How do you make blended families work?

[LadyVampire]

I have posted a lot about issues I've had but really want to make this work. Any advice on how to make a blended family work as best as I can? Issues so far have been nasty ex wife and a laid back DH but I want to try and make it work and learn how to deal on both counts. Thanks.

Honestly? You can't MAKE it work.

Everyone has to be on board and want it to work.

So if the ex is sticking their nose in (either yours or his) then it will cause problems with children if they are being drip fed crap from the NRP (or RP).

You and your partner need to be a strong united front on every level. You need to agree on everything. You need to parent every child the same and agree on rules for that household and stick to them.

Children visiting from the RP for contact must not have different rules. It causes friction with children living in the house full time.

From my own experience all these things have played a part in causing utter chaos in our family.

Dp is the ultimate disney dad. His ex drips into their DD's ear about how unfair it is that my DDs live with HER dad and that she was only visiting to see him and not us. My ex was dripping into my DD's ears that me and dp don't care about them and only want to spend money on ourselves.

We had an extremely stressful few years. My ex is now out of the picture thanks to a Court order but sadly my DSD no longer comes here, won't talk to her dad and we think it's down to her mum and extended family saying that she's badly treated when she's here (because we use the word NO at times).

So yeah, if you want things to work, you all need to be singing from the same hymn sheet or it will be extremely stressful.

I can't see his ex changing and DH opts for the easiest decision regardless of impact. I think the only way things will change is going to courts or breaking up but want DH to set boundaries now to minimise impact and want to do my bit to help.

My best suggestion is to take a massive step back and keep out of things with the dc. If he's being a disney dad it will start to drive you insane. If things are rocky with his ex then keep out of it. For your own sanity.

Find something to do on your own or with your own dc if you have any when his are about and let him crack on with being dad. It will all eventually backfire when there's something big he has to say no to and by then it will be a major incident because they will be used to him just agreeing everything to keep the peace.

But I think most people on this board will agree that there's no point trying to suggest his dc are anything other than perfect little angels who can do no wrong because to him, if he does tell them off or say no, then he risks them not wanting to come and see him anymore.

We have a DD together and I don't want her growing up and seeing her brother have a different way of living because their dad treats them differently. In the past I've told DH he needs to sort it or our relationship won't survive. Nothing happens and a lot of things DSS does affects me in turn eg DSS doesn't treat things of mine he uses with respect, wastes so much food etc. Nothing majorly serious but it would be much easier to keep out of it if DH didn't let in impact me and DD in the first place you know?

I would be more than happy to keep out of it. Between her lashing out and DH passiveness mine and DSS relationship is hanging by a thread. Problem is DH doesn't want to break up/ live separately and wants me to be a proper SM but also doesn't want to listen to my input at all or sort thnigs with his ex.

My best suggestion is to take a massive step back and keep out of things with the dc. If he's being a disney dad it will start to drive you insane. If things are rocky with his ex then keep out of it. For your own sanity.

I agree entirely, and this is how DH and I have managed the last 5 years. I have no relationship with DSS, I let DH deal with everything for him.

How do I take a step back with DD? I'm genuinely asking as I don't want my DD to get hurt. I have decided and told DH weeks ago that my priority is to protect DD as whislt he wants me to be complete SM to DSS he does nothing to facilitate, just expects it to happen

I think the only way things will change is going to courts or breaking up but want DH to set boundaries now to minimise impact and want to do my bit to help.
This can be read as you want to control the whole situation. You want to fight the ex to gain what you think is right, he wants to avoid conflict.

Sometimes avoiding conflict is a sign of weakness, sometimes it's a sign of recognition that conflict is the worse you can do for your children.

I opted for avoidance of conflict because I knew that this was best for my kids who were otherwise stuck in the middle, torn apart, and hopeless not wanting to take sides. Thankfully, my OH, although understandably frustrated as it does impact on me, respect my decision and the reasons for it. If he hadn't, I think I would have grown to resent him because in essence, he would have been asking me to choose his needs before that of my children and in the end, I have more responsibility towards them than him.

You understandably want to protect your DD. What you need to do is explain that not everything can be the same because they have different parents. It has to remain quite fair though, ie. if it's a case that your OH says his DD doesn't need to do any chores, but yours has to, then clearly that is a problem, but there could be some compromises whereas your DD only do chores when your SD isn't here and DP do them during the week-ends. Time is your best friend though as you might gradually start implementing rules that your SD might very well accept if she also feels integrated.

I know what you mean I do expect to have a say in the home we share, not full say but equal and not have DH dictated to by his ex (she bans DH seeing his son if he doesn't drop everything for her to include when I am ill and needing care - this has happened). Wanting last minute him to drive DSS to places, turning up and them not telling him they are changing contact. I do want some control over things that impact my life. I'd never want to argue just to do it but my priority would be for the 4 of us to have a normal life and if it means getting courts involved to do it it's an option I would consider although it's ultimately up to my DH as legally I have no say in DSS.

I'm glad your decisions are the ones that work the most for you and your partner (I know none of the options are perfect but each couple have to decide the best for them). I agree responsibility to children comes first but my DH he's putting his ex first not their son. I've told my partner I'm not living my life like that and if we clash on the matter we have to break up but he won't accept that. He wants me to stay and do it completely his way. He wants his children to be the same treatment wise yet he doesn't make it happen. I don't think any exes have the right to be unreasonable because children are involved and it sets the wrong example to his son. DH should be doing what is best for his son and our daughter, not what will keep his ex happiest.

I am happy to be a SM and treat both kids the same and am fully involved when DSS is here but I don't expect to spend my life to dance to his ex's tune when she makes plans for his contact time that affect us or when she makes commitments in her own time and expects DH to do the ferrying around side of it. I have said so many times to DH that he and I might just be too different but again DH wants both ways. I've told him we meet 50:50 or we need to accept we simply son't work. He expects me to do a lot with DD on my own so he can do what his ex wants and as she gets older he can't just keep dropping her because his ex has demanded it.

I think the main 'stepping away' is emotional.

DH has a very difficult ex too. She would do whatever she could to cause problems. I realised that I could not change her and getting involved was not making anything better. So I stepped away.

I did make changes to stop her coming to our house, I made DH do all the drop offs and pick ups. We moved house, (not because of her) I refused to let her come round to see DSS's new room. She is not allowed in the house, nor is she given the landline number. That puts a distance between her and our home.

I do not comment on DSS unless asked. I let DH deal with the issues and I concentrate on us as a family with the rest of the kids.

You do need to get your DH on side though, you can not do it on your own. Talk about what you both want and how it can be achieved. What does he mean by a full Stepmother? There is no defined role as stepmother, each family is unique.

Full step mother meaning he wants me to treat DSS like my own. Not to replace his mum by the way but he doesn't want me to treat the children we have together more favourably than his son but he needs to understand that if he wants all his children treated the same he has to give me some say with DSS in regards to routine etc. I would not expect to be told I had no say in DDs routine. I can't give DSS all the same perks as the children we have together but none of the boring bits (also any child staying in our home even nieces and nephews I would expect to be respectful of our home). And DSS mum doesn't like another woman invovled in DSS life so minimises my role whilst telling their son her new DH is also "dad" and DH does nothing to help things in our own home.

I've told DH that me and DSS SD should be viewed the same in our home, the routine in his mum's house is nothing to do with us regarding rules etc. but one parent should not be made more important than the other. Same with step parents.

Being a step parent does not mean you treat the step kids as your own. He isn't and there is no need for you to think of him as such, I doubt if he would want you to. You are mother to your DD and DSS has his own mother.

Treating children differently does not mean you favour one over another. My DH treats my kids very well, but DSS is his son and I expect him to treat him as such, I would think it strange if he treated my kids, who have their own Dad, the same as his DS.

Disciplining stepkids is a minefield, if you can not discipline and set rules, then you are unable to parent. So tell him it is upto him to do it.

What perks does your Dh think your DSS misses out on?

I think by treat him the the same as my own is with things like homework help, trips to the park, presents at birthdays and christmas, helping care for him here etc. DSS addresses me as Lady Vampire. As opposed to spending quality time with DD, buying DD treats but never doing anything for DSS.

Any ideas what I should do as finding the balance is difficult sometimes. What do you do and what do you leave with your own DSS?

I may be missing the point here but sometimes I think "treating DSC as your own" is a red herring. What is DH doing while you are helping DSS with homework, taking him to the park etc? Is caring for DSS not DH's responsibility as he is his actual parent? If you weren't there, he'd have to do all of that, surely. I sometimes have to work hard not to get in the way as a step-parent, either intentionally or unintentionally. DSD's DM regularly criticises DP for DSD not reading with her. We had got into a routine of her reading to me while he cooks dinner (he's a better cook than me). So DSD gets regular reading practice here but it's not with him . I'm not sure whether she's told her DM she reads with me but I wouldn't like her to think he's not interested in her reading, so we'll be looking for different ways of doing things, and my cooking might need to improve.

DSD's mum regularly criticises DP for not reading with DSD, just in case that wasn't clear.

I don't know if there are any easy strategies OP, I tried the gentle approach, the stepping back (as far as I could without being totally unfair to my own children in the same house), the ignoring of ExW, the being nice to ExW, the taking on sometimes weeks of sole childcare of DSDs in the holidays with no notice, no asking... (How you step back in THAT scenario is interesting!)

The only thing I found to make a big difference, is being a bit of a bitch. And I mean that not more in a, well there are some VERY self absorbed people around, DSDs and ExW - and eventually I put myself into the middle and became the bigger bitch!

I'm saying it jokingly, but it was hell, and I'm not really a very assertive or stroppy person. I just totally ignored thinking about the good of everyone, and only focused on the good of me and my kids, and expected DP to either come on board with me or go somewhere else.

If anyone had told me I'd have got to the stage (which was 4 years in... ) I would have been horrified. I still don't like it. I really just want a bit of harmony and I'd love it if any blending had worked. But it didn't.

You can't control anyone else OP. If you've tried being fair to all, and it hasn't worked. Then stop and just be really clear to yourself what will work, and be prepared to walk away.

Any ideas what I should do as finding the balance is difficult sometimes. What do you do and what do you leave with your own DSS?

Step away where there is conflict, only engage when DSS wants you to.

With my DSS I cook and do his washing. Sometimes I do the admin in the background that DH does not have time to do, like make dentist appointments, and school stuff. However I do not engage directly with DSS unless he approaches me.

If DH lets him stay up late, not my problem if he is tired at school.
IF DH does not make him shower, again not my problem.
Unless something directly impacts on me, I let DH get on with parenting him without comment.

This is what works for us and means we don't argue much. However it will not work for everyone.