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Stepson advice please

17 replies

Bridget12 · 12/12/2016 14:27

I know this is unusual as soo many people complain about stepchildren but I love my stepson and treat him equally to my child. He is very unhappy living with his mum, he says he is shouted at often and punished by being sent to his room. His mother and stepdad both work 60hr weeks and he hardly sees them he actually sees us more! He stays alternate weekends and every Tuesday overnight. He says his mum emotionally blackmailing him into choosing her over his dad ie going to there family events instead of coming with us on our visitation days. She also wont allow him yo phone his dad when he asks her and he is not told who will collect him from school which is causing him anxiety. He has been crying on and off for weeks and is now saying he wants to live with us however his mum won't listen to my hubby when he tries to tell her how unhappy his son is she becomes very aggressive shouting and swearing in front of both our children. As a result my hubby now feels that approaching her is futile and the boy won't tell her how he feels as he is scared of being punished or his dad being shouted at. We're giving him as much emotional support as possible and encouraging him to rank to us and not bottle things up but don't know what else to do! I'm happy if he moves in with us but his mother would never allow it, she is also pregnant with her third child which is also concerning my stepson. He is only 8 and I just want him to be happy !

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Bridget12 · 12/12/2016 21:45

B

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Butterymuffin · 12/12/2016 21:50

Could it be suggested that you take him more of the time while she is pregnant and when the baby is small? Then that allows for a change in situation without it being stated in a way that is confrontational and that she might not be as hostile to.

needsahalo · 12/12/2016 22:00

Surely that would be a time when he would need to be able to bond with his new sibling. Trying to take advantage of a pregnancy to gain residence of a young child is hardly reasonable behaviour.

I am not sure what is wrong with having hard working parents? Are we now suggesting that working for a living is somehow wrong or abusive? Is he using the word blackmail? Would you be willing to listen to an ex telling you how wrong you are?

I think you need to be careful with such a young child because the grass is rarely greener. Do you and your partner not work? Can you afford to reduce hours to be around more? How would you feel if after a few weeks, he wanted to return to mum?

Trying to gain a more even split of time between parents would be reasonable. Has this been suggested?

Bridget12 · 13/12/2016 14:18

Hi that has been helpful and in now way do I want to take advantage of her pregnancy any yes he uses the word blackmail. He told us that he was asked to go to an event with his mum and he said no he wanted to stay with his dad as it had already been arranged she spent 2 days telling him how much he had let his other brother who is 3 down and how upset he had made there own family and if he didn't go with her then santa might not bring him anything foe being nasty to them. In short I just want him to be happy weather it's with us or them I have spoken at length with him from an impartial stand point and gave stood up for his mum at times but I feel he is under such emotional stress it's harming him so please don't suggest I'm trying to take advantage or am using a child as a pawn in a game as that's not the case

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Bridget12 · 13/12/2016 14:20

Yes myself and my husband both work however I have already altered my hours to cater for my child no there is nothing wrong with working 60 hours a week but when the child isn't happy I was looking for advice to emotionally support him

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Bridget12 · 13/12/2016 14:21

She would never agree to him coming to ours more we have had a battle to get what we have

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needsahalo · 13/12/2016 17:52

Why should he not have to go to an event that the rest of the family are attending? Or is it that it took place in dad's time so he was forced to,choose?

Unfortunately we don't all have the luxury of cutting our hours to work around our children. There can be a lot of guilt with that, including being grumpy and shouty (I hold my hand up to that one!)

She shouldn't be forcing him to choose. It sounds stressful for him. I am sorry but am not sure what the answer is. What do the school say? Is he happy there? Or is he also showing signs of stress there?

Bridget12 · 13/12/2016 17:55

He is happy at school my concern was how he feels were not bothered about him going to things in our time as long he is happy but the emotional stress it's causing him is awful he is happy at school but dreads going home and is withdrawn and lacking his usual bubbly self he comes across as depressed

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Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 18:02

I have an 8 year old who has telling tales on both myself and his DF sounds like he's playing you off each other.

Her working is not abuse, he will be likely not behaving and she is discipline him rightly so my 8 year is sent to him room to cool down.

If his family are going to an event why can't he go surely his relationship with his extended family is just as important just swap the date. I think he's being quite
manipulative and you are feeding into this by questioning him, you are unbiased in your view points. The likely hood is it's been completely taken OTT. Your dss sees access through rose tinted glasses doing fun stuff one to one etc but the reality of working and looking after kids full time
Is difference something he won't understand yet. My ex is a Disney parent and takes him out every week we don't we teach our DC that these are treats and not expected every week. There's more too this but I think you need to take a step back and let the parents decide otherwise you getting involved will make things 100 times worse hence why she lost her temper.

Bridget12 · 13/12/2016 18:50

Sorry I don't know if I'm writing this wrong but it's not coming across right at all I don't get involved with her or there parenting decisions at all
The boy was visibly withdrawn and I simply asked him if he was OK he told me he hates living with his mum n wants to live with us so I sat him down and asked why as maybe they were problems that can be sorted he told me that his mum asked him to go to an event and he said he didn't want to go she then spent 2 days emotionally battering him with things like I'll cry if you don't come your brother won't like you if you don't come etc this has made him feel like he can't make her happy unless he makes the decision he wants her too he got screamed at and locked in his room for 2 hours is shouted at every morning and yes he could be stretching the truth but it's worrying when you can see tears down his face because he is scared of going home the work issue is that she won't alow him to come here when she is working so he is at 8 different houses during the week one of them being ours which is unsettling him as she dosnt communicate to him who will be collecting him from school
She won't engage with my hubby so there is no point trying to talk to her I just wanted advice on how to emotionally support him through a difficult time whilst remaining positive about his mum I have never bad mouthed her have even stood up for her in the past when she screams abuse at me for nothing she is very controlling and does the same with her other children so I know we can't change her parenting techniques I just don't like to see my stepson emotionally drained he literally looks I'll

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Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 19:44

I think there has been a lot of embellishments in his story here as a mother of an 8year old I know what they are like my 8 year old has an attitude problem at the moment and can be a little selfish and slightly obnoxious although I love him he's hard work at times and trying to explain things and about others is hard he said he hated me the other week and wanted to live with his dad because I told him off for hitting his sister, this week he loves me, few weeks back he was moaning that his DF niece was always round when he goes was doing his head in. The likelihood of him being in his room for two hours is unrealistic. Sounds like this lady is pregnant whilst running a household and working and getting berated for it no wonder she's so annoyed. At the age children don't understand the sacrifices a parent makes and it sounds like she's having a tough time and your dss doesn't understand. Maybe he is resentful of the new baby?

needsahalo · 13/12/2016 20:06

Was the event on your time or not? I'm not clear.

I personally wouldn't give an 8 year old the choice of whether to attend a family event. It's not something that's up for discussion in the average family. You attend or you get a baby sitter but either way, it's the parent who decides, not the child.

If he's happy at school, is there really a problem? If he's depressed or genuinely stressed out, I would expect the school to have a feeling that all is not quite well. Children of that age have a habit of telling teachers what is going on in their lives.

See how things go over the next few weeks and get your partner to speak regularly with school. As it stands, you haven't really come up with anything I think a court would take seriously and want to consider a change of residence but I am not legally qualified (just been through this shite!).

Bridget12 · 13/12/2016 20:51

We're not wanting to go to court or anything I'd offer his mum support but she would just kick off she is extremely difficult I have an 8 year old myself but have never experienced upset like this just hoping he is OK

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needsahalo · 13/12/2016 21:15

Difficult? Why would you offer support? Your partner can offer, but I can I,Gaines how it would feel coming from you. What support is it you think she might need?

Bridget12 · 14/12/2016 10:47

I'm just saying if she was friendlier I or my hubby could talk to her let her know what he was expressing to us she won't engage with us with things like the as I think she feels criticised it's not all fun at our either he helps with chores and we don't have a problem with his behaviour I just think he feels stuck between his parents it's hard for me as he won't talk to them only me so I can only relay info to my hubby just wanted to support him best we can

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BlueBlueSkies · 14/12/2016 12:41

You said she won't let him call his DF when he wants to. Can you give him is own phone so he may feel more in control of speaking to his father.

Bridget12 · 14/12/2016 20:02

We tried that she wouldn't allow him to take it to her house

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