Whole thing is a total fucking mess

[MycatsaPirate]

This may be long, quite a huge backstory

Dp split with his ex 6 years ago when she left taking their DD with them. She was 8 at the time and he has an older DD who was 16.

I moved in with dp 4 years ago with my DD's, then 13 and 6.

We had regular contact with his youngest who would come to use Eow and extra time when her mum was away with her partner and during the holidays. There were lots of minor issues which weren't helped by his ex involving herself in and causing small problems to be escalated into major ones. Things like his DD saying I never asked her to do anything in the house (like picking up stuff or tidying) like I did my own DD's involved a 2 hour meeting between dp and ex with his DD apparently 'sobbing her heart out'.

So I started asking her to pick up stuff she'd left etc. Then dp got another call and another 2 hour meeting with DD sobbing her heart out because I was picking on her and making her do everything.

Instead of her mum leaving it to us to sort out, she involved herself in everything with the result that if his DD didn't like anything then she would tell her mum so that her mum could basically start issuing orders. Things got very fraught.

Two years ago their divorce was finalised and in court she said that contact was very amicable and dp was having dd eow and extra time when wanted and that no court order was needed. She was given substantial monies from the settlement to let her keep a home in the area as their DD was settled at school and with friends etc.

So we ended up homeless and skint as Dp wasn't working because of an accident but we found a house to rent and made sure that there was room for his DD to share with my youngest (having the bigger bedroom) with my teen having the box room.

A few weeks after the divorce his ex emailed him to say they were moving. Just over an hour away, his DD would be moving schools and they were moving in with her new partner. Dp was devastated. This would mean reduced contact as we were having her until the Monday and she was going to school from our home. To start with we still saw her eow but very quickly contact started to dwindle away and once his ex had enrolled their DD into a saturday activity that was it. We had her here September 2015 for four days and then December 2015 for four days.

Dp sees her every monday evening very briefly as my DD goes to the same activity but she will not talk to him. He rings her and she won't answer. He calls the house but gets told she's not in/busy/asleep/doesn't want to talk to him. As you can imagine this is hurting him massively.

The last time his DD was here she had gone out with a friend and refused to come back because dp wouldn't let her sleep over at the friends house. This was because he had barely seen her in months and wanted to spend time with her. She kicked off at him (I kept completely out of it) and she spent the rest of the time on her laptop not talking to anyone in the house at all.

Two years ago his ex was diagnosed with cancer. We have no idea of what's going on with treatment or prognosis as no-one will tell dp. however, yesterday dp rang his dd to say happy christmas and was told she was asleep (at 11.30am). His ex rang back and said that DD didn't want to talk to him. She also said that she was protecting their DD from him because dp hadn't been showing any care or concern over her cancer diagnosis. It was a very long phone call and it ended up with her hanging up on him in anger.

She told him she is going into a hospice today and they aren't sure when she will be coming out if at all. Dp is hugely concerned about the effect this is having on his DD and also what the hell will happen if the worst happens to his ex?

At the moment his dd is in the care of his wife's partner but he has memory problems due to an accident and isn't in the best of health. Dp is angry that his ex has basically pulled his DD away from him at a time when she should have been encouraging contact to ensure support from her Dad.

I have said to dp that there needs to be a meeting to sort this out. If the worst happens we want his DD to come to us and live with us. I know his ex thinks I hate his DD but I don't. I care about her but the conflict between her parents has caused no end of conflict in her and I think that she has felt she needs to choose. It's just an awful mess.

I'm worried that things have been left too late to fix. I'm scared that his DD will want to stay with a man who although very nice, is not her dad and is not capable of parenting a teenage girl through her teens. I'm concerned that she may have to move schools again.

Neither of us know what the hell to do now.

How heartbreaking for your DSD, in regards to your DH texting she might just not be in a fit state to reply.

OP your DH needs to speak to his ex. He needs to find out how ill she is so that they can work together to support their daughter. If she's admitting now that she was wrong to stifle the contact then he needs to work with her to help their poor DD (who quite possibly thinks her father doesn't care and her mother is dying - she could feel completely abandoned by everyone).

It's stipulated in my will when/if I die while DD2 is under 18 my parental responsibility for her passed to my DH (her stepdad)

I hope you realise that is not legally binding in any way. You cannot will a child. You can state your wishes, but if anyone objects then a court will decide and it'll be decided on what is best for the child. He will have to go to court to get PR even if no-one objects, or he'll have to just look after her without PR because you can't transfer it.

If you want your DH to have PR for her then you should get him it now. Yours isn't transferable.

I do understand you saying she needs her Dad but she also needs what will help her the most. If she feels happier staying at her own house with her step dad then that's what she needs.

If her mum is currently in a hospice you're past the just texting the daughter stage. Your partner needs to be calling the step dad and probably having a talk to him face to face to discuss provisions and what will happen.

He needs to step up and be level headed in this situation as he's the one with the least emotional involvement and heartache.

I'm pretty sure that anyone on here who is a parent whose child lived with the other parent and they died, would want their child to come and live with them rather than stay with a step-parent.

I totally agree. The problem here is that you are worried that your DSD won't want to do this due to her current lack of contact. The reality here is that presumably your DH has parental responsibility, and if her mother is dying he may later need to go to court to enforce this, but the court will take your DSD's feelings into account. Really this needs to wait until after her mother has passed away as it will not be helpful to anyone to insist on this if she is in the terminal phase of illness.
Personally I think Pheebs idea for a letter would be the best start and gradually to try and build up some more contact, but be very patient. Some sort of shared residency with her stepdad in future may be the best thing for your DSD as she will probably want to retain those links with her mother. TBH her stepdad may well not really want her living with him forever anyway- you don't know what the situation is there and what he has promised because he feels bad for his dying wife.
Loosing her mother will be a massively disorienting thing for your DSD. It's bad enough for an adult, and whatever happens you all need to put her first when you are working out what to do. A difficult situation OP, I wish all of you the best

Lala the court would take my wishes for PR into consideration. We have tried he won't give permission and my MH isn't up for the massive drama a court case would ensure.

DD's dad is massively massively abusive to the point he is not allowed unsupervised access. I have already stated it's completely different circumstances to the op's. I only mentioned it as to warn her SD's mother may have stipulated similar.

MyCats I really wasn't insinuating your situation was parallel to mine in away way.

Despite my own situation I fully believe that in most cases children should be with there other birth parent in your instances like your own.

unborn I know. I think it's a difficult situation. If it was me in his exes position I'd be doing everything to ensure my dc stayed with my DP as their own dad is an abusive, violent, drug taking arsehole who shouldn't ever have the title of Dad really. My dp is a good dad. He's the one who irons school uniform, takes them to activities, parties, is willing to get up at 3am and pick teen up if needed. He is the epitome of a good parent. Which is why, despite his DD's stepdad being a nice man, I do think her dad should be primary carer if her mum is no longer around. Not because her stepdad is a bad guy, he's not but he's not her dad.

Dp met up with DD's stepdad this week for a quick chat. Seemingly DD is just being stubborn in refusing to talk to Dp or see him. She doesn't have a reason. And because Dp keeps trying to talk to her or asks if she'd like to see him she keeps backing off even more. So it's a stalemate. Dp is now going to just leave things (as advised by stepdad) to see if she will come round a bit.

I just hope that in a years time when there's been no contact it's not because DP hasn't been in touch with her. At this point he can't win either way.

His ex is due to come home soon so fingers crossed she's feeling a bit better. It's seemingly a cycle she goes through regularly where pain in unmanageable at home so really hope she has a long stay at home now with her partner and DD.

Thanks for the update mycat. Your DH maintaining contact with his DD's stepdad sounds like a really good starting point to gradually build on. Teens are a frustrating age group at times. I read once that their rational thought process don't develop as quickly as their emotions do, which does explain a lot I think Hope everything resolves to a good relationship between everyone in the end

slightly Yes, we've had two go through the teen years already, they most certainly are extremely unreasonable at times. But the two we have got through to adulthood are lovely young women now and we just hope that in time DSD comes through this and chooses to want to see us all.

My teen is leaving home in 3 weeks to head off to uni so we are going to make her room DSD's and let her know that she has her own room here if she ever wants to stay. Previously she was sharing with my youngest.