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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can't deal with thought of being a stepmother!

30 replies

user1480775842 · 03/12/2016 14:54

Please help, I have been with my fiancé for three years and we have a 4 month old baby.
He has another child with another woman after a one night stand, he only found out about the child when he was born and has tried on a numerous of occasion to be there for him but the mother messed it up every time.
They then suggested that he wasn't his so they had no communication for a few years, everytime he tried to do a DNA test she would cancel it etc.
Safe to say that she is hunhinged!
The list of how she has messed with my fiancée head goes on.
She has even contacted me and been rude to me saying that my fiancé was trying it on with her when I know full well he wasn't because he won't be in the same room as her unless there is someone else present.
Anyway i digress...
she has got back in contact and after both his father and my own trying to talk to her and come to arrangement to visit the child as he will not see the child with the mother present, he is now going to see the child at her mothers house.
Everytime they try to have contact it fails the mother messes it up and then there is no contact for years.
The child is nearly 5 and has met his dad 3 times.
I am struggling with the idea of being a stepmother and am afraid that I would be relieved if it went wrong again as if it does then my fiancé says he will give up until the child can come and find him himself.
It has caused SOO many issues between the two of us and everytime the child is mentioned I seem to lose my mind and he can sense it.
I am not sure if I can handle the situation any more and apparently the child is a complete and utter handful (not surprised by the sounds of how the mother is) I am very cautious of having my child around this little boy.
I am worried that my fiancé will want to spend more time with his first born than with us.
I'm not sure if I can handle it... please help!!!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 03/12/2016 16:44

Why hasn't he gone to court? That's what they are for, to deal with issues when the resident parent messes the other one about.

Your wish for that child not to exist is a selfish one. Of course your life would be much better without him. However, he does exist, and your fiance has a duty towards him, the first one being ensuring he is the father (unless he does believe with little or no doubt that he is).

What you need to do is change your mindset. This child exists and will always be part of your OH's life, even if contacts stops. It will be much easier to accept that rather than dreaming that somehow he'll disappear, and start to see how you can help your fiance so that this child becomes part of your life. You are about to marry him, that means marrying all of him, not just what suits you.

The only reason your fiance would consider spending more time with this child than you and your baby is if you make it so difficult for him to build a relationship with him when this is what he wants to do, that it becomes not about being with the child but away from you.

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2016 16:51

You seem to lose your mind if he mentions his child? You worry he'll want to spend more time with his son than you? Ok so you're jealous and insecure.

This is a child, the man who you loves child. Hoping they won't have a relationship is horrible, I'm unsure what your own relationship is like with uour parents to cause you to hope for this for a child.

But it's a horrible wish and I think you need to resolve your own insecurities and jealousy, because it's not ok.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 03/12/2016 18:16

Thank you for both of the replies.
I don't think I have given enough of the back story here...
I don't wish that they don't have a relationship I wish that the mother would stop using her child as a weapon and doing what she has been doing all of her child's life.
Everytime she gets both of their hopes up and then stops him from seeing his child so my fiancé says that he will have to wait until he is old enough to come and find himself and we have all the evidence of the child's mother making it impossible for us to see him.
After what has happened yes I am insecure thank you and with perfect reason to be.
When it goes wrong everytime they even just communicate it gets taken out on me and ruins our relationship... so I am worried for my own child and my own relationship.

My fiancé will now have no communication with this woman.

I have an extremely good relationship with my parents and myself and my parents have paid this woman large sums of money and done everything she has asked as she has requested in order for my fiancé to see her child.
He is 5 and he has no idea who his dad is because she fills his head with utter nonsense.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 03/12/2016 18:28

What legal advice has he taken?

ThatStewie · 03/12/2016 18:34

He's had 5 years to seek legal advice and sort this out properly. Why hasn't he? A court would order a DNA and the mother would have no choice but to comply.

TBH, a man who spends 5 years faffing about and wants to leave it 'up to the child to contact him' doesn't scream father of the year.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/12/2016 19:51

I don't understand your intensity of emotion about this. Considering that your DP has only met his son 3 times in 5 years? And considering not seeing him now at all until he's an adult? And you are feeling that this child will intrude on your life?

If your DP went to court to sort out some kind of regular contact, even if it was minimal, wouldn't that be good all round? The boy has only one father, your DP, if he is unruly then perhaps he needs another parent to just be there for him. You can still have a child with your DP and going to court may minimise any fraught direct contact with him and his Ex.

Emeralda · 03/12/2016 20:15

Why has he not gone to court? Why have you and your parents given large sums of money to your fiancé's ex? I'm not entirely sure what help you are looking for by posting here.

swingofthings · 04/12/2016 09:12

and we have all the evidence of the child's mother making it impossible for us to see him
So everything is the ex's fault despite the fact that it sounds like your fiance has done nothing through the legal route despite having 'evidence'. Don't you think that your fiance has some responsibility too in his failure to use his rights to have a relationship with his child?

When it goes wrong everytime they even just communicate it gets taken out on me and ruins our relationship...
I think you need to expand on this response. Do you mean you are blamed for their poor communication?

My fiancé will now have no communication with this woman.
Because you gave him an ultimatum? If so, I can understand the above.

It would achieve what you are desperate for, that your fiance gives up on trying to build a relationship with this child because clearly, it is not going to happen without communication with her, or certainly makes it much more difficult.

I get the feeling (maybe wrongly) that your fiance is stuck between you and her both trying to control him. You doing everything in your power to try to stop him taking things forward, and her playing the situation.

He needs to ignore both and do what is right by the child, that is going to court, get regular contact established whether she or you like it or not. You both will have to learn to accept this in your life.

Original poster
user1480775842 · 04/12/2016 09:35
  1. She is not an ex. He has tried on more than 4 occasions to be there as a father for this boy. When he was born he was living in Spain and she contacted him saying he had a son, he was on the next flight over there she said her father had a place for him to stay etc. Which was a lie so he having no money agreed to stay with this woman, who then kicked him out and said you are never going to see your child again. Because he started seeing someone else.
We can't afford to go down the legal route!
  1. This woman cannot be spoken to reasonably, everytime he tried communicating directly with her she would threaten him not seeing the child etc unless he tells her he still loves her.
When it goes wrong my fiancé is distraught and gets upset and angry and me being the closest person to him gets the brunt of his anger. So no he doesn't blame me for anything.
  1. He will have no communication with her because he cannot stand the ground she walks on and will not talk or see her, not because I have given him and ultimatum!
I have said nothing of the sort and woukd never threaten him with anything like that. As far as he knows I am fine with all of this.

Please believe me when I say I am doing all in my power to help him.
Last time this went wrong was because he wanted me to meet his child and everytime it was organised she canceld last minute and it's over 3 hours drive from where we live. Then she started calling me and messing with our relationship!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1480775842 · 04/12/2016 09:36
  1. She is not an ex. He has tried on more than 4 occasions to be there as a father for this boy. When he was born he was living in Spain and she contacted him saying he had a son, he was on the next flight over there she said her father had a place for him to stay etc. Which was a lie so he having no money agreed to stay with this woman, who then kicked him out and said you are never going to see your child again. Because he started seeing someone else.
We can't afford to go down the legal route!
  1. This woman cannot be spoken to reasonably, everytime he tried communicating directly with her she would threaten him not seeing the child etc unless he tells her he still loves her.
When it goes wrong my fiancé is distraught and gets upset and angry and me being the closest person to him gets the brunt of his anger. So no he doesn't blame me for anything.
  1. He will have no communication with her because he cannot stand the ground she walks on and will not talk or see her, not because I have given him and ultimatum!
I have said nothing of the sort and woukd never threaten him with anything like that. As far as he knows I am fine with all of this.

Please believe me when I say I am doing all in my power to help him.
Last time this went wrong was because he wanted me to meet his child and everytime it was organised she canceld last minute and it's over 3 hours drive from where we live. Then she started calling me and messing with our relationship!

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 04/12/2016 10:00

He's pathetic, in the last 5 years he could have got enough money together for court. All the rest is just excuses.

Pooky77 · 04/12/2016 10:02

I can understanding some of what you are feeling OP. My OH has a somewhat similar situation which I have helped him to rectify. It's not always straight forward to go to court the cost implications are great especially when you are paid nmw and mediation can be a tricky one when there is a long drive involved to get to it and then the other party doesn't turn up etc. But if you can help him to persevere with this he can hopefully salvage some sort of relationship with his child which, although it won't be easy for you, is the right thing to do. It's been a four year process for us to get to the point we are at and I wouldn't change it. The feelings of jealously are actually quite normal and probably come from a place of uncertainty on your part as to how this will affect your relationship and that of your own child. All I can say is I found it worthwhile to do and we are all in a better place for it. Try to put your feelings and concerns to one side and help your OH to get access to his child it's in everyone's best interest.

neonrainbow · 04/12/2016 10:19

Why are you so threatened by this little boy? To be honest it's a great shame you had another child with this man feeling the way you do about his first son. This should have all been resolved a long time ago by your partner actually stepping up and taking the right steps to build a relationship with his child. It's awful that you would try and get in the way of that because you want to keep your partner all to yourself and basically use the mothers bad behaviour as an excuse to cut the child off.

If my dh put as little effort into seeing his son as your partner has, i would not be having a child with him. In fact we wouldn't have lasted more than a couple of months. Your posts are all about what the ex has done, not much about what proactive steps your dp has taken, just lots of blame on the mother. What if you end up breaking up? You can expect him to be just as disinterested in your child. "More than 4 times" in 5 years is absolutely pathetic. Sounds like he's quite happy to use your insecurity and jealousy of a little boy to stop trying. You should both be ashamed of yourselves, him for giving up on his son and you for being happy to see this boy out of your cosy little life.

I usually try and see the stepmums point of view here but you're not a stepmum. Not even close.

longdiling · 04/12/2016 11:07

What the hell is wrong with you all?! Poor kid having no adults in his life that are capable of putting him first! It sounds like you are so involved in the drama and arguments that you've list sight of what would be best for him. Take it to court or leave the child be.

Underthemoonlight · 04/12/2016 11:07

Why were you set to met him when his own father hasn't established a relationship it would be interesting to hear the perspective of the mother as I don't think all is as it seems in this case

Original poster
user1480775842 · 04/12/2016 11:08

Thank you for your kind message... it's nice to know that there other people out there who have struggled with a similar situation.
I think you are right i am incredibly worried and scared about what will happen but we just need to get things started and it will all work out.
This battle has been going on for years and it just causes so much drama, I guess that is why I am so worried?

OP posts:
Pooky77 · 04/12/2016 11:25

It's natural to worry when you don't know how things will turn out and trust me the drama doesn't end! Keep the children involved foremost in your mind, at the end of the day your child has a half sibling and you should do your best to encourage a relationship for their benefit. Regardless of how the other parties involved behave try to be impartial, in most situations there is fault on both sides and often the children get lost in all the drama which is unfair.

OzzieFem · 04/12/2016 17:14

So basically this woman is blackmailing you, (really your parents) for money to stay in contact with this boy. Just who is the actual person who hands the money over? Your partner? Why isn't he, as the supposed father paying the money from his own wages?

I feel sorry for you OP, and his son as you are both stuck in the middle of this stupidity. He needs to get legal advice and a court order for a DNA test. If it is confirmed he is the boys father, then he should be requesting joint parenting rights and paying child maintenance, not blackmail money.

chelseyblondie · 05/12/2016 00:22

PLEASE HELP ME!!! I have been with my fiancee for 3 years, we r getting married Feb 18th 2017 and I just cannot deal with his son. He only comes on the weekends but even when he is here he doesn't mind, disrespectful, does things out of spite, messy, he is 9 and acts 3 and at times I don't even wanna be round on the weekend I find other things to do to get me out of the house...I was brought up behaving because I got my ass busted but they do not whip him, my fiancee yells etc and my step son will cry n does better for a day or two then everything just starts over...just tired of all the disrespect whiny bullshit and the thought of having to leave my own.house to get away from him....PLEASE HELP ME! ANY HELP OR ADVICE IS SO APPRECIATED!
...

Somerville · 05/12/2016 00:36

Chelsea you should start your own thread to get advice. This one is the OP's

OP - your partner couldn't afford to take the matter to court? Bullshit! He could afford a second child which is much more expensive! Grin

When communication has broken down as badly as this, there is no choice but to go through official channels. For your partner that means going to see a solicitor to pursue contact. For his firstborn child's
mother that means going through CMS to get maintenance paid every month (assuming he's not doing so already.)

You need to decide whether you can accept his child as an equally important part of his life as your child. If you can't then focus on trying to build a decent co-parenting relationship and move on. Step-parenting isn't for everyone.

ThisThingCalledLife · 05/12/2016 14:42

He needs a dna test first to check it is his child....no point going through all this stress with somebody who likes playing games.

Has he given her any money? It sounds very suspicious to me, you never know there might be other guys out there being played the same tune.

If he can't afford legal fees, then leave it to the mother to sort out. She would need to do it if she wants CM off him.

The only one enabling her is your dp. He's the one allowing all the stress and drama into your lives by not dealing with this properly.

mrssapphirebright · 05/12/2016 14:48

An application to court to seek contact / enforce as DNAS test etc is done via a C100 form (applies to the court to hear your dp's case. It costs about £200. he does not need a solicitor to represent him as a CAFCASS worker will be instructed to hear both sides of the story and present to the judge.

If your dp wants to end the messing around of his, your and his ds life then this is what he needs to do. Its not that difficult, trust me, me and my dh have been here.

If you want to move on with your life, dis-engage with the ex and just get this sorted through a court.

mrssapphirebright · 05/12/2016 14:49

'The only one enabling her is your dp. He's the one allowing all the stress and drama into your lives by not dealing with this properly.'

^^

This!

gamerchick · 05/12/2016 14:58

He needs to grow a spine, take it to court and get this settled once and for all. Poor kid doesn't deserve any of this.

If he doesn't and is willing to pacify you by abandoning him then he's a dick. You should feel ashamed of him.

throwingpebbles · 05/12/2016 15:00

Why on earth are you handing over money????? Shock

Being a step mother is awesome in my experience, but no way would my parents be handing my step kids mum vast sums of money Shock