Stepping back

[Lala1980]

DP and I keep falling out over DSS's behaviour.
I have been advised (not on here) to disengage and not get involved in parenting dss and let DP get on with it.
Any practical advice given that DSS lives with us full time and I'm often left in charge when DP is at work.
I find it hard not to speak up when I see behaviours I find unacceptable but DP is a lot less strict than me...
DSS is 14 but a young 14 (ADD and mild Aspergers). I appreciate his lack of contact with his mum and siblings (she kicked him out as she couldn't manage his behaviour) contributes to how he behaves but I have been advised structure and boundaries will help. However he is getting big and strong now, and keeps getting suspended for violent behaviour at school so DP's apathy is worrying me.
If I disengage will anyone help him as school just suspend him, DP just doesn't know what to do, and his mum gave up on him. I don't want to give up on him too but don't know how best to support DP or DSS.

I'm often left in charge when DP is at work.

You can't step back and continue to be in sole charge. So this has to change.

What would your DP do for childcare if you weren't in his life?

If your DP would leave your DSS home alone, then do it. Make arrangements not to be there with your DSS when your DP isn't.

I appreciate that might cause complete carnage if he can't be trusted and may even lead to damage to your home - but disengaging/stepping back is a last resort to save your relationship..
Whatever happens, either you disengage or leave, your DP will be left managing alone. At least by disengaging, you stand the chance of him seeing how much you actually do, and it might change things for the better.

This isn't on. I had similar, with DSD being 'sent' to ours by her mother. DP working. She had some special needs too.

You are in a potentially volatile and violent situation, so it is more extreme. The trouble is, stepping back only reinforces the no rules, no structure, no boundaries situation and your DSS may not leave home for years. TBH in your position I would be getting the Mum to step up, have a shared parenting agreement even, and get your DP to work less hours and get him to step up too. I would ask him to do this or split up. I honestly think this is too much strain on you.

We have put a c100 form into court re various issues with mum.
Neither of us can afford to work less but are discussing changing jobs so we earn the same between us but with a different balance.
It's hard as sometimes DSS is lovely and sometimes very scary.

Alternative childcare would be DP's mum but Nanny would let him get away with more which I think would compound the issue...