Whole thing is a total fucking mess

[MycatsaPirate]

This may be long, quite a huge backstory

Dp split with his ex 6 years ago when she left taking their DD with them. She was 8 at the time and he has an older DD who was 16.

I moved in with dp 4 years ago with my DD's, then 13 and 6.

We had regular contact with his youngest who would come to use Eow and extra time when her mum was away with her partner and during the holidays. There were lots of minor issues which weren't helped by his ex involving herself in and causing small problems to be escalated into major ones. Things like his DD saying I never asked her to do anything in the house (like picking up stuff or tidying) like I did my own DD's involved a 2 hour meeting between dp and ex with his DD apparently 'sobbing her heart out'.

So I started asking her to pick up stuff she'd left etc. Then dp got another call and another 2 hour meeting with DD sobbing her heart out because I was picking on her and making her do everything.

Instead of her mum leaving it to us to sort out, she involved herself in everything with the result that if his DD didn't like anything then she would tell her mum so that her mum could basically start issuing orders. Things got very fraught.

Two years ago their divorce was finalised and in court she said that contact was very amicable and dp was having dd eow and extra time when wanted and that no court order was needed. She was given substantial monies from the settlement to let her keep a home in the area as their DD was settled at school and with friends etc.

So we ended up homeless and skint as Dp wasn't working because of an accident but we found a house to rent and made sure that there was room for his DD to share with my youngest (having the bigger bedroom) with my teen having the box room.

A few weeks after the divorce his ex emailed him to say they were moving. Just over an hour away, his DD would be moving schools and they were moving in with her new partner. Dp was devastated. This would mean reduced contact as we were having her until the Monday and she was going to school from our home. To start with we still saw her eow but very quickly contact started to dwindle away and once his ex had enrolled their DD into a saturday activity that was it. We had her here September 2015 for four days and then December 2015 for four days.

Dp sees her every monday evening very briefly as my DD goes to the same activity but she will not talk to him. He rings her and she won't answer. He calls the house but gets told she's not in/busy/asleep/doesn't want to talk to him. As you can imagine this is hurting him massively.

The last time his DD was here she had gone out with a friend and refused to come back because dp wouldn't let her sleep over at the friends house. This was because he had barely seen her in months and wanted to spend time with her. She kicked off at him (I kept completely out of it) and she spent the rest of the time on her laptop not talking to anyone in the house at all.

Two years ago his ex was diagnosed with cancer. We have no idea of what's going on with treatment or prognosis as no-one will tell dp. however, yesterday dp rang his dd to say happy christmas and was told she was asleep (at 11.30am). His ex rang back and said that DD didn't want to talk to him. She also said that she was protecting their DD from him because dp hadn't been showing any care or concern over her cancer diagnosis. It was a very long phone call and it ended up with her hanging up on him in anger.

She told him she is going into a hospice today and they aren't sure when she will be coming out if at all. Dp is hugely concerned about the effect this is having on his DD and also what the hell will happen if the worst happens to his ex?

At the moment his dd is in the care of his wife's partner but he has memory problems due to an accident and isn't in the best of health. Dp is angry that his ex has basically pulled his DD away from him at a time when she should have been encouraging contact to ensure support from her Dad.

I have said to dp that there needs to be a meeting to sort this out. If the worst happens we want his DD to come to us and live with us. I know his ex thinks I hate his DD but I don't. I care about her but the conflict between her parents has caused no end of conflict in her and I think that she has felt she needs to choose. It's just an awful mess.

I'm worried that things have been left too late to fix. I'm scared that his DD will want to stay with a man who although very nice, is not her dad and is not capable of parenting a teenage girl through her teens. I'm concerned that she may have to move schools again.

Neither of us know what the hell to do now.

Whose fault it is, whether your DP is a good dad, how you feel, all that is irrelevant. All that matters is following DDs lead, letting her turn to you when she wants to. All you can do is make clear that you are there for her and will support her choices.

There is no intention to bad mouth her mother, I'm trying to get across that until his ex moved everything was fine and then she started saying DD wasn't available to come here on such a regular basis that it was months between visits. It's now been 12 months since she's been here but as I said Dp makes the point of going to the activity every week and always gives her a hug and tries to have a chat. She's never very responsive in conversation but doesn't push him away.

She also talks to my teen on snapchat and facebook. Neither dp or I have even attempted to add her on fb as we don't want to put her in a position she feels uncomfortable.

Dp has no intention of discussing this with his DD. He has no intention of saying it's her mum's fault. He has no intention of badmouthing her mum to her and has never done so.

Any time we had her here we concentrated on the here and now. So we would go out, visit family (generally mine, my parents really like her too) and go on days out. Dp would ask how she's been and what she's been up to but 'fine' and 'not much' were the general replies and it was left at that. We are aware that age 12 to 13 is the age where conversation can be limited (we have both been through this already with two teenage girls).

I am struggling to come across as fair to all parties but obviously it's hard to do so when her own mum admits she's fucked up in cutting dp out of their dd's life over the last 12 months. Because of HER feelings, not DDs. I do think that DD has felt conflicted and has 'chosen' (for want of a better word) her mum.

As a family unit they were extremely happy but when her mum left (taking her with her) DD didn't deal with it well. She originally spent huge amounts of time with her dad, pretty much 50/50 parenting until she was about 10. I did a lot of school runs, picking up from clubs, cooking for her, taking her out, I've bought and chosen presents for her for the last 5 years (dp bless him is a good man but not really up to date with what girls want). Apparently the hoodie I bought for her this xmas was a huge hit and hasn't been taken off yet. This makes me happy.

I am going to talk to Dp later once my girls are in bed and say about writing a letter to her. And doing it regularly. I think that's a really good idea.

I'm sad by your post OP as there does just seem to be a frantic grab by your DP to gain his daughter. When her mum is dying. Honestly have a heart. Work with her step dad afterwards, cooperate, help.

It might be the best thing for his daughter, to have minimal change. But you both don't seem to care.

Pheebs suggestion is a brilliant one. No stress, just friendly chat and a tacit reminder that he is always out there for her and she is always welcome. Sounds like a really hard situation for you all.

bananas There is no desperate grab for his DD. We are looking ahead and thinking of different options and solutions.

His ex is going to talk to their DD and try to encourage contact with her dad from her side. At the same time my DP is going to try and talk to her and let her know he is here for her.

I'm pretty sure that anyone on here who is a parent whose child lived with the other parent and they died, would want their child to come and live with them rather than stay with a step-parent.

I look at my ex who is a violent, aggressive control freak who doesn't deserve his children and then my dp who is a gentle, kind man who would do anything for anyone and frequently puts himself out to pick up my teen or take my DD2 swimming and I feel sad that he's a decent dad who has been denied contact for so long because of her mum. Something she admits.

There may be minimal time to fix the damage but I hope it's enough.

It is sad but at least ex has seen the error of her ways now and contact can be reinstated. Dwelling on it does nothing to help the situation.

And I would hope the wants of the child would be put above the wants of the parent regarding future living situations. I have a child from a previous relationship and a new child with my partner and it would be my worst nightmare if DD1 was snatched away from my DP and her sibling to live with my ex if anything happened to me. It would be another loss for her.

Poor girl, what an awful situation for her. I think you just need to respect her and let her decide who she lives with. The language used saying your partner wants her with you sounds like she may feel out of control. He should have gone to court a few years back to get regular access, I fear it's too late now.

I know you are keen to have her but I think you have to be careful that your actions show that.

You moved into her original family home if I read right? Does she still have her room to go to as it was before she moved or has that been changed? if you've changed it did she have an input?

If you could do things to the home to make her feel more welcome & part of it perhaps it's worth mulling over.

Also I'm a bit confused over the activity that you partner takes your daughter to to see his own daughter. I would imagine that its horrific to see your father taking another child & driving off with them instead. I don't think this is helping your cause despite the intention. Can he not take his own daughter and you sort out yours? What is stopping him picking her up as well?

I guess she may feel totally replaced & I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to go back to that. Rather than focus on the stuff you can't control why not look at what you can change.

My cats I am in that position and that is not the case. My children would prefer to stay with their step dad and their wishes are being respected for continuities sake.

They went to Court for the divorce and his ex said no contact order was needed as they had been following EOW plus half holidays since separation and that all was very amicable in that respect. And it was. It was only a few months later that she moved and that's when it all fell apart. By that point we had absolutely no money and a huge bill to pay for his legal fees. We were also facing homelessness.

Yes, originally my girls and I moved into what was the family home. A tiny two bed cottage. Dp and I slept in the living room, we gave the biggest room to my DD2 and his DD with my teen having the smaller room.

However, the house was sold during the divorce, most of the money went to her mum and we are now renting. We have three bedrooms now, teen has the box room, we have the main bedroom and the other large room has the bunks in for DD2 and DSD. She has her own sets of drawers here and there are a few of her belongings here including clothes but I suspect the clothes no longer fit her and she has shown no interest in having any of her things. Teen is off to university next month and has said she is happy for all her stuff to be boxed up away in the loft so DSD can use her room or even live in it permanently should the need arise. It would become DSD's room either way and teen is happy to sleep on the sofa when she's home in the holidays.

We can't decorate as it's not a permanent home and she has only been to this house once since we moved here.

The activity is in the local town, 10 minutes from our house. DSD lives 90 minutes away in the opposite direction and her stepdad brings her. If Dp didn't take my DD then would it look like DP doesn't want to see his DD at all? I do think it's a no win situation for him sometimes. He literally drives up, DD goes in, Dp also goes in, says hello to his DD and gives her a hug and that's pretty much it. If he didn't go then he wouldn't see her at all. As it is, he at least sees her once a week for a few minutes.

Dp collecting her and taking her would involve around 6 hours of driving on a monday evening starting at 4pm and him arriving home around 11.30pm - midnight depending on traffic. He doesn't get home from work until 5.30pm.

When DSD lived round the corner I used to take all of them. I'd pick her up and take her with mine, we'd whack the music up and all sing at the tops of our voices on the drive to town. I've driven to pick her up from camps, we've taken her on holiday with us, she's had days out with just me, just DP, just my teen. She's had time alone with her dad at home, she's had time alone with me and DD2. I've bought lots of things for the two of them to do over the years which they have both loved.

One thing I found was that when she was here longer than a weekend, things got much easier. We all found our way and settled down into being a family unit. I think that the last two visits were difficult due to the distance between visits, the onset of the hormone years (which are difficult for everyone) and obviously her mum's illness is going to affecting her too.

I think all you can do now is be there for her. Put absolutely no pressure on at all but let her know she has a bedroom at yours if and when she needs it. I can imagine moving away from her step dad who she has lived with for years and her friends would be detrimental to her mental health and you need to respect that. I see how it's tough for your partner but this girl is going to lose her mum.

She's lived with her stepdad for 18 months. Not years and years.

I do understand what you are saying but I see so many posts where dads make no effort with their kids but when you have a situation like this and he's a good dad, I find it hard to understand why he's effectively being told to just leave her with her stepdad.

If I had posted saying the scenario and that dp doesn't want to have her here if her mum dies then I'd have no doubt been inundated with posters saying he needs to step up and be a proper dad, offer her a home, she should be coming to live with him etc. Yet because he does want to be a proper dad to her, have her here he still seems to be doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes I do think men can't do right for doing wrong. And that's certainly how I feel as a stepmum a lot of the time.

wanna Your situation is different. Your family is different. I am sure that whatever you do is in the best interests of your dc. We feel that his DD remaining with her stepdad, away from extended family, away from a lot of her friends and pretty isolated is not in her best interests. However we are mindful that we need to take into consideration what she wants.

18 months ago she didn't want to move. She wanted to stay here but her mum had decided to move in with her partner. So she had no choice. She has settled but her best friends still live here. Her dad, her aunts on both sides all live here. She would slot back into school here with no issue because she still has the same friendship group. There is one activity she does there but that could be transferred here if she wants to. I'm not saying that this will all happen, it's something that needs to be discussed and decided by her and her dad. Her stepdad has no PR for her, I have no idea what his exes wishes are for her should the worst happen (and I truly hope the worst doesn't happen for everyone's sake). But ultimately she needs a relationship with her dad, with us all.

At the moment she is spending a lot of time on her own at the house while her mum is in the hospice. Her stepdad also spends a lot of time there. So no one is actually looking after her and I just wish we lived closer so she could at least have a meal to come home to or have someone to talk to.

You don't seem able to accept that your DP has massively let his DD down, it's just excuse after excuse.
She's about to go through the trauma of losing her mum and every single one of your posts is concentrating on you and your DP and how hard it's been for you.

You're coming across as very cold.

Her mum is in a hospice which means she must be really poorly. Now is not the time for your partner to be making up for lost time and trying to force a relationship. It needs to be on her terms. If she wants to move to yours in the future that's nice but she needs to have the choice with no pressure.

chipped I'm certainly not cold. I've been through the trauma of losing both parents at the same time as a child, I certainly have a huge amount of compassion for her.

I fail to see how he's let her down. The divorce hearing she said there was contact. Agreed. Then she moved and it dwindled. Dp continued to email and call asking to see DD but was rebuffed with constant excuses that DD was busy/doing an activity/out with friends. Then ex was diagnosed with cancer. At that point he couldn't win no matter what he did. Court action was certainly out of the question as it would be now. It wouldn't benefit anyone, certainly not the ex who is dealing with her treatment and illness and most definitely not DD who doesn't need her parents fighting over her. So he did nothing except continue to call her and be met with rebuff after rebuff from her stepdad.

She NEEDS her dad. She NEEDS the one other person who has been in her life constantly since she was born. He is not trying to force a relationship, just let her know he is still here. Still waiting for her to decide when she is ready that she wants to speak to him.

She will never be forced into anything. She's a young teen who has too much on her plate but I don't think she is old enough, responsible enough or emotionally able to make life long decisions at the moment. If her mum dies then we will cross that bridge. As I said previously, I truly hope that doesn't happen. Not because I wouldn't want her with us but because I would hate for her to have to cope with it. I'm not a heartless bitch in any way at all.

FFS it's still all about what you have decided she NEEDS.

I really sympathise op we've been in a very similar position with an alienating exw . Exw is fine health wise sadly😡---- but the damage done to the relationship and the over sharing of adult issues is awful. People don't understand why it's like if they've not lived through it .
We are in the middle of court proceedings to get access but want psychological support for the kids too. This might be a good move or you guys as I'm sure your step daughter really needs this at this awful time for her. Best of luck.

I feel for you OP and hope you get some resolution for the sake of dsds future. Poor girl. Lots of people projecting their own issues on this thread. I know first hand how difficult it can be when a mother decides that they no longer want their children to have contact, and that it not always about the father being a crap dad.

I would encourage him to write a loving and supportive letter and that he should explain to her that she is very welcome to stay with you whenever she wants to and for as long as she wants to. He should then attempt contact by phone or email as often as possible. He needs to be very careful not to alienate her when she is suffering such a stressful and frightening time.

Thank you to the last three posters who actually seem to understand the issue here. Dp and I talked about this again today very briefly, it's been difficult having time to talk with my DD2 being off school on holiday. It's not something we would discuss in front of her.

I would have thought any parent would think about what a child needs, whether the child is 3 or 13. I certainly think we would be failing her if we didn't try and think about her needs. And part of that is looking to the future and trying to anticipate potential issues/problems and searching for solutions now rather than leaving it until it's hitting her/us.

Saying a child needs both parents is something said on this forum endlessly. So saying she needs her dad isn't me deciding what she needs, its a basic fact. He's not a drug addict/alcoholic/control freak/abusive/violent/aggressive man. He's a good kind soul. Far too laid back if he has to have a fault but he's a good dad.

Sorry if this sounds mean but is your SD's mother the type to lie about being ill? I'm know it's a horrible thought but it has been known for very manipulative people to make up or exaggerate the extent of an illness in order to be able to get what they want. Hopefully your DH's ex isn't as bad as ours and wouldn't do something so awful!

Lilets it's awful to have to think in those terms isn't it but we've been secretly recorded by the kids on orders of the exw amongst a number of other hideous damaging tactics so I totally see why you're asking!
Op I really do understand and she's lucky she has you both trying to secure a stable future for her in the best way you can. And do try to keep in mind these things do take time we've gone from no contact and the kids thinking we're both vile to a week at centre parcs they chose to come on and had a great time. So when it seems impossible to pull back it isn't always just stay consistent . We always say 'we have to do us and what happens will happen we can't control the rest but they will remember we always were just ourselves'

MyCats I really feel for you in regards to her partner she may have made plans.

It's stipulated in my will when/if I die while DD2 is under 18 my parental responsibility for her passed to my DH (her stepdad)

This isn't relevant as you and your DH seem to be doing what in her best interests whereas DD2's Dad was an abusive arsehole who shouldn't be in charge
of a plant. I haven't got the same provision in place for DD1 as it's not needed.

I'm not suggesting anything bad about your DH at all just letting you know that she might of put a similar arrangement in place.

No, she most definitely is ill. I've seen her and she is very thin and looks very unwell. I know she wouldn't do this, I can't imagine anyone would but clearly some people do. How awful to do that to someone!

I presume provisions have been made for their DD. I don't know. Again this hasn't been discussed at all between them. She has said to dp that they need to talk but she is in no fit state to be doing so right now.

Dp has sent a few texts to his DD over the last few days. They haven't been acknowledged or answered.