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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you get your needs met?

20 replies

FoofLeakage · 06/12/2016 13:04

Firstly, what are your needs?

Secondly, how do you ensure they are met?

I'm currently battling with resentment stemming from a feeling of unmet needs in a stepfamily situation. I would like to see what strategies you guys apply, to see if I can salvage this relationship.

Please be kind.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lunar1 · 06/12/2016 13:08

It might help if you feel happy to say what you are unhappy with.

Original poster

FoofLeakage · 06/12/2016 13:19

I was wondering if people were unhappy about the same things as me? That's why I asked.

I don't know if my situation is "normal" or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoofLeakage · 06/12/2016 13:38

I don't even know if my needs are acceptable, which is a crap place to start.

So far, they are:

Affection, even if DSD is around (she is 6 and my relationship with her dad is 11 months old).
Time alone in the evening with my partner some nights (DSD goes to bed at 9pm which seems late, she is 6).
One 'date night' per week (cinema or meal, etc).
Transparency - of arrangements.
Foresight - to be told of arrangements in good time for me to organise my life.
DP mentions his ex almost every day, so it would be nice to not have to hear about her so regularly. It's every topic from how she gave birth to what she uses to clean herself in the shower!
DP to not give into DSDs tantrums. She has learned that every tantrum will result in attention and the item she craves. I'm sorry to say, but her behaviour makes me very uncomfortable. I have 2 small children from my previous relationship (same age as DSD) and I never cater to their tantrums; consequently they know that having tantrums is pointless; but when DSD is around, they get mixed messages.
Not to be 'relegated' to the back seat of the car if me, DP and DSD are going for a drive.

I read somewhere (think it was a past thread on MN) that if you feel resentful, you should meet your own needs. But I can't see how I can meet the above needs on my own. Am I being too needy?

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 06/12/2016 14:46

How much of the week does he have his daughter? Could you just see him other days if she goes to her mum at all.

It sounds like you don't really like the way he parents so I would tread very carefully and not rush into anything with him. You sound like you may not be compatible, which may not be want to hear. But you've only been dating 11 months so I'd take a step back from seeing him with his dd at least.

Lunar1 · 06/12/2016 14:46

Sorry, I meant to add, it sounds like he's not over his ex yet.

Nursenat100 · 06/12/2016 14:54

She really isn't your DSD when you have been with her dad for only 11 months is she? Surely you have at best only known her a few months. She will still be getting used to you. It sounds to me like your relationship has moved very sat and hadn't had time to come to a point where you naturally assume the role of step patent. Sounds like you've skipped the fun part of dating and aren't managing that very well. Completely understandable: sounds like you want the fun stuff, which at 12 mo the, is surely where you should be?

Original poster

FoofLeakage · 06/12/2016 15:37

How much of the week does he have his daughter?

It's supposed to be 50/50 but is often more.

Sounds like you've skipped the fun part of dating and aren't managing that very well.

Yep. That very much feels like the case.

No way to salvage this?

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 06/12/2016 15:42

Are you two living together? That must be incredibly difficult if you don't like the way he parents. How is he with your children?

Original poster

FoofLeakage · 06/12/2016 16:37

I have my own home but practically live with him. My kids visit at weekends. Disciplining my kids is my responsibility. He's ok with them.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 06/12/2016 17:30

I think the fact that you don't live together officially is a significant factor. Even if you are spending a lot of time at his house, it is not your house yet until you officially move in. As such, I expect he doesn't yet consider you and your relationship as totally committed and is acting accordingly.

My view is that if you are already feeling such level of resentment when you are not even living together and have already major issues with the way he is raising his child, then I would say that it is unlikely to ever work. I know it feels wrong that when everything is perfect, and love is strong that you should consider giving up on the relationship, but when there are children from other relationships involved, then there are more essential factors to take into consideration.

One alternative is that you spend less time with him in his house when he has his child and only -or mainly- go there when she isn't and see how it goes. Otherwise, I would move on.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 06/12/2016 19:34

I don't have a positive view of these situations I'm afraid and if I could go back, I wouldn't have chosen to have my own DC with DP. I love him, but he has really mismanaged the whole situation with his DC and his ex, which has made me resent it. I don't have my needs met, I'm unhappy some/most of the time as a result.
I don't know why anyone would do this to themselves with an alternative......

Original poster

FoofLeakage · 06/12/2016 21:23

One alternative is that you spend less time with him in his house when he has his child and only -or mainly- go there when she isn't and see how it goes

I'm certainly considered that; but wouldn't it be like beating a dead horse? The relationship could never become permanent?

he has really mismanaged the whole situation with his DC and his ex

How so? Can you share?

OP posts:

Nursenat100 · 06/12/2016 21:30

I too agree he's mismanaged the situation by getting you too involved. With absolute respect, what he's doing, his plans, "transparency of arrangements" etc should be focused on his daughter in such early days of a relationship. You really shouldn't be the priority, and that to me feels like the mismanagement. He's set you up in a replacement kind of role for a full time partner in life without laying and of the building blocks of a relationship. That's where the resentment comes in. You've not worked out how to be together as a couple, never mind as a family.

It sounds awful if I'm honest. You should really be enjoying this time, not feeling like this. Can you approach it with him?

Wdigin2this · 06/12/2016 21:51

To say you've missed out on the dating part is putting it mildly OP! At 11 months in, and knowing he has 50/50% responsibility and care of his 6 year old DD, I think I would have played it way slower..... maybe still be at the one or two exiting dates per week, but living my own life stage!
You obviously have very different views on parenting, which s not unusual, but can make life so difficult, and it's unlikely that he'll ever change. Of course his DD plays up, her life has been severely disrupted and naturally, she's learned to get her own way with tantrums....this also is unlikely to change!
I won't say end it, because that's obviously not what you want to hear, but I will emphatically say......slow it right down! Think about every step you take, think about where you want your life and that of DC to be this time next year....think very carefully. Good luck!

CharlieChipmunk · 06/12/2016 22:22

You're flogging a dead horse here

Why are you practically living with him after eleven months? It seems a shame you don't have your own kids either. Oh and his arrangements aren't your business so soon into a relationship

All seems a bit rushed and weird to me. His daily mentions of his ex indicate he's not over her

WannaBe · 07/12/2016 14:07

TBH I think that some things are reasonable and some aren't, and some things are based on the fact that it seems this relationship has moved quite fast, so what would be normal in a twelve month relationship isn't because there are children in the equation.

Things like a date night once a week or having time to yourselves when the DC are in bed are reasonable for a childless couple just starting out, but when there are children in the equation these things just aren't within the realms of possibility. things like wanting him to not give in to tantrums seem to point to a difference in parenting styles where, without knowing the details it's impossible to know whether either one of you is right or wrong or whether it's just a basic difference iyswim.

Giving decent notice of things is something I personally have issue with TBH. Because while I know that this comes up regularly on here, from the other side of the coin, as my DS' mum I generally feel that this is his home, and as such if he stays here at the last minute for whatever reason then that is just what happens. If my DP started to tell me he wanted more notice if DS is staying here when he ordinarily wouldn't be he wouldn't be my DP for long.

But IMO you have more fundamental issues if your DP is still at the stage where he's talking about his ex on a daily basis.

gingina · 08/12/2016 12:25

Stop trying to be stepmum and go back to being his girlfriend.
You are making it too easy for him. You don't have to put up with any of this -you have your own house, so vote with your feet and take a step back. Tell him you want to spend more time with your kids and postpone the whole blended family thing till you are both ready.
It seems like he is clearly not over his ex and has issues with discipline and is expecting you to fit into his life while not making allowances for you.
If you're not there so much he will have to make more effort.

bluelilies · 08/12/2016 20:52

I think moving in with someone with a child more or less living with them, when your own children do not is inherently very difficult. Being child free can be fun, as can family time with your own DC, but you're getting neither in this relationship.

For now I'd take a step back. Go round when she's not there mainly. Encourage him to use a babysitter sometimes. And be upfront about the talking about the ex all the time. Tell him you'd rather not here about her.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 09/12/2016 01:57

Stop trying to be stepmum and go back to being his girlfriend. This is pretty good advice in a way. However this will also mean your DP will carry on 'stuck' not having quite moved on. There will be no adjustments on his side. The positive would have been there would be less adjustment on yours too!

It is really tricky, you have my sympathies. Your needs are reasonable, however you may have to live without getting all of them. Look at your list again, what is the most important? What can you forgive? What will change anyway over time?

Affection - but if I were you I'd see this as low down priority? Give this time, you are still relatively new, and she is small.
Time alone in the evening - reasonable to reduce it to 8pm?
One 'date night' per week - what about a fortnight? And the other one you go out - nothing like your partner seeing you have a life!
Transparency - of arrangements - YES
Foresight - VITAL
DP mentions his ex almost every day - YES knock that one on the head! I still have this issue 7 years later...
DP to not give into DSDs tantrums - yes but this is tricky. If I were you? I'd tackle this subtly and not directly. Model a way to deal with it yourself, be positive to her, to him, show at all times that you are supporting them - grit your teeth! I've tried the direct, does not work.
Not to be 'relegated' to the back seat of the car - NEVER go in the back seat!

Good luck

Underthemoonlight · 09/12/2016 14:24

This sounds familiar have you posted before as geordiebager?

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