Did you have teething problems?

[Whitechester]

It's been 1.5 months since we started to blend our families under 1 roof. It is hard. I imagined it to be, naively some kind of bliss and a home full on love and laughter. Instead it's the opposite. Me and oh bicker each night and fall out a lot.

I know that teething problems are part of the course of blending a family, but how long is this likely to take. There are days I actually dread being at home and I want to take myself away for a day or two.

It depends how long were you together before you moved in? if its rather quick then it was never going to be great blending families is extremely hard and require alot of time attention and care

Can you give examples OP?

I don't have DCs but when my DP moved in and his kids come to stay, there was a period of time when it was more difficult while we all settled in.

Have you sat down with your OH and talked through some of the issues to find solutions. Don't let it turn into a blaming session though.

Sorry I should have added examples...

My partner has a very awful relationship with his ex. She threatens Him regularly with taking away access. Because of this, the way he is with the children is just OTT, it's like they can do no wrong.

If I make a tea they don't want to eat, he will say never mind and just give them crap "so they don't go hungry". Lastnight so much food was wasted. I don't tolerate that with my daughter and it upsets me that he is so wasteful.

The other thing is that his eldest refuses to listen to me. He played up last night and I did feel the need to say that he was being silly and that it's not fair on the other children. He then cried for an hour saying that I was mean to him and he was going to tell mummy. I got incredibly upset about this.

Instead of my partner reinforcing that what I did was acceptable, he mollycoddled his son. It's this mollycoddling that isn't doing his son any favours. His son is starting to become incredibly sensitive in our home and I receive a frosty reception pretty much 24/7.

He picks flaws in my DD a lot and I get very defensive because I think he's being unreasonable. He has never spent any quality time with my daughter, yet in the whole time of our relationship, I have spent many quality time with his children.

Also, I get upset with what my partner is expecting of me in the home. I've gone from
Having to look after just my DD and I, to him
And his children. He does little to help me and I feel like I'm being a skivvy.

It's like I also have my family, with my DD and he has his family with his sons, and we don't have one big family.

We have his children 50/50 and it's like his brain becomes mush. He can't cope when they are here with the drop offs and pick ups and co ordinating them
Alongside his work.

When they are here every weekend, he will pop out for an hour or so, but not much longer.

Leave before your daughter is damaged by this. Your partner will never parent his DC and will continue to be a disney dad.
Surely, you knew his parenting style before you joined moved in together.

How long have you been together before you merged the two families op and what are the ages of DC? It is normal to have teething problems but the main problem is your DP and the fact it isn't an equal partnership here.

I don't have experience of blending families, however I think that every relationship has some teething problems when you first move in together. Add other people's children into that mix and you're multiplying the issues tenfold.

Re things like cooking, is it that his children are fussy over what they eat or is it that they're being deliberately difficult? If they're picky eaters can you come to some kind of agreement over what they'll eat while they're at yours. If they're just being difficult then I'd be inclined to not have crap in the house, so if they don't eat what they're given then they don't get another choice. Or alternatively get your DP to do the cooking on nights when his kids are there.

How long have you been together and how long has he been split with his ex? Also how old are the DC?

Yes, some teething problems are to be expected.
But what you describe sounds far, far beyond that. Substantial, serious problems. And unless both adults recognise a problem and genuinely want to work on solving it, there is no chance of doing so.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you moved in together without each taking time to consider key issues like whether your parenting and discipline styles would match, a fair division of labour, and how all the children would react?

Unless your partner is prepared to pull his weight with his own kids, ageee to some house rules, and sign up to relationship counselling or family therapy, then I think you should step back from this relationship. It's sounds like you want to put your daughter first, and I don't think you can do that if this man is as selfish as he sounds.

What did his children eat before you moved in together? Have their meals suddenly changed to suit what you eat?

It sounds like you aren't compatible at all, did you spend any time together with the children before moving in?

We had been together for nearly 2 years before moving in. Each of our children had spent much time together.

In terms of his parenting I never had any cause for concern at all prior to living together as when we spent time all together we went out and about, so I didn't see how he/they were in a home environment. It's like his overal behaviour has changed though since moving in. He's become someone I don't recognis.

When I say he picks flaws in my DD, I don't mean he is cruel. But he will say, why do you let her do this/do that. She is very close to me and sometimes she will say she would like mummy to help her, rather than him. He then kicks off about it at me about how I'm nkt disciplining her correctly for letting her be like that??

He says I'm frosty to his children and I think it's because I resent the way he parents them. If my DD plays up, he's quick to say I should be doing something about it, but not the same with his own that it drives me mad.

I hVe accused him of being a Disney dad before and we didn't speak to each other for a
Day.

He works very long hours and I get that he's stressed but I feel like I am parenting his children and trying to give them some kind of structure in the home. He lets them
Stay up late so that he can have quality time with them as he "doesn't see them" but they are here half the week!

In terms of the children and eating, he uses the excuses that they aren't big 'tea' eaters. Yet when they don't eat their tea they go on about being hungry, hence why he gives them
Crap.

He does have certain roles in the home, like typical men's ones, recycling etc, but he forgets constantly.

I've said that the main issue to how he is, is also his stress levels caused by the fact he works from about 7am to 8pm a night (5pm the nights he has his children). He never worked long hours like this prior to us moving in.

You said he has 50/50 access so who is caring for his DC when he's at work? This doesn't sound like an equal partnership and he is happy to coast on whilst you pick up the pieces after everyone. You've got to ask yourself if you can do this in the long haul and how it will affect you and your DD

Sounds a bit like when women are typically expected to do most of the child care in any relationship, but when it's a step relationship, it gets accompanied by a bit of resentment because of 'my child/your child', which I think is totally understandable.

Op maybe you need to figure out whether your relationship is/should be built on 'one family' or 'your kids, your responsibility' I think both can happen and are reasonable but you need to figure out which one it is, and then 'rules' will fall into place more easily.

I always wanted 'one family' approach, which seemed to be cherry-picked in the end and there were too may times when my Dp pulled rank with HIS DCs and I felt pushed out in the cold.

I ended it recently because of this. It was too confusing and left me floundering on whether I could make plans for us all or not. Also he wanted parental responsibility for mine (their dad is not around so that's easier) but his ex is close by so that's harder for me because the lines are much more blurred. It was too hard in the end.

Fwiw I doubt I will want to be with someone who had resident or 50% in the future. It's very hard

It sounds like you are both quite critical of each other's attitude to their children and very defensive of your own and this has escalated to a downward spiral.

What you need to do is accept there are different ways to discipline properly children and maybe you can learn and encourage each other rather than observe and criticize. It does take time to find a middle way you can both feel is ok, but you have to accept that it's not about changing the other but to compromise.

The 50% approach sucks. Often one person i.e. Your DP wants to feel like a joint parent more than he is prepared to be one. He's not. You are right not to feel great about this, as you really are the main parent.