ExW making DSD keep secrets from us

[Evilstepmum01]

This makes me so mad! She made DSD pinky promise not to tell her dad about a situation at school. DH quietly assured DSD she would not get into trouble and so she told him her mum has told her not to speak to kids in her class. Because her mum has fallen out with their mum.
Again.
DH and I angry as she often tells DSD to keep secrets and we dont find out until weeks later when DSD has a breakdown and we find out whats been bothering the wee soul.
DH will NOT tell ExW that DSD told him as he doesnt want her getting into trouble. Again.
Ive spoken to DH and he assures me he will raise it with her mum. Thats fine, shes their kid. I'm just upset because I know how upset and anxious DSD gets with things like this. And because it;ll be us picking up the pieces again.
Our home and family is open and honest. We absolutely have no secrets from each other or the kids. Can anyone give me advice or will I spend another christmas trying to reassure DSD?

Kids have strong loyalties. DPs DC keep secrets and will not discuss things. If we ask them questions (ex has had a lot of new partners move in so DP wants to make sure they're happy and settled etc) they reply 'we're not allowed to talk about that" or "I can't say"/ "I don't want to talk about it".
If it was my children coming from another parents saying that, I really wouldn't be happy.

That's really horrible. My DPs DDs are not allowed to speak about what happens at home (SS involvement, numerous partners and issues with DV and alcohol). I've always told my kids that secrets aren't good, that there is nothing they can't tell us and that we're safe to talk to and confide in. I've also told XH (who has form for making DS keep secrets) that it's not fair on the bairn, he has ASD and anxiety and forcing him to keep secrets actually makes him ill.

Aw hun, just keep your house and hearts open and honest, at least she knows she has one side of her family that's trustworthy and genuine. You sound like a nice SM :-)

Thanks, its just so unnecessary! And sad.
xStefx I'm not always nice, I;ve been slated on here before! like most SM's, I try my best and learn as I go!
We carefully try not to ask her questions, but sometimes she gets so upset she has to tell us. Cue much reassuring and cheering up.
Ach, its just step-parenting isnt it?

It is a very tricky, sensitive area, and kids know that divulging secrets means that they are being 'disloyal'. However I don't think it is ever OK for a child to be told that they have to keep secrets, from anyone or to anyone. So I always teach my kids to tell me if anyone ever asks them to keep a secret.

I wonder whether that is the way to tackle it. Not to specifically hone in on the other parent, but more hone in on that child, keep them wanting to trust both of you by being consistent and safe. Maybe you could just generally chat very casually about friendships, ask who her friends are at school, and how it is all going. Support her general wellbeing and give her another version of what is OK, ie not keeping a secret, not ignoring other children, making good friendships by being a good friend yourself etc. There are books that can introduce the topics in a good way and give your step child another framework.

My DP and his ExW tolerated secrets and their kids kept secrets from them, I could never understand why no one ever tackled this issue. At least your DP seems to have broken away from unhelpful behaviours! My DP left a lot of the 'social rules' to his ExW.

So I bought it up with my DSDs and said that I did not want any secrets in our house. Privacy of course, and a bit of healthy space, but not big secrets.

This one is particularly upsetting for us.

DM has told the children that her life is 'private' (which you might think, fair enough), but that they will be punished severely if they tell their father anything. She has put the fear of god into them about this to the point where they have anxiety issues and are being physically sick about not knowing where to draw the line on this to keep mum happy.

As a result, they cannot discuss the following with their father or me: anything they do at their school in the week, who their friends are or what they do with them / any fallings out or how they spend time with them socially; sports or clubs they do in the week; anything at all they do on weekends with their mum [bring very clear - we never ask what mum has been up to - only innocuous things about if they had a nice sunday curled up on sofa watching tv / went to the park or cinema or saw friends - all verboten info and we get "can't remember" and then know to stop asking]; etc.

This can make general chit chat / all mealtimes awkward as we constantly have to think about everything we say and ask them, because one wrong innocent question that any father might ask his children about (eg school), can end in them shutting down / feeling too sick with nerves about "betraying" mum [their words] to speak.

It's utterly shameful what she's done to them....

Thanks banana, fortunately, one of our five family rules is no secrets, so I think a nice wee chat about that with no pressure might be the gentle way forward.
She struggles to tell anyone whats bothering her, we have to sit her down, hug and talk quietly before she'll say anything.
Last christmas, her mum and bf got blazing drunk a week after having their baby and puked hysterically in front of DSD. She barely spoke for a week after and took a lot of reassuring. She's already worrying about a repeat of this.

Storm, thats horrible, the poor wee mites. is there no speaking to their mum. DSD gets worried shes breaking a promise to her mum sometimes, but not to this extent.

I'm sorry you're going through this too! We always stress the same, that openness and honesty are important and that no one gets into trouble for telling the truth.

Unfortunately DM is at the extreme end of acrimonious (and I wasn't remotely the OW - divorce started two years before I ever even met my DH - although she told the children I'm 'the reason daddy doesn't live at home anymore' - and has sold this sob story all over town / to their teachers and friends' parents etc. And all this while she's been with her partner almost the same amount of time to the week!! But anyway). We once tried saying something, and basically she reinforced that her life was private and clamped down on the children even harder...