I feel ExW takes the p*ss

[Mamamc123]

I came here to vent as my DSDs have yet again been handed over to my DP with nothing for the weekend!!! DP pays maintenance, as well as half of everything the kids need such as extracurricular activities, bus pass for the older daughter (she's at secondary school), half of all school uniforms and school shoes etc, older daughter gets pocket money and everything they could possibly want both whilst in our care and when at home with their mum.
What's really p*ssing me off is that mum keeps delaying handing over the kids stuff when we have them... she sends them without medication (youngest has eczema), without youngest's comfort blanket, no clothes... not even a pair of pants for the whole weekend!
Now we have bought on multiple occasions duplicate of everything so the girls have clothes, pjs, underwear, shoes etc for our house but they ALWAYS end up back at mum's and we never see them again! They are 7 and 12 so they want to use the nice things we buy them and it's hard to tell a 12 year old she can't wear her favourite new top the next weekend with her mum so inevitably all the things we provide get taken home with them.
Mum doesn't work thurs-fri every week yet when we pick up the girls on a Friday evening their clothes are "never ready" or "mum's not washed them"... "she'll drop them off tomorrow" but every time we either end up chasing her up to Saturday afternoon before we see any items of clothing or we end up nipping out and buying more just so we can take them out for the day.
I personally want to have a stern word with ExW but DP is so soft with her and it's costing us a fortune!!! It's driving me insane!
If it were up to me I would send could he kids back to mum's with what they came with and insist they leave the things we buy them here... but they end up liking their things here and obviously want to use them.
Also ExW and new partner have bought the youngest some toys for Christmas and she's ran the batteries out on them a few times, first time she told her dad on the phone she was upset that she couldn't play with a certain toy and he had some spare batteries in his van so dropped some off to her on her the way home. Batteries have gone again and ExW could be heard in the background telling her to get her dad to buy them again.
The cheek of it! I would never ask my ex to buy batteries for toys I bought our child for use at my house!
She's not hard up by any stretch, she constantly buying designer goods for herself and out with her new partner and friends according to the kids so she can't be struggling financially.
I feel like she's taking us for a ride moneywise and it's irritating!

No you're right he doesn't pay her to wash their clothes - he pays for her to "maintain" them when they're in her care which she doesn't seem to be doing a great job of to be honest with you!
Their washing machine broke about 9 months ago so I went round every week to pick up some washing for the girls for a couple of weeks running, even did some of the ExW's stuff like bedding etc to be nice - turned out the machine was fixed after about 5 days... so trust me you don't know the cheek of this woman. If she clocked on to them bringing the laundry from their house to us inevitably we'd end up with it all 😂
I'm happy to wash whatever they use at ours of course, I'm just sick of ExW taking liberties all the time.

Well TBH if someone else offered to come round and do my laundry I'd happily oblige

If you're happy to wash what they need for the weekend then do that. If they come with extra stuff that you think she has deliberately not washed then wait until after they they go back on Sunday to wash it and then you have it at yours for their next visit. Or if they want to take it home, let them, but it will be unwashed.

Haha I like the way you think!
It's so difficult, the kids are ace and I was trying to think of ways we could stop mum being a d*ck without the kids knowing how annoyed we are getting with their mum. It's not their fault things like this keep happening.
Anyway, some good advice of you bunch of mumsnetters 👍🏻
I'll keep you posted if we find a miracle way to become a perfectly harmonious blended family haha 😂😂😂

I feel your pain.

DSDs got sent to ours for a week with 2 pairs of pants between them.

Always dirty unsuitable clothes if any (I am not a launderette).

In fact OP I think you are me.

Girls are sent with no coats (even though we have bought them one each). Sometimes sent with an empty bloody suitcase.

We buy them pants and socks and they disappear back to their mums and the dog eats the pants apparently.

We cannot afford to pay her £500 a month and be a never ending supply of clothes.

Oh ladies I feel your pain. We had this every fortnight and on zero mat pay we were back and forth to next every contact visit. It cost us a fortune and we never got the clothes/shoes/coats/underwear back we sent them home in. There was always a good excuse. She even had the cheek to complain she didn't like a pair of shoes we bought

This was when I started to realise what a piece of work she was. It really hit home when she told us she'd contacted CMS to take my income into account as I must be rich as I'd bought myself a new car and a lot of clothes and presents for your DC you stupid cow. I'm not rich by the way but used to be very generous with what money I did have. I've put a stop to that as everyone involved was more than ungrateful.

Needless to say, I have nothing to do with her DC anymore and they don't ever stay at my house. A situation she has largely created.

These women are game players and have no interest in their child's best interests but think they can use them to their advantage to get one over on their ex and partner. I'll be absolutely damned if I'm playing games with a total dick like that for the rest of my days

OP - we had exactly the same situation, the ex simply wanted to cause expense/inconvenience for DH. DH never challenged things for fear of 'rocking the boat' ........ Used to cost us a small fortune and it made my blood boil!

DSC have a shared drawer in the 'jesus christ' cupboard at my DPs :( I recently gave him an old (but perfectly OK) book case as more storage and sorted out all the drawers for the DSC. They now have a drawer each for clothes and a shared one for underwear and PJs. DSS has a few t-shirts (yes in winter), one pair of tatty combat jeans and one pair of jeans he can't wear as they won't stay up. DSD has one pair of leggings (with a hole that I sewed up) and two tshirts. Both were sent this weekend with no coat. I feel so sorry for them as when they are with their dad they don't get to wear anything nice, or even anything weather appropriate.

They got lots of clothes for christmas - all has ended up at their mum's house and apparently this happens with any clothes they go back home in. DP says it doesn't make sense for them to have clothes at his as they are 'only' there 6 days out of 14 so will not challenge their mum about not sending them with any clothes. They turn up with the outfit they are wearing and not even any clean underwear - DP has to wash the clothes whilst they are in bed so they have something to wear the next day.

I am tempted to buy them outfits myself but the wellies I got them so they can play outside have never come back with them despite DP asking for outdoor footwear each weekend. It's quite a new relationship so I don't want to start interfering and clothing his kids.

(FWIW he pays above the CSA amount, she lives in his 2nd house rent free, and he pays for all school clothes/shoes/club uniforms. He also pays for swimming lessons x2, brownies, cubs, cornet lessons, keyboard lessons, ukelele lessons, drama club x2, salsa lessons x2 and waterskiing x2 (in the summer at 30 per child per week for 20 minutes). He lives extremely modestly and doesn't have any spare cash to fund new outfits every weekend :(

Buy them one of these each...

We experienced the same issue as the OP (DSC turning up in scruffy hand me downs and going home in new clothes, never to be seen again, accompanied by the clothes they came in freshly laundered). We now make the children change back into the clothes they came in (this could be school uniform or clothes from their Mother's).

I HATE doing this. The clothes belong to the children and they should be able to wear what they want, when they want. But like PPs we were buying new clothes every month and it wasn't sustainable.

It's such a stupid situation and one that I hope will stop once the DSC become old enough to pack a bag for themselves.

We have the same exact issue with Dp's ExW and their kids except they were younger than yours when it started. I have to second the advice of making him wait on the doorstep until his ex appears with their clothes. We have had to do this innumerable times and eventually it did work but there was a small amount of fighting fire with fire involved.

She refused to send the clothes we bought back to our house so I might have stopped reminding the kids to collect anything that needed to go back to their mums. After a few times (inc just before they went on holiday) of having to ring up and ask if we had x, y or z things she finally twigged to the fact life is a lot smoother when she didn't piss about!!

Happened to a friend of mine so he docked her maintenance he provided her with receipts and was meticulous with the accounting I think she threatened court etc but it never happened still sees the kids now

He docked the maintenance because he bought his kids clothes - class act not.

Not sure what part of the rules say that if one pays the other maintenance then the other is not responsible foe buying anything for their DCs - small minded petty and childish.

Pretty weird to send children over without clothes! My ex has clothes at his but often if DD came home in them, they got mingled with our stuff and I couldn't remember what was what. I just pack a little overnight bag for her and ex sends her home wearing the change of clothes and yesterday's clothes in the bag. Maybe when you pick them up, if they are in school uniform, just offer to wait in the car whilst they change. Or text them and say you're on the way, go and put some weekend clothes on.

I don't see what the problem is. Just enforce the rule that they go back to their mum wearing what they came in.

Having a suitcase and a checklist is ace - I had it going between my parents houses as well as spare pairs of everything.

I'm forgetful and I imagine my mum would have played tricks like this too

Send them back in the clothes they arrive in and keep all new stuff at your house. It's the only way.

I think you just have to explain to the kids that because everything they take back to their Mum's house disappears, you have to put a stop to it. Because you can't afford to kit them out in new clothes every week, it's not realistic.
As unlikely as many posters on MN find it, some XP DO take the piss when it comes to providing for their kids. Whether that's the RP not providing clothes, or the NRP not paying maintenance, it's the same thing.

I'd say the same. They need to go back in what they came in. Clothing kids isn't cheap. She sounds like a grade a piss taker and it's obviously very sad for the children but the money should be spent doing things for or with them rather than having to fork out for clothes his ex can't be bothered to send back. I'd get them to all stay at yours and if the 12 year old complained I'd gently explain why.

You're going to have to bite the bullet then, either reduce maintenance or, steel yourselves to insist that stuff you pay for, stays at your home!
I understand your reluctance to do the latter, as it isn't fair to the DC, but if you're having them on an almost 50/50 basis, surely you could reduce the maintenance?

Well my DP has grown a pair :) his ex sent the children round again in their school uniforms, with no change of clothes for 3 nights, 4 days. He has no clothes here for them at all now as they go home in an outfit from here every weekend, and a clean school uniform. Well today we went out and bough a whole new wardrobe (again) but sent them home in their school uniforms (they had been cleaned).

He's just been informed though he has £150 to pay for a trip to Disneyland Paris (and a passport) and £55 for a camping trip. That's not half - that's all of it, like it always is...

If it's all of the cost and their agreement is they each pay half, then he puts his foot down - yes, again - and only pays his half.

No one wants to feel mean or as though they're not putting their children first, but there's clear blue water between neglect/not contributing and writing "I'm a door mat please walk all over me" on your forehead. If he keeps giving in then she'll keep taking the piss. Short term pain for longer term harmony hopefully!

He's just been informed though he has £150 to pay for a trip to Disneyland Paris (and a passport) and £55 for a camping trip. That's not half - that's all of it, like it always is...

He needs to pay the school half the amount and let her pay the other half.

Double check with the school re: passport. When my DD went to France last year she didn't need one. Just a photo and a form.

Same situation here.
We deal with it by just insisting that all the stuff we buy stays here. Children go back to their mum wearing what they arrived in. Its difficult but we have no choice as DH pays double the CMS maintenance and we agree that's the right thing to do but means that we can't afford to top up the kids wardrobes etc much on top to see the clothes, books stationary etc disappear forever each and every week.

Watching how did that work? A form and photos? We are being told he needs to send a cheque for £75 for the passport...