Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

No children this Christmas :(

66 replies

SteppingOnToes · 24/12/2016 15:10

DP was so excited for his first Christmas with his kids in 4 years. It's his weekend with the kids (Court ordered - as she was denying access) and she has vetoed it and said the kids will be with her all of Christmas day and she wants them back on Christmas eve. Usually handover is at half 7 but she has demanded them back at 3 :( The kids have now gone home in tears as they didn't want to leave and want to see their dad on Christmas day :( and DP is the bad one for putting them in the car.i said he should have said that if she wanted them early she should have collected them so it didn't look like it was there dad who didn't want them there.

She has said "You can have a "pretend Christmas" on boxing day". I had a good mind to suggest to DP that we should have had our "Pretend Christmas" on Christmas eve... I was mature and didn't stir it though.

I'd dread being her on Christmas as the kids have said they want to see their dad for at least some part of Christmas day and she has said no. DP has said they are more than welcome to come round for a bit on Christmas day but it is up to their mum. She's claiming that she's having the kids as they want to be with her for Christmas - she's made them choose which, in my mind, is wicked :( DSC are 5 and 10 and have just left sobbing

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 24/12/2016 17:08

I see what you are saying New and Frank, just seems very unfair on the dc that their legal right to spend Christmas with their dad isn't happening.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2016 17:08

deckoff

Its called a rant on the internet, so you don't cause drama. As for "backstory" you are already making stuff up in your head.

FrankAndBeans · 24/12/2016 17:11

And we've all agreed that but doing irrational things like that would only further damage their relationship as the Mother would withhold access. I think I'm correct in thinking that you don't get punished for breaking a contact order, I don't have one but I think there should be consequences instead of just a telling off.

deckoff · 24/12/2016 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewNNfor2017 · 24/12/2016 17:30

Either "mum is evil and insane" in which case there are bigger issues than who gets December 25th

Are you reading the same thread?

Court orders arnt issued willy nilly. If a court has decided the DCs would be best off spending Xmas with their Dad, then how do you judge a mother who disregards that?

As it is, when dealing with implacable hostility, it's impossible to 'do what's best' for the DCs. It's only possible to do what is 'least worst' for them - and missing Xmas with dad is undoubtedly the lesser of two evils when the alternative is likely to be allegations, and prolonged periods without contact again.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2016 18:57

deckoff

evil and insane

that would be the rant part of the post.

deckoff · 24/12/2016 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewNNfor2017 · 24/12/2016 21:18

That description came out of the OP's characterisation as this being inexplicable "wicked" behaviour out of nowhere from the ex wife

So how would you describe a woman who withholds contact between her DCs and their father, only to have the court order contact to take place, and who subsequently breaches the court order and changes Christmas arrangements for the DC at short notice, preventing them from seeing their DF on Xmas Day as the court intended?

thegoodnameshadgone · 24/12/2016 22:07

In a few years the kids will be able to make their own mind.

MsGameandWatch · 24/12/2016 22:20

It all sounds very difficult. Thing is though, I can't see how the situation wasn't "managed" to ensure that a five year old and a ten year old didn't leave the house sobbing and having to be forced into the car. I'm in a similar situation and my ex is very obstructive but I think for kids to be THAT upset about not being with Dad on Christmas Day, then it's because the Christmas Day thing has been bigged up to them by the adults around them, whether that be you and their Dad or their Mum.

In our house Christmas is three days - from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day and all three days are made special. I can honestly say we have never had the Christmas Day issue because as the other day is pumped up them as just as good. They're 10 and 13 and had today with their Dad and tomorrow will be with me. I think WE, the adults put too much focus on getting the kids for Christmas Day when if it was presented to the kids without drama and each day being equal then they don't really care that much.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2016 22:44

MsGameandWatch

It may well be that the adults have made this special, but this would have been the children's first actual Christmas with their Ddad.

Then at the last moment it gets ripped away and all have to play ball because their mother can make make things even more difficult.

That would make any child upset.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/12/2016 22:47

Sorry carrying on

IF we are blaming the adults for making this special, what happens if the Ddad books a holiday and the mother stops them from going at the last minute.

Is that also the adults fault for bigging it up?

BobbieDog · 24/12/2016 22:53

This happened to my friend. Her dp was suppose to have his kids on xmas day afew years ago and booked in a restaurant and paid a deposit for the kids etc and then the ex said he couldnt have them about 5 days before xmas.

There was nothing he could do. However the sad thing was the kids had told each parent that they wanted the same things so the kids got to open their mums presents on christmas day and got everything they asked for and when they saw their dad after the new year they opened all his presents and said "oh mum got us that" for every single present so there was no excitement there when they opened their presents.

The children were 7 and 9 at the time and i remember my friend being gutted as she had shopped and wrapped the presents herself and she felt like it was a slap in the face.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 24/12/2016 23:01

I'm not clued up on court orders, so please excuse my ignorance, but why didn't you just keep the children? And what happens to the mum if she has "breached" the court order? Though could you prove it if you let them go?

deckoff · 24/12/2016 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobbieDog · 24/12/2016 23:23

I think there is often an exclusion in the court orders were it says something about it not being set in stone during festive periods

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 24/12/2016 23:28

Thanks Bobbledog. That's not very fair. I agree there should be some flexibility if both can agree, but if not, then the court order should stand.

CannotEvenDeal · 25/12/2016 07:44

I agree that the kids will vote with their feet when their older.

We had a lot of back and forth with 12 yo dss when he was much younger but he's lived with us for several years now and in fact we have him every Christmas (his bio mum's choice)

Chin up and Merry Christmas

CannotEvenDeal · 25/12/2016 07:45

Aaaargh early morning typo *they're

I'm a teacher so I couldn't let that go Xmas Grin

NewNNfor2017 · 25/12/2016 09:03

Depends what the other side of the story is NewNN. I don't know it, do you?

I comment on what I read - I don't fill in the gaps. You only get 'one side of the story' on any thread - there seems little point in commenting on threads where I think the OP is lying. Hmm

Original poster
SteppingOnToes · 26/12/2016 00:16

He didn't get to see the kids. He phoned them at 9am to wish them merry Christmas. At 1pm, when we were in a different county, his ex phoned saying the kids wanted to see him for an hour or so. Now he is the bad guy because he couldn't...

They're coming round tomorrow but she is still requesting they stay in the house all day "to chill". It's not going to happen as their grandparents are desperate to see them...

OP posts:
Original poster
SteppingOnToes · 26/12/2016 00:18

And frankly im fed up of deckoff making putting words in my mouth. I did not call her evil and insane - that is her own interpretation of me calling the act wicked. I think Deckoff has their own backstory or they wouldn't be quite so contrary

OP posts:
MynyddoeddEryri · 26/12/2016 08:50

Stepping I'm sorry to hear you're having such a shit time of it. Just ignore deckoff. Unfortunately in some people's eyes the mother is never wrong and the stepmum always is. You're absolutely entitled to rant on an anonymous forum. I hope you manage to have a lovely day today Xmas Smile

throwingpebbles · 26/12/2016 08:58

This doesn't make total sense...
Court order should deal specifically with Christmas, it shouldn't just go with whoevers weekend it is. That could mean the same parent gets them for Christmas several years in a row.

However she should not get to micromanage how you spend your time with them, and you just need to ignore that. My DSC mum tried that a bit but I have my own kids and I am not having their lives dictated by her too!

Hope today goes well, and spend it however you wish

throwingpebbles · 26/12/2016 08:59

As an aside though, my kids don't think of any/either of their "Christmas days" as lesser, they just think they are lucky to have more than one

Swipe left for the next trending thread