I've been with BF over two years and we've had some hiccups along the way with the DC getting on. Contact (all of us together) has been limited to one evening EOW due to these issues but we spend a lot of time together separately. However, we recently went on holiday together for a week which is the longest we'd spent all together and it's really highlighted some major issues.
Over the course of the week I found myself getting increasingly irritated by BF's DS(8). He is an only child whereas I have three (DS(17), DD1(8) and DD2(5)) so I don't doubt that he is having to adjust to having 'siblings' but he is just soooo competitive. I can only describe his behaviour as constantly being on 'show'. He has to be first at everything, literally he will race to be first if we are walking anywhere or push past everyone to be first in the queue. If he is playing on a device he is always announcing his score or his rank. If he has watched a film or programme before, he will tell everyone what is about to happen and say the script ahead of the character saying their lines. Not just once or twice but the whole way through and celebrates vocally when he gets it right. We played cards one evening and he just talked constantly about how good his hand was, celebrating loudly every time he picked up a card he needed. I don't like competitive people generally, I've ditched friends in the past for being like this. It also completely rubs my two up the wrong way as you'd expect, particularly DD1 who we suspect has some sensory processing issues and MH issues also. DP is not a Disney dad by any stretch and is actually quite strict but doesn't always pull his DS up on these issues, I'm guessing because he sees no problem with it? what will often happen is that BF's son will do something to wind one of mine up (usually doing something that leaves the other out, like whispering a secret to only one) and DD1 will react spectacularly. It is then only her behaviour that gets punished as his pales in comparison but he is often the catalyst. My DC notice the needing to be first or complain when he is ruining a film for them but BF is quite defensive and denies that his DS is being competitive. I feel unable to bring this up with BF as he can be defensive.
BF has this dream that one day we will all live as one big happy family and is urging me to be more of a mother to his DS. This creates pressure on me as I'm not natural with DC other than my own. I also don't feel like it's my place as he has a mother already although BF says she is a workaholic who largely ignores his DS or dumps him with babysitters. At one point BF compared me to his own SM who he loathed which was upsetting.
Also, my DS and BF clashed spectacularly and were arguing with each other by the end. My DS is generally quite laid back but can be a little selfish which wound BF up as we were quite stressed with the younger kids arguing. DS is now saying he will never speak to BF again and wants nothing to do with him. This is particularly upsetting as they got on very well before, in fact, DS often confided in BF before me.
I don't even know where to begin in sorting out what feels like a huge mess. There's obviously a lot more to this but these are the main issues. I really do love BF, he's an incredible partner who loves me totally and is extremely supportive and helpful and whilst I want to make it work, I feel under pressure to separate from him, partly from my DC. BF was terrified all holiday that I was going to leave him when we got back. It's terrible timing too as he's had a horrendous run of luck lately being bullied out of his job, having to give up his flat, totalled his car and is struggling to find a new job. Unsurprisingly he's ended up with depression and I worry that losing me would tip him over the edge. Plus it would devastate me but of course I will put the DC first if it came to it.
What do I do? Has anyone experienced anything like this and can advise me? TIA 