began to do things differently. Its rather easier because at 6, my boyfriend decides what he is wearing most days. Sundays outfits are usually more casual/basic stuff that is likely to be returned one day, or no huge issue if its not.