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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter & sons

20 replies

user1482250935 · 20/12/2016 17:13

My step daughter (18) moved out permanently a year ago to live with her biological mother's grandparents. Although I have been her mother since a young child, the relationship has always been difficult and escalated as SD became a teenager. I imagine she has many mixed up feeling concerning her mother who died when she still a baby, but I feel this has been exagerated by the grandparents (terrible situation for them, I know) The thing is, my husband and I are trying to leave the door open and maintain communication, but she is still misbehaving, rude and downright disrespectful. My two sons are now 10 & 12 and very impressionable. I am really worried about her influence over them and she tries to get them on her own and regularly whispers to my older son???? Although I am keen for them to have a relationship I cant help feeling very protective over them. We recently met for a family dinner out with all my husband's family. My older son was a bit grumpier than usual, but SD came to him , overly close I thought, stoking his face and whispering to him in a strange manner. I stuck it for about about 5 minutes and then quietly said "No silly talk please" She was seething! And left the restaurant with her boyfriend in a flurry. My days are limited when I have visibility of the relationship between them, but I feel she still tells lies and plays mind games - an influence I am very wary off!! Should I allow her behaviour around my sons instead of making the situation worse between her and I?

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 20/12/2016 22:43

Your use of words are very telling 'you have been her mother' you haven't you've been a mother figure or step mother but no one could replace her real mother regardless if she died when she was a baby, this might be why she is holding some resentfulness towards you. How was she as a child? Have you told her to call you mom and was she able to discuss her real mother?

Original poster

user1482250935 · 21/12/2016 09:39

I have been involved in her life since she was 1 year, 4 months. SD always called me by my name until pre-school when she came home and called me "mum" by her own doing - NO encouragement at all by her father or I. This caused a lot of upset with her grandparents on her mother's side (understandably) On the surface, family life appeared to be quite normal for a long time but there were regularly issues surrounding the grandparents. As a child, friendships were difficult. As parents we always felt like the "baddies" while there was always the answer "yes" to everything from the grandparents. Despite efforts to maintain some relationship with that side of the family, it just became too difficult. Some issues we felt were very serious, but still felt it was unreasonable to drastically limit contact? SD has had no memorable contact with her mother. She passed when SD was 6mths so I understand the relationship with remaining family is very important. We have encouraged her to attend counselling and speak to other trusted adults outside the situation. I do hope this is part of a "troubled teenage phase".

OP posts:

Bobkinyoyo · 21/12/2016 09:41

but SD came to him , overly close I thought, stoking his face and whispering to him in a strange manner. I stuck it for about about 5 minutes and then quietly said "No silly talk please"

I genuinely don't understand this

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 21/12/2016 09:43

You aren't the only one Bob

Original poster

user1482250935 · 21/12/2016 09:51

Hi, can you explain a little please? I am bewildered at how to handle this?

OP posts:

Bobkinyoyo · 21/12/2016 09:54

but SD came to him , overly close I thought, stoking his face and whispering to him in a strange manner. I stuck it for about about 5 minutes and then quietly said "No silly talk please"

I don't understand what the issue is with this. Why is this a problem?

Original poster

user1482250935 · 21/12/2016 10:06

Well.....in recent months there have been things shared with our other children they have later came and told us - things that are not nice and not true. I am very aware this could be me being over protective and am reluctant to speak usually - glad contact is still there, even though it may only be every other week or so. My husband had also noticed the behaviour and thought inappropriate - I feel it is important to emphasise we are not anti-affection, but the secrecy does bother us.

OP posts:

Bobkinyoyo · 21/12/2016 10:19

Pretty normal for siblings to have secrets between themselves - I have four and we always did. It's fun!

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/12/2016 10:26

"No silly talk please"

Is she 7? No wonder she was seething. You treated her like a child infront of her boyfriend and extended family.

What on earth did you mean by silly talk? Why couldn't you have said not to whisper in front of others? Instead you alluded to something that is clearly an ongoing issue infront of everyone.

Heratnumber7 · 21/12/2016 10:40

Kids talk about their parents behind their parents' backs - fact.

Would you be feeling the same if SD was a DD? I don't think you would. The very fact you call her your SD, having "been her mum" for 18 years is telling.

Cut her some slack and let her develop a relationship with her brothers.
And don't expect them to tell you every little thing she tells them. Some things are secure between siblings.

Original poster

user1482250935 · 21/12/2016 10:44

Thanks for the feedback, will be taking some specialist advice.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/12/2016 10:49

Heratnumber7

The very fact you call her your SD, having "been her mum" for 18 years is telling.

Underthemoonlight
Your use of words are very telling 'you have been her mother' you haven't you've been a mother figure or step mother but no one could replace her real mother regardless

Seems that the OP is wrong whatever she calls herself or her SD.

OP are you worried that the GPs may be influencing your SD?

Heratnumber7 · 21/12/2016 11:06

Mumsnet is full of conflicting advice.
It's up to the relevant OP to chose what rings true for them, and what to ignore.
You can't stop people having different opinions.

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/12/2016 11:10

Specialist advice?? That is quite extreme for a bit of teen rudeness

stitchglitched · 21/12/2016 11:12

I was raised by my stepmum from a toddler after my mother died. I would be heartbroken if she referred to me as her stepdaughter and wanted to shield her 'real' children from me. Luckily when she became my mum she did so whole-heartedly and it has been that way ever since. It sounds like your step daughter has been conned into believing you see her as yours and is now finding out that is not the case. No wonder she is acting out.

midcenturymodern · 21/12/2016 11:13

What would your reaction have been if you were out with your boyfriend and family and one of your parents, with whom your relationship had broken down so far that you'd had to move out, said 'no silly talk' to you for talking to your sibling?

Remember you are 18, your boyfriend is witnessing this, and you have already left home.

I think you got of lightly.

If that sort of behaviour is indicative of how she is treated then I think you have a lot of apologising to do.

Aderyn2016 · 21/12/2016 11:21

I think you need to give us a bit more detail as to what she has been saying to your sons, for us to advise you.

She sounds very mixed up. It must have been hard for her growing up with no memory of her mother, having a 'sort of' mum but not one her grandparents could accept as being her mum because they were grieving the loss of their dd. Hard all round. I know I would struggle to see someone else parenting my dc's children and would find it hard to hide that, which would make it hard for the dc to feel they 'belonged' to the step parent.

Honestly (and without judgement from me) do you see her as yours and feel as protective of her as you do your sons? Because if you don't (and it might have been hard to with the gps constantly blocking you) she will know that.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/12/2016 00:16

I think posters are over reacting to you using the word 'mother'. You have been a mother to her. You could use the word parent but it's the same thing.

I guess that there is probably a lot going on here. One of the things that struck me was a fear from you, and a distrust of her. How did that come about? Is she volatile? Liable to be risky? Do you think that she's stirring up trouble?

And why wouldn't you feel comfortable telling anyone to stop whispering? It's rude and I would certainly tell anyone that it isn't very nice. I'd pick up on anything like that anytime and try and bring it out into the open. If you are not used to doing this, then it might feel a bit stilted at first. Have you asked her directly, something like 'Why do you keep whispering stuff?' Just start the conversation.

Perhaps you both have backed off from each other and don't know how to restart. I presume that you didn't always feel this uncomfortable with her?

I'd also just be direct with your sons, ask them what is going on and that it isn't really on, keeping secrets, even with their sister. Keep them close! Are they sensible boys? If so, there's no reason that they should necessarily become side tracked.

Atenco · 22/12/2016 02:53

Were you allowed authority over your sdd? Because I think if I had a child in my care from such a young age I would consider her my daughter, although when they become rebellious teenagers, no matter who gave birth to them, one would like to give them away.

twattymctwatterson · 23/12/2016 01:19

The way you refer to the affection between your SD and her brother/s makes me feel a bit uncomfortable TBH. Perhaps if you could elaborate more it would help to clarify things?

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