Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Help! Feel like I'm going crazy.

18 replies

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 14:21

Hi, I have been with my OH for 14yrs now and we have 2 children together but my SD still will not accept me or her little brother (she never wanted a brother and wants her mom and dad back together). She has made it very clear she only wants to see her dad and little sister and they have to go to her house each week. My problem is although she lives with her grandparents her mother who had all her children took off her due to drugs and violence keeps turning up every time my OH visits his daughter. Ideally I would love my SD to have contact with both of my children either at my home or a mutual location but she refuses and my partner agrees to anything she says. The ex has caused countless amount of trouble of the years due to wanting my partner back stops at nothing to try and split us up. I want to end my daughters contact at my SD house because of the ex but I'm scared I will end up losing my family as my partner always does everything his ex tells him to in case his daughter stops contact again. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 15:01

How old is your DSD?

Tbh she sounds very messed up.
Is your DD safe when she goes to visit the DSD?

I think there is an issue but you have got it all mixed up. If you trust your OH then you should not stop him visiting his DD just because you are worried the ex will steal him

I know it is shit but given the fact that this girl sounds like she has some major issues you may just have to accept that for now she does not want contact with you or DS.
You cannot remove her dad and her little sister if she has already lost 1 parent.

If your DD enjoys going, is safe and they have a close relationship then do not take that away just because you are worried your OH won't be faithful. Nobody can make your OH cheat or split you up. It is always choice.

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 16:22

Thank you for your reply, sorry I think I worded it wrong. I'm not scared of the ex stealing him I know he loves me and wouldn't go with her again. She was very abusive to him during their relationship. I'm more scared of losing him due to the arguments she causes she has already convince my SD I don't want her in my life and is now trying to drum it into my daughter and partners head. My SD is 15 now which I know is an awkward age on its own lol she has been through a lot of neglect and mental/physical abuse in her life and her mom has had an endless line of men who my SD has had to call daddy over the years which hasn't helped.I'm not sure if my daughter is safe there as the ex has anger issues (she even sat laughing and bragging about how she stabbed my OH whilst they were together) in front of myself and the children. I must admit she knows how to wind me up but I've kept calm so far somehow!! Lol I know my SD has had issues with her mom recently with her mom calling her some disgusting names. She told her dad about it and when he went up to see her his ex was sitting there with his daughter laughing and joking as if nothing had happened. My daughter loves her sister and stopping contact would be a last resort as they are so close my daughters 12. I just don't know how to deal with the constant presence of the ex.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 07/12/2016 17:45

When was she taken away from her mother? Did she ever used to come to your house? Is she at her grandmother with her other siblings?

Surely the main issue is not the ex but your relationship with the daughter. What are her reasons for wanting nothing to do with you and your DS?

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 17:58

He left his child with an abusive parent when she was 1 yo!!
What an arsehole.

As for your worries about the ex dont be.
If you trust him then her presence in his life means nothing.
She is his daughters mother so he will always have a connection with her. You can stop your 12 yo from visiting her sister but you cannot stop him from visiting his DD.

m0therofdragons · 07/12/2016 18:07

So both her mum and dad left her? No wonder the girl is messed up. Sounds like you have a real gem of a man who chose you and your dc together over his dd. Not really surprising she hates you.

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 18:12

He took her at first but she had him done for kidnap. It went through court and SD stayed with the grandparents whilst it was sorted. Due to delays thanks to her different allegations and questioned paternity courts ruled she had settled at the grandparents and we would have shared access. Every time the ex came out with a sob story to her parents they let her back into their lives and kept refusing access. Then when the dad was no longer on the scene she didn't want to know her daughter again. The other 2 children are in the care of their dad although the grandparents did fight for them too. Just worried last time OH had contact stopped he had a nervous breakdown with the problems his ex caused and we nearly split up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 18:33

There is no real reason for my SD to hate me I looked after her and took care of her as my own for years whilst we had shared access. Her mother doesn't like me and wants my OH back so she's poisoned her mind against me and painted a picture of the perfect family they could have without me around. (My SD actually told my daughter of her moms plans)

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 18:36

Please do not try to stop contact. This poor girl has been through enough.

I know she is blaming you and probably the arrival of another child has made her feel even more pushed out. Not yours or your sons fault but understandable given the circumstances.

You have issues regarding the ex but dont punish the child for it.

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 19:25

Im from a broken family myself 2 new step parents at the same time so I knew it would be tough. I think that's why I'm so gutted she's rejected me. After everything she's been through I just wanted to give her a stable loving family. My daughter has been in touch with my SD tonight (they have always stayed in contact through phone or social media even when contact with dad was stopped) we were planning on taking all 3 children out for the day as a family Christmas treat but apparently my SD mom and nan have said my OH can take them but I'm not allowed to be there and either the nan or mom has to take my place (nan is not very well so most likely be the mom)

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 19:28

Then in that case your DH needs to step up and say "sorry DD but it will be us including Sarah or just me but it will not be us and your mum"

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 20:09

Yeah that's where the main problem is he won't because he's scared of losing his daughter. His ex gatecrashes everything we always have to cancel plans because the ex has to be there. I had to ban the ex from my house years ago as she was always causing trouble giving me abuse and belittling me in my own home she used to come down demanding I leave the room as she needs to talk to my OH or refuses to leave even though she knew we had plans to go out. Its caused plenty of problems in our relationship. He is that scared of losing her he will do anything she says and most of it is what her mom has told her to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 20:12

My OH believes I'm a bad person when I talk to him and has even suggested that I hate his daughter. He doesn't understand I want a relationship with his daughter just not his ex

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 21:09

She is 15 and badly damaged by her mum however your DP needs to realise that he is not adding to that damage by giving the impression of the perfect family by allowing the dd to dictate and the ex to gate crash.

Is the girl having any councilling?

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 21:10

He is adding.
Not he is not adding.

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 21:59

No she's not having councilling and her nan has recently taking her out of school and is home schooling her due to apparent bullying so she isn't getting a chance to talk to teachers or friends either. We have offered to help enrol her into our other daughters school but the nan and mother have refused. My OH has spoke with the nan today and apparently I traumatized my SD 3 years ago when I told all 3 of the children off for bickering with each other and that is why she hates me and I'm not allowed near her. (She never gets told off at home and basically rules the house) they even allow bfs to stop over which neither myself or her dad agrees with. The day out has now been cancelled

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 22:06

There is not alot you can do OP. It his down to her dad to make the right choices and if he doesnt you cannot force him.

I would detach from the whole situation tbh.
I would allow contact but I would not engage with DP when he discusses SD., the ex or the situation. It is not fair tgat he excludes you from the "family" but wants your support to deal with them all.

Original poster

Sarahloumum22 · 07/12/2016 22:24

Yeah I agree I think that is for the best I just wish things were different it would be nice to have a proper blended family but that isn't going to happen. I have offered to go out weekends so he can have his daughter over for a few hours, he said it isn't necessary but I think distance between us is the best thing for now, hopefully my SD will learn to bond with my son again although he doesn't feel like she loves him and wants to come out with me instead.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 07/12/2016 23:48

What a sad situation for you all. I take it, it is the maternal grandparents?

I wouldn't be happy about this either, it would grind me down. Your SD is not having a good relationship with her Dad if it is always on 'Mums/Mums Grandparents turf' where her Mum can turn up at any time. That isn't in any way a basis for building a relationship with his daughter. It is just perpetuating what seems to have started off horribly in a cycle of chaos and now control.

I would also not be happy at all about your daughter, just your daughter going there in that kind of atmosphere. What are they doing? Is he just hanging around doting on his older daughter? What is your daughter learning from this? What is your son? This is directly affecting your family.

Does your DP listen to you at all? Why on earth is there not even some time with his daughter at your house or he takes her out? At present it sounds like it would be better having less time, but his 'own' time with his daughter, taking her out for a meal and the cinema, anything. A relationship is not one so totally dictated like this, he really doesn't have what he thinks he has.

However, will he stand up and do this? Quite possibly not, and he may have to find his own way. However if I were you I would absolutely not be taking part in this ridiculous charade of letting your daughter go with him. If SD wants to see her sister, then she has to see him with her brother, that is appalling behaviour towards a completely innocent boy and I would think it is totally in THEIR best interests to protect your kids from being essentially manipulated like this. I hope SD reaches out at some point later in her life to you all, as apart from her grandparents, you are a stable part of her life. But not like this!

Flip